Sioux Tribe to Attack Wall Street from Within

It has recently been reported that the Lower Brule Sioux tribe of South Dakota has purchased the Wall Street investment firm Westrock Group. This marks the first instance of a Native American organization diversifying out of the gambling, jewelry and blanket markets.

Tribal spokesperson Oscar Get Many Ponies Leibowicz justified the $700 million purchase by stating that the tribe is fighting a 40% unemployment rate, decreased demand for Sioux blankets and jewelry, and lower profits from their Golden Buffalo Casino.

“Our cousins in Connecticut, Michigan and Nevada do pretty well with the gambling, but we are out here in the middle of nowhere and who wants to come here to spend any wampum.” Leibowicz is quoted as saying. Jessica Have Pig Sweat Moody questions where the funds came from to purchase the firm, noting that the tribe is essentially bankrupt; “We know that this firm brought in over $22 million last year, but how long will it take before we can divvy up the profits with such a large loan outstanding?” She said.

Tribal elder Buffalo Hair Smith noted the historical significance of the purchase. “Over three hundred years ago our stupid cousins, the Delaware, sold off the whole of Manhattan Island for a measly twenty five dollars worth of beads from that Dutch guy Pieter Minuit, those guys had it stolen from them by the Brits.

What fools, why, we could have been the Donald Trumps’ of the seventeenth century with all the building that was going to be happen if we had just held out for more wampum.” Buffalo Hair went on to remark that, “We spent years trying to break through that wall those Dutchmen built, lost many braves to their fire sticks.

Now we own a piece of that damn wall and we will get back what was ours over the long term.” It is rumored that the Lower Brule have already applied for a Federal Bail-out for Westrock, stating that poor management practices by the Round Eyes, including the sale to the Lower Brule, have seriously damaged the firms’ solvency. It is anticipated that the tribe will qualify for a substantial cash influx from the Fed, as well as certain Minority Owned Business incentives that should be well over one billion dollars.

This should be sufficient to satisfy any outstanding loans for the purchase, as well as provide a new Saturn for all tribal members over the age of fifteen. It is still unclear if Federal Banking rules will apply to Westrock now that it can be claimed as sovereign property of a recognized Native American Tribe.