Tag Archive | "police"

Local Police New Alpha Codes Fluster Criminals, Officers


Auburn police have found a new way to keep criminals from understanding their scanner chatter for ill, but unfortunately, not one of them has yet figured out how to use it for good.

The new alpha call signs, dubbed Cool Island Breeze, has proved to be anything but cool.

The alphabet, relying heavily on words starting with sounds other than those represented by their first letters, has faced dire criticism from patrolmen in the department. Read the full story

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Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution


In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.

Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional…

Because the Reps have unfairly loaded the Supreme Court with partisan judges, thus rendering the latter illegitimate and undemocratic…

And worst of all, excessively right-leaning.

Pelosi is concerned that police have been using unkind language which misrecognises and hurts the feelings of the US citizens who in earlier and more barbaric ages, (e.g. Neoliberalithic Antiquity, a few decades B.O.E/Before Obamic Era), were called “criminals.”

Obviously, the latter is the first word mentioned in the document which is now forbidden to use. Instead, police must speak of “people associated with an illegal action.”

Admittedly, there was a considerable degree of debate over whether “illegal action” was not also unduly disparaging, as “illegal” is a highly emotive term.

Still, given the constraints on Senator Pelosi’s time, including the time she had to devote to balancing her various modes of participation in the Heterosexual, Catholic, Liberal-Corporatist, Italian-American, and Political Celebrity lifestyles, there was no time to think of a better term.

Still, Pelosi helpfully reassured us:

“I have to pass the bill first; wait for me to pass it, then we all can see what is in it.

“Well, it worked for the Affordable Health Care Act, didn’t it? Who’s calling it unaffordable by now?”

Some other choice cuts include:

“Bank robbery” implies that someone is violent and may cause harm to others. Refer instead to an “unanticipated cash withdrawal.”

“Breaking and entering” implies that someone has a somehow presumptuous and imposing character. Instead, say “unexpected domestic visit, church attendance or work shift, etc.”

“Domestic violence” is a judgmental and misandrist term; police must only speak of “illicit spousal chastisement.”

One solid god-fearing Republican™ “gently advised” Pelosi to call the latter a “somewhat excessive act of marital discipline” instead, but the writ of execution Pelosi served on him (or whatever I should call that document) said that the latter was a little too misogynistic in comparison to her pet term.

“White-collar fraud,” a divisive and racially insensitive term, is now to be called “financial transaction miscommunication.”

“Rioting” is now called “not-fully-pacific act of concrete political activism.”

“Murder” is “misplaced killing.”

“Attempted murder” implies that the person in question is somehow malicious and dangerous; so now we must speak of “unsuccessful effort to conduct a misplaced killing.”

Please note, as well, that “conduct” is a more value-neutral term than “commit.”

Vandalism is now to be called “surplus damage to the surrounding civic environment.”

Also, if someone is physically assaulted on the grounds of a presumed identity, this is no longer a “hate crime,” because as your parents or teachers used to tell you, “hate is a very strong word.” Now we have to speak of “dislike crimes.” This will be more convenient for Facebook users and Pelosi’s social media lobbyists.

Actually, no-one is convicted or acquitted of crimes anymore, either. Instead, there is a “successful attribution of illegal action” (for Republicans) or even an “unsuccessful attribution” (if you are sufficiently social).

Pelosi did, however, make a principled liberal stand against calls from some previously omnipresent and achingly conspicuous small-government Republicans (who have now inexplicably dropped off the radar, along with their entire families) for new terms to fit previously unrecognised crimes…

Such as “inadequate degree of marital submission,” “exuding an excessively homosexual attitude,” or “promoting, condoning, or even provisionally entertaining insufficiently-approved-of agendas.”

Finally, there is no more right to appeal; firstly, because calling it a “right” implies that the question of whether you are entitled to it or not might be considered insulting, as it raises a doubt as to whether the entitlement might conceivably be deemed potentially illegitimate in the first place.

And secondly, “appeal” is infantilising, sexist, and ageist, because it sounds like you are the tearful widow pleading with the indifferent judge in the Bible, instead of with a progressive and humane liberal establishment.

So, instead, if you get hauled up before the judge, you have to go with the original decision; with no “right of appeal.” This is fortunate, as Pelosi is now musing on the small matter of how to ensure that the judges will always make the correct decisions in the first place.

This is quite an important matter; given that the next progressive senatorial decree will contain a framework for ensuring absolute and unconditional accountability, public spirit, and conformity to the Greater Good, the Public Interest and Our Common Humanity (Yow! TM failage!)…

Especially among unsocial businesspersons, conservative religious leaders, right-leaning educators and journalists, and backward Republican politicians. Before long, hateful and divisive right-wing politics will be no more…

Nor, in all probability, will hateful and divisive right-wingers be permitted to exist.

President Obama, however, is horrified at Pelosi’s unilateral action. He is furious at these presumptuous and unwarranted measures.

“Shit! That’s totally arbitrary and uncalled for!

“I mean, why should she have been the one to do this? Like, why didn’t I think of all this a few years ago? I mean, if I’d done that, I could’ve secured my seat on the Throne of Allah… I mean, the Throne of God…

“The Christian God, I mean… sorry, teleprompter fail.. my seat in the Oval Office, for decades to come!

“I mean, so far, I’ve only managed to bring Change; like, if I’d been given 30 or 40 years more to accomplish what Pelosi has done in this short time (she’s disappeared even more inconvenient nuisances than Hillary has!)…

“Well, in a few short decades, I’m sure I could have finally nailed all this Hope crap too!”

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Fullerton Pacifist Joins NRA – Buys Uzi


Fullerton, Orange County, CA – Fullerton resident and lifelong pacifist Dylan Donovan today announced that he has finally caved in to environmental pressures by joining the NRA and buying an Uzi sub-machine gun. Speaking from his home in downtown Fullerton, Donovan told reporters:

“I’ve always been against violence in any shape or form. I’ve also believed in the rights of any individual – regardless of race, sexual orientation or gender – to live a life unimpeded by violence of any description. It breaks my heart to say it, but I just don’t feel safe anymore.” Read the full story

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Top StoriesComments (3)

Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks


LOS ANGELES, CA – An investigation has begun into allegations that members of the fashion police have deliberately set out to target blacks during routine fashion exposes and before-and-after shots.

The announcement comes after 2,000,000 eye-witnesses reported seeing singer Beyonce attacked inside the pages of several high profile magazines earlier this month, when dozens of “highly unflattering” images of the pregnant star were allegedly exposed by fashion police. Read the full story

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Four Lessons Learned from Decades Watching COPS


Decades of watching the FOX hit series COPS has taught me some wonderful life lessons. Specifically, it’s taught me how to spot and avoid drug addicts.

The following observations don’t come from a single episode, but countless episodes spanning the decades since it first aired. Though in fairness, you can likely find all these lessons in any single episode. Read the full story

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Housewife becomes Batman-like


A WOMAN has been arrested after she became ‘ninja-like’ and ‘overly mysterious’ while making dinner to the Batman soundtrack.

Emergency services received a distress call from a very panicked husband at a home in suburban Seattle at around 5:45pm yesterday saying that his wife was going ‘crazy’ whispering with intent “I am Housemom” and chopping vegetables in an aggressive manner. Read the full story

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Scandal: Man Sneaks Extra Cookie From Jar


Local police and federal authorities are on high alert after a Purcellville, VA man was caught sneaking an extra cookie from his parents’ cookie jar.

Dom Fall, 46, is believed to have made an approach on the cookie jar at around 11pm on Monday night, when his mother and father were fast asleep.

Fall proceeded to snatch at the largest chocolate chip cookie before he was spotted by local kitchen watcher Bob Priscilla, who screamed obsessively and scared the culprit out a nearby window. Read the full story

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Unphotogenic Cops Pushing ‘No Filming Police’ Legislation


The Chicago Supreme Court has struck down a plea from attorneys hoping to ban citizens from filming police officers in public because being on camera is making many unphotogenic cops feel really uncomfortable.

The decision came after judges decided that the filming of police by citizens was protected under the first amendment, regardless of whether or not those in uniform were self-conscious about their physical appearance. Read the full story

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Psychic Doesn’t See Police Coming


Police have issued a statement confirming the arrest of a crystal ball reader in California.

Known only as Mystic Mary Star Moon Shine Peters, the crystal ball reader was believed to have been arrested on charges of ‘false prediction’.

Mystic Mary is thought to have been practicing the gift of psychic powers for more then 9 years, Glossy News spoke exclusively to one of her many regular clients: Read the full story

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Goldman Sachs to Make Money from Young Convicts


Goldman Sachs, the Wall Street investment firm that profited heavily from the world-wide collapse in subprime mortgage bonds, has announced that it will participate in a bold new experiment to apply the principles of greed and the profit motive to the problem of preventing young ex-cons from returning to prison in New York City.

“New York City is continually seeking innovative new ways to tackle the most entrenched problems, and helping young people who land in jail stay out of trouble when they return home is one of the most difficult — and important — challenges we face,” said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Read the full story

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Superman Fails to Stop Bank Robbery Due to Not Being Real


New York police were left red-faced after Superman did not turn up to save the day.

When responding to what seemed a routine bank alarm call out, three police cars pulled up outside Steel Cheques Bank to find a real armed robbery taking place.

Rather then risk their lives for the money of fat business men, the police decided to wait it out in their cars until Superman arrived to help them tackle the thieves. Read the full story

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Shocking Crime Wave Blows Across Nation


A terrifying new criminal is on the loose and officials appear powerless to stop him. In a small town in the UK an elderly gentleman was thrown to his knees and robbed of his newspaper that he had only just purchased. Battered and shaken he shared his shocking ordeal. Read the full story

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Man Murdered at Mime Convention for Coughing, Suspect at Large


LOS ANGELES, California – A police manhunt is underway in Los Angeles after a man was fatally shot during the 29th annual Mime Convention in the city convention center. Reports say that the shooting happened during the Convention’s final performance, after the victim allegedly had a loud coughing fit.

In a press conference outside of the Los Angeles Convention Center, police sergeant Betsy Smith summarized the crime. Read the full story

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Man Released from Jail after Erroneous Arrest for Internet Porn Post


Rufus Simpson of Pascagoula, Mississippi was released from jail early Saturday morning after spending the night locked up on charges of internet porn posting.

His accuser, Shirley Remquist of nearby Moss Point claims that she opened her Facebook page Friday evening to find that a post from Rufus had made it onto one of her friend’s pages which read “Darlene, honey, you knows I is the number one master baiter in yore life.” Read the full story

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Driver Shaving Bikini Line Charged with “Unfortunate Accident”


TAMPA, Fla. (Glossy News) — A Florida woman on her way to visit her boyfriend had an accident on busy US Highway 1 today. Investigating officers say the accident occurred while the driver was temporarily distracted giving herself a bikini cut. Witnesses say she was driving at speeds of up to 65 mph. The driver who was rear-ended in the mishap was not injured. Paramedics discharged him on the scene. Read the full story

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After Arresting Thief, Officer in Custody for Dismembering Football Fans


DALLAS, Texas (Glossy News) — Lifelong Dallas resident, 82-year-old Opal Katz, was walking down busy Reynolds Street, struggling to drag two large plastic garbage bags behind her, when one of the bags ripped and began spilling new $20 bills onto the sidewalk.

Dallas Police Officer Melvis C. Parsons noticed the bills pouring from Ms. Katz’s bag and stopped writing a parking citation in order to help the elderly lady. Read the full story

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