Tag Archive | "Banking"

Consumers Wowed by PNC “Free iPad” Promotion


Consumer circles are going wild over a new promotion being offered by PNC Bank to first-time clients who opt to open an account with the nationwide financial company.

Anyone who pays a non-refundable, $700 bank fee under the promotion is eligible to receive an Apple iPad, absolutely free of charge.

“What we are shooting for here is great value in every new customer’s experience with PNC Bank,” said Mark Maners, PNC’s chief marketing operative. Read the full story

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Housewives Ruin Dinner and the Economy


Housewives forgetting vital ingredients for dinner are costing supermarket chains and the world economy billions of dollars every year. A new study released today has revealed a damaging portrayal of housewives and how they are single-handedly ruining the world economy. Read the full story

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Bank Deemed ‘Too Big to Succeed’


NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Analysts predict a drop in equity markets this week, in the wake of unexpected SEC announcements. Investment giant Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, long a Wall Street presence, is to be liquidated.

The word came from Under Assistant Treasury Secretary David Cassidy today, simultaneous with deployment of the SEC’s elite SWAT CPA force. Cassidy predicted the G&R perimeter would be secured quickly, and then detailed the reasons behind the operation. Read the full story

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Old Man Potter Saves Bedford Falls from Subprime Lender, Bailey


BEDFORD FALLS, IN (GlossyNews) — Five more financial institutions were closed this week by federal regulators, bringing the total number of U.S. failed banks this year to 140, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation said. OneWest Bank was the first casualty of the morning. More surprising was the announcement that officials had seized the assets of and shuttered the Bailey Savings & Loan in Bedford Falls. Read the full story

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Special Hell for CEOs Created


God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO’s and other business leaders who have helped to create the present worldwide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn’t stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willingly agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis). In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title ‘Raising Hell’ created the following new sectors, much on the order of a really unpleasant theme park: Read the full story

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America Citizens Revolt: Dismantle Executives


Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — The citizens of the United States today in a mass movement became the largest bank in the world. Strapped with the responsibility of saving huge financial institutions from insolvency and the auto industry as well as a number of other enterprises, the public finally collectively decided to incorporate themselves.

Demanding a return for their hard-earned taxes, the people insisted that the institutions pay an interest rate of 15% Read the full story

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Sioux Tribe to Attack Wall Street from Within


It has recently been reported that the Lower Brule Sioux tribe of South Dakota has purchased the Wall Street investment firm Westrock Group. This marks the first instance of a Native American organization diversifying out of the gambling, jewelry and blanket markets.

Tribal spokesperson Oscar Get Many Ponies Leibowicz justified the $700 million purchase by stating that the tribe is fighting a 40% unemployment rate, decreased demand for Sioux blankets and jewelry, and lower profits from their Golden Buffalo Casino. Read the full story

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