Tag Archive | "Politics"

“Yucky World” w/ Dick and Janey: Gubernatorial Mayhem!


Announcer: Political campaigns seem to be getting nastier and nastier. One of the worst has been the governor’s race in our home state. Both candidates are here today to debate the issues as guests of Dick and Janey on their talk show “Yucky World”.

Janey: I want to offer a warm welcome to our two gubernatorial candidates, Johnny Mangler and James Bustemup.

Dick: One of them will be the next guber of our state.

Janey: That’s governor, Dick.

Dick: They look more like gubers to me.

Janey: If you say so. Gentlemen why has this campaign been so negative?

Mangler: Don’t ask me. He started it!

Bustemup: Did not!

Mangler: Did so!

Bustemup: You ran the first negative TV commercial!

Mangler: All my ad did was to ask you a simple question that required a simple “Yes” or “No” answer: Have you stopped beating your dog? Have you? Huh?

Bustemup: Well, you never answered my ad’s simple question: Have you ever met a dead cat that you didn’t like? “Yes” or “No”? Huh? Huh?

Dick: I’m not real mathematical, but I think we may have just reached a new high in negativity!

Janey: And since we have apparently completed our discussion of that subject, let’s turn our debate to some of the other campaign issues. Mr. Bustemup, what are you going to do about taxes?

Bustemup: Read my lips: I’ll lower taxes!

Mangler: That pledge is as false as his teeth!

Bustemup: Read my gums: I’ll still lower taxes!

Janey: O-okay, let’s move on. How do you differ on crime?

Mangler: He’s soft on crime!

Bustemup: He’s soft in the head like a poached egg!

Mangler: His thinking’s all scrambled!

Dick: Keep it up, guys!

Janey: Dick, please!

Dick: Just trying to “egg” them on a little. Yuck! Yuck! Chortle!

Janey: There’s been a lot of concern expressed during the campaign about the deterioration of family values. Does either of you have a program to deal with this problem?

Mangler: He probably wants to give out army boots to all of our mothers—like the kind his mother wore!

Bustemup: Yeah, well, your father wore a tutu with his army boots!

Mangler: Let’s take this outside in the alley. I’ll knock your brains out!

Bustemup: I’ll knock yours out first!

Dick: This should be a real short fight!

Mangler: I hope we can find the alley.

Bustemup: You’d have trouble finding your nose if it wasn’t stuck to your face.

Mangler: Yeah, well, at least my nose looks like it belongs to my face!

Janey: Gentlemen, please! I going to call an end to our debate before someone gets hurt. And…ah…please put your chairs down. Thank you. Our security personnel will now escort you to your cars.

Dick: It’s too bad we don’t have an alley out back. It might have been fun watching them rearrange each other’s face!

Janey: Dick, please. Say! Are you okay? You look a little sick.

Dick: I was just thinking about Election Day.

Janey: And?

Dick: Well, normally, I hold my nose when I’m voting, but this time I’m afraid I’m going to have to take an airline barf bag into the booth with me.

Janey: Pretty bad, huh?

Dick: “(W)retched!”

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Megyn Kelly is Still a Massive Twat, But Mitt Romney Has a Huge Wang (Censored Version)


Megyn Kelly, anchor of some white guy’s network, is still being pursued by liberals and stuff, claiming that her blatant and sour opinions that put people to shame were morally wrong and shouldn’t be on a comedy network such as FOX news. Read the full story

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obamymorons! (They’re not what you think!)


Announcer: Today’s guest on “Yucky World” will be noted political consultant and lexicologist W.C. “Scoop” Pooper. He will be discussing a new political term, Obamymoron, with our talk show hosts Dick and Janey.

Janey: Welcome, Scoop.

Dick: Hey, what’s the latest poop, Scoop? Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Scoop: Well, President Obama has finally stepped in it this time with the Sergeant Bergdahl trade!

Dick: I’m not surprised. That’s what happens when you lead with your bee-hind.

Janey: Please, Dick! What’s an Obamymoron, Scoop?

Scoop: It’s when people realize that what you said or did contradicts reality.

Dick: Like Bergdahl was so near death that the President didn’t have time to consult Congress?

Scoop: Right!

Dick: Then “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” would also be an Obamymoron?

Scoop: Absolutely! But it doesn’t have to be something President Obama said or did.

Janey: How about “Read my lips! No new taxes”?

Scoop: Exactly! Obamymorons can be bi-partisan!

Dick: What about Susan Rice saying Bergdahl was “captured on the battlefield” and “served the United States with honor and distinction”?

Scoop: That’s a double Obamymoron. Those are hard to do!

Dick: Not for Rice. Don’t forget her Obamymoron that the attack in Benghazi started out as a protest over a video.

Janey: I’m a little concerned that some people might think the term Obamymoron is racist.

Scoop: You know, it’s really just a play on the word oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp”. Obamymorons are very similar to oxymorons; they both have built-in contradictions!

Dick: And no one’s ever said that using the term oxymoron meant a person was prejudiced against oxen.

Janey: Ri-i-ght, Dick. But why pick on Obama?

Scoop: Because he’s so easy. Remember when Obama said he was against presidential signing statements being attached to bills and that his administration would be the most transparent ever?

Dick: Obamymorons!

Janey: But sometimes reality is different from what you expected.

Scoop: Yeah! And when reality gets in the way of transparency, and Bush can’t be blamed, you can always crash Lois Lerner’s IRS computer!

Dick: Look at the President’s goal of equal pay for men and women. The problem was, for Obama’s White House staff, women only earned 88% of what men did!

Scoop: Obamymoron!

Dick: How about “I did not have sexual relations with that woman Monica Lewinsky”?

Scoop: Doink! That’s not an Obamymoron!

Dick: Doink! Huh?

Janey: Clinton had sex with her, Dick, not sexual relations.

Dick: I’m confused.

Janey: About sex? I’m not surprised.

Scoop: Clinton was being a lawyer and parsing words.

Janey: Speaking of parsing words, our sponsors have just sent us an email indicating that they would like to have an Obamymoron contest.

Dick: Just email your Obamymorons to us here at the station.

Scoop: Will there be prizes?

Dick: Everyone who enters is guaranteed a free IRS audit!

Scoop: What about special prizes for the best responses?

Janey: For second place, your audit will be conducted in the Rose Garden.

Dick: And you will get a free beer compliments of the President.

Scoop: I’m afraid to ask what first place wins.

Dick: A one week all expenses paid vacation to Qatar where you will stay with the Taliban Five at their safe house.

Janey: Wouldn’t a Taliban safe house be a…

Scoop: Yes! …An oxymoronic Obamymoron!!

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President Obama Vows to Punish the Guilty in VA Scandal, Unless They Happen to be Federal Workers


Washington, D.C. – President Obama sternly admitted that no one in the country is more outraged than he over the news coming out of the VA scandal in which numerous veterans have lost their lives waiting for medical care. Nobody bought it, of course, but he still said it.

What the President meant to say was that if any of those responsible for denying care to veterans worked in the private sector, they would be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Read the full story

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White House Laments Roosevelt Didn’t Have #HitlerSucks in 1940’s, Could Have Shortened War


Washington D.C. – Sixteen year-old White House Spokesman, Jay Carney, commented in today’s presidential press briefing that it was a shame the Roosevelt administration didn’t have the benefit of hashtags in the early days of World War II so they could have tweeted some strongly worded messages that could have stopped the dictator in his tracks and brought the war to a quicker, more peaceful end.

In recent weeks, the hashtag has become the most powerful weapon of the most powerful country in the world when it comes to confronting evil in the modern world. Carney went on to talk about the awesome power of the hashtag and how it could have devastated Hitler. Read the full story

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‘American Idol’ Becomes Proving Ground for Future Politicians After Aiken Congressional Run


Los Angeles – Ryan Seacrest announced this morning that, due to former American Idol finalist Clay Aiken’s close results in his bid to win a congressional seat in North Carolina, the show would transition to a clearinghouse for all future politicians.

“These kids can sing so why shouldn’t they lead our country too?”

RIGHT: January 20, 2021, President Aiken and his Cabinet. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Seacrest grinned while thinking of the possibilities, “I can envision a country where Carrie Underwood would be the hottest Secretary of State we’ve ever had. Are you telling me all world leaders wouldn’t shut up and listen when she walked into a room? Come on!” Read the full story

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Koch Bros. Buy Democratic Party, Harry Reid Short Circuits


Washington, D.C. – The Koch Brothers have had it with Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader from Nevada, and his constant railing against the brothers every time he props himself up against the podium on the floor of the Senate to spew asinine comments in recent months. So they bought the Democratic Party.

RIGHT: The Koch brothers share the dais with Senator Reid. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com. Read the full story

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Harry Reid Takes on Bundy Family, Al says “Let’s Rock”


(Nevada) – Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has doubled down on his name calling by referring to the Bundy family as ‘domestic terrorists’ after the Bundy home became a lightning rod for controversy involving unpaid taxes.

The situation began after patriarch Al Bundy refused to pay taxes on Big ‘Uns magazines as well as Bon-Bons and hair care products for wife Peggy.

“Those things are basic essentials, like food and water,” proclaimed Al. “You can’t tax hooters! It’s un-American!”
Read the full story

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GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration


On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man’s job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn’t disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut Read the full story

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Sarah Palin wants to save Christmas. You can help by buying her new book


Christmas Day is just around the corner, a time of peace and love and harmony, unless you’re Jewish. But this year, our Christian values of tolerance and forgiveness are being overwhelmed by a cataclysmic war on a scale the world has never seen.

The images we see on television are heartbreaking. When will this senseless war stop?

No, I’m not talking about the twelve-year war in Afghanistan, nor the civil war tearing apart Syria. I’m not even talking about the brutal Mattress Price Wars, although the televised images of those retailers viciously slashing prices before my very eyes is enough to make me sick.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

No, I am, of course, talking about something far more pernicious and deadly: The War on Christmas.

RIGHT: Please buy this book. Do it for America–and for baby Jesus. That perfect gift for that God-fearing someone in your life. [Disclaimer: This book may not be suitable for people with an IQ over 75 or who suffer from tolerance of those with differing worldviews from their own.] (CLICK IMAGE TO ENGLARGE)

In her lovingly written new book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, distinguished author and former Alaskan beauty pageant winner Sarah Palin launches into a heartwarming tirade in defense of Christian values against the onslaught of political correctness, the secularization of Christmas, and the abominations of atheists and liberals (which two groups are, of course, essentially the same). And I for one could not agree with her views more, even if I understood what she was talking about.

I will be the first to admit that, like millions of Americans, I had no idea Sarah Palin could read, let alone write. But I was wrong. In her new pop-up coloring book, the ex-60%-of-one-term governor of Alaska makes a clarion call to save Christmas. What is destroying our American way of life is not a culture of gun violence. Nor the fact that the top 1% of society owns 40% of the nation’s wealth. It’s not even our faltering educational system. The real problem confronting us, according to Palin, is the war waged by millions on the left against Christmas.

Palin’s motive for writing this book is explained in her own words on the book’s back cover: “If I’m for Christmas, it’s only because I’m for Christ.” It’s clear that unlike liberals and people wanting to take away our guns, Palin loves Jesus. And the fact that she stands to rake in $10 million from book sales to Wal-Mart shoppers was the furthest thing from her mind when she hired someone to ghostwrite her book.

In reading her inspiring message of hope for all Christians in this great Christian nation of Christians, I came away with a startling realization about how much hatred for our savior lies deep within the misguided hearts of the average Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, vegetarian, environmental activist and community organizer. It was not until I read this book that I finally understood why Jesus hates gays. The War on Christmas, Palin points out, is first and foremost a war for our souls. And thanks to insidious, politically correct wishes for “Happy Holidays” oppressing our attempts to wish our fellow citizens a “Merry Christmas,” Satan and his growing army of Christmas-destroyers are winning the battle.

Here is a short passage from her book that I pray you will appreciate as much as I did:

Jesus’ birth is not about Black Friday sales. Why does Christmas cause so much anger just by its very name? If Jesus, coming to us for our salvation, which, when I think back upon it, it’s because of the lamestream media, whose hostility to Christmas, such that who are they to judge, notwithstanding if we take arms courageously to protect the Bible, then perhaps those without salvation, having caused such an uproar, for whom was the baby swaddled in a manger, which you can see from Alaska, and good will to all mankind except for angry homosexuals who don their gay apparel…

Amen, Sister Sarah, amen. I could not have said it better myself (had I been in a drunken stupor from spiked eggnog).

Sarah Palin book signingPalin zeroes in on the real meaning of Christmas. It’s not about Black Friday sales on flat screen TVs and tablet PCs. It’s about pointing out how Americans who have discovered Jesus are better than everybody else. As Palin soothingly explains, the real crisis threatening Christmas in America is all those atheists trying to return Christmas to its origins as a pagan festival celebrating the winter solstice during which Democrats would get drunk and fornicate with goats. Why do they hate baby Jesus so much? For God’s sake, he’s just a baby.

In this amazing book, written in a tasteful Helvetica font, Palin’s mission is to be that brave voice speaking on behalf of all Christians in America’s heartland (circa 1953). She courageously reveals that Christmas isn’t about sharing the holiday quietly with your loved ones and opening presents. It’s about lovingly shoving your own views about Christmas down the throats of people who don’t share your deeply-held fundamentalist beliefs, and compassionately reminding all Americans why it’s important to load your hunting rifle and rid this Christian nation of those intolerant Jesus-haters who are desperately trying to keep us from spreading God’s Christmas message of peace and good will to mankind.

Why waste time reading the hackneyed holiday musings of Charles Dickens, Clement Clarke Moore or Robert Frost? They’ve all been surpassed by the brightest star atop the literary Christmas tree, Sarah Louise Palin. Please do your patriotic duty this Christmas and buy her incredible Christmas book.

Help Sarah save Christmas for all of us – well, most of us, anyway. If enough red-blooded Americans purchase her book, it just might make Sarah Palin the most miraculous profit of God in our lifetime.

Happy Holida-, er, I mean, Merry Christmas, everybody.

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Bill Maher to Debut “Overtime After Dark” Post-Post Show in 2014


HBO has enjoyed tremendous success with Bill Maher in their weekly late night slot, and even greater success in the web-only segment of the show “Overtime”, but now they’re taking it to the next level with “Overtime After Dark,” set to premiere in 2014.

“The show is good,” said Barry Goldsteinburg, acting agent for Bill Maher, “but with the continued success of Overtime we just felt it was the right time to take it to the next level.” Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, TelevisionComments (1)

Conservative Group Angered over Leftish Bias of Bible Translations


The Freedom Under a Christian Ruled Society (FUCRS) today announced their outright disgust at bible translations with a blatantly liberal agenda and plans to have the Good Book translated from the New Living Translation to one that meets their political needs, according to a press release.

Artie Ful, spokesperson for FUCRS, explained in an interview that some good Christian men and women have been feeling singled out and persecuted. Read the full story

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Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party


INDIANAPOLIS – A cocktail party took just two hours to deteriorate into a fledgling political party Monday, after the event’s laid-back atmosphere took on a more serious and philosophical tone.

Guests arrived at The Hilton Indianapolis Hotel in buoyant mood, expecting a productive night of alcohol consumption and networking.

However, events took a swift turn after one guest made a single reference to the 2006 Military Commissions Act, spawning an all night discussion on the topic of government legislation. Read the full story

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Congress to Pit Literal Donkey v. Elephant to Determine Best Political Party


Democrats and GOP Anxious to Find Out How Animals That Represent Them Will Fare in Battle For Zoological Dominance

WASHINGTON DC—In a startling attempt to determine, once in for all, which party reigns supreme in US government, members of congress have agreed to let a donkey and an elephant fight to the death in the foyer of the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

The two creatures will be angered by electrical prodding and then released into a small pen where they will be forced to kick, stomp, and smash each others’ bodies until a survivor is deemed victorious. Read the full story

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Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair


WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.

Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said: Read the full story

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Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense


AUBURN – After years of internal struggle, a Libertarian activist has come forth and admitted his chosen ideology does not make any sense.

Jon Rockwell, 23, who likes to go by the nickname “Voluntaryist Rand,” told reporters that Libertarianism cannot be reconciled with the fundamentals of human nature and basic logic, no matter how much he wishes to believe so.

“I have spent years trying to back away from this singular point, but it’s no use. Libertarianism was my brother – I loved it, but nothing can stop these little grey cells of mine from issuing a verdict, ” he said. Read the full story

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