In the aftermath of Hurricane Tomas’ further devastation to the beleaguered Caribbean hellhole, an emergency meeting of the UN has officially declared Haiti the ‘Kenny’ of the global community.

Scholars and UN watchdogs call the unanimous decree historical, unprecedented and confusing, as it’s the only time Libya and Israel have voted alike on anything, and it’s also a label few in the developing world are familiar with. Read the full story

Tonopah, NV Reuters — Humor news media titan Glossy News has won the Pulitzer in this year’s newly added “Best exploitation of a disaster” category. The committee cited GNN’s round the clock coverage from earthquake ravaged Hawaii. Media watchers were generally positive on the announcement, while acknowledging the race was always ‘too close to call.’

Washington Post’s Howard Kurtz said, “Exploiting disasters for higher ratings, well it’s our bread & butter, right? Privately I thought Geraldo had the edge for his Tiger Woods coverage. I mean, Geraldo is a disaster all by himself, so there was always chance for a double win. But there’s always next year.” Read the full story

“I just realized that I am never going to win a major election, so instead, I want to go to Haiti and help the poor folks who so desperately need it.”

LABADEE, Haiti — There’s an old Haitian proverb: “Behind the mountains, there are mountains.”

Behind those mountains are smaller mountains. Behind those smaller mountains is an enclosure. And behind that enclosure is a tropical paradise rented out to Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines by the Haitian government. Read the full story

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. It has suffered from a history of political violence that reaches back to the 1950s when “Papa Doc” and “Baby Doc” Duvalier purged the military, installed rural militias and subjugated Haitians through a voodoo fueled cult of personality that led to a “brain drain” from which the nation has never recovered. Read the full story

Programming ceased today at the popular 700 Club network, as Pat Robertson was rushed to the hospital. The 79 year old televangelist complained of “like needles sticking in me all over, particularly in the crotch area.” The attack came as the religous leader was taping part 2 of an ongoing expose on Voodoo and tectonic plate activity in Haiti. Read the full story

A lawsuit filed by the devil in a Virginia district court claims that Pat Robertson is the party with an actual contractual relationship with Satan.

Virginia Beach – The devil filed a lawsuit in the Virginia Beach district court on Thursday suing Pat Robertson for breach of contract. “Pat Robertson has broken the terms of our agreement with him” said Arthur B. Ellzebub, an attorney for satan, “His public comments regarding various pacts we may or may not be involved in is in clear violation of the non-disclosure agreement we signed with him 36 years ago.” Read the full story

The tragic earthquake in Haiti not only shook Port-au-Prince, but also shook Hollywood this week. George Clooney’s star studded Hope for Haiti telethon is geared to simulcast across multiple major networks this Friday. The telethon is expected to generate millions of dollars to benefit those stranded without food and shelter, however one major network has pulled out of the airing entirely. Read the full story