Tag Archive | "holidays"

Local Man Preemptively Places Decorative Christmas Deer in Doggy Style Position


WICHITA – On Monday afternoon local man and self-described holiday enthusiast Phillip Bakers preemptively arranged his two decorative outdoor Christmas reindeer, a common addition to the front yards of many Christian Americans, in the doggy style position.

“I know that little [expletive] Tim Mardocky down the street gets a huge kick out of placing my yard deer on top of each other like they’re having sex every Christmas,” said the married 49-year-old father of three. Read the full story

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Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End


Worchester, MA – The Henderson parents have had it.

“I never thought I’d say it, but it was easier when they were all in high school,” Richard, 49 year-old father and certified accountant, said.

His wife Tabatha agreed, and admitted to having had a migraine since late Friday, mere hours after son Jerry arrived at the airport from Florida and daughter Jenny was dropped off by friends from her first semester of college.

“They’ve both grown so much since leaving for school,” she said, “And in such opposite directions. They just can’t seem to get along with each other, anymore.”

“Or us,” Richard added, alluding to the concerned calls from the neighbors soon after the traditional Christmas Eve game of Old Maid crumbled into arguing over who, exactly, really deserved the title card.

Tension, if possible, managed to escalate on Christmas morning when presents began getting unwrapped and an undisclosed someone made the mistake of not scraping the price sticker off a gift.

“That’s when the shit really hit the fan,” Richard nodded.

“Chocolate, dear,” Tabatha corrected him, with a gentle pat on his knee and a heavy sigh. “Really good chocolate.”

The presence of other family members for most of the day seemed to dissipate the animosity, as everyone put on the “nice and loving family” act, but after dinner the company left and things returned to the new, hellish normal.

“I begged Aunt Judy and Mike not to leave,” Tabatha admitted.

Now the two parents are counting down the hours before their dear and dreaded children go back to school for spring semester. Their travel bags have been filled and left in conspicuously well-traveled areas of the house, as a constant reminder that the time is ticking down. Both parents have even memorized return itineraries, going so far as to alter Jenny’s to get her back as soon as the dorms open again.

“Just last month, we were saying we weren’t going to pay to send them away for spring break,” Richard stated, “We changed that, last night.”

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Parents Nationwide Update Children on Latest Things to Worry About


ACROSS THE NATION—Upon arriving at their parents’ house, sources confirmed they were greeted by their mother with the words, “Glad to see you made it. We’re always hearing about vehicle recalls on the news and you never know what might happen, what with people’s brakes failing left and right and whatnot.”

Mere seconds after additional sources walked in the front door for Thanksgiving, the sources’ father, Vernon, said, “Do you know how many houses burned down last year alone from ovens just like that? Terrible.” Read the full story

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Aleve Introduces New Product Just for Family Gatherings


MORRISTOWN, NJ—On Tuesday, the makers of popular headache relief medicine Aleve were proud to announce their new product made specifically for family gatherings.

“We just asked ourselves, ‘Can’t there be a way to not hate every moment of every holiday that social obligation basically forces you into?’ So here it is.”

Test subjects in the simulation of a Thanksgiving family meal reported remarkable differences such as less awareness of their temple throbbing, as well as neither finding themselves with their hands formed into fists nor realizing a tension in their jaws from clenching their teeth. Read the full story

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Mother’s Day Often Celebrated Just Plain Wrong (comic)


Maybe you have mommy issues, maybe you don’t. Or maybe you’re in that in-between realm where you’re not sure if you do or not. Spoiler alert, you have mommy issues.

What did YOU do for your mother on Mother’s Day, this most fabricated of all holidays. Come on, let’s get real, we all know it’s true. This is a Hallmark-Invented holiday designed to get you to spend mad stacks of money, and one that works uncommonly well. Read the full story

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Resilient Christmas Claims Victory in War on Christmas


NORTH POLE – Christmas – the holiday widely regarded as the most wonderful time of the year – today claimed victory in the War on Christmas, after enemy combatants and political correctness brigades surrendered in the early hours of the morning.

Its victory brings to a close 11 years of violent combat, which has seen bureaucrats carry out persistent strategic attacks on the special day in a war that is reported to have bored over two million people since fighting began on December 6, 2000. Read the full story

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Famous Americans Share Thanksgiving Messages of Gratitude


Glossy News interviewed famous Americans this past week, asking them “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving season?” Here is a holiday gift basket of inspirational messages from some of our nation’s most illustrious, America-loving Americans.

Ann Romney, wife of presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney: “I was very disappointed that Mitt lost the election, due to that fluke late October hurricane and the minor fact that Mitt’s not very good at relating to people with net worths under $25 million. But we still have so much to be grateful for. Read the full story

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Valentine’s Day Condom Heists Puzzle Store Owners


Multiple stores across the nation are just now reporting a significant increase in stolen condoms the week before Valentine’s Day. When asked for comment on the increase in theft, one store owner had this to say:

“I understand the motivation, but I’m not sure the people stealing these condoms completely understand Valentine’s Day. Is it supposed to be romantic. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex with a stolen condom.” Read the full story

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Thanksgiving Over; Needy Back in Storage


Preliminary reports say this year’s Project ISFC exceeded all expectations. Project I’m So Freaking Compassionate, begun several years ago in Southern California, has now expanded to most of the United States. This year, Thanksgiving meals were served cafeteria fashion to an estimated 340,000 people.

Delighted volunteers say it’s difficult to name just one highlight from 2010 activities, but the improved demeanor of the indigent was definitely a factor. “Yeah, they smell better now and they’re more grateful” said Tuscadegalooga, AL socialite Gladys Kravitz. Read the full story

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Fir Trees Being Kidnapped Mysteriously Around The World


Thousands of fir trees have been mysteriously disappearing from forests around the Western world in the last few weeks. Forest rangers making their rounds have been shocked to find many conifers, mostly young ones between three and six feet tall, missing with only short stumps to mark where they had been. Experts have expressed fears that there is some sort of trafficking in evergreens going on, perhaps even an international trade. Read the full story

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