In a bold attempt to increase sales, Swedish furniture retailer IKEA has announced that it will soon allow customers to sign away their mortal souls in exchange for store credit. Those whose souls are not wholesome enough to afford more expensive items will be advised to pray before making their final purchase in easy to assemble pews located throughout the stores.
“Our human customers should know that we value not just their hard-earned money, but their living souls as well,” said Anders Dahlvig, 18-year President of the IKEA Group. “We understand that a soul is invaluable, so what better way to spend it than on quality IKEA furniture made of only the highest-grade particle board?”
That sentiment has been echoed by hundreds of thousands of customers worldwide who are eager to pay with their souls as soon as the offer becomes available. Many of these customers will be shopping online where those using their souls in a purchase will be given a 5% discount.
“It’s not like I have much use for the thing these days,” remarked a nearly hollow customer with eyes glazed over. “It’s just been gathering dust on the LERBERG shelf unit I bought on my first trip to IKEA, so I might as well put it to good use and buy that BJÖRNHOLEM I’ve had my heart set on.”
“Sure, my kids still play with their souls sometimes, but in today’s enlightened world of science and technology, who really needs them?” continued the man, his connection to God becoming more visibly severed with each passing moment. “I’m sure they’ll outgrow them just like I did when I divorced my third wife.”
IKEA has denied that their decision to accept souls is a direct response to the frequent complaint that its products are incompatible with the current souls of the purchasers. Many consumers report an “empty, draining effect” that “weakens the soul and sense of individuality” when standing as far as fifty feet away from an IKEA product.
“We are aware of the complaint, but we feel that by accepting souls as currency we will make this so-called problem a non-issue,” said Damian Beelze, IKEA’s new charismatic spokesperson. “IKEA can put a price on your soul that can’t be beat, and once you’ve sold it, incompatibility with our products will no longer be an issue.”
Many economic analysts believe IKEA’s new soul accepting policy will lay the groundwork for a more efficient form of capitalism that will prosper by “cutting out the middle man.” Still, others fear that even letting a hint of religion into IKEA’s business model business will have a condemning effect, citing the failure of many
world religions to deliver on their promises even in times of economic prosperity.
What remains a subject of hot debate is exactly what use IKEA has for the millions of souls it will undoubtedly collect should the market support the model.
“We want the people to know that God, who has abandoned all of us to world of sin and suffering, is in no way involved in our plans for your souls,” said Beelze. “But rest assured that I — that is to say, we — have been working very closely with a former associate of His who cares wants you to be happy, and knows a great deal about souls and their many eternal applications.”
“At IKEA we love you, we care about you, and above all, we have the power to make you happy,” continued Beelze as the crowd became entranced by his silver tongue. “In these times of economic uncertainty, when credit card debt has ran away with your life, when you’re so far in debt that all your hard work will never get you out, then what more
do you have to give? IKEA is here, and for the price of just one tiny soul, you can have all the home furnishings you ever dreamed of.”
Added Beelze, “It’s a deal you can’t refuse.”
IKEA has let on, however, that some fraction of the collected souls will be rationed out to store employees in an effort to increase their longevity and productivity.
“Every day I walk into that big blue building, put a smile on my face, and immediately feel as if a piece of my humanity is devoured by my employer,” said a faceless, blue-clad drone. “I’ve always done my best to share that experience with the customers, and now that we’re officially accepting souls, I feel I finally can.”
In preparation for a massive influx of first time shoppers, IKEA will be introducing a new line of white-bread furniture with no distinguishing characteristics and massively broad appeal. While IKEA has kept their new designs secret, they have released some of the Swedish names for the products, including FRÅNFÄLLE, SYNDSJÄL, ÄTET, LIKET,
DEPRESSIONEN, and DJÄVUL. Additionally, a variety of new food options will be available at their Swedish in-store restaurants to feed any mortal coils that require sustenance after their souls have been dispensed.
“The only thing IKEA doesn’t sell is a gun with which to shoot myself,” said a long-bearded shell of a man, aimlessly wandering in the recently opened IKEA in Vatican City. “I’ve been lost in these caverns for months, maybe years. I see
all the nondescript, cookie-cutter furniture, kitchenware, and home decorations I could possibly want. But no gun.”
The bearded man then appeared to have an idea and quickly ran off in the direction of Knives and Silverware.
IKEA has also announced plans to remodel all its locations with a new floor plan featuring nine concentric circular floors descending below ground with an entry vestibule on the top level.
“I’ve always wanted souls, and now thanks to a new associate of ours, I can collect as many as I’ll ever need,” said IKEA’s 82-year-old founder Ingvar Kamprad, appearing to suppress a maniacal laugh. “When I was just a boy selling matches on my bicycle — Oh how I love the smell of the sulfur — I would always ask the neighbors if they were willing to buy them with their souls, or the souls of their pets. It rarely worked, but whenever it did, the shrieking soul in my pocket fed my insatiable hunger to create an international furniture super-giant that homogenized world style through the sale of
uninspired goods and cookie-cutter products.”
“Our company motto is ‘To create a better everyday life for the many people,'” continued a grinning Kamprad, his eyes burning red as strength and vigor washed over his body. “As for your afterlife, now that’s for us to decide.”