The following is a rush transcript of a recording leaked to GlossyNews.com by an anonymous administration source who continues to forswear makeup and insists she will not challenge President Obama’s nomination. Our audio experts verify the tape has not been digitally altered or spliced. What you learn will shock or please you–depending on which way you roll.
OBAMA: OK, we got the Muslims, feminists, the generation ship welfarers, lawyers, dead urban Democrats, Greens, government employees, blacks, academics, Latinos, the Mediscared, American communists, Jews, gays, enfranchised illegals, union bosses and enforcers, Kos Kids living in their parents’ basements, and drug cartel members with dual citizenship. What does that get us to in November?
DAVID PLOUFFE: 42%, sir. Our absentee ballot mills push it to 45%.
OBAMA: We need another bloc to move us past 50%, people.
JOE BIDEN: I gotta idea, Boss. Let’s target Sucker Moms.
OBAMA: That demographic looks lost, Joe. I…
BIDEN: No, no, no. Not “Soccer Moms,” Chief—”Sucker Moms.”
OBAMA: Sucker Moms?
BIDEN: Yeah, millions of independent, politically apathetic single women who thought the boyfriend would commit soon’s he found out there was a bâtard in the oven. Course, most of the guys bolted. Let’s give those ladies a reason to vote for the Big O.
DAVID AXELROD: How do we…?
BIDEN: The Boss declares, um, marital law. Or is it “common-law”? Whatever. Then, he issues a directive to Homeland Security, the DOJ, and the military defining “deserter” as any civilian male AWOL from his family unit.
OBAMA: I like it. Sometimes, Joe, I’m tempted to keep you. Napolitano, transfer to Washington five thousand Arizona and Texas border personnel who are busy ignoring incursions and human trafficking on their beats. They’ll team with FBI agents and MPs to track down deadbeat dads and return them to their home bases.
ERIC HOLDER: We’ll affix the absconders with ankle monitors so they won’t run again, sir.
OBAMA: What else can we do to woo these women?
BIDEN: How ‘bout we find language in ObamaCare—I mean, the PEEPEEACA—guaranteeing 24/7 Supernanny coverage, BO? Contingent on your reelection, of course.
OBAMA: Make it so, Health and Human Services. Throw in free tubal ligation
KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: I’ll alert insurance companies to prepare implementation of the new benefits they are free to reject offering at their peril, sir.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: And I’ll devote my entire broadcast tonight to those initiatives, Mr. President.
BIDEN: Damn well better, Brian. By the way, hold off reporting Iran’s assault on our carrier group in the Strait of Hormel until the Today show tomorrow.
HILLARY CLINTON: Um, that’s the Strait of Hormuz, Joe. Hormel is an American company that makes Spam.
BIDEN: Well, what the hell they doin’ in the Strait? Hey Axe, dig down a little. Betcha you look hard enough you’ll find Romney bought the outfit when he was with Bain and outsourced operations there. We’ll claim he’s still involved. We can sic the FCC on ‘em, too, Chief. Everybody’s always complainin’ about spam. You’d be the only one doin’ anything about it.
OBAMA: Joe, tomorrow I want you to hire an undocumented Nicaraguan housekeeper, then resign as soon as you realize what you’ve done.