A brutal attack on Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Tuesday night has been traced to the zombie of Thurgood Marshall. The attack occurred following a news story revealing a possibly unethical relationship between Justice Thomas and real estate kingpin Harlan Crow. Apparently enraged at Crow’s generous donation to a Thomas-connected charity, a multimillion-dollar purchase and restoration of the cannery where Thomas’ mother was a crab picker in Pin Point, Ga., the decomposed corpse of Marshall clawed its way from the grave, took a crosstown bus from Arlington Cemetery and accosted Thomas outside a D.C. Denny’s restaurant.
Bystanders were reluctant to get involved as the mangled mass of rotting flesh dressed in a black, tattered robe angrily pummeled Thomas, screaming something to the effect of, “You ruined my legacy, you Muppet! You know how hard it is for a brother to get a job in this town as it is?” Bystanders only got involved after the zombie knocked Clarence to the ground and assaulted him with a rolled up copy of the Anita Hill deposition. “Bad Judge! Baaaaaad Judge,” Marshall mocked Thomas while slapping him around with the hundred page document.
Many speculate sheer outrage over allegations of unethical conduct coupled with inappropriate political activities by Thomas’ wife summoned Marshall from the grave. “That…zombie…was clearly agitated about something,” said one witness describing the assault. “We saw it shuffling across the parking lot towards Thomas, shaking its fist. You know, those things are a lot faster than they look…it caught up to Thomas over there on the corner and started kicking his ass! At first we thought it was the zombie of Tupac Shakur, but it couldn’t rap worth a damn!” Several bystanders chased the zombie away before it could inflict further damage on Thomas’ credibility.
The zombie tried to return several times before ultimately being driven off by corporate executives armed with pitchforks and torches. “This isn’t over, you Supreme Court jester!” shouted Marshall’s zombie as it lurched away. “I’ll find you, and I’m going to mess you up worse than affirmative action!”
Dr. Sangoma, a Washington area expert on zombies, speculated on Marshall’s re-animated motives. “While alive, Marshall established a record for supporting the voiceless American, but undead he appears to be extremely ill-tempered about the Supreme Court ruling regarding corporations and their right to free-speech.” Staring blankly into the camera like Rod Serling, Dr. Sangoma proclaimed the motive, “Irony.”
Thomas is reported to be recovering in a local hospital and heavily sedated. Meanwhile, the Marshall-zombie has been observed staking out locales frequented by Thomas. “It’s been seen lurking around numerous porn and coffee shops in the area,” said a detective assigned to the case. An employee at the Affirmative Action Cafe recalls encountering the zombie.
“I could tell it wasn’t one of our regular customers,” said the employee who declined to be identified. “He politely asked if Thomas came here and if so how often; but when I told him Thomas hadn’t been in since 1974, he flew into a rage and trashed the place. Dude, I’ve never seen a zombie that pissed off!” It allegedly hijacked a car and fled the scene before police arrived, but reports vary. According to the victim, “The Marshall-zombie made a well-thought out, persuasive argument why we should give it our car, so we did.”
Police are reportedly searching for the Marshall-zombie near the hospital where Thomas is recovering following several reports of sightings.
In a totally unrelated story, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. was briefly detained by police until it was verified he was indeed not undead. But, authorities are not taking any chances as witnesses allege the Marshall-zombie has said it will never be taken alive. “We’ve staked out his grave site and several law libraries in the area. We’ll get him eventually…or at least MOST of him,” said a police spokesman.
How right you were, Bob.
“why would he attack thomas? don’t zombie look for brains?”
flan—
This is simply a coded warning to zombies who read satire websites … stay away from here. Nothing unusual, keep walking…just keep walking away from here. The next blog site has free beer and pretzels.
funny…
why would he attack thomas? don’t zombie look for brains?
And not to mention he’s given a voice to corporations who once were once voiceless. Let’s see Thurgood beat that with his poor, disinfranchised masses of nobodys.
I agree. Quite the anomaly.
And he’s great because he doesn’t bother with nonsense like recusing himself in obvious instances of conflict-of-interest or speaking during hearings, even to ask questions. He’s truly a singular man.
Cllarence Thommas is a new breed of Supreme Court Justice. unhampered by outdated practices falsely separating personal political freedom. Get over Marshall. He was from another era.