Lansing, MI – Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.) publicly stated his plans for the Michigan National Guard if he wins election as Governor in 2010: “I’ll lead a preemptive strike to Yemen. I’ve been leading on national security for the last nine years in Congress. Trying to drive this administration in a policy direction that keeps America safe. Obama hasn’t shown interest in my concerns here, so I intend to strike with the reconstituted Michigan National Guard in Yemen.” stated Hoekstra with a satisfied grin.
“These war issues on Obama have to be used, wherever they occur.” continued Mr. Hoekstra on ABC’s This Week Sunday TV program. “Ideas that will keep America safe is a huge campaign issue for me. Our state economy is deep in the crapper – we’ve got over 15% unemployed. My National Guard operation will put easily 30–50,000 out-of-work people in jobs that they will be able to tell their grandchildren about. You know how everyone likes to hear a good strike story around the family fireplace.”
This Week‘s host, Terry Moran, pressed Hoekstra on his campaign fundraising e-mail, but the top Republican did not have a straight answer. Moran asked, “Are you proud of this? Going halfway around the world with a national strike like that? You wrote this: ‘There should be no partisan rancor when it comes to keeping American citizens safe.'”
“I’ve been right on the facts all along on this — the connections with those terrorist Yemens. I’ve read all the emails they wrote back here to the US. This is the hottest issue going right now. Everybody’s talking about it,” Hoekstra said. “As the leading national expert, it’s certainly appropriate for me to promote this strike in Yemen. The leaders of that little speck of earth need to see what a ball buster a Michigan strike can be. They won’t know what hit them. I insist that I am not being politically rancorous here. I think the unemployed people of the fine state of Michigan can be of help to the safety of the citizens of the United States of America. I plan to get this preemptive strike out on the world. Unemployed Michigan folks can come to the rescue of our dire situation here. And so say all of us.”
In other related news…
With the GOP’s quick-fading dream of retaking the House in 2010 a real impossibility because of a major lack of campaign funds, party leadership is re-tooling the old campaign tag lines. Gone is the ragged, old, and unsuccessful Reagan line dredged up from a 1952 commencement speech, “America is a promised land. Any person with the courage, with the desire to tear up their roots, to strive for freedom, to attempt and dare to live in a strange and foreign place, to travel halfway across the world is welcome here.”
In with the spanking new National Republican Congressional Committee tag, “It’s the end of the day, vote the GOP way.” Quick and very sound–bitey.
Copying the phrase, a Republican consultant Giovanni Black said, “At the end of the day, we don’t need no f-in’ money to win our majority. With this new slogan, you’ll see that money won’t matter. We’ll dazzle ’em with our sexy phrasing. The Democrats will need money because they have to defend something we don’t want.”
Mr. Black explained, “At the end of the day, they have to defend that they’re going where we don’t wanna go.” Democrats have openly boasted about their wealth and referring to GOP coffers as “chump change, given the cost of modern campaigns.”
“Yea,” said Black, “It’s damn hard to raise the dough. That bloggin’ RedState boycott thing ain’t goin’ away. I tell ya. That Strozzaprieti broad really sucked us dry. A f-in’ million down the tubes.”
“Ya know,” he continued, “we’s got no silver bullets left here. It’s back to the simple block-and-tackle stuff we done so well. Boy, them Bush/Cheney days were the easy street of my job. Hit up W for a couple hundred grand, bada-bing, in the bank next day.”
“We also gonna have to learn to love them sticky tea baggin’ guys,” Black declared. “I’m a coffee drinker, myself. We know them boys is a real wacko group. But they gonna make an agenda that we can use for our side. Even if we don’t want to be associated with that sick sex stuff. Talk about strange bedfellows. Wooiee!”
“Them or the Democrats, at the end of the day, I guess it’s not that much different. Whadda they say? Six of one, half-dozen of the other.”
I once owned a t-shirt that read: “Detroit-Where the Weak are Killed and Eaten.” Yemeni should be quaking in their sandals.