Tag Archive | "guns"

Sole Survivor of a Flurry of Mass Shootings Opposes Firearms Regulation

Even as the rate of all other gun-related crimes had been decreasing in the United States for decades, the rate of mass shootings had steadily increased as gun show loopholes were found to circumvent bans on assault rifles, mental health centers were defunded by the government, and the NRA captured both political parties. Experts on television declared that the solution to massacres in movie theaters was to add more guns to theaters; to slaughters in malls, it was to add more guns to malls; and to school shootings, it was to add more guns to schools. Soon enough, the United States was overflowing with guns.

And Americans were angry, very angry, because their political system was corrupt and unresponsive to the plight of the middle class and the poor. Both parties had catered to the wealthy business elites in exchange for their campaign contributions and for cushy jobs in the private sector. The combination of mass resentment and rage together with millions upon millions of state-of-the-art firearms boded ill for the nation’s survival.

In 2017, Texas alone sustained 362 mass shootings. The survivors fled the state, leaving it barren, but there was no escape. New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and all the other southern states erupted in gunfire as the mentally deranged, the marginalized, and the dispossessed as well as the jihadist terrorists vented their frustrations by spraying bullets in crowded places. Militarized police forces were deployed and demonized by fear-mongering right-wingers who awaited the prophesied End of Days. Militias went to war against the police, eventually leaving the southern states desolate and bereft of human inhabitants.

Liberal lawmakers took the loss of the southern half of their country as an opportunity to push for mild gun control laws, but they were ousted from office by NRA-backed candidates who merely had to call the liberals “communists” to win popular support even as the voters were cut down by hooligans’ gunfire soon after they left the U.S. Capitol.

Again, the survivors fled to the north, but the northerners found they had to arm themselves or be shot to pieces by the traumatized southerners. Through 2019 the mass shootings continued and looked increasingly like a civil war.

In 2020, the U.S. population dropped to around 100,000 proud, patriotic Americans.

Before the government fell, Congress again debated whether to regulate the shrunken gun industry that was still pumping out firearms and selling them to the beleaguered remnants of American civilization. Congress decided against halting the nation’s impending collapse, insisting that the Founders had been rabid anarchists who intended for the country to resemble not fattened, spoiled Middle America but something like the Wild West which was truly the land of the free and the home of the brave.

As one Republican representative said, “The Founding Fathers upheld everyone’s right to bear arms for the purpose of stocking a militia. A militia has to be powerful enough to take down the government if the government should fail to uphold the law. Therefore, every American citizen has the right to carry even weapons of mass destruction to keep the government in check.”

Cosmopolitan Americans from abroad rushed home to attempt to salvage their nation, but were cut down by gunfire soon after they stepped off the tarmac.

Canada and Mexico, too, moved into American territory and were promptly blasted en masse by Americans boasting the latest in military hardware. Thereafter, foreigners kept their distance.

When survivors in Montana realized that the government had neglected in their last firearms bill to allow for the sale of newly-designed magazines capable of carrying 400 rounds of ammunition, they nuked Washington D.C., rendering the country lawless.

In 2021, after a series of further mass shootings, there were only twelve Americans left alive. Six of the survivors engaged in a Mexican standoff over a dispute about who spilled beer on the shoe of whom. All six pulled their triggers and died in a hail of bullets.

The remaining five Americans deemed it wise to spread themselves out across the land to keep alive the American Dream. One, however, Howard Derringer, was mentally ill and hunted down the others, executing them with an assortment of submachine guns until only two Americans remained: Derringer and a former bus driver named Mark McEwan.

Before Derringer could locate and shoot McEwan, Derringer succumbed to an unknown ailment in 2023.

Mark McEwan was the sole survivor of American freedom. A peaceable man, McEwan allowed foreigners to observe his actions without launching a crazed assault on them.

He spent the bulk of his time agonizing over whether to impose restrictions on the use of firearms. One day, standing before a mirror, he gave a speech to himself.

“I speak to you today as president of this great nation,” he said, “having just voted for myself last week. I speak to you also as someone who is terribly thirsty. There’s no water for miles. Aside from that, I feel it’s incumbent on me to take up the issue of arms control. There’s no NRA anymore, so passing a ban on assault rifles would be feasible. I could throw all the long guns I see into a river.

“But as the last American, I also feel I have a duty to honour the American spirit. For that reason, I’ve decided not to control the use of firearms. Instead, I’ll shoot this sonuvabitch, blowing my brains out with a Colt M4 carbine. Let the blessed guns inherit the earth.”

With the loss of Mark McEwan and of the United States, China became the world’s largest gun manufacturer. In 2025, China annexed what had hitherto been the American heartland, honouring those previous generations of brave American souls who had eked out a living under the constant threat of being shot like a Third World dog in the streets, by turning that territory into a giant gun manufacturing facility.


Posted in Crime, War ZoneComments (11)

Arms Manufacturers Hope for Another Massacre To Stimulate Lagging Gun Sales

According to a recent Bloomberg.com article, guns sales have fallen off sharply since the days of the Sandy Hook and Batman movie massacres which is worrying arms manufacturers and salesmen.

The fear of having guns banned or limited sent gun lovers, conspiracy theorists, survivalists and various assorted whackos scurrying for their local gun shops to buy up whatever thunder sticks and ammos they could get their hands on.

Those times are now referred to as ‘the good ole’ days” by shop owners. Read the full story


Posted in Biz NewsComments (0)

Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic

Gun Rights Activists flaunting their 2nd Amendment rights were in the right place at the right time yesterday when they courageously exchanged gunfire in a Houston based Sonic fast food restaurant and saved several restaurant goers the fate of high cholesterol and clogged arteries. Read the full story


Posted in Crime, Strange PeopleComments (2)

Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Alex Jones, host of his own radio show, The Alex Jones Show, and known for his outlandish conspiracy theories, claims that he has personal knowledge that brain farts are not only a real medical condition, but they can be extremely dangerous.

“I have had several very close calls with brain farts just in the past two weeks,” said Jones, while commenting on his recent appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight.

“In one particularly scary incident, I was loading my gun and couldn’t remember if I’d put all the bullets in the chamber. I had to hold the gun to my head and click it to figure out if I had or not.”

Jones claims that after the second click, he pulled the gun down from his head and said out loud “brain fart,” and looked quite perturbed as he realized all he had to do is look in the chamber.

Damn near almost blew my head off,” he said. “Luckily, I caught it in time, and realized it was just a brain fart, but man, that was the closest call I’ve had yet.”

Jones claims that most of his brain farts are pretty innocuous, but that they are getting worse and worse, and he blames them on secret medical experiments the Keebler elves are conducting on him in his sleep.

“You know, I’m thinking of saying one thing, and end up saying another. That happens quite often with me,” he admitted. We couldn’t agree more.

Jones was then asked exactly why he believes brain farts are true medical conditions, but he couldn’t really come up with anything. True to form, however, Jones claimed it was a trick question, but then proceeded to make up this response.

“Did you know that the CIA developed Rice Crispies for the sole purpose of sending subliminal messages through the digestive tracts of young children in order to brainwash them into thinking that it is okay for boys to play with Ken dolls?”

Jones then cut the interview short saying that the aluminum foil jockey shorts he was wearing to protect his testicles from the microwaves being emitted from the small microphone “they” insisted he wear were beginning to chafe him, and he immediately left the studio.


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, HealthComments (6)

Study: Illegal Gun Owners Have Larger Genitalia

In a recent study published jointly by the NAACP and the NCAA, it has been found that those possessing firearms illegally have a penis, on average, three inches longer.

“It’s true,” said Rebecca Haywood, spokeswoman and study researcher. “I’ve seen every man through this detention center in the past month, and I have to say, guys who don’t have [concealed license] permits are bigger in the penis by two standard deviations.” Read the full story


Posted in Strange PeopleComments (2)

Hasbro Introduces PTSD GI Joe

In an effort to introduce children to the realities of war, Hasbro Inc. announced today that it will begin marketing the new PTSD GI Joe.

“Up until now we have always presented GI Joe as being fearless, ready to kill Vietnamese or Iraqi soldiers”, said Hasbro marketing executive Clive Barron. “The new PTSD GI Joe will reflect the reality of war. He will be more withdrawn, easily irritated, at times shaking uncontrollably and unable to maintain relationships”.

Barron said the new PTSD GI Joe will be outfitted with tiny medications, alcohol bottles and a psychiatrist doll, sold separately. Also, instead of his usual GI greens, Joe will be clad in ordinary street clothes.

“We think of this GI Joe as already being discharged from the service”, Barron continued. “But, of course, we leave it up to the imagination of the child”.

Barron further stated that to further fuel the child’s Imagination, the new GI Joe will have removable limbs, wheelchair and a bandage set. Unlike the old GI Joe, this one will be unarmed.

“We can’t give a gun to a loose canon!” Barron said.

“Oh boy!” said 8 year old Josh Belieber. “I can hardly wait for my new GI Joe doll!”

Belieber said his PTSD GI Joe has plans to do unspeakable things to Barbie and Ken.

“Barbie and Ken are just spoiled brats!” Josh said. “Joe’s gonna show ’em who’s boss!”


Posted in Biz NewsComments (25)

John Kerry Transfers into Mainframe to Destroy 3D-printed Gun Blueprints

United States Department of State Secretary John Kerry joined with Deputy Secretaries William Joseph Burns and Thomas Nides in an effort to destroy the 3D gun blue prints released by DEFCAD, a site hosted by Defense Distributed.

The State Department uploaded the high profile digital agents into the network after Defense Distributed founder Cody Wilson uploaded design plans that would allow a 3D printer to create a functional plastic gun.

“I feel a presence. Another warrior is on the mesa” stated the Master Control Program as the blueprints for the gun were downloaded more than 100,000 times before the State Department agents even entered the mainframe. Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

NRA Considers Pressure Cookers as a Future Income Possibility

The NRA, fresh from its victory of further controlling American laws by defeating all Congressional bills limiting access to guns of mass destruction, is now looking to further extend its power.

Successfully cowing and buying off Senators involved with the bills, the NRA now wants to expand the range of its control in the U.S.

Now that the future manufacture of assault rifles is secure the NRA must search for other venues to expand its grasp and other weapons of unsuspected mass destruction fit the bill. Read the full story


Posted in CrimeComments (2)

Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman

Everywhere, United States- Americans shared a collective sigh of relief this week when they discovered that a tragic explosion in Texas had nothing to do with a crazed individual maliciously seeking violence amongst the population.

There had been such a long standing trend in recent months where havoc was being wrought. A fertilizer plant explosion in Texas alleviated a lot of fears held by most Americans. Read the full story


Posted in SocietyComments (1)

The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week

A Richmond Virginia man is being held without bail after his marijuana fueled attempt to sacrifice his friend in order to join the Illuminati.

The man, an aspiring rap artist believed that by killing his friend he could join the secretive world dominating organization and they would in turn, jump start his go-nowhere music career. Read the full story


Posted in MusicComments (6)

SEATTLE: Wanted – Gun, Working or Not $100-$200

Are you in Seattle, or close enough to drive? Would like to take that gun off your hands, no questions asked. Will give you a $100-$200 Amazon gift card for it. Just bring it to me.

Okay, not me, but the Seattle gun buy-back. I don’t want them. Nothing against your guns, I’m sure they’re lovely, well-oiled, and perfectly represent your manhood. No it’s not like that. Read the full story


Posted in Crime, SocietyComments (4)

NRA: Recent Home Shooting Proves we Should Arm All Homes

Our nation was rocked this week when it was discovered that three minors and two adults were murdered in a spree shooting in New Mexico, prompting the NRA to declare that all homes should have an armed guard.

Bernalillo County Sherrif’s deputy’s were horrified at the scene, but NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre was quick to quip, “If this home had been armed, maybe things would have ended a little differently.” Read the full story


Posted in CrimeComments (3)

Satirical News Article Solves U.S. Gun Violence Problem

FAIRFAX, VA – The contentious issue of gun control in the U.S. appears to have been fully resolved today, following the on-line publication of a satirical news article which instantly united advocates on both sides of the issue with its brilliant wit and insight.

The satirical news article, which combined the irreverent humor of The Onion with the sharp comedic incisiveness of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, had gun rights defenders and gun control advocates nodding their heads in laughter and agreement. Read the full story


Posted in SocietyComments (5)

NRA Suggestion to Weed Out Crazies Met w/ Unexpected Results

The US government has decided to do what the NRA says and instead of not letting people buy a lot of guns and bullets that the would try to find the crazy people and just stop them from getting them.

As anyone knows, guns and bullets are just innocent formed pieces of metal that, of their own accord, would never want to hurt an ant. No. It is when bad people or crazy people get a hold of them and do bad things. Read the full story


Posted in Crime, War ZoneComments (2)

New Law Requires Gun Manufacturers to Clean Up Post-Massacre Mess

A new wrinkle in the gun control debate has come about. Sick of the inordinate control that gun makers have over our society and the political influence that have upon our government, a massive petition campaign has brought about a new law making gun makers responsible for cleaning up the mess left after a mass shooting.

After another mall massacre in California, the Bushmaster Firearms International Corporation, the companies whose gun the psycho used to blast 6 people, had to go in with trash bags and pick up the blasted pieces of flesh left scattered by the ferocity of the gun used. Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

“Gun Bubble Imminent” Claims Financial Wizard

E. Edmund Worthington, a foremost prognosticator in the world of weapons pricing, is warning potential gun buyers to save their cash and quit buying guns.

“The prices are way too high now folks,” said Worthington in a voice resembling a concerned father, as he began talking about the crazy run on guns taking place all over America.

“Even if you have a gun permit or are sane enough to apply for one, it’s just too much of a financial risk,” he warned his rapt audience at the annual American Armament and Bankers Conference in Roanoke, Virginia. Read the full story


Posted in Biz News, CrimeComments (2)

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