Posted on 19 January 2014.
Fullerton, Orange County, CA – Fullerton resident and lifelong pacifist Dylan Donovan today announced that he has finally caved in to environmental pressures by joining the NRA and buying an Uzi sub-machine gun. Speaking from his home in downtown Fullerton, Donovan told reporters:
“I’ve always been against violence in any shape or form. I’ve also believed in the rights of any individual – regardless of race, sexual orientation or gender – to live a life unimpeded by violence of any description. It breaks my heart to say it, but I just don’t feel safe anymore.” Read the full story
Posted in Crooked Cops, Top Stories
Posted on 22 October 2013.
LOS ANGELES, CA – An investigation has begun into allegations that members of the fashion police have deliberately set out to target blacks during routine fashion exposes and before-and-after shots.
The announcement comes after 2,000,000 eye-witnesses reported seeing singer Beyonce attacked inside the pages of several high profile magazines earlier this month, when dozens of “highly unflattering” images of the pregnant star were allegedly exposed by fashion police. Read the full story
Posted in Crime, Society
Posted on 17 September 2013.
Decades of watching the FOX hit series COPS has taught me some wonderful life lessons. Specifically, it’s taught me how to spot and avoid drug addicts.
The following observations don’t come from a single episode, but countless episodes spanning the decades since it first aired. Though in fairness, you can likely find all these lessons in any single episode. Read the full story
Posted in Top Stories
Posted on 16 March 2013.
A WOMAN has been arrested after she became ‘ninja-like’ and ‘overly mysterious’ while making dinner to the Batman soundtrack.
Emergency services received a distress call from a very panicked husband at a home in suburban Seattle at around 5:45pm yesterday saying that his wife was going ‘crazy’ whispering with intent “I am Housemom” and chopping vegetables in an aggressive manner. Read the full story
Posted in Crime, Strange People
Posted on 14 February 2013.
Local police and federal authorities are on high alert after a Purcellville, VA man was caught sneaking an extra cookie from his parents’ cookie jar.
Dom Fall, 46, is believed to have made an approach on the cookie jar at around 11pm on Monday night, when his mother and father were fast asleep.
Fall proceeded to snatch at the largest chocolate chip cookie before he was spotted by local kitchen watcher Bob Priscilla, who screamed obsessively and scared the culprit out a nearby window. Read the full story
Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment
Posted on 13 December 2012.
The Chicago Supreme Court has struck down a plea from attorneys hoping to ban citizens from filming police officers in public because being on camera is making many unphotogenic cops feel really uncomfortable.
The decision came after judges decided that the filming of police by citizens was protected under the first amendment, regardless of whether or not those in uniform were self-conscious about their physical appearance. Read the full story
Posted in Society
Posted on 02 November 2012.
Police have issued a statement confirming the arrest of a crystal ball reader in California.
Known only as Mystic Mary Star Moon Shine Peters, the crystal ball reader was believed to have been arrested on charges of ‘false prediction’.
Mystic Mary is thought to have been practicing the gift of psychic powers for more then 9 years, Glossy News spoke exclusively to one of her many regular clients: Read the full story
Posted in Horoscopes
Posted on 10 September 2012.
Goldman Sachs, the Wall Street investment firm that profited heavily from the world-wide collapse in subprime mortgage bonds, has announced that it will participate in a bold new experiment to apply the principles of greed and the profit motive to the problem of preventing young ex-cons from returning to prison in New York City.
“New York City is continually seeking innovative new ways to tackle the most entrenched problems, and helping young people who land in jail stay out of trouble when they return home is one of the most difficult — and important — challenges we face,” said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Read the full story
Posted in Biz News, Crime
Posted on 30 August 2012.
New York police were left red-faced after Superman did not turn up to save the day.
When responding to what seemed a routine bank alarm call out, three police cars pulled up outside Steel Cheques Bank to find a real armed robbery taking place.
Rather then risk their lives for the money of fat business men, the police decided to wait it out in their cars until Superman arrived to help them tackle the thieves. Read the full story
Posted in Crime
Posted on 21 July 2012.
A terrifying new criminal is on the loose and officials appear powerless to stop him. In a small town in the UK an elderly gentleman was thrown to his knees and robbed of his newspaper that he had only just purchased. Battered and shaken he shared his shocking ordeal. Read the full story
Posted in Crime
Posted on 26 February 2012.
LOS ANGELES, California – A police manhunt is underway in Los Angeles after a man was fatally shot during the 29th annual Mime Convention in the city convention center. Reports say that the shooting happened during the Convention’s final performance, after the victim allegedly had a loud coughing fit.
In a press conference outside of the Los Angeles Convention Center, police sergeant Betsy Smith summarized the crime. Read the full story
Posted in Crime
Posted on 30 July 2011.
Rufus Simpson of Pascagoula, Mississippi was released from jail early Saturday morning after spending the night locked up on charges of internet porn posting.
His accuser, Shirley Remquist of nearby Moss Point claims that she opened her Facebook page Friday evening to find that a post from Rufus had made it onto one of her friend’s pages which read “Darlene, honey, you knows I is the number one master baiter in yore life.” Read the full story
Posted in Human Interest
Posted on 20 November 2010.
TAMPA, Fla. (Glossy News) — A Florida woman on her way to visit her boyfriend had an accident on busy US Highway 1 today. Investigating officers say the accident occurred while the driver was temporarily distracted giving herself a bikini cut. Witnesses say she was driving at speeds of up to 65 mph. The driver who was rear-ended in the mishap was not injured. Paramedics discharged him on the scene. Read the full story
Posted in Human Interest, Strange People
Posted on 02 November 2010.
DALLAS, Texas (Glossy News) — Lifelong Dallas resident, 82-year-old Opal Katz, was walking down busy Reynolds Street, struggling to drag two large plastic garbage bags behind her, when one of the bags ripped and began spilling new $20 bills onto the sidewalk.
Dallas Police Officer Melvis C. Parsons noticed the bills pouring from Ms. Katz’s bag and stopped writing a parking citation in order to help the elderly lady. Read the full story
Posted in Crime, Strange People
Posted on 07 October 2010.
NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania (BNSE) — State and local law enforcement agencies were placed on high alert today as thousands of idiot nephews began massing around the state in the wake of massive layoffs from state agencies and local businesses due to severe budget cutbacks as a result of the slow economy.
“Oh, dear God… Dear God… This is bad… I mean real bad,” said an official spokesman for the Governor’s office before he broke down in tears. “We never thought it would come to this. None of us did. I mean, it was my mother, you know. She puts me on the spot right at Thanksgiving dinner about why I can’t get Willie a job. I just wanted to eat some turkey, dammit, and now Willie’s not penned up for eight hours a day at the DMV and I can’t reach my wife on the cell phone!.” Read the full story
Posted in Politics, Society
Posted on 06 May 2010.
Chicago, IL – For the third time in as many days, Chicago Police Department forensic analyst Ted Hatcher confessed to being unable to magically extract high definition pictures from damaged, out-of-focus, and low resolution images. Hatcher’s failure was met with disbelief and disappointment by police detectives and crime scene investigators standing around him in his unreasonably dark forensics lab. Read the full story
Posted in Crime, Technology