Santorum is Definitely ‘In It To Win It’

GMA NEW YORK —GlossyNews “We stood up and didn’t back away. We told everyone, ‘We’re In It to Win It,’ and we didn’t back down. Really, we didn’t back down,” former Senator Rick Santorum said. No one was standing next to him as he spoke at this televised pre-announcement press conference to announce his decision to have a presidential campaign kick-off press conference.

Santorum claims he will formally kick-off his presidential campaign in a small-town Pennsylvania coal mine similar to the place where he grew up. The local coal mine close to his hometown has been repurposed as a recreational lake and an upscale blue collar water park resort.

“I will then advance the campaign as I appear in coal mines in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina later in the week. You won’t see me skipping Iowa,” he explained. “My grandfather was a coal miner in several states that aren’t today’s political necessity-early primary states.”

He continued, “I want to bring this country back to those early, formative years of coal mining. Back to the states that missed out on it because they didn’t have coal. I loved going to the mines with my granddad back in the day. It was a formative experience for me as a young man. I was only 6, but I had my own helmet with a light that worked and everything. I got to hold the bird cage too.” He became just a little dreamy at this point and his eyes lost their sharpness for a second as he recalled his early childhood years.

He refocused and continued, “I plan on being the first-ever presidential campaign contestant on that popular TV show that I love to watch, In it To Win It. On the show, I will have three chances to try to win a difficult, state-wide straw poll election.

The elections will be set up using a real studio audience voting with authentic straws for each state and everything. It’s going to be a real whit-knuckle opportunity for me. I studied hard for this task. Straw poll counting is big-time serious business that can be tricky if you don’t know the complexities. I can’t wait to see how I did.”

“I want everyone to tune in to see if I succeeded,” he promoted.

“We taped the show four weeks ago, and I hope you all will tune in when the show airs at a later date. You can all watch me as I try to win this important straw poll election before the campaign starts. I have to say that I am awesome on air. We didn’t back down. That’s all the producer will allow me to reveal at this time.”

Then he held up his hand and said the beginning of the catch-phrase, “In It…,” pausing dramatically like the show’s host does, but there was no one at the presser to finish it for him. “To Win It!” He shouted at no one in particular, pumping a fist heavenward.

“I didn’t back down before when I was a Senator. I just lost the election,” Santorum told me while we followed the rest of the press out the door. “But you know what? I may have lost, but I didn’t flinch. I stood by my values and continued my fight to the end. You want to see my miner’s helmet?” he asked. “It’s really, really cool. The light still works.”