U.S. Denied Nuke Permit, Goes Ballistic

In the eight weeks since the legalization of Nuclear Weapons, a dozen nations or so have applied for permits. The deadline for initial approval or rejection of Nuke permits is officially here, and the international community opened their letters this morning.

The United States reports to being miffed at receiving a polite letter of decline.

“This must be a mistake,” a spokesperson huffed. “We’re a fine, upstanding, responsible country! We passed the psych evaluation just fine, we’re making payments on our debts, we always vote at UN assemblies, and we have the most straight-edge drug policies in the world!”

Among the concerns identified in its rejection letter, however, is a pretty goddamn long criminal record that includes assault, coercion, stalking, reckless endangerment, and criminal trespass in the first degree.

Switzerland was the first to receive word of approval, opening their letter last week with a conspicuous lack of asshole-ish smugness. The approval deadline has been extended in a few cases for states still waiting on recommendation letters from regional offices.

Since learning of the requirement for regional recommendations, there have been surprisingly few conflicts worldwide, with all countries apparently intent on emulating Switzerland’s long history of not being assholes. In recent weeks, pretty gift baskets were left on doorsteps throughout the world’s conflict regions, some of them with nice notes. “…Sorry about the rotting-corpse comment,” one of them reads. “Hope it’s not too late to be friends!”

It is unclear whether the U.S. plans to appeal its rejection. The spokesman said the country is insulted that the rest of the world doesn’t think us responsible enough to own a nuke and insists the charges of violence all have reasonable explanations.

On the other hand, surveys show that now that nuclear weapons are normal and bureaucratized rather than badass, younger states are losing interest in their acquisition and are looking for other ways to get attention.

“We may get around to appealing in the next month or so,” the spokesman yawned over breakfast this morning. “Right now, we’re really more focused on developing our musical talents.”