Newt Gingrich Blames Obama for Setting Marital Standards Too High

For the second time this year, Newt Gingrich has announced nationally that he is definitely considering making a run for President of the United States on the GOP ticket. He admits he has some hurdles to overcome and addressed those hurdles in a speech he gave recently at a private fundraiser in Provo, Utah.

“I am willing to admit to all of you sitting here today that I am not without sin,” Gingrich began as he tried to explain his past marital indiscretions. “Yes, I’ve cheated many times on the many women in my life, and maybe it does look bad to some.”

But Gingrich adduced that if it weren’t for a certain someone setting the bar just a tad too high for anyone of normal moral compass, let alone himself, he would be sitting a bit prettier in the hot tub of presidential hopefuls right now.

For instance, Gingrich maintains he had no choice but to use the excuse, “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate,” because Obama was there, all the way, mocking him with his (Obama’s) perfect fidelity track record.

Believe me,” Gingrich complained, “I’ve spent some serious money trying to get the goods on Barack Obama but unfortunately, he’s the real deal when it comes to marital fidelity, and that just doesn’t bode well for me overall.”

Gingrich went on to say that the other major hurdle he faces in running against Obama is the money thing. “I don’t know how that man does it, but he can get common, ordinary working-class people to dig deep into their pockets for him,” said Gingrich. “Me, I have to depend on the folks at the top, and getting them to turn loose of a buck isn’t the easiest thing to do.”

Gingrich claims this alone has required him to do things he’s not particularly proud of, referring back to the first part of his speech.

The only thing Gingrich says he may have going for him [thank the Lord] is his third wife, Callista, who got him to convert to Catholicism. “From what I’ve witnessed so far, those Catholics don’t mess around when it comes to infidelity—at least between a man and a woman, he joked–which is what I desperately need to keep me on the straight and narrow for the next couple of years until I get this ‘President’ thing out of my system.”

“Plus,” he said, “with all the talk running the rumor mills that Obama is a Muslim,” said Gingrich, “a good old-fashioned religious man persona may be just the ticket to getting me elected.”

Still, Gingrich claims he’s up for the challenge and, off the record, told the group that he just hopes his “lust for life” doesn’t derail him yet another time.