Tag Archive | "unemployment"

Guy Desperate for Job Will Take Anything That Doesn’t Make Him Question Self Worth

Jacob Ericsson is broke and about to be homeless.

But he’s looking for work and will accept any offers as long as he’s not “too good” for the job.

Ericsson made a plea for any and everyone to e-mail him leads for jobs around Los Angeles, adding he probably wouldn’t follow up on positions with a long commute or where he’d be embarrassed to be seen by ex-girlfriends. Read the full story


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Man Ordering Drink With Meal Undoubtedly Reincarnation Of Gluttonous Roman Emperor

BETHESDA, MD—In an obscene display of wanton excess, local restaurant patron Don Mayhew stunned onlookers as he openly indulged himself in the extravagance of a soft drink along with his meal, disdainfully eschewing the common man’s glass of ice water.

Witnesses reported the hedonistic Mayhew’s request of a Diet Coke drew immediate comparisons to Emperor Aulus Vitellius (AD 15-69), the infamously gluttonous Roman ruler, even convincing some that he was the very reincarnation of him. Read the full story


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Long-Term Unemployed Go Back for Degree, Pointless (comic)

This was originally written with the genders reversed, so don’t hate on me, bro or bro-sis. It’s recycled art, so I switched genders based strictly on where they were standing.

The long-term unemployment problem of our youth is seriously problematic. In part because X, but also because of Y, not to even mention Z, which is likely the biggest factor of all. Read the full story


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US suicide rate jumps; unemployment rate falls

The suicide rate among middle-aged Americans was much higher in the previous two months than the government first estimated. The suicides reduced the unemployment rate from 7.6 percent to a four-year low of 7.5 percent.

The report from the United States Department of Labor was a reassuring sign that the U.S. job market is improving despite government budget cuts, ill-timed tax increases, and suicide prevention efforts.

“This is a good report,” explained Wells Fargo chief economist John Silvia. “There’s a lot of emotional trauma… It’s good for the economy. It’s good for people’s income.” Read the full story


Posted in HealthComments (2)

Oil Down on No News

With a lack of signals coming from analysts and virtually no news that could have an impact on crude prices, oil has again suffered moderate setbacks today.

Confounding investors who lack any fundamentals to trade on, Wall Street again witnessed a pull back affecting US crude oil prices.

Analysts say absolutely any news is good for supporting oil. When unemployment figures rise, crude offers a safe haven for investors fearing an economic slowdown, while any improvement in the economy signals potential for increased demand. Read the full story


Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (1)

Guy In Starbucks Pretty Sure Job Interview Happening on Next Table

INDIANAPOLIS – Enjoying an orange mango smoothie at a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis Thursday, local man Zach Needham was fairly certain that some sort of job interview – probably for a really high-end position – was taking place at the next table.

Just catching up on some emails built up over the past two days, the 32-year-old web designer couldn’t help but overhear the authoritative-sounding guy immediately to his right ask the woman sitting opposite him “what sort of experience do you have with Excel 2010?” Read the full story


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Corporation Now Firing

INDIANAPOLIS – The city’s employment figures were tweaked Friday, as Corporate Technology Services (CTS) – an established call center corporation on the westside of Indianapolis – revealed that it is now firing.

Expected to begin the firing process in earnest on Monday, the company is looking to increase joblessness by upward of 10%. Read the full story


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We Need More Debt, Please

My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment). I unfortunately owe him a favor for marrying my sister, so I agreed to publish the following interview with him:

RIGHT: Penin Diaz has a plan to end the recession. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story


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Mitt Romney Promises Unemployment to 11 Million Americans

Here’s the gist of it. Romney claims there are 23 million unemployed and swears that he will create only 12 million new jobs. That is fact.

He literally promises that 11 million people will remain jobless under his administration. If you think he doesn’t care about the 47%, he really doesn’t give a sprinting crap about these last 11 million. Read the full story


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Report: 58% of Unemployed Actively Failing to Look for Work

WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that almost 60% of citizens registered as unemployed are nonetheless actively failing to seek out work.

A study released on the department’s website indicates that approximately 15 million people spend around 24 hours a day not looking at job postings, employment options, or career guidance pamphlets.

“In most cases, Americans who find themselves without a job are at least dedicating a good portion of their time to not seeking out gainful employment,” said BLS analyst Sandra Corzoli. “A large number of Americans might be out of work right now, but it’s absolutely for a lack of trying.”


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High Unemployment Rate Leads to Rise in Suckers

Wash. D.C.- At the Bureau of Labor Statistics, economists announced the unemployment rate had not changed in any significant way, there was one sector of the economy that had grown unexpectedly.

“Scams are in,” says notable economist Tim Kane. “Although the numbers are hard to track, I think we have found ourselves a new, American, cottage industry. It’s good to see some of the unemployed take initiative to scam their fellow indigents, thus employimg them in the scamming sector of the economy.”

“With the high volume of patsies available and ease of scamming using the Internet, distress and overwhelming need were all that was needed to set this market off.”

Scams had been traditionally off shored to places like Nigeria, a country whose princes seem to always be held up by bureaucratic bank procedure.

Other offshore scamming tactics have been your relative in dire straits on a European vacation, poor south-east Asian farm girls who need financial assistance to make it to America to sleep in big comfy beds with big strong American man, or the old fashioned fake ransom in South America.

Ben Bernanke stated that this, “was exactly what this jobs market needed. I knew that the void created by the economic stagnation would only give way to another emerging market. It was only a matter of time American ingenuity would catch up to the need. The unemployed are a perfect source of dupes, fools, and saps that this fledgling industry relies on.”

“The unemployed are so desperate, their gullibility has reached an all time high,” explained John M. Galvin, acting commissioner of the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

“With such a high volume of potential suckers out there, some one was bound to take advantage of the opportunity. This makes the unemployment rate somewhat self regulated. It’ll all sort itself out once every one jumps on the scam band wagon. It’s the fastest growing sector of our economy today.”

The new American made scamming techniques include needing potential employees to submit a credit check to get social security numbers, “Free iPad” in craigslist jobs postings, and fake charitable organizations for those particularly hopeless stooges who believe karma is effecting their luck with job searches.

Nobel-Prize winner, Paul Krugman, tried simplifying this phenomenon in a lecture at Princeton. He stated that, “this isn’t the first time in history we’ve seen an emergence in scamming.

After most of the south was burnt to the ground after the Civil War, carpetbaggers moved in to take advantage of the overwhelming melancholy facing the destroyed infrastructure of the south. There isn’t too much different about today. There is a portion of the population who deem it necessary to take advantage of the dire needs of the unemployed.”

Although most of the revenue gained from scamming largely goes unaccounted for, Tim Kane reassures the American public that “Not all untaxable sources of revenue are a bad thing. GE payed 0% of billions in revenues, these scam artists are a relative drop in the bucket. The revenue from these scams are redistributed back in the economy when the perpetrators buy consumer goods and services, keeping local economies afloat.”

He went on to add, “Ponzi Schemes are scams that destroy our economy, particularly by victimizing job creators. Although I will say, these swindlers are well on their way to becoming the next generation of business leaders. It’s all just a matter of business models.”


Posted in Society, Top StoriesComments (2)

Five Things You Won’t Hear at the Democratic National Convention

Charlotte, NC – (SatireWorld.com)

During the Republican convention the main theme was reality based with a good dose about our current economic woes. During the DNC convention the discussion will be based upon issues that are social in nature and by-passing the sobering reality of lost jobs, lost opportunities, and mounting national debt. Read the full story


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News Of The World–Year 2020 (Man Are We Screwed)


News highlights- Reuters- April 1, 2020.


The once wealthy nation of Switzerland, still refusing to join the EU, has suffered yet another downturn in it’s economy.

At one time the jewel of Europe and one of it’s wealthiest countries in the world, this small land is suffering its blackest financial year yet as the last bulwark of its economy. “The Swiss Cuckoo Clock Factory has had to lay off 50% of its employees,” said a company spokesman who prefers to remain anonymous. “Those damn digitals have finally done us in!” Read the full story


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Elway-Manning for America 2012

Area man Peyton Manning had just gotten laid off from work. Within 48 hours, he knew what he had to do. He hopped on a plane and headed to Denver. John Elway, Broncos exec, was waiting for him.

“Sorry about your neck, fella,” John commiserated, in his signature Fred Thompson croak. With four surgeries to his neck, Peyton had been seriously laid up for the first time in his working life. The neck stuck him on the sideline with $23 million in workers comp. Now, used goods for the old boss, he was on the street. Read the full story


Posted in Politics, SportsfolkComments (0)

NASA Workers Reveal Demands

It was thought to be a bittersweet moment as the last ever space shuttle mission landed flawlessly in the early hours of dawn that day. What began in the bold optimism of JFK’s challenge to walk on the moon had ended a half century later in a very different world with vastly different challenges. Read the full story


Posted in Science & TechnologizzyComments (0)

Study Shows Baby Boomers Look for Apathy, Social Inequality in Brands

This week The Gibraltar Group released the results of a study that indicates that Baby Boomers have given up on the economy ever recovering and continue to buy products that reflect their lack of hope and apathy toward the situation. While the study shows that younger generations prefer brands that mirror hope for the future, the Boomers simply don’t care about what’s going to happen since they will be dead in twenty years anyway. Read the full story


Posted in SocietyComments (10)

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