Pelosi’s Secret Agenda Revealed

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (GlossyNews) — Nancy Pelosi has much to be proud about. She is the first woman in U.S. history to preside as Speaker of the House. Through her efforts as a trained whip, she rallied together the necessary support to pass the nation’s first health care reform bill, despite lock-step opposition from the GOP. Now, a recently discovered transcript of an abandoned Pelosi speech illuminates the thought process and political agendas behind this remarkable woman. The transcript is reprinted here in its original, unedited format. The Editors.

“…We will go through the gate. If the gate is closed, we will go over the fence. If the fence is too high, we will pole vault in. If that doesn’t work, we will parachute in.” – Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House

If the parachute gets hung up on a tree, we will chew though the strings and shimmy down the trunk, using a cell phone to summon help. If our phones are smashed, we will say, “Oh, damn,” then sit down and collect ourselves. We shall gather twigs and fashion shelters in which to spend the night. If the night is dark, we will say our prayers. If the weather turns against us, we will perform Jane Fonda exercises to stay warm and sing campfire songs to keep our spirits up. We will not flag; we will not fail.

At first light we will hike to the nearest town. If the town is deserted we will hunt for provisions. If there are wild dogs roaming the town we will wave our gavel menacingly to make them behave. If the dogs persist in charging us, we will scale the side of a building. If the building is decrepit and collapses under our weight, we will have a most horrible death. But if the building does not fall and the dogs finally retreat, we will rappel down, then forge ahead until we find a place to have lunch. We will do Mexican.

We will order the burrito special. If the special is sold out, we will have a fajita instead. If the fajita takes more than 20 minutes, we will have a turkey wrap. If the turkey is real, we will consume that. If the turkey is loaf, we will say, “never mind” and press on.

After lunch, we will brush our teeth with the small silver toothbrush we keep in our purse. We will not use too much pressure because our gums might recede. If time permits, we will floss. If time does not permit, we will use a toothpick. If the toothpick splinters, we will smile with our mouths closed for the rest of the day.

We shall walk to the highway and hitch a ride. If someone in a Toyota manages to stop, we will say, “We are trying to get through the gate, or over the fence, or clear the hurdle. Can you help?”

And if they reply, “What gate? What fence? Which bloody hurdle,” we will blink rapidly, being sure to close our lids completely, until it occurs to us what to do next. We will recognize that we have been speaking in metaphors, mixing them so freely that the focus of the American people is squeezed into a careening bobsled, headed away from us. And so, we will redouble our efforts. We will form a resistance.

We shall fight from sea to shining sea. We shall fight on Fox News Sunday. We shall fight on Larry King Semi-Live. We shall duke it out with that psychotic Sluggo, Glenn Beck. We will prove ourselves as Democrats able to ride out a storm of opposition. We will push our way past an ever-smirking Rahm Emanual and talk to the President. We will drink coffee — indeed, latte — while we make plans to defend Americans’ right to health care. We will dress stylishly in Armani suits of robin’s egg blue and take-no-prisoners soft gray. And we will have hair that is coiffed and jewelry that is unobtrusively elegant. We will fight the tanned Republicans until they go pale in frustration. We will be under-estimated and threatened by the press. We will be ridiculed by those who assume a woman over 60 is not capable of twisting arms. Calling in favors. Getting off on being tough as pearls. And we shall never surrender!

And when we have done all this, when we have secured health care reform for the American people, we will go home and think about why we use the royal we, and we shall triumphantly finish the 883-page biography of Winston Churchill we have been slogging through for too long now, and then we will shove it through the gate, over the fence, or under the bed.