Tag Archive | "debt ceiling"

John Boehner Finishes Another Pint of Whiskey


John Boehner (R-Ohio) said Tuesday that he wants to have a “conflagration” with President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats over the government shutdown and deadline to raise the debt ceiling.

“I wanna half a conflagration, I’m not drowl… drowning any lines in the sand,” he said at a press conference, barely managing to stand alongside fellow members of the GOP leadership. “There’s isn’t any boundaries here, muffins off the table, butter there’s a lil-little something under the table! Hah!!” Read the full story

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Britney Spears Delivers Message to John Boehner: “Work B**ch”


WASHINGTON — In an odd turn of events yesterday, Pop Icon Britney Spears weighed in on the current Capitol Hill gridlock with a message aimed squarely at Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

According to Spears, “You better work bitch (x4).”

While Spears did, in fact, deliver the message via a music video, the 31-year-old singer claims the Youtube hit was somehow leaked prematurely with falsified lyrics. Read the full story

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The Governments Going To Shut Down? Oh, Pity…….


Shut Down The Government- Yeah!!!!!!

SHUT HER DOWN! SHUT HER DOWN!

YEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Go ahead and shut the dinosaur down! It will be days before most people even would notice.

They don’t seem to be able to do much lately except fight like Yuppie versions of the Hatfields and McCoys anyway.

While we’re at it let’s cut off the Senators and Legislators hospitalization for life on the taxpayers dime and suspend their pay. In fact, just shut it off for every upper level government employee. No, no unemployment for you! If we have to put up with it so do you! Read the full story

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Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs


Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna, “but doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few weeks.” Read the full story

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Germany to Leave EU… for the Children


Stocks plunged worldwide and oil closed below $80 today on news that Germany will end its European Union membership effective 2012.

Financial analysts and global security experts are unable to predict how the unexpected move will shape an increasingly interconnected world. This much is known, nobody knows why the Germans made this decision, they won’t say why, and we have no way of making them talk. Read the full story

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Caddy Breaks Silence on Obama-Boehner Debt Ceiling Golf Match


Breaking now to The Daily Trough: a caddy in the important Obama-Boehner June golf meeting at Andrews AFB has come forward with information on the current impasse between both leaders.

This caddy strongly resembles Paul Krugman but said this appearance is entirely coincidental. “No,” he said. “My name is Joe. Joe Steigwitz.” Read the full story

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Geithner Quits in Preparation for Jersey Shore


Under heavy pressure, mainly from the freshman Tea Party Representatives, Timothy Geithner admitted that while his August 2nd deadline for raising the debt ceiling was not arbitrary, it was hardly fiscally driven.

Geithner acknowledged that after August 2nd, his full attention would turn to preparing for the Jersey Shore Season 4 premier and did not want to have to be “doing math and nerdy shit while Pauly D crushes pussy.” Geithner, a known MTV afficionado, has spent the past 2 years developing an elaborate, 48-hour ritual to ready himself for the premier. Luckily he has given us exclusive access of his schedule to. Read the full story

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Adam Lambert Spelled Backwards is Difficult to Pronounce


Most people have not taken the time to wonder what would happen if you spelled Adam Lambert’s name backwards. Mostly because it doesn’t really spell anything. Trebmal Mada may be a word in a foreign language. It could translate to ‘working giant jungle cat.’ We simply do not know. Read the full story

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Insane Debt Levels suddenly Uncool


Just as no one knows the cause of earthquakes, sudden mass culture changes are a matter of great mystery to sociologists. History is rife with instances of these shifts. Communist Russia was seen as heroic, but then all of America changed its mind in 1946. Cigarettes were once the epitome of cool, but now smokers are pariahs huddled outside office buildings as if waiting for the next train to Auschwitz. And of course, there’s Adam Lambert. Read the full story

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Joe Biden Smacked on Nose, Sent Back to Cage


Washington, DC – Vice President Joe Biden found himself in hot water Monday evening, after his latest verbal faux pas. While being interviewed by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, Biden referred to House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) as “a sawed-off, four-eyed runt who doesn’t understand that you have to spend money to get out of debt.”  

Though the comment earned a hearty guffaw from Matthews, one of the two handlers assigned to Biden by the Obama administration promptly smacked the Vice President on the nose with a newspaper and ordered him back to his portable cage. Read the full story

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