Tag Archive | "President Obama"

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution


In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.

Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional…

Because the Reps have unfairly loaded the Supreme Court with partisan judges, thus rendering the latter illegitimate and undemocratic…

And worst of all, excessively right-leaning.

Pelosi is concerned that police have been using unkind language which misrecognises and hurts the feelings of the US citizens who in earlier and more barbaric ages, (e.g. Neoliberalithic Antiquity, a few decades B.O.E/Before Obamic Era), were called “criminals.”

Obviously, the latter is the first word mentioned in the document which is now forbidden to use. Instead, police must speak of “people associated with an illegal action.”

Admittedly, there was a considerable degree of debate over whether “illegal action” was not also unduly disparaging, as “illegal” is a highly emotive term.

Still, given the constraints on Senator Pelosi’s time, including the time she had to devote to balancing her various modes of participation in the Heterosexual, Catholic, Liberal-Corporatist, Italian-American, and Political Celebrity lifestyles, there was no time to think of a better term.

Still, Pelosi helpfully reassured us:

“I have to pass the bill first; wait for me to pass it, then we all can see what is in it.

“Well, it worked for the Affordable Health Care Act, didn’t it? Who’s calling it unaffordable by now?”

Some other choice cuts include:

“Bank robbery” implies that someone is violent and may cause harm to others. Refer instead to an “unanticipated cash withdrawal.”

“Breaking and entering” implies that someone has a somehow presumptuous and imposing character. Instead, say “unexpected domestic visit, church attendance or work shift, etc.”

“Domestic violence” is a judgmental and misandrist term; police must only speak of “illicit spousal chastisement.”

One solid god-fearing Republican™ “gently advised” Pelosi to call the latter a “somewhat excessive act of marital discipline” instead, but the writ of execution Pelosi served on him (or whatever I should call that document) said that the latter was a little too misogynistic in comparison to her pet term.

“White-collar fraud,” a divisive and racially insensitive term, is now to be called “financial transaction miscommunication.”

“Rioting” is now called “not-fully-pacific act of concrete political activism.”

“Murder” is “misplaced killing.”

“Attempted murder” implies that the person in question is somehow malicious and dangerous; so now we must speak of “unsuccessful effort to conduct a misplaced killing.”

Please note, as well, that “conduct” is a more value-neutral term than “commit.”

Vandalism is now to be called “surplus damage to the surrounding civic environment.”

Also, if someone is physically assaulted on the grounds of a presumed identity, this is no longer a “hate crime,” because as your parents or teachers used to tell you, “hate is a very strong word.” Now we have to speak of “dislike crimes.” This will be more convenient for Facebook users and Pelosi’s social media lobbyists.

Actually, no-one is convicted or acquitted of crimes anymore, either. Instead, there is a “successful attribution of illegal action” (for Republicans) or even an “unsuccessful attribution” (if you are sufficiently social).

Pelosi did, however, make a principled liberal stand against calls from some previously omnipresent and achingly conspicuous small-government Republicans (who have now inexplicably dropped off the radar, along with their entire families) for new terms to fit previously unrecognised crimes…

Such as “inadequate degree of marital submission,” “exuding an excessively homosexual attitude,” or “promoting, condoning, or even provisionally entertaining insufficiently-approved-of agendas.”

Finally, there is no more right to appeal; firstly, because calling it a “right” implies that the question of whether you are entitled to it or not might be considered insulting, as it raises a doubt as to whether the entitlement might conceivably be deemed potentially illegitimate in the first place.

And secondly, “appeal” is infantilising, sexist, and ageist, because it sounds like you are the tearful widow pleading with the indifferent judge in the Bible, instead of with a progressive and humane liberal establishment.

So, instead, if you get hauled up before the judge, you have to go with the original decision; with no “right of appeal.” This is fortunate, as Pelosi is now musing on the small matter of how to ensure that the judges will always make the correct decisions in the first place.

This is quite an important matter; given that the next progressive senatorial decree will contain a framework for ensuring absolute and unconditional accountability, public spirit, and conformity to the Greater Good, the Public Interest and Our Common Humanity (Yow! TM failage!)…

Especially among unsocial businesspersons, conservative religious leaders, right-leaning educators and journalists, and backward Republican politicians. Before long, hateful and divisive right-wing politics will be no more…

Nor, in all probability, will hateful and divisive right-wingers be permitted to exist.

President Obama, however, is horrified at Pelosi’s unilateral action. He is furious at these presumptuous and unwarranted measures.

“Shit! That’s totally arbitrary and uncalled for!

“I mean, why should she have been the one to do this? Like, why didn’t I think of all this a few years ago? I mean, if I’d done that, I could’ve secured my seat on the Throne of Allah… I mean, the Throne of God…

“The Christian God, I mean… sorry, teleprompter fail.. my seat in the Oval Office, for decades to come!

“I mean, so far, I’ve only managed to bring Change; like, if I’d been given 30 or 40 years more to accomplish what Pelosi has done in this short time (she’s disappeared even more inconvenient nuisances than Hillary has!)…

“Well, in a few short decades, I’m sure I could have finally nailed all this Hope crap too!”

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Top Celebrities Pledge to Create Thousands of Entourage Jobs


Sid Weinstock, a savvy businessman from Los Angeles, has a list of some of the biggest names in the country who are each pledging to hire several new entourage members in an effort to create upwards of 100,000 new jobs in America in 2014. Justin Bieber has promised to add at least 20 new members to his entourage in the coming months. Auditions for the jobs will be taking place in Atlanta in January. Read the full story

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Drunken Obama Declares Prima Nocte


WASHINGTON — In a surprise move late last night, President Obama declared “Prima Nocte,” invoking the controversial 16th century feudal statute that allowed noblemen to “call dibs” on any newlywed bride during her first night of marriage.

According to the decree, local politicians – such as mayors and councilmen – reserve the right to procreate with other men’s new brides “freely and without consequence,” provided those young ladies are within their political constituency. Read the full story

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Joe Biden Appointed Secretary of Intermoronical Affairs


Vice President Joe Biden has reason to smile.

Not only did the Delawarean Dynamo just get sworn into a second term of office; now Washington news organizations are reporting that Biden has been tapped to serve jointly as head of a new cabinet-level agency: the Department of Intermoronical Affairs. Read the full story

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Obama Executive Order Forgives Teacher Debt


WASHINGTON DC–President Obama signed an executive order today forgiving college loan debt held by America’s public school teachers.

“Let me be perfectly clear. America’s teachers have worked too hard for far too long, for little pay and even less respect,” remarked the President. “As states like Florida continue to nickel and dime those who educate the youth of this country through legislative mandate of individual pension contributions, union-busting and underfunding of this nation’s schools, providing teachers financial relief–giving back to those who have given so much for so little in return–is a long-term investment in our schools and in our children.” Read the full story

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Reason 17 I’m Voting Romney: I Like His Hair


GlossyNews.com[Note from the Staff of Glossy News: We proofread the author Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney.

We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff of Glossy News] Read the full story

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Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats


Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t really hate anybody. Except for the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada” song; he should be water boarded. Read the full story

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Republicans Claim Inheritance Tax Owed on Deficit Inherited from Bush


Republicans continue to assure the wealthiest Americans that no new taxes will be levied against them. However, with the Tea Party breathing down their necks and threatening to withhold votes if something isn’t done to get the budget under control, top Republican strategists have come up with a plan they believe will take on the appearance of bringing in some much-needed revenue. Read the full story

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Obama Not Reading Book Upside Down When Bin Laden Killed


It has already started, the “What were you doing when you heard the news that Osama bin Laden was killed?” Most of us were getting ready for bed or already there on a Sunday evening when the news broke. Not much else to remember, just that as soon as we heard, we couldn’t turn off the television. Read the full story

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Birthers Regroup After Minor Setback, Demand REAL Documents


Chastened by Obama’s release of the long form of his official birth certificate, leading proponents of the ‘birther’ movement (now officially dubbed ‘afterbirthers’) met today to rethink their strategy of trying to prove President Barack Obama is not a “natural-born citizen” of the United States. Proposals include:

1) Demanding to know whether Obama was delivered by cesarean section or by “natural” child-birth. Read the full story

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President Obama Offers up Authentic Treasure Map to Throw Off Birther Scent


The quest for definitive evidence that Barack Obama was born (or not born) in the United States is heating up once again. This time, it is millionaire Donald Trump (or billionaire if you’re asking Trump himself) who is leading the scavenger hunt. Tired of all of the hubbub about where he was born, the President is finally taking matters into his own hands by offering up an authentic treasure map to throw Trump off the birther scent. Read the full story

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O’Reilly, Obama Find Common Ground; Glenn Beck is Nuts


President Obama sat down with Fox News Show host Bill O’Reilly in a rare and candid interview that touched on everything from the unrest in Egypt and how it should be handled, the economy and how to achieve a more stable union, and Obama’s thoughts on the 2012 elections. But it was Glenn Beck that really brought the two men together in a meeting of the minds. Read the full story

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Steps to Remedy Sophomoric Behavior Expected at SOTU Address


Whoever came up with the term “date night” to describe the seating arrangements anticipated at the President’s State of the Union Address on Tuesday night has a good handle on just how juvenile the behavior of some of our lawmakers has become. When it comes down to actually having to physically require Democrats to sit with Republicans and vice versa to give the appearance of bi-partisanship, we are in deep, deep trouble. Read the full story

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Obama Signs New Jim Crow Bill into Law


Washington D.C. – Continuing a perfect record of being a doormat for the Neo-Fascists, President Obama signed a reverse civil rights bill into law today. Specifically, the bill addresses the ire of restaurant owners who are tired of serving pesky colored people, and gives a shot in the arm to drinking fountain and tacky sign manufacturers. Read the full story

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President Obama Stars In ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’


President Obama gazed down from the icy bridge into the swirling frigid waters of the Potomac below him. In the darkness of the night the distance between him and its whirlpools seemed vast. He was at an end.

The difficulties of his Presidency seemed as dark, endless and foreboding as the waters he looked down upon. The constant assault and harassment by foes, the never ending undermining by the Republicans and the slings and arrows of a thousand misfortunes pulled the earth itself out from under him. Now even his own party was turning against him. Read the full story

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Chicago High School Replaces Gym Equipment with Nintendo Wii Stations


Chicago, Ill – GlossyNews.com – Chicago’s George Washington High School is the first in the nation to bring its gymnasium into the 21st century by replacing all of its gym equipment, including balls, bats, paddles and nets with two big-screen Nintendo Wii Stations. The idea spun out of Michelle Obama’s drive to make the nation’s youth more active and stamp out the growing trend toward juvenile obesity. Read the full story

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