Washington, D.C. (GlossyNews) — What began as a commemorative event to honor the exhibition of an original copy of the United States Constitution at the new Capitol Visitor Center, quickly escalated to an impromptu ruling by the Supreme Court that the Constitution is, in fact, unconstitutional. The unanimous ruling came down after several justices haddared one another to read the document.
“What the hell! I haven’t heard of half this crap in my life,” exclaimed Chief Justice John Roberts. “Who actually wrote all this junk? Hard to run a country with a bunch of obstructionist rules like that. Plus, it’s a little on the socialist side for my taste, with all this ‘created equal’ hogwash.”
“Why’d they have to make it so long?” asked Justice John Paul Stevens. “Before I got half way through it my head felt like it was going to explode. Did the founders actually expect us to use this thing for something? According to my reading of the text, everything we do in this country is unconstitutional. It’s way too counterproductive. We’re better off without it.”
“Boring!” opined Justice Antonin Scalia. “Talk about a parchment sleeping pill. I’d suggest to the White House they make all those prisoners down in Gitmo read the thing to get them talking. But they’d probably say it was torture. If I were plotting a filibuster, this is what I’d be reading from. Or maybe Twilight.”
“The preamble confuses me. ‘We the People,’ it says. Who are they?” asked Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “Seriously, no listed credentials, no documented academic writings, no case history. Just who are these ‘people’ and why should we listen to them? I wasn’t asked about any of this and I’m one of the ‘people.’ This could have been written by bunch of psychopaths, for all we know. I checked, and of all the alleged ‘people’ who singed the document, not one of them had an ABA rating. Are we just going to let a bunch of regular schmucks tell us how the government is supposed to operate? It’s a slippery slope. What happens if a gaggle of hillbillies decide the government has a legal obligation to help the general public, and this Constitution thingy says they’re right, and then we have to do it? Crazy, right?”
“These morons couldn’t even spell,” laughed Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “The Senate raked me over the coals with ridiculous ‘English as a second language’ accusations, but look at this. The framers didn’t know the difference between an s and an f. ‘Congrefs?’ That’s not even a word! I’ve seen better legal insights written on toilet paper in crayon. Which reminds me: we shouldn’t have had Lebanese for lunch. Can I borrow the last page?”
Justice Clarence Thomas could not be reached for comment, as he was running about the Visitors Center shouting, “Hey! Look at me! I’m out here in left field, just like the guys who wrote the Constitution. Look out, here it comes.”
When asked about the impact overturning the United States Constitution would have on the Bill of Rights, Chief Justice Roberts said, “What? I’ve already wasted half my day reading this, and now you tell me there’s more? Looks like we’re cancelling Jeff Skilling’s Enron appeal. And I really wanted to help . . . I mean hear that case. Wow, did I say that? My brain is fried from all this 18th-century mumbo jumbo.”