WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to revive his flagging presidency, Barack Obama plans to renew his oath of office in a special bipartisan ceremony to be held at the Washington Monument early this spring. Falling somewhere between a full-blown inaugural parade and a pander-to-the-base campaign rally, President Obama’s vow renewal is designed to assure the American public that he is not about to become the next Jimmy Carter.
“America is a land where people have the right to start over, no matter how humble their origins or how badly they stumble,” said the president. “I intend to use this occasion to deliver a moving speech that will restore the confidence we had on that historic January morning in 2009, when the people of this country still had the audacity to hope.”
The White House was fuzzy about the details of this unprecedented ceremony, except to note that it will be revenue neutral (tickets start at $500) and we can expect to see “Jay-Z, Bono, Aretha, Susan Sarandon,” and limousine after limousine filled with the president’s supporters.
Reaction to the president’s announcement was split along party lines. Most democrats were happy to see him returning to what he does best—deliver a rousing speech.
“I remember the inauguration like it was yesterday,” said Heather Goode, an elementary school teacher from Burlington, Vermont. “I can’t wait to hear another speech. President Obama is the talk we hoped for.”
The first lady is said to have convinced the president of the need to “get all MLK” in the face of declining poll numbers and the growing perception that the president is an empty suit.
“For the first time since the last time I was proud of my country, I’m proud of my country again,” she said.
Predictably Republicans viewed the idea of a president’s renewing his oath of office with disdain.
“Sounds like a touchy-feely Democratic boondoggle to me” said Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “We heard him the first time. What makes him think we’re going to like what he has to say any better the second time?”
“I never heard of such a thing,” sputtered John McCain (R-AZ), who lost the 2008 election to Mr. Obama. “I plan on suspending my campaign for the senate and returning to Washington to fight this stupid idea. If you ask me, the president ought to repeat the damn election. With the right running mate I could give him a fight this time.”
In related news, the Obama administration has announced that as of September the war in Iraq will be known officially as “Operation New Dawn.” Since U.S. forces bum rushed Baghdad in 2003, the war in Iraq has been known as “Operation Iraqi Freedom,” a name that White House chief of staff, Rahm Emmanual, refers to as “f*ck*ing retarded.”