MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Read the full story

Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Read the full story

GMA NEW YORK —GlossyNews “We stood up and didn’t back away. We told everyone, ‘We’re In It to Win It,’ and we didn’t back down. Really, we didn’t back down,” former Senator Rick Santorum said. No one was standing next to him as he spoke at this televised pre-announcement press conference to announce his decision to have a presidential campaign kick-off press conference. Read the full story

In an effort to keep tabs on the rising number of misbehaving male Senators in Washington, the Senate Appropriations Committee has put aside $60,000 to revamp a vacant office in the Senate Building, turning it into a boom-boom room.

The “Fun Pit” is being designed by noted 70’s interior designer, Ernesto Ball, who is best known for his far out designs using vivid colors, shag carpeting and lots and lots of lava lamps. Read the full story

NEW YORK, NY—Comedians and “Fake News” Correspondents across the nation have been unable to produce any suitable material to satirize Tennessee’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill that advanced in the state’s Senate last month.

“It’s like they created the bill just to f**k with us,” one editor from The Onion told reporters, “I mean, we can’t think of anything more absurd than the proposed law itself. Read the full story

Montpelier, VERMONT—Governor Peter Shumlin signed into law yesterday an Arizona-style bill to stop the immigration of know-it-all writers who are overcrowding the state’s MFA programs and forcing the state to create even more jobs that the writers are sure to be overqualified for once they realize no one wants to read their screenplay. Read the full story

ISLAMABAD – [Glossy News] – The recent demise of Osama Bin Laden has left a vacuum at the heart of Al Qaeda, the world’s foremost terrorist organization.

There is no shortage of ambitious would-be Public Enemy Number One’s to fill the void however, and they are currently jostling for position in what has been dubbed the “Race to the Shite House.” Read the full story

Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.

Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. Read the full story

WASHINGTON DC—In an effort to prove that decreasing the U.S. deficit will require shared sacrifices, President Obama announced on Tuesday that he will eliminate aioli spreads from the White House Menu.

“Let me be clear. We are not limiting these cuts to the traditional Garlic aioli,” the President told a group of reporters at the White House on Tuesday afternoon, “No. We’re cutting all kinds of aioli—Chipotle, Basil, Dill, Tarragon, even Mint, despite the fact that it goes so well over the Braised Lamb Shanks with Thyme.” Read the full story

Asheville, North Carolina (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

In his latest bid to pump up the economy before the 2012 election, President Obama introduced a new program, “Bucks for Burn Downs,” that will pay financially troubled homeowners to burn down their own homes. Read the full story

NEW YORK, NY —Glossy News Dumpster diving in New York City the other day brought up this quite wrinkled but interesting tidbit – a résumé cover letter to:
Top Mama Grizzly A. Huffington; cc: T. Armstrong — AOL
From: First Mama Grizzly S. Palin®
Re: Senior Executive Vice President position for AOL Mama Grizzlies Read the full story

Burning Candles, Arizona (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

Former GOP presidential candidate John McCain will launch another bid for the White House in 2044, and is “firmly committed to running a vigorous, full-steam ahead” campaign.

After careful study and extensive polling, McCain strategists concluded that “waiting a few more election cycles” offers the best opportunity to present McCain to voters as a “newer, fresher candidate.”

“We see no reason to jump in immediately,” said a senior McCain campaign manager. “There’s plenty of time to do this right.”

Political analysts were divided over the move, with a top Republican pollster hailing it as “brilliant long-term thinking” but other Washington insiders expressing skepticism.

“It’s almost certain that none of the country’s problems will be solved by 2044,” the GOP pollster noted, “so McCain’s timing seems perfect.”

“There’s an obvious flaw in their thinking and that’s fund raising,” countered one political analyst. “With even moderate rates of inflation, you’re talking about having to raise enormous sums of money by then.”

Sources close to the campaign also confirmed that current presidential hopeful Sarah Palin would likely be McCain’s Vice Presidential pick again. “We think if she continues to study foreign policy, she could be ready by 2044,” said the campaign source.

Palin was unavailable for comment due to a hunting trip with former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Read the full story

An unlikely partnership has formed between some very conservative-thinking patriots and a group of stoners who could care less about any politics unless, of course, they involve the legalization of marijuana.

How it happened, no one is really certain, but the ability to undo what has been done may be harder than anyone anticipated due to the fact that there is a rather large sum of money hanging in the balance. Read the full story

Much to the delight of his listening audience, crow connoisseur, Rush Limbaugh has claimed that Arizona shooter, Jared Lee Loughner is not insane, but psychic.

“It’s true,” the egg-splattered Limbaugh proclaimed Wednesday, while doing a mind-bending radio segment about repealing the Job-killing Obamacare Plan for Dirty Illegal Mexicans and Other Parasites. Read the full story