Vermont Passes Immigration Law Aimed at Know-it-All Writers

Montpelier, VERMONT—Governor Peter Shumlin signed into law yesterday an Arizona-style bill to stop the immigration of know-it-all writers who are overcrowding the state’s MFA programs and forcing the state to create even more jobs that the writers are sure to be overqualified for once they realize no one wants to read their screenplay.

The majority of Vermonters support the new law, since the only contribution migrant writers make to the local economy is to buy up all the rural farmhouses that they won’t actually renovate while they never finish that novel they started eight years ago.

The new law will require police officers to detain anyone they “reasonably suspect” to be a “know-it-all,” or “smarmy” writer posing as a normal, functioning member of society.

Officers are also required to deport any of these “illegal” writers, unless they present proof of publication or demonstrate any employable skills other than the ability to name all of the irregular verbs in the English language, recite an obscure Emily Dickinson poem, or possess the stamina to be relentlessly snarky and “just plain annoying.”

Any legitimate writers who are caught without a copy of their published novel, collection of poetry, and/or copy of links to articles at reputable news sites, will be charged with teaching a writing course for two semesters at a community college, and terrible reviews of their upcoming book.

Julie Stewart—a seventh-generation Vermonter—works at Banana Republic on Burlington’s famous Church Street. Stewart blames the writers for not getting as many hours this week because business is slow at the store. “They like to shop in thrift stores, because, well, they are just weird like that, so it really affects our business.”

Opponents of the new law failed to show up at this morning’s press conference because there were none. Even the writers agree that there are “too many f**ing writers in Vermont.”

“We have enough over-educated and highly qualified professionals who are unemployable in Vermont,” Governor Shumlin said during the press conference, “The state is closing its borders to writers who can’t contribute anything other than witty banter, sarcastic remarks, or make a damn good cup of espresso.”

The governor concluded his speech by arguing that the state has plenty of college students to underpay for crap jobs that no one wants. As a final statement, Shumlin added, “If writers want to stay, we need to see something in print—a novel, memoir, a friggin poem for all I care. Hell anything as long as it isn’t self-published or another long-ass blog post whining about your personal struggles. Like we care. Get a f**ing job.”

The League of Satirical Writers issued a statement claiming that the new law is “uncreative” and would promote “character profiling,” which is ultimately the writer’s job. Governor Shumlin responded to this halfhearted attack by assuring all writers that they will not be the subject of a cliche or victims of “profiling” as the police begin to enforce the new law.

Since the bill was signed, however, police have been reportedly scouring local coffee shops and bars, and questioning anyone working on a Mac, wearing glasses or all-black clothing, sitting alone, ordering a drink that calls for whiskey, carrying a messenger bag, smoking an American Spirit or hand-rolled cigarette, and finally, anyone who appears to be quietly ruminating over an ontological paradox or giving an unsolicited lecture on the misuse of the word, “deplore,” as in “you may deplore the immigration of writers, but you cannot deplore the know-it-all writer.”