Walmart, the undisputed reigning purveyor of plus-sized clothes in America at any price, has announced this week that they will discontinue sales of “slim” and “regular” cuts in favor of an all-husky line of clothing.
“It just makes sense,” says Amanda Youcantusemyname. “Over 97% of our sales is in husky sizes, and most of the slim and regular clothes end up donated to charities who can’t even use them because people just aren’t built like that in America.”
By “built like that,” we can charitably assume she means “husky”, or more honestly assume she means morbidly, dangerously, life-threateningly obese.
Since Walmart installed theft-deterring sensors and scales at the entrances, it’s been estimated that the average Walmart shopper, including children and the elderly, weighs 190 pounds and steals over $4 in merchandise.
“My job is to tackle those bitches. Wait, I can’t say that,” said Peter Greene at the uptown-central Decatur, IL Walmart. “Let’s rewind the tape and do it again, okay? My job is to tackle, um, bitches that weigh less than me.”
While he wouldn’t disclose his weight, the high-spirited, energetic loss prevention officer Peter appeared to weigh about 115 pounds, and admits that in his four year stint with Walmart, he’s never been able to tackle anyone other than a toddler, and even once it was found he was outweighed, and he was written up.
Editorial note. The federal minimum wage is $7.25/hour, but we didn’t have this information at the time of interview and we didn’t have any telephone number on hand to call him with the information. I mean, we had it, but you know, it would be a whole thing.
Shopper Road Warrior (her real name,) came into Walmart to buy some clothes. “I’m a plus-size girl, but all the plus size clothes look like couch covers. Just because I’m the size of a couch doesn’t mean I have to dress like one!”
This isn’t relevant to the story, but she assured this journalist that if we used her joke and her name, she would eventually have sex with us, and by us, I mean me, and by eventually, I mean soon. Further, she had what one analyst called “the nicest breasts I’ve seen maybe since forever,” though full disclosure, that analyst was also me.
She added, “seriously, you fly in and I will devour you at the airport,” to which this journalist agreed, and let’s just say it’s for the sake of a followup story, which will be groundbreaking and amazing. I should also add that she was gorgeous as hell, had a smile that could melt your heart, was the perfect degree of Walmart bitchy, but that me saying all this was not part of the negotiation.
Twos of ones of shoppers were upset by the changes in inventory this morning. We caught one mother who said, “No more regular sizes? That’s ridiculous. No wait, actually the husky size fits him. Kind of snug, actually.”
Walmart, as always, has refused to comment on this or any other matter, claiming as usual to be too busy with their daily ritual sacrifice to answer questions.
Walmart caters to its shoppers.
Wow… the story was good enough, I didn’t need all the visuals. Come on people, we’ve all been to Walmart, we don’t need the highlights.