One of President Obama’s campaign promises was to address the energy crisis. It’s one of his top priorities just after healthcare reform, job creation, education reform and improving his Baseball Opening Day Ceremonial Curve Ball (needs a lot of work).
Americans can now beam with pride because on one front, America is making amazing progress: Energy conservation.
According to a recent survey by the widely respected and completely unheard of news publication, The Daily Beast, the United States now ranks #1 in the entire world in personal energy conservation.
Okay, if you want to get technical, it actually called the USA the laziest nation on earth. But it’s all in one’s perspective. I would like to personally give my fellow American countrymen a collective high five, but I don’t want to have to get up out of my chair. Turns out, according to this report, we Americans rank:
Number one in per person daily caloric intake
Number one in number of trips to fast food restaurants per year
Number one in per person hours of daily television viewing and
Dead last in the amount of time spent exercising per day, or as I prefer to think of it, first in personal energy conservation!
Americans rank #1 in terms of exercising … our civil right not to exercise. So we don’t extend ourselves physically as much as our grandparents once did. Why did we build cars, planes, and washing machines if not to save us from having to work so hard?
When they weren’t fighting Nazis, Communists and Terrorists in the last century, Americans were working their butts off inventing incredible technologies to make their lives easier, not to mention some really ingenious ways to kill Nazis, Communists and Terrorists. We deserve to take the next century off to rest up and recharge our batteries (another great American invention).
Some might quibble that Americans are not very health and fitness-minded. They would be wrong. We Americans are the most ardent sports enthusiasts in the world – just so long as we can enjoy those sports with a nachos dip in front of our flat panel high def 55” TV (Go Cubs!).
Would it surprise you to know that Americans rank #1 in the amount of money spent per capita on diet books and exercise equipment? True. So what if we don’t actually adhere to these diets for more than 5 days or get beyond the assembly stage of using most of this exercise equipment? There just isn’t enough time. We’re way too busy watching Monday Night Football and The Amazing Race to carve out time to use our new Pilates Abs of Steel Perfect Core Crunch Butt Toning Rowing Machine Ball. Maybe after the NBA Playoffs are over.
Okay, so we might not actually use all the fitness equipment we impulse purchase from the Home Shopping Network after our wives have gone to bed, and we men channel surf during a late night Cookie Dough ice cream-eating binge. On the positive side, Americans are the world’s leader in recycling…. of exercise equipment that we purchased from the Home Shopping Network.
According to a 2012 study, while the USA may be the laziest nation on earth, remarkably, we’re apparently NOT the fattest. We have to bow down to the proud people of the island of Nauru in Micronesia, which ranks #1 for obesity. 80% of this island nation’s 13,000 people are considered obese.
The photo at right is of Anibar Maketea, winner of “Nauru’s Sexiest Man Alive” contest. Americans are downright svelte by comparison, coming in only 9th in the ratings, behind several Pacific island nations and #8 Kuwait.
Seems like a few of us aren’t downing our fair share of Krispy Kreme donuts and Big Macs. Come on, people. It takes a McVillage. Do your part and order a large Dairy Queen Blizzard next time. By the way, coming in 193rd and last on this list: Ethiopia, the least obese country on earth. Talk about mailing it in.
Oh, sure, some smug marathon-running Vegans might pontificate that “junk food and a sedentary lifestyle lead to obesity which leads to premature death.” Research shows these obsessive health nut exercise freaks run on average 8 miles a day 6 days a week. And while it is true they tend to live on average approximately 10.7 years longer, research indicates they spend approximately 10.3 of those years running and stretching.
One thing is for sure. Americans have repeatedly shown that when they put their minds to it, there is nothing they can’t achieve – so long as they don’t actually have to exert themselves to achieve it. And to the smug people of the Pacific island of Nauru, just a friendly word of warning: America won’t stop scarfing down our McDonalds Sausage McGriddles until we’re #1.
(* This week’s post brought to you by Burger King, which reminds you to Super Size your order today.)
UPDATE (November 2017):
More recent metrics here.
I want to comment on this, but I’ll do it later.
You forgot to mention that America has to be ranked somewhere near the top of the list for drug abuse! Great article, though! Can we make it a “low five”?
I can’t stand the American lifestyle, and thanks to you I now know why. I’m moving to Nauru.
As a sedentary-American I find this… can’t finish typing, fingers too fat.