President-elect Obama today had lunch with four former Presidents- Bush 1 and 2, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. George Bush Sr. from habit wiped his hands with a sanitized wipe after shaking Obama’s hand. All gave him bits of advice from their Presidential experience.

Mini-me Bush showed him the secret drawer on the desk where he could quickly stash his video game if guests arrived unexpectedly. Carter suggested that he not lust in his heart. Clinton suggested he not lust in his pants. Read the full story

The latest round of CableGate documents to filter out from the sexually embattled whistle blower site Wikileaks has Arab leaders in disbelief. According to the published cables, there is a direct connection between the Libyan Leader Muammar* Gadhafi and the United States president Barack Hussein Obama.

Muammar Gaddafi wrote a letter to President Obama pleading for NATO to stop their murderous peace keeping mission attacks. Glossy News was able to get a full transcript of the letter and President Obama’s response:

__________________________________

What up Bo-Rock?

As you may or may not know I am a Libyan citizen who has been an icon of freedom and development for the Libyan people for decades. I recently purchased Xbox 360 and really am enjoying the Xbox live feature.

I’ve been absolutely killing it on Call of Duty: Black Ops. Do you have Xbox live in America, because if you don’t you should have one imported, this [redacted] is the coolest thing I have ever played with, and that is saying something because I often get mistaken for Sherman Hemsley, so people give me a ton of free stuff.

Like just the other day someone gave me this iPhone that plays “Moving On Up” every time I get a call. I am, to be honest, completely shocked that you could even have a song as your ring tone, but am delighted that one so western and non-African can be had for just 99 of your American pennies. Also, thank you again for the aid check, it has really helped out.

Anyways I’m writing to you because I was super tight with Bizzle to-the Clit-town and that funny Bush guy (were there two of them? I got kind of confused because before that Benjamin Button movie came out I was sure they were two people, but now…is he aging in reverse?) and it really seemed like we were hitting it off but then I stopped hearing from you.

So whats been happening with you? Still balling? I once hired Shaq Diesel to rap at my cousin’s birthday party (not worth it, he kept talking about Kobe tasting his butt) so I know a thing or two about the basketball. Anyways, hit me up if you get a second just to catch up.

1,
MO-ME

P.S. I heard NATO was bombing my [redacted]…? Do you know what the f[redacted] NATO is and can you ask them to stop? Can you bomb them?
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Dear Colonel Gaddafi,

Your overly familiar tone is concerning to me. My administration has suggested several times both directly and indirectly that you must vacate your post as the leader of Libya and immediately halt all military action against the citizens of your country.

I know NATO almost like a bully son and his idiot tag-along friends. It loves airplanes, keeps getting in trouble, and costs me a fortune. NATO is a euphemism for the United States when we want to appear as if we are not acting unilaterally in military action. There are several other countries involved, none with the ability to do anything on their own other than call for more US involvement. They barely cover gas money and rarely offer to help, unless you count sending trained monkeys in from Morocco.

Our campaign to dismantle your ability to harm the citizens of Libya will continue until you surrender, or are killed. If you haven’t seen the news recently, we’re doing that again. Face shots this time, quite painless.

Please, the American people urge you to step down and bring an immediate end to the civil war in your country.

Warmest Regards,

President Barack Obama

P.S. Of course Call of Duty is awesome, and of course we have an Xbox here. What do you think this is, Libya?

* Editorial Note: My spell check didn’t like Muammar, and suggested instead I use Mammary. This led to a terse office meeting, but we decided against mammary by a 5-4 vote.

A virulent outbreak of rabies was reported today at Fox News Headquarters. The horrible madness inducing disease appears to have spread through the top hosts of the station, then been transmitted to station employees and, strangely, even to their listeners. The initiation of the epidemic seems to have started with Sean Hannity who, in the middle of his show, started foaming at the mouth.

“This was nothing unusual with him.” stated Red Bigneck. Read the full story

US Secretary of Sleaze Hilarious Rodent Clinton’s eleven-day tour of Darkest Africa took in seven AIDS-ravaged countries across the malfunctional continent. Read the full story

Phuket, Thailand – Hillary Clinton angrily announced yesterday from Phuket (pronounced “fuh-ket” or alternatively “Phuket”), that she’s had it with North Koreans, likening them to little children demanding attention. Read the full story

Washington – In his first in-depth interview since the election, former President Bill Clinton said he warned Mrs. Clinton early on that she needed to project a tougher image to attract independents. Read the full story