Well I am still employed! So things can’t be too bad. Every day while having my coffee and donuts, I read about massive layoffs and wonder if the ax will ever fall over here. So today I am going to offer some valuable tips to the working men and woman of America on how to look busy at work so you don’t get your lazy assets fired.
My theory here is that half my managers don’t even know my name and many do not have a clue what I do. They are too busy playing solitaire on their computers to be bothered and are happy as long as they don’t get any complaints about my team.
So you ask, what is my secret? Look busy no matter how little work you do. Over my many years of thankless employment, I have been a keen observer and collector of the tools required to look busy.
At the all time top of my list is the yellow legal pad, 8-1/2 x 11 will also do. Having one of these babies in your hand always works. The “on the way to an important meeting look” has never failed me yet. I even take one of these pads to the can with me. Sometimes if I am leaving early, I take one pad and a 3 ring binder stuffed with shit with me to my car. This way, if the big boss or one of the other 20 managers sees me going out the door at 3pm, they think I am going to an off-site meeting.
Another good idea involves a flashlight! Size does not matter here, although a police officer-type that measures about a foot long is ideal (the kind that the cops in LA kicked Rodney King’s ass with). The boss sees you with that thing and he knows you must be looking for something. You can also add a couple screw drivers in your other hand to really cement this one.
Also a favorite is the old pencil behind the ear. One behind both ears is really a killer. Resist the temptation to stick the pencils in the ears as that may make it look like you are goofing off. If this does not work for you, try carrying a FedEx letter-size envelope around.
Other fall backs include a printer cable or a couple of shipping boxes, preferably ones that have labels on them from other companies. After all, why would you carry around a cable if you were not on the way to hook up a printer? And the boxes are impressive because they look like you are receiving stuff.
If you are really desperate, carry around ladders. They are a little bulky, but if you combine the ladder with a pencil behind the ear, you’re golden