Discount Abortion Coupons Threaten to Sink Health Care Bill

Washington D. C. (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s purposed Health Care overhaul has encountered a new series of setbacks, after both Democrats and Republicans introduced additional provisions sure to tie the bill up in debate for some time to come.

The two new measures are part of a highly contentious fight between the two petty political parties aimed at keeping the American People in suspense. “We really want to draw this health care thing out for a few more months,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. ” The people really seem to get a kick out of it. We haven’t seen them this up-in-arms about politics since Bush was in office.”

The first snag occurred when top Democrats demanded the addition of what conservatives are calling “abortion coupons”. Essentially, the provision would give discounts on abortions for women who apply for special rates online. “It’s appalling, is what it is,” said Republican leader Rush Limbaugh, who usually relates most issues to food. “These people want to make killing an unborn baby the same price as one of them giant cans of cashews at Walmart!”

Democrats say the measure is important in today’s tough economic climate. “People are finding it harder to buy bread, and milk, and to put gas in their cars. How can we possibly and seriously think they can afford to raise a child, or especially the cost to delete one,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said.

“This coupon is essential to our health care plan and essential to keeping it stalled forever… which at this point, should be pretty obvious is our main goal,” said Pelosi.

While Republicans say the Democratic proposal does a kick-ass job of meeting that goal, they also wanted to add to the impossibility of the Health Care Bill ever being passed by introducing a “coverage cap.” According to the Republican provision, there would be a mandatory cap on the percentage of the US population that can receive health care coverage. “Basically it ensures 10% of people in the US are never allowed to get health care,” said Minority leader John Boehner.

“This is a way to make sure we never turn into socialists,” said nobody Sarah Palin. “If you give something to everyone, then we’re just a bunch of commie bastards. But if we purposely withhold coverage to millions of people, like those homeless jokers, the world will know we are still the same cold-blooded, heartless capitalist assholes they once feared.”

Meanwhile, President Obama said he is frustrated with the recent turn of events and with both parties for their involvement in “shitting all over his dreams.” When asked his opinion of the two new measures, Obama said, “in the spirit of bipartisanship, I want to say; both parties can go fuck themselves.”