Santorum Claims Name is Century-Old Boner

ON THE ROAD: IOWA —BobZaguy Rick Santorum is said to be making some amazing preparations to formally declare his candidacy for 2012. “I want to say publicly that I will make a major announcement regarding my plans for the GOPTea nomination in the week of June 5,” he said to a small handful of reporters.

“I will also engage in the debate at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire. I do have two important jobs to do before this can happen,” he explained.

“The first job is to banish, once and for all, a pseudo-website under my name, www.santorum.com.” He said this address in a stage whisper.

“My second job will be to go back to the Ye Olde English spelling my ancient family name — Santawlenty. It was originally an early Gaelic name, Awlenty. My great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Enoch, was recorded as a church saint. Hence the Sant [saint] was added to the name.”

Taking a sip of water, he continued, “The misspelling of the original name came about at Ellis Island when my great grandfather, Enoch Santawlenty III came to America to live the American dream in Pennsylvania. The immigration official didn’t speak Gaelic, my great-granddad’s tongue, so he wrote what he thought he heard as Santorum. Thus we were officially named.

“My close ancestors didn’t catch the mistake until about 60 years ago. Back in the 50s they discovered some old family letters and drawings in a trunk. Of course, by then they considered it was too late. My old folks never paid any mind to last names anyway. Everybody was known by first names only. It was a small town.” Another sip of water.

Clearing his throate, he said “Now several people have mentioned that my ancestral name Santawlenty, looks very similar to another candidate’s, that’s Tim Pawlenty. I totally disagree with that thinking. He doesn’t look anything like any of my relatives. To me it really isn’t similar and I won’t discuss this anymore.”

He turned to a camera and said “It’s a non-issue. I feel that making it an issue in the campaign will only cause confusion to the voters.”

Then he smiled brightly and said, ‘To me, what is amazing is that the current president is able to grab world acclaim by adding a simple apostrophe to his name. Now he feels able to claim an Irish ancestory — just by calling himself O’bama.” Santorum, still smiling, said “I find little humor in this curious event.”

Almost as an after thought, he said ‘Besides, the college in New Hampshire is said to be named for my great-great-great-great-grandfather Anselm, who was also a saint. Historians have noted that the school was forced to drop my name Awlenty so the carving would fit on the original granite gate post. They even had to abbreviate ‘Saint’ to ‘St.’

“The court judge has agreed to my request for an express filing of the name-change paperwork but I will remain a Santorum for the next 3 weeks until the change takes effect.”