Tag Archive | "gun control"

NRA’s LaPierre Holds America Hostage


Two narrowed eyes peeked out of the slats over the window that were already narrow enough by themselves. They gazed imperturbably at the scores of police and FBI agents that surrounded the NRA ranch estate in North Carolina.

Those eyes belong to Wayne LaPierre, the once clean cut, All American holy saint of the National Rifle Association, now disheveled, grizzled, crazed and no longer mincing words. Read the full story

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Senator Graham Goes For The Low Hanging Fruit


South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham today championed his desire to restrict the ability to own fire arms to those who are no longer capable of knowing right from wrong.

The senator laid out his thoughts in what many believed was a basic assumption with any gun control initiatives currently before either house of congress. Read the full story

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National Rat Association Wants to Disassociate Itself From NRA


The National Rat Association, an organization created and run by the rat population of the United States of America, is doing a big publicity campaign to disassociate itself from the notorious National Rifle Association who share the same abbreviated initials as them. Read the full story

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The NRA to Use ‘Puppy Eyes’ to Win Favor In Public Debate


The NRA in its constant quest for keeping up a good image of itself, keeping guns in as many hands as possible, controlling the minds of the public and keeping a stranglehold on Congress has developed a new methodology for its dealing with the public.

It is asking its cultists, er, followers to use ‘puppy eyes’ when speaking to the public. Read the full story

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Dorner’s Body Identified, Satan Up One


The burned body of fugitive Christopher Dorner was identified late this afternoon as the charred remains that were pulled from the burned cabin in which police believed they had him surrounded on Tuesday afternoon.

While the method of identification has not been revealed at this time, there is absolute certainty that this is in fact the end of a very horrible and tragic episode for law enforcement in the state of California.

To the families of those who were injured and killed by this maniac we offer our prayers. For Mr. Dorner, you have used up all of the prayers that we could offer and now must deal with the fate you have chosen.

God bless those who choose protecting others as their mission in life.

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Olympic Athlete Can’t Run From Charges


Well respected olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius was charged this morning with murder in the shooting death of his model girl friend. Police report that there is a history of abuse in their relationship and are relieved that this is probably the last incident that they will need to respond to.

Oscar often referred to as the “Blade Runner” did not actually use a knife in this brutal attack, instead opting for the more feminine use of a gun. This has more than likely rewritten his legacy, apologies for the pun, in a way that nobody had ever envisioned.

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LaPierre “War On Liberal Media Requires Actual Guns”


A quote that is rumored to have been made by NRA leader and chief propagandist Wayne LaPierre recently implied that the war for public opinion against the liberal media was no longer just a war of words, it needed to be a war with actual guns.

His firmly held belief is that many in the liberal media are taking his irrational comments and using them against him in an effort to form public opinion so that the overall safety of citizens would out weigh his personal desire to continue to enrich himself with money from gun manufactures. Read the full story

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2023: With Half of America Shot, NRA Insists “More Guns”


Timeline- April 23, 2023
Place- Washington, D.C., or what is left of it.

The National Rifle Association and Congress again face off against each other over the never ending debate over gun control.

Once again it took a major massacre, this time the entire State of Delaware, to get the opposing factions to meet. While the grieving relatives of those who died in the attack by New Jersey attended the mass burial in Delaware which took up the entire state, the debate raged on again in the Senate Halls.

RIGHT: An image of Wayne LaPierre as he may appear in 2023. We ran it through an aging filter, but he just looks the same. I guess he’s maxed out his age already, leading us to believe he’ll likely be dead by then.

The death of every single person living in the State of Delaware brings the total number of dead in the last ten years to 157 million, exactly half the country at the time of the 2020 census.

NRA President David Keene started off the discussion, “I wish to make it clear, there is and never has been a need for gun control. It is merely a plot by the government to take away our guns so that they can have a totalitarian system.”

“No need for gun control?” stammered House Majority leader Chelsea Clinton. “ How can you even think that? Half the country is dead from gunshot wounds! How can you justify that?”

“It was simply bad people shooting other people. We can’t help it if there are bad people. We should make a mandate that all bad people should be sterilized so that they cannot have kids. That would solve the situation.” replied Keene blandly.

“Would that be like the idea that LaPierre had back in 2013 when he said that all schools should have armed guards? “ stated an exasperated Senator Susan Sarandon from California. The one that all schools did and every school system in America went bankrupt because it was the last straw for already cash strapped communities? Yeah, I think we all remember that one! Since then we’ve slipped to being a second world nation where half the population cannot read or write. Half the population that is still alive, that is!”

“Now that cannot be blamed on us, Senator. We too have to have money to survive on and we do quite well for ourselves.”

“Well, I suppose that is not too hard when you are the spokesman for every gun manufacturer in the world.’ came back Clinton.

“I don’t see no problem with people havin’ their little playtoys.” interjected Legislator Bristol Palin.

“Would you consider an Uzi a playtoy? “ snipped Sarandon.

“Oh, whatever!” exclaimed Palin. “Uzi, schmoozie! I think it is perfectly OK to have any guns you want. I think God wants us to have as many guns as we want. What is good enough for God is good enough for me.”

“Gentlemen!” shouted Senator Sarandon. A full half of our countrymen are rotting in untimely graves. I say it is high time for some changes! Guns meant for military use should not be in the hands of private citizens. Who else must die to get the changes we need?”

“All of you.” grinned Keene malevolently, his hand going to his mouth in realization of his Freudian slip.

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Roque LA Officer Chris Dorner Proposed NRA Speaker


In a move that is even stunning for the NRA, a speaking offer has been made to former LAPD officer Christopher Dorner to speak at the next NRA convention.

The decision has many inside the organization questioning the overall impact it will have on their current negative publicity. Read the full story

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Beavis, Butthead Steal Car, Shoot Out Wayne LaPierre’s Windshield


Beavis and Butthead were taken into custody today after they allegedly stole a car, purchased an unregistered weapon at a gun show, then used it to shoot out the windshield of Wayne LaPierre’s car, according to a police report.

The acting duo are best known for playing a pair of dim-witted, awkward teenage delinquents in a popular animated television series. They said the stunt aimed at the National Rifle Association spokesman serves as a “warning shot,” calling themselves “two good guys with a gun.” Read the full story

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American Revolution Staged to Pass Second Amendment


Recently discovered communication between key Founding Fathers and the kings of both England and France has brought into question what has always been considered historical fact: specifically, America’s War of Independence from Great Britain.

This new evidence is pointing historians not to a war motivated by ideology and autonomy but to a grandly orchestrated pretext for wider gun usage. Read the full story

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Pro-Gunners Disapprove Label “Sandy Hookers”


In an unsurprising turn of events, the pro-gunners like Wayne LaPierre of the NRA have come out publicly to insist they do not like being called “Sandy Hookers”. They have also said they don’t like being called “pro-gunners”.

“Just because we feel the tragic events at Sandy Hook shouldn’t be politicized doesn’t mean you can call us Sandy Hooker,” explained Todd Halford, a Tea Party activist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Read the full story

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NRA Members Suffering From Selective Hearing Disorder – I SAID, “NRA MEMBERS SUFFERING FROM HEARING DISORDER”


Scientists have begun a study of NRA members who seem to have a vacillating hearing problem in which most of their die hard publicum hear certain things in clarity and then on others are fuzzy.

“It is a really strange phenomena.” stated Irving Earwig, a specialist with the “Can You Hear Me Now?” Ear Institute of Huh?, Mississippi. “If you say to them ‘The government is not taking away your guns, they only want to limit high chambered guns and guns of mass destruction.’ Read the full story

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SEATTLE: Wanted – Gun, Working or Not $100-$200


Are you in Seattle, or close enough to drive? Would like to take that gun off your hands, no questions asked. Will give you a $100-$200 Amazon gift card for it. Just bring it to me.

Okay, not me, but the Seattle gun buy-back. I don’t want them. Nothing against your guns, I’m sure they’re lovely, well-oiled, and perfectly represent your manhood. No it’s not like that. Read the full story

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NRA: Recent Home Shooting Proves we Should Arm All Homes


Our nation was rocked this week when it was discovered that three minors and two adults were murdered in a spree shooting in New Mexico, prompting the NRA to declare that all homes should have an armed guard.

Bernalillo County Sherrif’s deputy’s were horrified at the scene, but NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre was quick to quip, “If this home had been armed, maybe things would have ended a little differently.” Read the full story

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Teenager Opens Fire on Wayne LaPierre, Sean Hannity


National Rifle Association CEO and gun-rights martyr Wayne LaPierre likely was not expecting to be shot at as he celebrated the day after Gun Appreciation Day by shooting off his mouth with Sean Hannity on the Fox Comedy Network.

LaPierre said he considered Gun Appreciation Day a “big victory” for unsuspecting Americans in places like North Carolina, Indiana and Ohio, who came to pro-gun rallies to celebrate their 2nd Amendment freedom, not to shoot themselves. Read the full story

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