Tag Archive | "tea party"

Patriots for Pot Put Support behind Morgan Freeman for President


A more liberal-leaning sect of the Tea Party known as the Patriots for Pot are putting their money behind actor Morgan Freeman for President even though he’s not running (officially).

Dilbert “Doobie” Warner, President of the Patriots for Pot Party (PPP) located in Denver, Colorado says that the members of his party were faced with choosing a candidate to back from a list of some really heavy hitters, but in the end, Morgan Freeman was their number one choice. Read the full story

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London Rioters Disrupt Tea at the Ritz


Attendees at London’s plush Ritz Tearooms anticipating a quiet sojourn from the hustle and bustle of the city in order to discuss the cricket and deerstalking in the Highlands of Scotland almost choked on their crumpets as the Ritz was attacked by a group of rabid anarchists hell-bent on destruction.

The black clad marauders – their faces obscured by ski masks – smashed windows with metal poles and traffic signs. Anarchist symbols were spray painted all over the exterior as police struggled to control the mayhem. Read the full story

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National Tea Party Unwittingly Aligns Itself with California Pot Growers Association


An unlikely partnership has formed between some very conservative-thinking patriots and a group of stoners who could care less about any politics unless, of course, they involve the legalization of marijuana.

How it happened, no one is really certain, but the ability to undo what has been done may be harder than anyone anticipated due to the fact that there is a rather large sum of money hanging in the balance. Read the full story

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Earmarks Replaced by Posthumous Pardons; Many Dead Delighted


“It was going to be a discontented winter, but now it looks like glorious summer” said incoming Congressman Richard Plantagenet on the new GOP voter outreach plan.

Speaking from his house in York, PA this week, the Tea Party favorite and former florist was proudly modest in explaining how the 112th Congress will rewrite history, literally. Read the full story

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2011 Tall Tale Congressional Cocktail


Just in time for New Years festivities, try to see if you can stomach this tasty treat from the hill.

1 Tea Bag with string
2-3 minutes of warm John of Orange tears
2 jiggers VS cognac
1 dash bitter Rand
Cracked Cantor ice
club soda
Garnishes: twist of Pence; l’eye of Newt.

In a cocktail shaker, muddle a Tea Bag in 2 oz of warm John of Orange tears, add 2 jiggers of cognac, stir in a dash of Rand for bitter balance. Add cracked Cantor ice & shake till blue. Pour into a high ball glass, top with club soda. Garnish with a Pence twist & a sleezy l’eye of Newt.

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Forget Green, “Blue” Group Mounts Tea Party Challenge


CINCINNATI, Ohio (Glossy News) — Flush with recent success, the loosely organized AstroTurf Tea Party movement already faces a threat to its new-found power from an unexpected source. While some political analysts call the group a predictable splintering, others term it an insurgency from within. One thing is certain — the “We’re Blue 2” Party is well organized and highly focused in its agenda. Read the full story

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New Planet Discovered; Patriotic Americans Worry about Jobs


Scientists are still excited over the discovery of a habitable planet orbiting the nearby red dwarf star, Gliese 581. However, the discovery has many Americans wondering what the government plans to do in the event of an alien invasion.

“We got unemployment at ten percent and government spending is out of control,” said Edward Cracker, a tea party activist from Illinois. “How can we financially support a bunch of anal probing aliens?” Read the full story

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Rupert and Roger’s (enter name here) Neo-Party


It is obvious to me –I’m probably alone here– that FauxNoiz, MySpace-Dammit and Noizcorp have decided that they want to become the next Third Party in US politics. Murdoch and Ailes have made their billions on this crapo business/political scheme and now they intend to take over the whole place.

Rupi & Rog already own their airspace. So they will stage their party’s campaign completely on-air. All sponsored by those profit-producing commercials that have flocked to the network -er- political party because of Schmucko Beck. Not that they sponsor Beck. They just want to sponsor him… Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (18)

Tea Party Slams “Elitist” D.C. Table Manners


Twin Dorks, NV (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. In a blistering attack on the “political elitism that is destroying America” Nevada Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite Sharron Angle slammed the “fancy table manners in Washington” as she ramped up her campaign against incumbent Democrat Harry Reid. Read the full story

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Christine O’Donnell Not Happy About Fielding Witch Jokes


When Christine O’Donnell of Delaware won the election to run for a United States Senate seat on the GOP ticket, she was all smiles, but it didn’t take long for the bones in her closet to start rattling. The biggest bone rattler of all turned out to be a very savvy Bill Maher, who just happens to be sitting on a gold mine of old Chris O’Donnell tapes from his old television show, Politically Incorrect. Maher has threatened O’Donnell that if she doesn’t accept his offer to appear on his new show Real Time with Bill Maher, he’s will release a video a week up until the election in November. Read the full story

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O’Donnell Win Shortens Rove’s Political Penis Length


SKYPE DELAWARE — GlossyNews.com – Speaking on a Skype interview with Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly, Karl Rove was intent on answering the question “What does her decisive victory say about your own political abilities? You’ve been quoted as saying she can’t win the November general. Then your quote/unquote nutty things don’t add up comment. Come clean here Karl, have you lost your sense of direction?” Read the full story

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Glenn Beck Threatens to Create New Religion “Ameri-Mormonistianity”


Coming off the self-proclaimed super success of his Restoring Honor Rally in Washington, D.C., Glenn Beck has reached the level of leadership needed to take his prophetic brand of hegemony to the next level.

But is his firebrand flavor of beliefs different enough and believable enough to catch on with the majority of Christians who are tired of being lied to? Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, Strange PeopleComments (3)

The Political Messiah Fleeces His Flock


The charismatic figure stood above the masses gathered before him ready to seduce them with his glorious speech. He had purposely chosen a historic location for the event, one whose beloved presence in the minds of the populace would lend weight to his words, one whose place in the hearts of the citizens would hopefully help him to also entrance therein. Read the full story

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Palin Declares War on China


Bouffant Falls, AR (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. (Glossy News) – Presumed 2012 GOP presidential primary entrant Sarah Palin declared war on China today, though she admitted she wasn’t certain “it can be allowed” from an undeclared political candidate.

“I can see Russia from my front window,” Palin shouted to a cheering Tea Party crowd, many of them wearing surplus army helmets and waving chopsticks. “I sure don’t want China up my chimney, and neither do the American people!” Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Applauds President Obama at Beck Rally


Sarah Palin gave a surprise second speech Saturday at Glenn Beck’s “Restore Honor” rally in Washington, D.C. In it, she praised President Obama for finally bringing our combat troops home from Iraq.

“As a mother of a combat soldier,” I want to thank President Obama personally for seeing to it that my son’s life and the lives of the soldiers still living are finally home safe and sound from Iraq. There has been too much bloodshed already. That is what this rally is all about.” Read the full story

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Non-Racist Tea Party Holds Rally on Mexico-Arizona Border


NOGALES, Arizona (GlossyNews) — The Tea Party, which claims it is less racist than a blind beggar, held a rally on the Mexico-Arizona border today to demand the US Government, which they claim spends too much money, spend millions more dollars to patrol the border and keep out illegal immigrants.

The rally was held at a private ranch near a gigantic wall the US Government already built to keep out Mexicans. Apparently the wall is not enough, because the Tea Partiers taped American flags all over it to really scare the bejesus out of anybody with brown skin getting near it. In another flourish of non-racism, the Tea Partiers taped hand-written messages to the TWENTY FOOT TALL WALL ALREADY BUILT TO KEEP OUT MEXICANS with ideas on how to stop immigration. Some of the messages were poignant, such as “the mesicns r returded” while others were to the point, such as “nuke Mexico.“ Read the full story

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