Tag Archive | "Politics"

Pillory and Paddle


There is a politician who is universally disliked except by the people who keep sending her back to the House of Representatives. Please don’t do that anymore. If you feel that strongly about the woman keep her at home.

She is the only person who ever made me truly regret having given up on the notion of purgatory. I now wish there was cause and effect between her earthly conduct and the fate of her miserable soul. She has never revealed her actual age but I am usually a good guesser and would put her at about 95 or 100. Her husband is a criminal. Well, so is she but somehow no one has gotten around to plopping the pair of them in the hoosegow. But, they are far too wealthy to ever find a bunk there. I can’t reveal her name because the state she represents has a special set of liable laws making it an expensive felony to say anything truthful about her.

Her biography is a tricky thing, changing without consequence to fit any notion that will bring her the most sympathy and votes. Once she was descended from Native American tribes. Then from slave stock, then from harried immigrant blood. Whatever cause is at the forefront she is in the thick of it always claiming to be the most oppressed victim of all.

Finding her real beginnings proved difficult. I wanted to find out whose privates had been sorely used by Beelzebub and forced into the despicable do-si-do that spawned her. Any reliable documents have been long purged. A study of her face brings to mind Sauron and his possible use of it as the prototype for his orcs. But even that necromancer could never conjure up such a face of evil. She has to have a past beyond the deception and thievery that plagues us now. She had to come from somewhere.

It took months of hard work to track down one bitter old man who years before claimed to know the identity of this woman’s real mother. Foul things had come to him after his disclosure. His temerity had nearly cost him his life. But he never backed away from his claim and when I went to visit him he produced a yellowed news clipping. One he keep safe in a small plastic sandwich bag. It was an article from Starlet Magazine, a Hollywood publication that dealt with the scandals and hijinks of silent screen sirens. This one featured Normani O’Rourke. He swore she was her real mother.

I left and began researching Normani O’Rourke. To find out all I could about her. She had been a silent film star cast as a sultry wench who seduced the best known actors of her time. Both on and off the set. She’d been in a well-publicized fight with Mae Busch. A starlet from Australia. They had argued over who was going to play Cleopatra in an upcoming blockbuster directed by D.W. Griffith. A titan of his time. They both wanted the role but Mae took ol’ D.W. behind the backdrop and won the job. Normani fumed.

Turning her back on legitimate films, Normani started to do illegitimate ones. She changed her name to Ma Bush to get back at her old rival. She had her hair dyed and styled to match Mae Busch and even had a birthmark tattooed on her cheek to match the distinctive feature her nemesis used as her trademark. In the graininess of the medium of the day they looked nearly identical.

Her first film was entitled, Ma Bush Goes to the Meat Market. Thin on plot, except for Ma Bush taking on all the meat cutters for a free lamb chop, it was action packed. And thoroughly embarrassing for Mae Busch who repeatedly denied it was her.

Her second film was Ma Bush Comes Home, a film about the prodigal daughter returning home for the holidays. No one was safe. Uncles, cousins and even a few aunts were part of the shenanigans. For the final scene the table was cleared and Ma Bush lay naked upon it, taking on all comers while her father pounded out a lively ragtime piece on the family piano.

Mae Busch was ruined and turned to drink. She named Normani O’Rourke as the real Ma Bush but no one believed her. She could no longer find work on the big screen and all of her friends deserted her in disgust. Excoriating sermons were composed and delivered expounding the evils of her debauchery, promiscuity and incest. Mae Busch died an ignominious and lonely death.

As an aside, Mae Busch wasn’t the only victim. I too lost a person close to me because of this. In Ma Bush’s old black and white films everyone always went really fast. I was intrigued by this style of lovemaking. I didn’t find out until later that old film makes just makes it look that way. They really didn’t go that fast. I tried it on my girlfriend. She packed up and left even after I promised never to go that fast again.

In celebration of her enemy’s demise, Ma Bush starred in the extravaganza Ma Bush Joins the Logging Camp. Posing as the camp’s shy and virtuous laundry maid, Ma Bush went through every lumberjack, cook and log splitter. Moving from one five man tent to the next she took them all on.

In the daylight hours Ma Bush would take picnic lunches out to the men laboring in the woods. She flitted around like a forest sprite taking on one clump of long bearded wood choppers after another. She was an avalanche of shamefulness, fun and abandon. Portraying on film what only the worst of reprobates would attempt behind a closed door.

But Mae Busch was dead and it didn’t take long for everyone to catch on to the ruse. They all said, “That’s not Mae Busch, it’s really Normani O’Rourke!” That was what the old man’s article had said. It said that somewhere in those sinful acts biology won out and Ma Bush, now outed as Normani O’Rourke left the bacchanalian orgies with not only splinters but also pregnant with the politician who would end up doing so much damage to all of us.

In the end we all paid the price for Normani’s revenge on Mae Busch by being forced to fill the greedy, cold hearted pockets of Normani’s dark issue. And when we can pay no more all that’s left for us rabble is the pillory and paddle.

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Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition


[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.]

Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.

President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.

President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.

Read the full story

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WARNING: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder


Over the past 18 months a previously unknown but highly dangerous psychiatric disorder has spread across the entire United States. It is now considered by medical experts to be our nation’s most nefarious mental health problem. This malady’s scientific name is Tolerance of Racist, Unbalanced, Misogynistic Predators Disorder. But it’s more commonly known by its acronym, T.R.U.M.P.

People exposed to T.R.U.M.P. lose the ability to maintain clear, rational thinking and are unable to tell fake news from real. Scientists have discovered that T.R.U.M.P. tends to target less educated and lower income individuals. Blue collar workers concentrated in white, rural communities seem to be particularly vulnerable to this disorder. Read the full story

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Fifteen Signs Your Husband is Thinking of Voting Republican


l) “The Art of the Deal” is the first item on his Amazon wish list.

2) He’s changed his password to “BigHands.”

3) The bumper sticker on his car says WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR HONOR STUDENT? I LOVE THE UNEDUCATED. Read the full story

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Spreading Elucidation


© 2017 Tom Skulldaney

Taking sides to champion our own political heroes is like hawking gangrene as the cure for psoriasis. The only side we should take is our own and stay tough on those we’ve allowed to lead us. They only go astray because we let them. For some reason they’ve come to believe we’ve elected them so they can be afforded a good living. A great living in most cases.

When the information age was dumped on us, I suspect there was great concern among those who had burrowed themselves into scurrilous public service. Information threatened our very ignorance. A requirement for their success. Imagine their delight when they discovered it wasn’t a threat at all. It was a tool. Read the full story

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Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments


Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.

In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment. Read the full story

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Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020


In the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object.

As denial about this shocking outcome gives way to anger, then depression and finally acceptance, pundits are deeply divided as to whether Trump’s election means four years of utter chaos, financial collapse, violence on the streets, nuclear Armageddon, and the end of civilization as we know it – or perhaps something far worse.

If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that if you’re running for the most important job in the world, political experience and proven competence are serious liabilities. Trump has re-written the political playbook. In past elections, having no previous relevant experience, combined with a vengeful temperament, a campaign built around stoking anger, fear, hate, racism, misogyny and a knee-jerk impulse to tweet insults at anyone who makes a joke about your hair might put you at a disadvantage. But that’s so November 7th thinking.

Unless our President-Elect amends the Constitution to do away with elections and installs himself as Supreme Commander-for-Life (which experts put at slightly less than 50% odds), then in four years there will be another election. Candidates are already lining up for the chance to go for politics’ brass ring. Here’s a sneak peek at the early frontrunners for the 2020 presidential race.

Kim Kardashian: For those people hoping 2016 would be the year we finally elected a female president, low-education white truck drivers overwhelmingly agree: Hillary was a lame choice – what with all those bland pantsuits, wonky policy papers and annoyingly high intellect. As Trump repeatedly pointed out, Hillary’s not exactly moving the needle on the 10-point beauty scale. No, what this nation is looking for in its first female head-of-state is a hot, curvy reality star who lets her body do the talking. Another qualification: Kim K has 49 million Twitter followers – almost five times as many as Hillary. (We checked.)

2020-election-duck-dynastyPee Wee Herman: Herman has as much political experience as Trump. And if people were amused by Trump’s immature, petulant man-boy behavior, they should be thrilled by Pee Wee Herman. An added bonus: He appears to have no interest in girls (they have cooties), so the odds of an extra-marital scandal are considered extremely remote in a Herman administration.

David Duke: The people saw in Donald Trump someone who overtly demonstrated a racist worldview. And the people loved it. That’s why the smart money is on the former Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard. Oh, sure, in addition to being a white supremacist, he’s also a longstanding Holocaust denier and all-around creep, but those aren’t his only qualifications. He’s committed to making America even greater again, so long as you’re white, Anglo-Saxon, heterosexual, and a bigot – apparently, the fastest growing demographic segment in America these days.

Dennis Rodman: Some consider the fact that the former NBA star once wore a wedding dress to get married – to himself – on national TV – a sign that he might not have quite the temperament to be Commander-in-Chief – or does he? Like Donald Trump, Rodman has always been a loose cannon who routinely says offensive things for attention. But another asset he brings is that he’d come into office with impressive foreign affairs credentials, thanks to his BFF relationship with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. If it looked like North Korea was about to drop a nuclear bomb on us, Kim might just think twice, knowing his bromance buddy is in the Oval Office.

Vladimir Putin: Talk about an outsider! Russia’s chiseled, bare-chested Hunk-Prez is a huge fan of the American presidential electoral process – and how easy it is to manipulate. Many political analysts think he could win. After all, in his own country, he repeatedly keeps winning re-election with 99% of the vote.

2020-election-homer-simpsonTom Brady: The handsome, popular New England Patriots quarterback has led his team to Super Bowl victories a record four times. Can you say WINNER? Plus, have you seen his gorgeous model wife Gisele? Even hotter than Melania! Brady’s team is called the PATRIOTS – proof that he loves America. He once got caught deflating his footballs, which is against NFL rules. So, he’s a cheater – which in politics is a big plus these days.

There are also some lesser-known newcomers that insiders say to keep an eye on. Here are two of our dark horse favorites:

Hank Wilson: Never heard of him? Neither has anybody else. That’s his biggest asset. He’s the ultimate outsider. This perennially unemployed 42-year-old Wisconsinite not only has zero political experience, he has no discernible job skills – unless you consider his talent for making an awesome triceratops shadow animal on the wall with his hands. With an IQ close to 100, Hank perfectly represents the average American voter. Did we mention, Hank loves to fish? If elected, he’ll need a ride to Washington, as he lost his driver’s license due to a series of DUI’s.

Champ: Like Madonna and Beyoncé, his one-word name is easy to remember, as well as a symbol of his image as a champion of the people. He’s also strong, brave, kind and extremely loyal. The fact that he’s a Golden Retriever might seem to disqualify him as a candidate, but remember, no one thought Trump was qualified either. Technically, Champ is only six years old. But in dog years that makes him 42, more than old enough to meet the minimum age requirement for president.

Finally, you may wonder why we haven’t included Donald Trump in this list of possible contenders for 2020. That’s because if he survives his inevitable impeachment trial, by 2020 with four years in office, he’ll just be another establishment Washington insider. And Americans would never elect someone like that.

This is just a first look at the possible contenders for 2020. Over the next four years, the field will likely change significantly. Personally, I’d say the smart money is on Champ. Unlike our new president-elect, he can be trained to do as he’s told.

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Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged


Donald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic duty to check into these shocking allegations and uncover whether his claims could be substantiated. It turns out Donald Trump is correct. The election IS rigged against him. The proof is extensive and conclusive. Read the full story

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Trump-Corbyn Syndrome Defined As New Mental Disorder


New editions of two major mental disorder classification manuals are to list Trump-Corbyn Syndrome (TCS) as a mental disorder.

The naming of the condition was inspired by the behaviour of Donald Trump’s supporters in the US and Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters in the UK.

The disorder is triggered by often justifiable anger about a person or institution. TCS is diagnosed if the person experiencing such strong negative feelings then rejects the object of their anger in favour of a radically different alternative that is entirely unfit for purpose.

The draft DSM-6 manual (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Sixth Revision) gives an example of a person with Trump-Corbyn Syndrome purchasing an airline ticket:

The Australian carrier Quantas is consistently rated as the world’s safest airline. The Indonesian domestic airline, Transnusa, is currently rated by AirlineRatings.com as amongst the least safe.

A TCS sufferer might take a dislike to the Quantas logo and book with Transnusa on an impulsive, emotional whim. He or she would dismiss the dangers and simply hope that the safety issues for which the Indonesian airline has been criticised would somehow be resolved before his or her flight.

The draft ICD-11 manual (International Classification of Diseases – Eleventh Revision) quotes the example of a person with Trump-Corbyn Syndrome snorkelling on a reef that contains angelfish and other such small, inoffensive creatures:

Such a swimmer might judge the reef to be boring and instead plan to snorkel in a location populated by hungry sharks and crocodiles. A person afflicted by TCS would see the new location as hugely more interesting but be deaf to warnings by others about the disadvantages of swimming there.

Both these examples illustrate the key characteristic of the condition. This relates to passionately pursuing whatever feels good in the present while applying no intelligent thought at all to future consequences.

‘The difficulty with TCS is that it’s a personality disorder,’ explained a representative of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists. ‘This means that the beliefs and attitudes involved are so integrated with the personal identities of sufferers that, firstly, they are unable to recognise that they’re ill, and, secondly, there are no effective treatments. Medication is ineffective in treating personality disorders,’ she continued, ‘and psychological interventions tend to have only limited effects in less severe cases.’

A consequence of the lack of insight of TCS sufferers is that their views are not influenced by objective facts. The focus of their passionate support can fail catastrophically and yet those afflicted with TCS remain unable to accept the obvious.

‘A good example of this occurs in relation to end-of-the-world cults,’ explained a representative of the American Psychiatric Association. ‘One might think that an end-of-the-world cult would disintegrate if the appointed day for the apocalypse passed without incident.

‘What has actually happened on many occasions, however, is that the faith of believers – all of whom could be diagnosed with TCS – has become strengthened by the experience. They find ways to reinterpret the new reality in the context of their delusions. A classic way to achieve this is to give thanks to their god, or whatever entity was due to destroy the world, for sparing them.’

There is no doubt among experts that exactly the same phenomenon would occur in relation to the supporters of Donald Trump in the US and those of Jeremy Corbyn in the UK if either were to gain power.

‘If Donald Trump was elected to US president,’ the APA representative continued, ‘and he impetuously started a nuclear war on the following Tuesday, his supporters – all of whom, by definition, experience some degree of TCS – would not blame him for poor judgement. They would, instead, blame Iceland – or whichever random country he had chosen to nuke – for provoking an attack by a totally reasonable and rational president.’

The representative of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists described a related scenario in a British context. ‘Suppose Jeremy Corbyn became the British Prime Minister,’ she began. ‘It’s pretty obvious to anyone who thinks about it that within twelve months the UK would have reverted to the political, economic and social chaos of the 1970s.

‘Supporters of Mr Corbyn would not blame him, however. His TCS afflicted followers would, in fact, have a pre-existing narrative to explain the carnage that they had brought upon the country – a narrative that did not implicate Mr Corbyn at all.

‘They would be likely to argue that the breakdown of British society had been an inevitable consequence of conflict between those who owned the means of production and the proletariat. Not one of them would grasp that simplistic Marxist ideology should never have been applied to the complex political, social and economic circumstances of the early twenty-first century.’

Donald Trump and Jeremy Corbyn appear to be at opposite ends of the political spectrum. In the context of the above, therefore, it is interesting that identical campaign slogans have been adopted by supporters of both – and that these slogans resonate with those in George Orwell’s book, 1984. ‘Inconvenient truths are lies’ shout supporters of both men at their rallies together with ‘If it feels true; it is true’.

The real catastrophe would occur, of course, if enough people became afflicted with TCS to result in someone who was potentially dangerous gaining significant political power.

For previous examples of the dire consequences of such a development, please consult any world history book that covers the early to mid-twentieth century.

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Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever


The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.

On Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness

I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.

If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)

Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
Chief of Neuro-surgery
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy)

Trump letters- Col SandersOn Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief

Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.

I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.

Colonel Harland Sanders
Deceased Commander-in-Chief
Kentucky Fried Chicken

Trump letters- Bernie MadoffOn the issue of disclosing Donald Trump’s tax returns

People are getting all bent out of shape over Mr. Trump’s tax returns. I say, what’s the big deal? I keep reading crazy claims like “He must be hiding something” and “He probably hasn’t paid taxes in 25 years” and “He seems to owe a lot to foreign governments like China and Russia.” All I have to say is, hey, can you believe the weather we’ve been having lately?

I’m sure Trump will eventually release his tax returns – sometime after his death. I’d vote for Trump in a heartbeat – if he’d just grant me parole so I could get back in the game like him.

Bernie Madoff
Former CEO
Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC
Currently Federal Prison Inmate #61727-054

Trump letters- Queen ElizabethOn Trump’s qualifications to fight for the working class

Hello, America. This is your rightful Queen here. My word, what is all this ruckus across the pond over this Trump fellow? I assure you, when it comes to defrauding, er, I mean defending you commoners, Donald Trump will do a smashing job. Recently, at a black-tie fundraising dinner for his newest exclusive Scottish golf resort, I saw Mr. Trump take several extra helpings of tiramisu from the dessert table to bring back for his chauffeur. Or was it his valet? He’s ever so thoughtful of people he knows are beneath him.

Mr. Trump has always surrounded himself with working class people. Who do you think he hires as maids at all his posh resorts? That’s right – his close Mexican friends – some of whom he’s been known to pay almost minimum wage. Mr. Trump will do everything in his power to defend the needs of the working class, so long as they are the part of the working class making over $800,000 a year.

Queen Elizabeth II
Queen of the United Kingdom and Head of the British Commonwealth of Nations

Trump letters- Miss UniverseOn Trump’s special relationship with women

I don’t know why some people say Donald Trump is a mysoganost – oh, I can never pronounce that fancy word. He loves the ladies, especially us pretty girls with nice curves. I met Mr. Trump when he hosted the 2012 Miss Universe pageant. Such a gentleman. He took me out to dinner after I was crowned and even offered to show me his private hotel suite – until he realized Mrs. Trump might be there, that is.

Girls, if you don’t like Mr. Trump, then you don’t know him like I do. As long as you have less than 5% body fat, are beautiful, and not too smart, he’ll take good care of you. I love the diamond bracelet he bought me. I told him he shouldn’t have. He said, “Don’t worry, babe, I just used money given by a Trump Foundation donor. They won’t miss it.” See, he’s so smart. I would vote for him even if he wasn’t subsidizing the rent on my Manhattan high-rise.

Olivia Culpo
Miss Universe 2012

In coming days, the Trump campaign plans to release letters from several more experts, including testimonials from naval military expert Captain Crunch and international relations expert Count Chocula. They plan to release a glowing testimonial from an African American supporter, just as soon as they can locate one.

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Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM


Tim - Tim KaineHello. Tim Jones here. This presidential election year is historic in several ways. It is the first time in US history that:

• a woman has been nominated by a major political party as their presidential candidate
• a major political party has selected a narcissistic, bullying, sociopath as their standard bearer Read the full story

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BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump


[Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website Glossy News, in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview].

Trump interview - one on one - GNTim Jones / Glossy News: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

Glossy News: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet – Read the full story

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Rio 2016 Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent Countries


The international community is trying to come to terms with the shock revelation that some countries with which other nations have links simply do not exist.

Two hundred and seven countries were represented at the opening ceremony of Rio 2016, and it is now clear that at least eight had been invented. Read the full story

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Trump University Fall 2016 Courses


The Trump University Promise

At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump Read the full story

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Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter


[Author’s Note: Glossy News’ Tim Jones was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. He asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

Glossy News: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: My pleasure. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

GN: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

GN: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups?

Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

GN: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

GN: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

GN: So you really don’t want to be president?

Trump: In my worst nightmares! Why else do you think I said John McCain wasn’t a real war hero? Why on earth would I say Mexicans are rapists or refuse to disavow a notorious racist like David Duke? I’ve done everything I can to lose this election. Nothing seems to work. I was sure my comment in the debates about the size of my penis would end my chances then and there, but nope. People loved it. Especially women. Go figure.

GN: So, help me understand, Mr. Trump. If you don’t want to be our next president, why on earth are you running?

Trump: It’s all about the brand. If you think the Trump brand was big before, that’s nothing compared to my brand now. Mine is the most famous name on the planet. I’m YUUUGE! The media can’t get enough of me. No matter what I say, I keep attracting more followers. Can I tell you about Trump University?

GN: Maybe another time. So it’s all about the Trump brand. Nothing else?

Trump: Bingo. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Where else could I make billions of dollars simply by running for President and posting tweets from my hotel room. Nobody is better at marketing than Donald J. Trump. But to your point, nobody wants Hillary to win more than I do. Trust me. Here, have a baseball cap.

GN: Thank you again, but really, I’m good. And speaking of your Make America Great Again caps, aren’t they made in China?

Trump: Yes. To be more specific, in child-labor sweat shops. You’d think people would get upset about that, but they just don’t seem to care. They tell me “Way to go, Donald, for helping all those poor kids find jobs.”

GN: So what else are you trying to ensure you lose the election?

Trump: I’m constantly brainstorming with my senior campaign staff to conceive even more offensive statements to tank my campaign.

GN: Mind sharing a few?

Trump: Sure. Last week, we came up with what I thought was a brlliant idea. I tweeted out, “Ronald Reagan was a closet homosexual.” I figured it would outrage lifelong Republicans.

GN: Wow! Did it help?

Trump - losing the election - Finger pointingTrump: Nope. My poll numbers went up four percentage points. One person tweeted, and I quote, “I find Mr. Trump’s comments about our greatest president deeply disturbing. And yet, I find his words oddly appealing and heartfelt.”

GN: That must keep you up at night.

Trump: Tell me about it. A few days later, I tweeted, “Teenage girls are super-hot. If elected, I’ll make it legal to have sex with girls under 18.”

GN: Ouch. Pretty offensive, that’s for sure. What happened?

Trump: On the bright side, my support among women dropped by two percent. But my support from white men over 30 surged by 12%. I can’t win. I mean, I can’t lose – no matter how hard I try.

GN: So are you concerned you might actually win?

Trump: I’m starting to be, yes. I’ve worked extremely hard to attain the worst approval ratings of any presidential candidate in history. I currently have an unheard of 70% unfavorable rating! And yet, yesterday, in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, who is Jewish by the way, I said “I love the Jews. Love their matzah bread. But why are all of you such cheap tightwads?”

VFTB: Okay, I’ll bite. What happened?

Trump: My approval ratings among Jewish voters went up five points.

VFTB: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an uncle who is really tight with his money.”

GN: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an aunt who is really tight with her money. And would it hurt her to get a nose job? She sure has the money.”

GN: So what are you going to do about it?

Trump: Clearly I need to up my game. I’m working on a tweet for tomorrow about how we should allow any kid over the age of seven to carry an assault weapon to school for protection. That should send the gun control wing nuts over the edge. I also plan to announce next week that I’ve narrowed down my list of possible VP candidates to Pee Wee Herman and Charlie Sheen. If that doesn’t work, my Hail Mary fallback plan is to tweet that Jesus was the Antichrist.

GN: That’s highly offensive. Good luck with that. But I have to ask, Mr. Trump, given that no matter how outrageous your remark, it doesn’t seem to hurt your poll numbers, have you thought about what you’ll do if you actually win the election next November?

Trump: God forbid I’m elected, I would immediately move to impeach myself.

GN: On what grounds?

Trump: I was thinking of having three-way sex in the Oval Office with Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin and posting a live feed of it and breaking into an episode of Sesame Street.

GN: Good luck with that. Thank you for your time.

Trump: It was my pleasure. Make America Great Again. Wanna have a hat?

GN: Um, sure. Why not. Thank you.

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BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America


(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his vocal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.

The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”

Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”

Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”

The Dow Jones plummeted more than 9,000 points in the opening 20 minutes of trading after the news. In more bad news for the economy, the U.S. dollar lost 35% of its value by the end of trading, causing a panic among investors. Many financial experts believe a deep economic depression on par with the 1929 crash is inevitable. On the positive side, Mr. Trump argued that this was actually great news for the country, saying, “Why is everybody freaking out? This will be incredible for tourism. People from Europe and even CHINA will visit our country and buy a lot more stuff and spend tons of money at Trump hotels and resorts, now that everything is so cheap for them.”

It’s unclear exactly what drove the sudden push to exit North America. When asked why they voted to secede, pro-AMEXITers gave a variety of vague responses often supported by confusing reasoning. Ned Moronovitch of Biloxi, Mississippi explained, “I want my country back. I’m sick and tired of having to do whatever North America tells us to do. I’ve had enough!” When it was pointed out that the continent of North America doesn’t actually have any control over the decisions of the United States, Moronovitch replied, “You sound like a communist. Are you a commie?”

AMEXIT - Trump rallyAnother AMEXIT supporter, Darlene Lemming, of Murfreesboro, Arkansas, passionately defended her vote, saying, “I refuse to sit here and just let any old Mexican, Guatemalan or Canadian walk across my border to take my job – without even having to show a passport.” When it was explained to her that they can’t actually do that, and that it’s not like the open borders of the European Union, Ms. Lemming replied, “Oh yeah? Well that’s not what my cousin Buford says. He says the Mexican murderers are taking over our country so we have to stop that.”

Still another AMEXIT supporter, Jeb Haitemahl, from Spartanburg, South Carolina, argued forcefully that this move was long overdue: “It’s about time. Let’s make the USA great again.” When pressed for details as to how this would make the USA great, Haitemahl simply said, “Well, I heard that Hillary was a North American, so now she can’t run for president – which is great by me! I sure hope we build that wall on our northern and western borders too!”

An interesting perspective on a reason to back the LEAVE vote came from Bert Nottaclew, of Nome, Alaska, who said, “I’m sick of having to be stuck up here in snowy, cold North America. I can’t wait for this great country to get outta Dodge and move some place warmer. Do you think they might move the country to the Caribbean? That would be fricken’ awesome!”

The domestic and global implications of the separation are as yet unclear. For example, experts are debating whether this vote might create the long-sought opportunity to finally kick out Texas. It is anticipated that the North American withdrawal process will create scores of logistical headaches as government agencies scramble to figure out exactly what this decision means.

Senior administration officials express concern that there are no provisions in federal statutes, case law or the Constitution itself to provide guidance as to how to leave a continent. In more hopeful news, Donald Trump has indicated that he knows exactly how to do it and has an amazing plan, promising that the resulting new nation will be a YUGE improvement. But so far details of his plan have not been released.

Shortly after the decision to exit North America, Google announced that the top two internet searches in the first 24 hours after the vote were “What is North America?” and “Am I an idiot?”

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