Tag Archive | "health care"

Airport Screenings to Include CT Scans, MRIs, Dental Cleanings


WASHINGTON, D.C. (Glossy News) — Last December, following a foiled terrorist airline attack, airports implemented full body scans, prompting many air travelers to wonder what additional security procedures they would have to endure. The wondering can stop. Yesterday, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a comprehensive battery of new health care-friendly airport screenings. In addition to full body scans, air travelers will now be able to get free CAT scans, MRIs, dental cleanings and even yearly physicals while going through security. Read the full story

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Gordon “Gordy” Chastain, Philanthropist, Inventor, Diplomat, Dead at Age 4


Biloxi, MS (GlossyNews) — Gordon P Chastain, better known to the world as “Gordy” Chastain has died before his time, at the age of four, due to complications from malnutrition and insufficient pediatric medical care.

The child, who was to become one of the world’s most powerful men, died in the arms of a social worker because the programs which kept him alive through to adolescence had been slashed or never funded. Read the full story

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WWII Veteran Seeks Asylum from Arizona


Prescott, AZ (GlossyNews) — Captain Dudley Engelbrook, 91, of Chino Valley, Arizona is seeking asylum in Greece, Iceland, and several other European countries. Years of shoddy health care combined with the loss of veterans’ benefits, says the proud veteran of the Battle of the Bulge, “made life hell” for him.

Tired of living in subsidized housing, where he was afraid to come and go and was “surrounded by psychos, thieves, druggies, racist gangsters and murderers” — and even offered child prostitutes — he decided in 2003 to rent a small, dilapidated barn from a girlfriend. Read the full story

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Obama Appoints TV Show ‘Doctor’ as Vice President


Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — In a bold bid to rally voter support for healthcare reform and boost Democrats’ election prospects, President Obama announced today the resignation of Vice President Joe Biden and appointment of television actor Patrick Dempsey to replace him.

Dempsey, best known for his portrayal of Dr. Derek Shepherd on the popular television series Grey’s Anatomy, has no previous political experience but is seen as a canny choice by Washington insiders. Read the full story

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GOP Prepares Mother Ship in Wake of Healthcare Bill


Roswell, NM (GlossyNews) — The Right Wing leaders in the US House and Senate have declared they are preparing their Mother Ship to return to wherever they came from now that Obama’s health care plan was passed into law.

“We came here over two hundred years ago with one mission,” announced a bleak Mitch McConnell, flanked by the rest of the conservative leadership, “to rip apart the social fabric of the United States, to keep the downtrodden under the jack boot of oppression, to slice and dice humanity and pit the slices against each other for political gain, Read the full story

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Republicans to Boycott Health Care – Turn to Self-Medication


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — In response to the ass-trouncing recently inflicted by the Democrats over the Republicans over the hotly debated health care reform bill, Republicans in all levels of government held a press conferences early today in which they vowed that they would henceforth boycott all medical care facilities and handle all of their personal health care themselves, in their own home and using what they referred to as “traditional means”. Read the full story

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Romney Cooks Up New Image for 2012


CHICAGO, IL (GlossyNews) — During an interview in a Chicago bus station on Wednesday, Mitt Romney said, “I think that one of the things that’s very important in running a successful presidential campaign is to make sure that voters can easily recognize what you are known for – those things that really motivate you.” He held up his new signature snow globe with WTF initials inside. Read the full story

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Pelosi’s Secret Agenda Revealed


SAN FRANCISCO, CA (GlossyNews) — Nancy Pelosi has much to be proud about. She is the first woman in U.S. history to preside as Speaker of the House. Through her efforts as a trained whip, she rallied together the necessary support to pass the nation’s first health care reform bill, despite lock-step opposition from the GOP. Now, a recently discovered transcript of an abandoned Pelosi speech illuminates the thought process and political agendas behind this remarkable woman. The transcript is reprinted here in its original, unedited format. The Editors. Read the full story

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Dems Respond to Vampire Corruption Charges


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — It began with whispers and raised eyebrows, then quickly became a prairie fire. So far only the venerable Helen Thomas, speaking at D.C.’s popular Make It Look Like a Business Expense Bistro, has found courage to say that this may be our generation’s Watergate, or worse. Read the full story

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Obama Discovers Cancer Cure: Republicans Outraged


WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise press conference this morning, Barack Obama announced to the American public that he has discovered the cure for cancer.

“Several well-known medical researchers and I have finally found a way to put an end to this menacing disease,” President Obama declared. “The short treatment is completely safe, 100-percent effective and carries no side effects whatsoever.” Read the full story

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Health Care Bill Passage Assured: Vampires Now On Board


Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — Speaking from Baltimore’s famed Holly Oaks Cemetery, last resting place of author Edgar Allen Polk, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today revealed a strategy so stunning, even seasoned Washington wonks looked up from their pools of vomit and urine at DC’s famed “Make It Look Like a Business Expense” bistro.

Pelosi, brimming with confidence, said she’s no longer pandering for the recalcitrant pro-life Dem vote; she now has the pro-unlife vote securely in her corner. Read the full story

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Limbaugh Draws Outrage from International Sources


UN HEADQUARTERS, NEW YORK — In an amazing show of quick response today, the governments of Canada, Great Britain, Costa Rica and Cuba introduced a resolution into the United Nations proceedings that bans Rush Limbaugh from entering their countries over the next 10 years.

The UN Ambassador of Canada, John McNee, spoke as the head of the new organization, Globally Ban Limbaugh Travel Quickly, a/k/a GBLTQ — not to be confused with GLBTQ, a national organization of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer men and women. Read the full story

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Discount Abortion Coupons Threaten to Sink Health Care Bill


Washington D. C. (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s purposed Health Care overhaul has encountered a new series of setbacks, after both Democrats and Republicans introduced additional provisions sure to tie the bill up in debate for some time to come. Read the full story

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Cheney’s Heart Conducts Preemptive Attack — Expects to Be Greeted as Liberator


WASHINGTON (GlossyNews) — On February 24, 2010, former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital, three days after suffering his fifth heart attack. A spokesman said that the 69-year-old Cheney, known as “Angler” to his friends, will resume his normal schedule soon. The announcement filled those close to the family with an ironic mixture of relief and dread. “I’m glad he’s won another game of chess with the Reaper,” one friend said, “but if he’s resuming his normal schedule, we’ll soon be receiving invitations to ‘tie one on,’ pick up hitchhikers and go dove hunting; or what Dick likes to call Tuesdays.” Read the full story

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Report Shows Americans Healthier Than Ever – 20 Million Give Up Health Insurance


Americans have long enjoyed a position of hard fought superiority over the rest of the world’s citizens. For centuries, Americans have both rocked and kicked ass. Just ask them. The United States is often promoted as a paragon of military prowess, economic might, moral fortitude, opportunity, and civil rights. Read the full story

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New Study Proves Americans are Highly Pissed Off


A British team of doctors recently developed a color wheel that they say can be used to determine if mood affects color choice. The wheel, known as the “Manchester Color Wheel” (they obviously were spent after the research and could only muster a rather generic name for their invention), is comprised of a spectrum of colors on a wheel, and subjects were asked to point to the color that best described their mood. The study group consisted of 300 healthy subjects and around 220 subjects suffering from some type of anxiety or depression. Read the full story

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