NEW YORK – Jumping on the protest bandwagon, which began with a carefully orchestrated campaign of coddled working and middle class protesters in Wisconsin and elsewhere fighting to retain their grossly overpaid wages and awesome HMO benefits, the wealthy minority of America’s oppressed upper class are staging a counter protest to keep their inheritances and legally stolen wealth, plus interest.
Fearful that the staunchly anti-capitalist government of the United States might cave in to the demands of the proletariat to make them pay more of their fair share, and thereby reduce their wealth from having absolutely everything to having almost absolutely everything, the country’s unfortunate fortunate ones have taken to the streets of Manhattan to make their silvery-spooned voices heard.
Chanting slogans like, “This is what plutocracy looks like,” and singing the Stones anthem Sympathy for the Devil, the designer-clad, one-percenters, all heavily guarded by public safety officers and private security detail, marched on Wall Street today in what they call, The Rally for the Filthy Rich.
Their biggest gripe seems to stem from the news that Obama might follow in the footsteps of the socialist Eisenhower administration, and actually raise the tax rate on the wealthy, making it more inconvenient and costly for them to hide all their rightfully earned ill-gotten gains.
“Creative accounting costs a lot of goddamned money,” complained one protester wearing $400,000 D&G Elite sunglasses and feigning anonymity for fear of public hanging. “This will force me and all my uber-rich friends to hire even more corrupt accountants to create tax shelters and offshore shell companies to hide our obscene wealth. Though it’s all still a write-off in the end, it’s really unfair,” he continued.
Also at issue is the perception that the super wealthy are nothing a but a bunch of greedy, power-mad parasites, hell bent on sucking the world’s poor and middle classes dry by stealing their wealth for their own personal gain and amusement. “Nothing could be further from the truth,” said several anonymous (but we know who they are) banksters who received a paltry $700 billion in tax-payer bailout money. “The reality is far worse than that. Don’t sugarcoat it for the useless eaters,” they added.
Many of the protesters, all of whom also feigned anonymity for fear of public beheading or disembowelment, lamented the fact that their extreme wealth no longer conjured up a positive image of the American dream, but now symbolized a widening gap between the ‘haves and have-nots,’
“What happened to the good old days when people tuned into the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and thought, ‘man, those rich and famous assholes are really cool. I want to be cool too,’” a not so anonymous rich and famous asshole observed.
Some of the protesters tried to point out that, although they’re disgustingly rich, they’re not that disgustingly rich. One particularly well-known douchebag appeared proud of the fact that he only owns two yachts, one private Lear jet, a private island for his own personal use, and one measly little medieval castle, among other necessary extravagant possessions. “It’s not like I own a whole bunch of these things like most people I know,” he added, thinking we’d all empathize with his frugalness without having the urge to castrate him right then and there.
However, an overwhelming sense of dread plagued most of the blood-diamond drenched demonstrators as they contemplated the notion of having to make any sacrifices. “Where am I going to keep all of my luxury items if I have to give up some of my homes and estates?” asked a nervous, aging heiress whose plastic surgeries are starting to make her look like an escapee from the musical Cats. “I mean, seriously, where is it all going to go?” her panic increasing as the thought of only owning a few million dollar Maybach Landaulets instead of several slowly started to sink in.
Other protesters terrorized by the same scenario quickly descended upon the frantic feline-in-the-making to provide pampering, spa packages, and other promotional swag. There is a strong feeling of camaraderie and sense of purpose that permeates this tiny, keeping-up-with-the-robber barons crowd, that apparently transcends their desire to devour each others’ children.
Informally calling themselves, ‘The Forbesians,’ after Forbes Magazine natch, many have even made the yearly top 400 list, while some still aspire to be on it, missing it by only a billion and some change. Yet, there’s a common bond that unites them all, the fact that each has more wealth than 99% of everyone else on the planet. And this seemed to be the overall theme of the day, that what they lacked in proverbial asses, they more than made up in assets.
According to several envious economists, the top 1% own as much or more than the rest of us combined, which is why, say the rich, everyone wants to take away their wealth. “They obviously want a bigger piece of our pie,” said an organizer who asked that we not print his name (you know who he is) for fear of being flayed and/or burned alive. “The poor should just be grateful for the crumbs we provide, as we could easily deny them even that,” he added.
There’s also a powerful belief among the protesters that if they give up any of their wealth, they give away all of it. Even contemplating the notion is a slippery slope to more economic equality, and that’s something that truly terrifies them.
To counteract this growing unease, the organizers, with the help of their paid pundits in the media, have launched a propaganda campaign to convince the poor that if they just work hard, do the right thing, and be a good person (like them), they too might be invited into the elite club. “It is imperative and vital that we continue the Horatio Alger-like myth that we all made it to where we are by pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps,” several trust fund babies noted. “Let’s face it, if the masses really knew the truth of how we attained this much wealth, we’d all be in deep shit.”
As an example of what they mean, the protesters pointed out another popular technique they regularly employ to keep the barbarians at the gate: donations and charity. By setting up a charitable foundation, they can give the appearance of philanthropy and altruism, but in reality this just serves as a tax-saving strategy that earns them even more wealth. As an added bonus, they get to throw lavish fundraising parties, pat themselves on the back, and see their names on things.
Unfortunately, just as soon as the rally seemed to be gaining momentum, the protesters had to quickly disband. Due to all the fawning paparazzi and fanfare that accompanied their red-carpeted gathering, some of the barbarians began taking notice, and started surrounding the rich bastards with chants of “off with their heads!”
Fortunately, the organizers planned for just this kind of violent reaction, by having several bullet-proof limousines and helicopters fueled up and ready to whisk them away back to their gated mansions and private island getaways.
On their way out, however, several of the protesters were overheard promising that, “We will not rest until all of the world’s wealth is ours.” Will they succeed in their efforts? As one expert we asked noted, “The rich will keep getting richer. They’re too big and famous to fail.”
I missed this one the first time around.
Verges on the level of classic satire.