Wal-Mart, leading the way in innovative ways to cut wages and benefits for American workers, has successfully created a “Hire-a-Zombie” program that is expected to dramatically change the Wal-Mart shopping experience.
“This is just a natural evolution of the Wal-Mart dehumanizing process that occurs shortly after a new associate walks in the door. We expect all employees to be Zombies sometime by 2012. Some associates, such as 87 year old Grace Templeton, our Greeter, made the transition into our “Hire-a-Zombie” program painlessly one afternoon a couple of weeks ago after standing on her feet for 7.999 hours,” said Wal-Mart Human Resources Honcho, Neil Stedlin.
Stedlin went on to say, “We have managed to tap into the never-ending supply of the undead that stumbles through our door every day. We want Wal-Mart shoppers to see a representative cross-section of themselves when they shop here. And hey, when we decide to terminate someone all we have to do is pull out our 12 gauge shotgun and blow their head to smithereens. Sounds gross, but it’s easier than paying unemployment insurance, let me tell you.”
When asked if there was anything that’s giving him second thoughts about the money saving “Hire-a-Zombie” program, Stedlin replied, “The leering…all that leering kind of creeps the shoppers out a little bit.”