Tag Archive | "college"

4K Glossy News PODCAST 060 (9-12-16)


The 4K/UHD podcast is back again. All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

Here are just some of the topics covered in the the September 12th, 2016 edition.

* How you can fix your whole damn life just by investing $50 in the well-established “sock” market… of socks… for your feet. Trust me, you’ll love me for this one.

* The most unbelievable mini-golf tournament was recently held in Riverside, California, and we were there to capture some of the players in some, nay, ALL, of their glory.

* 7 Ways to Make College Work again. Pretty self-explanatory, but I cover costs, minimizing costs, fixing the balooning student debt crisis and how to just, you know, make the whole thing work for everyone forever… Pretty basic stuff, really.

* Explanation of why the podcast is shorter, and a few quick teasers for things to come… Spoiler alert, it’s because I’m going back to the videos for which I’m actually well known and (in)famous. I haven’t had Jason V. Jones, Justyn Confer, Ty the Voice Guy Anderson or any of the others handy. It’s fine, it’s fine.

* Special contest/gift offer for my listeners/vierwers in California.

* The polls are tightening, but that doesn’t exactly mean it’s time to freak out. What DOES it mean? Will Trump definitely win? Is Clinton done for? Watch and listen for the updated analysis.

* Fun extra bonus segment from Roy Zimmerman from his Seattle concert this summer. Just a song about the Hubble Telescope, and it’s just plain awesome.

Listen to it



Or you can download it by right-clicking and selecting “save as” right here. It’s also available on iTunes.

Watch it on YouTube



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Segment bumpers and background music by Greg the Hero Facebook.com/gregtheheromusic. Royalty Free Music “Your Call” and “Funkorama” by Kevin MacLeod — Incompetech.com.

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2015 Advice for Graduating Students


I’d been working as an administrative assistant at an Ivy League university for about a year when my boss, the school’s marketing director, asked me to compile a list of inspirational quotes for the graduating class.

I dutifully sent a mass email to the alumni, asking them to share the best advice they had for the students before they entered the “real” world. I then boiled down their responses to the ten most representative quotes. Read the full story

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Posted in EducationComments (5)

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future


University if Missouri, Columbia — Despite his mounting college debt and lack of employment, college senior Brent Hamilton appears to be more troubled by the prospect of a zombie apocalypse than his imminent future.

“Brent’s always been a little eccentric, but lately all he talks about is a potential zombie outbreak,” revealed Devin Carter, Brent’s roommate for the past two years.

“He can’t even walk to class without pointing out which buildings are deathtraps and whether or not a facility is perfect for undead sniping. The guy didn’t even consider going to the job fair because it was being held in the Mizzou Rec Complex. Read the full story

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5 Steps To Hosting A Million Dollar Party


So, you made your way into college…Great, good job! Now all that’s left for you to do, is to acknowledge you have no place there and all your future holds for you is a prime career in flipping burgers.

Nah, I’m joking, you’re probably the spoiled brat of a millionaire anyway and you don’t have to lift a finger for the rest of your life. The only reason you’re in college is because it’s good PR for your father’s business empire. Read the full story

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, SocietyComments (8)

Young Woman miraculously ignores her Beauty to study Philosophy


Dateline: PITTSBURGH — Lisa Prettysweet, an achingly beautiful 26-year old, stunned her family and friends by showing the slightest interest in philosophy.

Predictably, her reading of philosophy has made her more skeptical, pessimistic, and cynical and her parents are convinced that somewhere along the line, some dark miracle has brought about this ruinous diversion. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange PeopleComments (11)

Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture


SAINT PAUL, MN—Speaking before a mesmerized audience at Hamline University Thursday, Professor Malcolm Forsythe floored the crowd with his complete and utter lack of knowledge regarding even the vaguest details of anything going on in recent pop culture.

Stunned students and visitors alike sat with mouths agape in awed admiration as he listed various figures and subjects with a dignified distance that most of them could only dream of. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, EducationComments (0)

Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End


Worchester, MA – The Henderson parents have had it.

“I never thought I’d say it, but it was easier when they were all in high school,” Richard, 49 year-old father and certified accountant, said.

His wife Tabatha agreed, and admitted to having had a migraine since late Friday, mere hours after son Jerry arrived at the airport from Florida and daughter Jenny was dropped off by friends from her first semester of college.

“They’ve both grown so much since leaving for school,” she said, “And in such opposite directions. They just can’t seem to get along with each other, anymore.”

“Or us,” Richard added, alluding to the concerned calls from the neighbors soon after the traditional Christmas Eve game of Old Maid crumbled into arguing over who, exactly, really deserved the title card.

Tension, if possible, managed to escalate on Christmas morning when presents began getting unwrapped and an undisclosed someone made the mistake of not scraping the price sticker off a gift.

“That’s when the shit really hit the fan,” Richard nodded.

“Chocolate, dear,” Tabatha corrected him, with a gentle pat on his knee and a heavy sigh. “Really good chocolate.”

The presence of other family members for most of the day seemed to dissipate the animosity, as everyone put on the “nice and loving family” act, but after dinner the company left and things returned to the new, hellish normal.

“I begged Aunt Judy and Mike not to leave,” Tabatha admitted.

Now the two parents are counting down the hours before their dear and dreaded children go back to school for spring semester. Their travel bags have been filled and left in conspicuously well-traveled areas of the house, as a constant reminder that the time is ticking down. Both parents have even memorized return itineraries, going so far as to alter Jenny’s to get her back as soon as the dorms open again.

“Just last month, we were saying we weren’t going to pay to send them away for spring break,” Richard stated, “We changed that, last night.”

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College Nerd Gets Back at Frat Guys


After semesters of humiliation, a major league nerd at the University of Arizona has exacted revenge on the group of frat brothers who targeted him for ridicule for his nerdiness, among other faults.

In a personal interview with Bill Maher, Clarence Frederick, 21, recounted the multiple times he had been verbally accosted by the entourage of beer-worshipers whilst completing his normal walk to the dining hall on Saturday afternoon. Read the full story

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Facing SOC 101 Test, Man Makes Peace w/ God


MIDDELTOWN – With the frightening prospect of his last test this semester for SOC 101 at Lord Fairfax Community College heightening, Bo Buzby is heading to church.

“I simply cannot afford to go through with this trial without first making my peace with God. The possibility of defeat ain’t outside tarnation, and so I’m not sure what to do,” he conceded.

Buzby came to the realization that he needed to be ready for the end after realizing his grades in the introductory Sociology course haven’t been so hot this semester. With one F, two D’s and one C- in all the exams so far, as well as straight zeroes across all homework, Buzby is on the edge between a passing grade of D- and complete failure of the course. He needs to earn an A if the former is to become reality. Read the full story

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Posted in Education, ReligionismComments (0)

Helen Dragas Voted UVA’s “Most Admired”


As Thomas Jefferson looks down from his cloudy suite in heaven, he must be exceedingly proud of UVA for its latest attempt at breaking the status quo in popular trends.

According to a poll released Sunday morning, Board of Visitors Rector Helen Dragas is the University’s Most Admired person, with 70 percent of the student body giving her their support. Read the full story

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Student Cramming in Some Last Minute Procrastination


MUNCIE, IN – Ahead of his first midterm exam Monday, Ball State University English major, Ross O’Keefe, was hard at work Sunday cramming in some much-needed and last minute procrastination.

Equipping himself with the tools required to compose a detailed essay on literary criticism, with particular reference to the works of Mark Twain, the 18-year-old spent a good portion of Sunday night dicking around on Facebook. Read the full story

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New Course Offerings for the Idiot Generation


HIS1995 – Life Before the Internet

This history course covers the dark period of mankind’s existence during the late 20th century, prior to the development of the World Wide Web. Students will learn about the primitive techniques utilized by early man for his daily survival and entertainment – including such legendary “lost arts” as standing, walking, communicating face-to-face with others, reading paper-based media, writing by hand, and watching video programming only at times and intervals dictated by broadcast television authorities.

Prerequisite: HIS1979 – Life Before Cell Phones

LIT1284 – English Literature Twitter Feed

This course introduces students to the some of the greatest works of English literature through a series of easily digestible tweets of 140 characters or less. Texts are enriched with emoticons to ease comprehension: “It was the best of times 🙂 It was the worst of times :-(“. The use of numerals, letters, symbols and abbreviations in place of words helps speed the reader along: “2B/2B? TITQ”.

Prerequisite: LIT241 – Famous Dramatic Soliloquies as Facebook Status Updates

GEO2012 – The World According to GPS

This course replaces all of our former geography courses, now that the ability to read a map is no longer a required skill in contemporary civilization. Students will practice a range of basic GPS-based driving skills – such as the ability to clearly say the name of their destination while having a mouthful of food, understanding the difference between “turn right” and “turn left”, and how to avoid panic when the GPS system says “recalculating”.

Prerequisite: GEO2011 – A World Outside of Your Home: Reality or Myth?

MAT1234 – Those Number Buttons on the Right Side of Your Keyboard

What would you do if your voice-activated accounting software failed? This course introduces students to the mysterious numerical keypad located on their computer keyboard and shows how it can actually be used to do basic mathematical calculations – such as addition, subtraction, multiplication and…well, we don’t want to give the whole course away now, do we?

Prerequisite: MAT123 – Counting on Your Fingers and Toes

COM1221 – Rewriting Wikipedia Entries

This composition course guides students through the process of rewriting information found on Wikipedia to seem like an original text based on the student’s own research.

Take the following Wikipedia entry, for example: “William I, usually known as William the Conqueror and sometimes as William the Bastard, was the first Norman King of England, reigning from 1066 until his death in 1087.”

This could easily be rewritten as follows: “William I was king of England from 1066 to 1087. The reason he decided to stop being king was that he died. Most people called him William the Conqueror because that was a really cool nickname. Some people called him William the Bastard, but probably not to his face. What ‘s weird is that his real name was Norman.”

CKG1000 – 1,000 Instant Noodle Recipes

This cooking workshop prepares students for surviving their college years through the preparation of a vast array of Ramen noodle-based meals. Practical tips include using dorm room leftovers – pizza crusts, nacho crumbs, Subway shredded lettuce – to give added flavor and bulk to noodle concoctions.

Prerequisite: CKG212 – Fundamentals of Boiling Water

SOC500 – Making the Most of Your 500th Job Interview

This social studies practicum helps prepare students for making their 500th job interview the one that finally gets them the job they’ve been desperately seeking for the past 20+ years since their graduation from college. Read the full story

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Science & TechnologizzyComments (1)

16 Year Old Cambridge, MA, Girl Hates Being a Hoar


16-year-old Samantha Hoar (pro: Whore) told her parents today that she hates her name and wants to change it to something with less social stigma. Her wealthy parents refused her request.

“The Hoars helped build this country,” said her father Richard Hoar, Esq. of the law firm Hoar & Hoar. “If she doesn’t like being a Hoar then she will have to wait until she’s legal age before she can change it!” Read the full story

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Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku


Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened.

Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who were later killed by neighboring Native Americans, historic Flaverhaven nestles quietly among the towering Adirondacks. Read the full story

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Status Update: Brian White Rejected from Harvard


[Ed Note: This story was originally run on Monday April 12, but we inadvertently left out all of the nouns.]

Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) In sad and disappointing news this morning, Glossy News publisher Brian White was informed by officials at Harvard University that they had considered his application and had decided they could not accept him for enrollment. Read the full story

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