WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) – In a relentless and seemingly oxymoronic trend, more and more politicians are campaigning – successfully – on a platform of distrust of government officials. Various party primaries held in several states have shown a tendency for voters to respond enthusiastically to propaganda that portrays all politicians as soulless, parasitic hellspawn who want nothing more than to violate the rights and compromise the safety of the American people in general. This occurs despite the fact that the campaigners themselves often closely resemble their own derogatory depictions of the typical congress-creature. Inexplicably, the recent status quo indicates that the more a politician derides politics as a whole, the more successful they are in their political ventures. Analysts are stymied in their efforts to comprehend this bizarre trend and have tentatively arrived at the hypothesis that “people are dumb as dirt…will vote for whoever shovels the most crap down their throats.”
In a related topic, the popular candidates on both sides of the spectrum have invested significant effort in their official excuses in preparation for their prospective terms in office. Among the most popular themes are “My Incompetence and Corruption Are Nothing Compared to What Those Dang Democrats Are Doing to the Sanctity of Marriage” and “I Would Have Followed Through on the Outrageously Radical Promises Made During My Campaign, But I’ve Just Been Buried In Paperwork.”