Tag Archive | "Politics"

GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration


On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man’s job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn’t disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut Read the full story

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Sarah Palin wants to save Christmas. You can help by buying her new book


Christmas Day is just around the corner, a time of peace and love and harmony, unless you’re Jewish. But this year, our Christian values of tolerance and forgiveness are being overwhelmed by a cataclysmic war on a scale the world has never seen.

The images we see on television are heartbreaking. When will this senseless war stop?

No, I’m not talking about the twelve-year war in Afghanistan, nor the civil war tearing apart Syria. I’m not even talking about the brutal Mattress Price Wars, although the televised images of those retailers viciously slashing prices before my very eyes is enough to make me sick.

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No, I am, of course, talking about something far more pernicious and deadly: The War on Christmas.

RIGHT: Please buy this book. Do it for America–and for baby Jesus. That perfect gift for that God-fearing someone in your life. [Disclaimer: This book may not be suitable for people with an IQ over 75 or who suffer from tolerance of those with differing worldviews from their own.] (CLICK IMAGE TO ENGLARGE)

In her lovingly written new book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, distinguished author and former Alaskan beauty pageant winner Sarah Palin launches into a heartwarming tirade in defense of Christian values against the onslaught of political correctness, the secularization of Christmas, and the abominations of atheists and liberals (which two groups are, of course, essentially the same). And I for one could not agree with her views more, even if I understood what she was talking about.

I will be the first to admit that, like millions of Americans, I had no idea Sarah Palin could read, let alone write. But I was wrong. In her new pop-up coloring book, the ex-60%-of-one-term governor of Alaska makes a clarion call to save Christmas. What is destroying our American way of life is not a culture of gun violence. Nor the fact that the top 1% of society owns 40% of the nation’s wealth. It’s not even our faltering educational system. The real problem confronting us, according to Palin, is the war waged by millions on the left against Christmas.

Palin’s motive for writing this book is explained in her own words on the book’s back cover: “If I’m for Christmas, it’s only because I’m for Christ.” It’s clear that unlike liberals and people wanting to take away our guns, Palin loves Jesus. And the fact that she stands to rake in $10 million from book sales to Wal-Mart shoppers was the furthest thing from her mind when she hired someone to ghostwrite her book.

In reading her inspiring message of hope for all Christians in this great Christian nation of Christians, I came away with a startling realization about how much hatred for our savior lies deep within the misguided hearts of the average Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, vegetarian, environmental activist and community organizer. It was not until I read this book that I finally understood why Jesus hates gays. The War on Christmas, Palin points out, is first and foremost a war for our souls. And thanks to insidious, politically correct wishes for “Happy Holidays” oppressing our attempts to wish our fellow citizens a “Merry Christmas,” Satan and his growing army of Christmas-destroyers are winning the battle.

Here is a short passage from her book that I pray you will appreciate as much as I did:

Jesus’ birth is not about Black Friday sales. Why does Christmas cause so much anger just by its very name? If Jesus, coming to us for our salvation, which, when I think back upon it, it’s because of the lamestream media, whose hostility to Christmas, such that who are they to judge, notwithstanding if we take arms courageously to protect the Bible, then perhaps those without salvation, having caused such an uproar, for whom was the baby swaddled in a manger, which you can see from Alaska, and good will to all mankind except for angry homosexuals who don their gay apparel…

Amen, Sister Sarah, amen. I could not have said it better myself (had I been in a drunken stupor from spiked eggnog).

Sarah Palin book signingPalin zeroes in on the real meaning of Christmas. It’s not about Black Friday sales on flat screen TVs and tablet PCs. It’s about pointing out how Americans who have discovered Jesus are better than everybody else. As Palin soothingly explains, the real crisis threatening Christmas in America is all those atheists trying to return Christmas to its origins as a pagan festival celebrating the winter solstice during which Democrats would get drunk and fornicate with goats. Why do they hate baby Jesus so much? For God’s sake, he’s just a baby.

In this amazing book, written in a tasteful Helvetica font, Palin’s mission is to be that brave voice speaking on behalf of all Christians in America’s heartland (circa 1953). She courageously reveals that Christmas isn’t about sharing the holiday quietly with your loved ones and opening presents. It’s about lovingly shoving your own views about Christmas down the throats of people who don’t share your deeply-held fundamentalist beliefs, and compassionately reminding all Americans why it’s important to load your hunting rifle and rid this Christian nation of those intolerant Jesus-haters who are desperately trying to keep us from spreading God’s Christmas message of peace and good will to mankind.

Why waste time reading the hackneyed holiday musings of Charles Dickens, Clement Clarke Moore or Robert Frost? They’ve all been surpassed by the brightest star atop the literary Christmas tree, Sarah Louise Palin. Please do your patriotic duty this Christmas and buy her incredible Christmas book.

Help Sarah save Christmas for all of us – well, most of us, anyway. If enough red-blooded Americans purchase her book, it just might make Sarah Palin the most miraculous profit of God in our lifetime.

Happy Holida-, er, I mean, Merry Christmas, everybody.

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Bill Maher to Debut “Overtime After Dark” Post-Post Show in 2014


HBO has enjoyed tremendous success with Bill Maher in their weekly late night slot, and even greater success in the web-only segment of the show “Overtime”, but now they’re taking it to the next level with “Overtime After Dark,” set to premiere in 2014.

“The show is good,” said Barry Goldsteinburg, acting agent for Bill Maher, “but with the continued success of Overtime we just felt it was the right time to take it to the next level.” Read the full story

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Conservative Group Angered over Leftish Bias of Bible Translations


The Freedom Under a Christian Ruled Society (FUCRS) today announced their outright disgust at bible translations with a blatantly liberal agenda and plans to have the Good Book translated from the New Living Translation to one that meets their political needs, according to a press release.

Artie Ful, spokesperson for FUCRS, explained in an interview that some good Christian men and women have been feeling singled out and persecuted. Read the full story

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Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party


INDIANAPOLIS – A cocktail party took just two hours to deteriorate into a fledgling political party Monday, after the event’s laid-back atmosphere took on a more serious and philosophical tone.

Guests arrived at The Hilton Indianapolis Hotel in buoyant mood, expecting a productive night of alcohol consumption and networking.

However, events took a swift turn after one guest made a single reference to the 2006 Military Commissions Act, spawning an all night discussion on the topic of government legislation. Read the full story

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Congress to Pit Literal Donkey v. Elephant to Determine Best Political Party


Democrats and GOP Anxious to Find Out How Animals That Represent Them Will Fare in Battle For Zoological Dominance

WASHINGTON DC—In a startling attempt to determine, once in for all, which party reigns supreme in US government, members of congress have agreed to let a donkey and an elephant fight to the death in the foyer of the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

The two creatures will be angered by electrical prodding and then released into a small pen where they will be forced to kick, stomp, and smash each others’ bodies until a survivor is deemed victorious. Read the full story

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Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair


WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.

Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said: Read the full story

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Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense


AUBURN – After years of internal struggle, a Libertarian activist has come forth and admitted his chosen ideology does not make any sense.

Jon Rockwell, 23, who likes to go by the nickname “Voluntaryist Rand,” told reporters that Libertarianism cannot be reconciled with the fundamentals of human nature and basic logic, no matter how much he wishes to believe so.

“I have spent years trying to back away from this singular point, but it’s no use. Libertarianism was my brother – I loved it, but nothing can stop these little grey cells of mine from issuing a verdict, ” he said. Read the full story

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Donald Trump Accepts Guest Of Honor Invitation To CPAC Surprise Celebrity Roast


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Ann Coulter Changes Affiliation, Will Now Be Proponent For Human Race


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Lew’s Treasury Secretary Position Secured, Economy Not


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Jesse Jackson Jr. To Run For Cell Block President After Sentencing


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Pol. Candidate Shocks Press with Actual Answer


America’s politics have just become more divisive after a candidate’s response to a question at his election press conference.

Mike Uno, 43, who is running for the Republican nomination in Virginia’s gubernatorial election this year, is at the center of the controversy. When Central Central News reporter Candy Bash asked him why he has not yet married, Uno responded “Because I’m smarter than your ex-husband.” Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Places Personal Ad in Wall Street Journal for ‘Friend’


Former GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney took out a classified ad today in the Wall Street Journal seeking a new friend to “pal around with.”

“I have everything money can buy,” Romney said in an interview, “but I have never really taken the time to buy myself a good friend that I can just hang out with, watch the game with and just, you know, do friend things with.”

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The classified ad states that the friend must have at least a graduate degree in either political science or economics, be financially secure, Mormon and married with at least two children. Read the full story

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California Implements “Purina Food Stamp” Program


Sinking Ship, CA – In a progressive move, the California Senate approved a law to provide for California Purina Stamps for pets. The law goes into effect on January 1, 2013.

Pet owners whose pets no longer possess the instinct for hunting and gathering will be provided for in a program similar to standard food stamp programs.

“This is a great day for California’s pets” Senator Alex Padilla, said enthusiastically. “It’s time for the 1% of the pets who chase vermin away from crops or who herd and/or protect farm animals from predators to start to look out for the other 99% of the pets who can no longer do those things. Read the full story

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Local Woman Orders at Deli, Is Reminded of Election


Worchester, MA – Esther Urville, manager at Norbert’s Garden Shop, too frazzled to brown bag her lunch this morning, ran to the local deli on her lunch hour. While placing her order, she was reminded, to her chagrin, of the election just passed.

“I wanted a roast beef sandwich, with pepperoni, black olives, onions, red peppers and three slices of swiss cheese without too many holes in them,” Mrs. Urville said. “When I ordered, they looked at me funny and said the only options were vegetarian or B.L.T. My first thought was how much it was like voting.” Read the full story

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