Suicide Bomber Sues For Injuries

WASHINGTON D.C.– Known terrorist Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed has filed a law suit against the United States Government, claiming the White House to be an unsafe work environment. The law suit arose after Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed was injured falling off of the White House roof, which he claimed was, “Terribly difficult to climb, especially with bombs all over you.”

When asked how much he was trying to sue the Federal Government for, Sadeed looked stunned, saying, “You mean I can get more than camels?”

Sadeed’s attorney, the winner of a recent frivolous law suit, and whose firm offers a free value meal at Wendy’s with every third trial, said he was optimistic about Sadeed’s case. “He’s really got something here…” Said Benjamin Gilroy, Sadeed’s legal representation. “This is yet another clear example of negligence by our government. I think it’s just plain ridiculous not to have ramp ways, or at least a ladder for terrorists to enter the President’s home. It’s almost as if they’re completely unconcerned about their safety.”

Justice Luke Weiss, the judge reigning over the trail listened with a sympathetic ear as Sadeed testified to the ordeal, which he claims was “Fraught with peril from the beginning.” He described the dangers of climbing over a tall fence, before having to cross the White House lawn with men shooting at him, and telling of how he fell from over twenty feet while attempting to scale the White House wall.

“I can only lift my arm this high!” Sadeed declared, shakily holding his arm up to about the level of his collar bone, generating many sympathetic moans from the crowd.

Sadeed, whose injuries include soft tissue damage, and severe emotional and mental trauma, is, with encouragement from his attorney, suing for 300 billion dollars. Gilroy admits this is a high settlement, until one considers the wealth held in the United States Treasury.

“After all…” He claims, “The United States Government is throwing billions of dollars around on all sorts of things these days, so why not send some of that to ease the suffering of my client?”

The physician, Timothy Leroy, who did the medical examination of Sadeed, told the court he saw nothing physically wrong with Sadeed that typically is seen in falling injuries, though he did admit that soft tissue damage rarely shows up in such examinations. The Federal Government’s attorneys ran with the physician’s statement, putting up a brave argument, claiming that Sadeed was faking.

“How dare they claim I’m faking!” Sadeed told reporters during a brief recess. “I haven’t been able to do even the most basic functions at my job since the accident! I can’t even carry more than five pounds of explosives!”

Upon returning to court the Federal Attorneys then tried to debate Sadeed’s right to bring this claim to court, citing his lack of a U.S. Citizenship.

“That really didn’t go over with the crowd well at all.” Ally Lancaster, one of those present at the hearing told reporters afterwards. “If terrorists get a trial before being sent to prison for life, why shouldn’t they be allowed to sue? It just doesn’t make any sense. But hey, that’s just me, and here I thought we were living in an enlightened age.”

Lastly, the United States government questioned the legitimacy of Sadeed’s claim to mental trauma, claiming it may have been a preexisting condition. “After all,” Paul Noonan, a federal defense attorney said, “Aren’t terrorists constantly living in a traumatic world?”

To which Sadeed replied in a burst of emotion, “You try falling off that roof with thirty pounds of explosives strapped to you without being effected! I could easily have died in a fiery explosion right then and there!”

Gilroy soon fired back for Sadeed, claiming that the United States Government had created a “stressful” and “dangerous” work environment for Sadeed, and indeed all other terrorists. Finally, he drove his point home, demanding that the court see to it that “All professions here in the United States are able to work in safe, and peaceful conditions…”

To the relief of the trial’s spectators, Justice Weis decided to side with Sadeed, demanding that the United States pay for the “trauma both psychological and physical” inflicted on Sadeed. Sadeed won the full 300 billion dollars, as well as any money he may have to pay in the future for physical therapy.

“What am I going to do with the money?” Sadeed said, responding to a question asked from someone in the jubilant crowd as he left the courtroom. “Well, I’ve always wanted to work with a dirty bomb…”

“It’s becoming a real problem for the U.S.” Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said of the court case. “Terrorists are discovering they can damage us more through frivolous law suits than with bombs and guns. We just had a man from Pakistan slip on a wet floor in the Capitol Building, and another man from Saudi Arabia spill coffee on himself which he got from an Army Recruiter’s Office. Both are suing for several hundred billion dollars, and I don’t see how we can do anything in those cases but settle.

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3 comments on “Suicide Bomber Sues For Injuries

  1. In the UK the compensation culture could see the Jolly Jihadi terrorist types winning their personal injury cases if their Semtex vest wasn’t duly endorsed with all the current Brussels EU warnings that the article might prove dangerous to life and limb if detonated.

  2. The scary thing is that some of this does not come across as satire.

    I heard a story about a convict who sued himself for five million dollars for getting himself into trouble with the law, causing him to wind up in prison. If he won the suit, he was going to ask the state to pay the five million dollar damage award, as he was a ward of the state and unable to come up with the money.

  3. Nice one Sagman – in the UK that would work. Read my pre-op’ transgender prisoner spoof on the guy recently winning a High Court case to be moved from a men’s prison to a women’s prison as counsellors will not allow his actual transgender op’ to go ahead until he has lived in a female community – in this case an all-female butch dyke prison.
    Story’s titled ‘Knackers to Knockers Prisoner Wins Appeal’ – but don’t know where it is on Brian’s posting schedule.
    Apart from my spicing it up the story is factually true.

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