Tag Archive | "space exploration"

NASA Continues Search for Planets Where Government More Favorable to Funding Space Exploration


A panel of experts unveiled seven earth-sized planets only 235,145,014,927,344 miles from Earth (where we live), three of which may posses the proper conditions for Pokemon.

This is only the latest milestone in an ongoing search to identify alien governments that may be more willing to fund NASA’s budget than the U.S. government.

“It’s immensely exciting,” said Jane Kranston, an accountant at NASA:

“Ever since they cut funding for toilet seats, we’ve been incredibly motivated to diversify our funding across the Universe. Even the Multiverse if that’s what it takes. Just imagine that somewhere out there is a parallel Universe in which NASA has all its funding and we’ve already terraformed Saturn.”

With a budget that has dropped a staggering 96% since its peak in the 1960s, NASA now has to rely more on private space industry. But even this strategy is not without its detractors. Dean Shmumer, a White House advisor explains that budgets come down to dollars and cents:

“Consider the cost of one SpaceX flight to the ISS. We have to pay $133 million of taxpayer money for that. Meanwhile, we could send the President to Florida thirteen times for the same cost. How could we justify wasting Americans’ hard-earned money on a joyride into space?”

Meanwhile, Kranston and crew watch with anticipation to see what kind of civilizations might inhabit these other worlds:

“A big indication to us will be unorthodox gender roles,” she explains. “We’ve been told by some of our top scientists that there is a strong correlation between cultures in which gender roles are loosely defined and a willingness to fund mass exodus from a planet. If we can find a single dad doing dishes and expertly tracking his children’s developmental milestones on just one of these planets, then our chances of receiving the funding we need will increase exponentially.”

There is some concern about exchange rates between the U.S. dollar and various intergalactic coinages, credits, or whuffie. But Kranston and others at NASA are confident the American people will be ready to submit to new alien overlords and adopt a new currency if it means getting a few clearer pictures of the M81 galaxy.

For now, passionate NASA employees can only cling to the faith that a government somewhere out there is amicable to space exploration.

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Microbiologist Lies About Finding Life on Mars


PASADENA, Ca — Last Thursday, the team leading NASA’s Mars Science Laboratory mission made history when the rover Curiosity identified indisputable evidence of life on Mars—or so it seemed.

The historic discovery, initially made by microbiologist Dr. James Weaver, turned out to be an elaborate ruse Weaver concocted in an effort to “take the piss” out of his colleagues.

“I couldn’t resist,” said a very smug Dr. Weaver.

“Those jagweeds were getting crazy excited about a bunch of damned rocks. It was annoying as hell. I thought I’d mix things up a little.” Read the full story

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China Lays Blame for Lunar Disaster On Female Driver


At a press conference Saturday China announced its lunar mission was in danger and appeared to lay blame on it’s female rover.

The rover, named Yutu and translated as “Rickshaw Woman”, got off to a rocky start when it overshot its landing zone by 3400 miles. Yutu was supposed to land on the visible side of the moon but ended up far away on the cold, dark side. Read the full story

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NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death


CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death.

According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were able to track down a trio of planets not dissimilar to our own. Our hope is that some, if not all, of these planets may be able to support human life and, perhaps more importantly, our overwhelming desire to extinguish it at every chance we get.” Read the full story

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Romney: ‘As President, I Will Put a Man On Mars By 2014’


WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to bolster support for his campaign ahead of next month’s presidential election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has vowed to put a man on the surface of Mars by the year 2014.

Speaking at a post debate rally in Mount Vernon, Ohio Tuesday, Mr. Romney insisted that funding a dangerous manned mission to the Red Planet would become the number one issue on his agenda from day one. Read the full story

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