In a horrifying situation that would destroy the morale of many political pundits, Republican spokeswoman Sarah Palin has developed hideous warts on her face. Since their appearance Ms. Palin’s polls have dropped drastically.
Statisticians estimate that the normally sexy and attractive outspoken Republican mouthpiece has lost 90% of her loyal following do to this cosmetic detraction. The warts began to appear shortly after her huge effort stumping for the most extreme right wing candidates she could find in the mid-term elections.
Doctors have suggested that the stress of the campaign could have produced the malignancy, however some are also saying she could have contracted a social disease from standing next to Ted Nugent at a speaking engagement. Rock star and extreme gun nutcase Nugent, aka. ‘The ‘Motor City Madman’, has been long suspected of being the possible harbor of several nasty diseases including rabies and the Black Plague.
The normally strong and outgoing Palin broke out in tears on stage when only ten die-hard fans showed up at her last speaking engagement for which she was paid her usual $10,000. “Don’t they love me any more?” sobbed the distraught ex-Governor into the mike.
“We do!” shouted the ten buzz haired women in attendance, all members of the ‘Dykes Against Democrats’ motorcycle club that had ridden out and paid the $50 entrance fee just to see their heroine and secret dream fetish in person. The event was to have been televised, but was canceled due to the close ups nauseating viewers. Even her employer, Rupert Murdoch, has forbidden all recent photos of the former Miss Wasilla on FOX News, stating “I hired her because she was a babe and could rile people up. Now she looks like a pumpkin gone bad. I can’t have that on my channel.”
To further Ms. Palin’s problems, fans have noticed that her breasts have been shrinking. “That’s the kiss of death for her.” commented a former fan who prides himself on his collection of fake, Photoshopped nudie picks of her. “Without boobs and a pretty face she’s done for.” Similar observations have been voiced throughout the web where 95% of her fan base are lonely, unmarried old guys.
Now it looks like even her husband Todd has walked out on her. “I married a bodacious woman, one with a body a man could wrap his arms around. I didn’t ask for the witched witch of the West.” He has moved out of their house, taking the snowmobile with him. He was last seen headed for Whitehorse with Jewel on back.
Palin’s own children are refusing to be seen in public with her out of embarrassment. When asked to comment they only said “Eeeewww! Gross!!!!”
Paparazzi press are claiming that Ms. Palin is intent on joining a convent and removing herself from the public eye. So far none have accepted her because she keeps insisting on going rogue and that she, although a novice, should be allowed to be the Mother Superior.