Tag Archive | "Michigan"

Week 11: Texas A&M falls. Clemson, Alabama, Michigan Rise


The AP Polls are an interesting concept. Think about the fact that Nebraska lost to Ohio State on Saturday Evening. Yet, when the polls came out, the Buckeyes hadn’t moved (Number 6). What does that tell you? It definitely says more than the college football championship lines.

Of course, one might wonder whether any of this even really matters. Because of their performance, or lack thereof, against Ohio state, Nebraska fell 12 spots in the college football rankings. Read the full story

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Clinton, Sanders Point Fingers Over Lousy Park Job


FLINT, MI – Following a heated debate Sunday evening in which Senator Bernie Sanders and former First Lady Hillary Clinton took opposite sides on a number of pressing issues, the pair got into another argument on Monday afternoon over a much less serious issue. While following the Democratic Code of Conduct in which the pair has agreed to carpool on the debate trail, both Presidential hopefuls were again at odds, this time over who was responsible for a terrible park job in a residential shopping mall.

“When you’re white, you don’t know what it’s like to be living in a ghetto,” Sanders responded when accused of parking the tiny, two-door black Acura in four spots at once by an enraged Clinton who pointed her finger upwards at the taller 5’8” Sanders. “Again, you have settled on a poor choice of words. I have never driven a car to the best of my knowledge,” an insistent Clinton fired back, while holding a set of car keys in her right hand.

The Flint debate was the first since the South Carolina primary, when Mrs. Clinton began to open up a commanding lead over Mr. Sanders in the race for the 2,383 delegates needed to clinch the Democratic nomination. On Sunday night, she sought to protect her edge with African-Americans, who have helped her more than any other constituency.

It is no secret that Sanders feels the nomination is slipping away and may have planned the bad park job in an effort to sabotage his competitor in the race to the White House. However, this could not be confirmed as shortly after the argument Clinton and Sanders joined forces for a haircut at the local Great Clips prior to their next stop in Detroit. Fortunately for the duo, Flint is currently experiencing a water pollution crisis and the only witness to the mispark was It’s A Cat, Just So You Know, Entertainment’s Reporter, Alfredo Loafcia, who was in town investigating an Oprah Winfrey sighting at the local Olive Garden.

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Til Death Hairdo Us Part: Trump’s Hair Speaks at Condom Conference


Warren, Michigan – Donald Trump’s body may no longer be a living entity, but his hair, a combination of locks, tresses and curls, continues to carry on the great legacy of the man who will forever be known as the front-runner of the 2016 presidential election until he succumbed to death in a game of Battleship against Nancy Pelosi last week. Trump’s hair most recently spoke at the Chris Christie Condom Conference held on Friday afternoon that was sponsored by Republican Chris Christie’s presidential campaign. Trump and Christie, competitors in the upcoming election, remained close friends and were together at the time of his passing.

“Donald was always a fan of safe sex,” Trump’s hair stated as it magically floated like a butterfly on the stage at the popular Riverside Theater on Elm Street. Regarded as “Mr. Trump,” the hair has continued to run business as usual, following in the footsteps of its longtime host and owner. “He had the same answer for ISIS as he did for keeping sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) at bay. Put a highly durable latex coating over it,” Mr. Trump added, while pointing to a poster on the wall behind him containing the fifty shades of great condoms. Read the full story

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Grandma Foils Would-Be Carjacker with Bag of Doggie Doo


Cecelia (Cece) Hudson is being hailed as one tough grandma this morning after reports of an attempted hijacking of her precious 1994 Honda Accord met with dismal failure. Due to her quick thinking and a conveniently placed bag of fresh doggie doo on her front passenger seat, Hudson was able to debilitate the would-be robber until authorities arrived to arrest him for grand theft auto. Read the full story

Posted in CrimeComments (1)

Secret Manifesto Found Jammed In Michigan Capitol Front Door


The following was found jammed in the Michigan State Capitol Building front door by a janitor arriving early for work on Monday:

MANIFESTO FOR THE LIBERATION OF THE UPPER PENINSULA FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND RETURNING IT TO ITS PROPER PLACE AS AN APPENDAGE OF WISCONSIN.

Let this document stand as a statement of intent by the Wisconsin Underground Saboteur Society For the Insurrection and Eventual Setting Free of The UP (W.U.S.S.I.E.S.) to liberate the so named Upper Peninsula from years of subjugation by the repressive forces of the state of Michigan. Read the full story

Posted in Human InterestComments (6)

Jesus: “I Need a Militia Like I Need an A-hole on My Elbow”


ALANSON, Mich. (Glossy News) — When news reached Heaven that a Midwestern militia was discovered training Jesus on handling the upcoming rapture, the Son of God laughed and exclaimed, “I need a militia to help me like I need an asshole on my elbow. And If I needed an asshole on my elbow, we’d all have one.”

According to a popular book that is available at every bookstore in the U.S., unless the store has XXX over the doorway, Jesus has the backing of the most powerful being in the Universe, who actually invented men. Read the full story

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Gun & Beer Sales Up, Foreclosures Down in Michigan


MIDDLE AMERICA, USA (GlossyNews) — Folks facing financial ruin in Michigan have finally come up with a solution to losing their homes to banks through the foreclosure process. They are taking their unemployment checks and purchasing rifles to fend off anyone looking to evict them from the homes they’ve worked so hard over the years to buy. They’re also buying beer necessary to keep their bravado up as they attempt to stave off those who are hell bent on taking what’s left of their dignity. Read the full story

Posted in Biz News, Human InterestComments (3)

Detroit Dismantled And Moved To Chicago


What is left of the city of Detroit was dismantled and shipped to Illinois this week. The Motor City, long beset by declines in the automotive industry and general economy, has given up the ghost as a separate city entity and will be rebuilt as a new suburb of Chicago called ‘Floyd’. The once proud Midwestern City that saw its heyday as the center of American automotive might has long languished from the onslaught of foreign cars that are smaller, more compact and reasonably priced, much like the foreigners themselves.

The whole endeavor is a slap in the face to the remaining Detroitonians. Read the full story

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Hoekstra Sets Preemptive 2010 Yemeni Strike


Lansing, MI – Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.) publicly stated his plans for the Michigan National Guard if he wins election as Governor in 2010: “I’ll lead a preemptive strike to Yemen. I’ve been leading on national security for the last nine years in Congress. Trying to drive this administration in a policy direction that keeps America safe. Obama hasn’t shown interest in my concerns here, so I intend to strike with the reconstituted Michigan National Guard in Yemen.” stated Hoekstra with a satisfied grin. Read the full story

Posted in War ZoneComments (1)

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