Washington DC (GlossyNews) — After a week of hearings with representatives, CEO’s and Government officials at the helm when the world economy was brought to the brink by sneaky and deceptive criminal activity, Congress has ruled that the responsibility for the mortgage meltdown mess rests squarely on the shoulders of 67 year old Phoenix widow, Mary Schnell.
“It all started when I answered the telephone one evening around dinner time“ confessed Schnell from her new digs in a tent outside the city limits. “It was Countrywide Financial and they offered me a several hundred thousand dollar loan without any paperwork for the equity in my 27 year old trailer, which I eagerly accepted, cause the payments were only 200 dollars a month. From the research I’ve done, a month later they sold the loan to a big New York bank who combined it with a bunch of other mortgages. Then it was sold again to some governments overseas after it was insured by another company who didn‘t pay any attention to what they were insuring. Suddenly, my interest rate shot up and my payments were 10,000 dollars a month. I paid them all the loan money back, but it wasn’t enough with the interest. I defaulted, lost my trailer home, and then all hell broke loose. Whole businesses went down the tubes and a couple of countries went completely broke, and according to Congress and the executives at Goldman Sachs and Citigroup, it’s all my fault.“
In an interview with Robert Rubin, one of the people who everyone thought was one of the architects of a plan designed to create a money sucking vortex with Goldman Sachs and Citigroup at the bottom, Rubin denied any involvement, “I was so busy figuring out a way to stuff our asses full of the taxpayer’s money and coming up with all these various schemes to get a little more, then a little more, that I could not in any way have anything to do with the collapse of the entire economy.” The same declaration of innocence, or slight variation, was given by a parade of industry insiders who testified at the congressional hearing.
At the end of the hearing, a Congressman, who had the smell of the same expensive liquor on his breath as Rubin and the others, read an impassioned letter from Mrs. Schnell that asked, “What the hell happened to me?” and then asked the attendees, “So do you really want me and the American people to believe that Mary Schnell, a 67 year old widow from Phoenix, is entirely responsible for the mortgage meltdown mess?” After a second or two of stunned silence, everyone in the room looked around and nodded their heads in agreement. “OK, now I really need a drink,” said the Congressman-and one of you guys owes me a hand job.“