Tag Archive | "zombies"

Recount On Already Controversial Presidential Election Because Of Illegal Zombie Votes


A recount has been demanded on the already scandalous Bush/Gore 2000 Presidential election by Democrats because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.

Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Republican campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Left insists) signed up the living dead.

Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote. Also it is difficult to distinguish many Republicans from the dead to begin with. Read the full story

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“Walking Dead” Writers Smoke Crack, Kill Off Entire Cast


Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has learned this season of Walking Dead will be it’s last as every single cast member dies.

Talking to writers of the show on condition of anonymity, one stated after fan favorite Herschel was beheaded during last seasons finale they just got started and couldn’t stop.

“It was like we were on amphetamines…or something.” Read the full story

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Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters


A U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by Republicans because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.

Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Democratic campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Right insists) signed up the living dead. Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote. Read the full story

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Zombies Found Roaming Chain Stores Black Friday Weekend


Reports have been coming in from across the country of a rash of zombie-like masses rushing about specific chain stores in large communities in a feeding like frenzy.

Zombieologists, a newly developed scientific category that specifically studies zomboid type manifestations throughout the world, are puzzled by this latest development.

Although these ‘people’ seem lobotomized and ready to wreck mayhem at any moment like your normal run of the mill zombies, their fixation does not seem to be eating other human beings as is typical in normal zombiehood. Read the full story

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Following Cannibal Attacks, The CDC Issues Zombie Alert


Atlanta, GA – (SatireWorld.com) The world’s leading research and communicable disease control center (CDC) located in Atlanta, Georgia has issued its first ever Zombie Alert, advising US citizens to be prepared and have ample stocks and supplies on hand in the event of a zombie breakout. Read the full story

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75-Year Reunion Attracts Living Dead


Collegetown, Penn – GlossyNews.com – Penn State’s 75-year college reunion was disrupted Tuesday by the arrival of a horde of living dead from nearby Collegetown Cemetery. Based on cemetery dental records, all of the living dead who showed up at the reunion are believed to be bona fide graduates of the Penn State Class of ‘35. Read the full story

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U.S. Gastronomical Travel Guide For Gourmet Zombies


Fans of brains everywhere, rejoice! Here is the first in-print guide to fine brain dining wherever you may be in the US. Our ghoulish researchers have spent many dark, moonlit nights partaking of the cuisine available throughout this great land.

They have experimented with cranial delicacies from the intellectuals of New York to the trailer trash of Alabama. Here is a portion of the guide to whet your appetite for mental munchies. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, TravelComments (3)

Huckabee Apologizes to Zombies


Fort Smith, Ark-Kansas (GlossyNews) — Following a storm of controversy, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today released a press statement seeking to clarify his recent Zombie remarks, in what was seen by many as electoral politics damage control.

“In a recent speech, I compared Werewolves to Zombies, and some have incorrectly taken my statements as denigrating towards the brain eating community. This was never my intent. I have always believed diversity is one of our nation’s strengths, and Zombies are an important part in that. Read the full story

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Huckabee Compares Werewolves to Zombies


Fort Smith, Ark-Kansas (GlossyNews) — Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee hasn’t announced his plans for 2012, but the FOX News commenter has lately been stressing his cultural values credentials. Speaking this week to UC Berkeley’s College Republican Union, Huckabee hit hard on the topic of Werewolves.

He told Kate, Bob and Xi Liang, “You young people are on the front lines in a war against creeping deviancy. There are so many who’ve chosen a lifestyle, and they want you to accept them as normal, and feel sympathy for them. It’s just wrong, these Werewolves. God made each of us a species, and we’re not supposed to go around switching species every time the moon comes out.” Read the full story

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Health Care Bill Passage Assured: Vampires Now On Board


Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — Speaking from Baltimore’s famed Holly Oaks Cemetery, last resting place of author Edgar Allen Polk, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today revealed a strategy so stunning, even seasoned Washington wonks looked up from their pools of vomit and urine at DC’s famed “Make It Look Like a Business Expense” bistro.

Pelosi, brimming with confidence, said she’s no longer pandering for the recalcitrant pro-life Dem vote; she now has the pro-unlife vote securely in her corner. Read the full story

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Warning: Bank Zombies Out to Get You


A new, terrifying species of vampire has been discovered that has begun a feeding frenzy throughout the world. The horrifying part is that it haunts the least likely of places, your local bank!

This vampire is a new one for the books. It feeds not off your body’s lifeforce, blood, but rather your economic lifeforce, money. These are the financial bloodsuckers, the bankers who, unable to draw their living from realms outside their immediate domains due to the deep recession, now must feed off the very customers who use their services. Read the full story

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Brazilian Brickie Returns from the Dead


A 69-year-old Brazilian man surprised the virtual ’life’ out of the entire family by turning up, albeit a bit late, for his own funeral, according to a bizarre report on page 85 of this week’s Resurrection Gazette.

Family and relatives of Ademir Jorge Lazarus, a semi-retired bricklayer, had positively identified him as the victim of a fatal traffic collision in the southern Parana state a couple of days previously when his 4 x 4 pick up truck collided with a pantechnicon loaded to the gills with illegal cockle-picking Chinese immigrants and two hundred pallet loads of H1N1Sneezy Pig fllu-approved plastic coffins being shipped north to Florida. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, SocietyComments (1)

A Score of Things That Mean It’s Sunday


Last week the Sunday Shitraker magazine’s ‘Nostalgia’ feature focused on the impact of 15 years of Sunday trading by greedy, grasping commercial enterprises abusing the Sabbath by seducing and enticing the brain-dead public at large to plunge themselves even deeper into the Stygian abyss of credit card debt to buy some crap and tat they’ve seen on TV or the neighbour down the road has one of – from the ubiquitous Ikea – and they simply cannot now live without the same. Read the full story

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