Tag Archive | "Alaska"

Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia


In a clever, sage move by president elect Donald Trump, Alaska will be returned to Russia on January 21st, 2017. “We stole these lands and they have to go back to their rightful owners.”

The United States purchased Alask from Russia in 1867 for the staggering sum of $7.2 million. Russia had territorial claim, but no real settlement, so the transfer was seen as a win-win, unaware of the future geo-political implications.

“We don’t even use it,” said Trump. “What’s it for? Sure there’s some oil and penguins up there, but they aren’t like us. Just because you’re Nanook doesn’t mean you live in my north.” Read the full story

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Obama Renames Mount McKinley “Caitlyn”


President Obama announced this Sunday that he is officially changing the name of Mount McKinley in Alaska, to Caitlyn, via his 1, 079th executive order since taking office in 2009.

The mountain formally known as McKinley, at 20,320 feet, is the tallest in North America, and has been referred to in the feminine by Alaskans for years. Caitlyn is an Athabascan word that means, “the highest mountain without a peak.” Read the full story

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Confessions of a Former Sarah Palin Supporter


Yes, it is true.
I voted for Sarah Palin.
No, not when she was running for Vice President.
Way back when she was running for governor of Alaska.
Posters of her were everywhere in the 49th state.
She seemed genuine, wholesome, the real thing.
Not to mention cute as hell. Read the full story

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State Mottos Change in Several States This Year to Attract Tourism


States are constantly re-inventing themselves this time of year, vying for tourist dollars. The better the state motto on license plates and brochures, the more interest they can garner, which translates into more visitors come spring and summer.

Still, some states never get it. Try as they might, their states just aren’t so great, and they ultimately end up with mediocre mottos. Here are some of our favorites of the new batch. Read the full story

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Alaska, All The Reasons Convicts Want To Live Here!


Alaska is the land of pristine beauty, untouched by humankind, except for those dirty Russians, Sarah Palin, Exxon-Mobil, and the random arctic hillbilly hiding out from the federal government. But there are plenty of reasons to live here, and rather than tell you what they are, we’re just going to provide a photograph and call that good enough. Read the full story

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Sad, Non-Swing States Desperate for Campaign Funds


With an estimated $2billion in campaign cash being spent around the country, economies are suffering in non-swing states.

Marketers from the nation’s bluest and reddest states are making fevered pitches with just weeks to go until election day, and some of them are pretty desperate to bring in even the first few dirty dollars.

“Mitt Romney launched a major ad blitz in eight key battleground states… two ads apiece in Colorado, Florida, Iowa, North Carolina and Ohio; three separate ads in Virginia; and one ad in Nevada and New Hampshire.” Yahoo News – September 7, 2012 Read the full story

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Kate Gosselin Prefers Camping Down Under to Palin’s Alaska


It took mere seconds into the filming of a camping trip in Australia for Kate Gosselin of Kate Plus 8 to make it quite clear that the outdoors she and the kiddies experienced in Australia was far superior and way more enjoyable than that introduced to them in Alaska as guests of Sarah Palin.

“Finally,” said Gosselin after climbing out of her spacious tent in the Outback, “I can show the world that I’m not a sniveling, whining princess who can’t survive in the wilderness.” Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Seeks Charity to Pay for Kids’ Braces


Sarah Palin recently went on Fox News and publicly admitted that she could use some help in paying for her kids’ dental expenses. “Do you even know how much a set of braces costs these days?” asked Palin as she made her case for asking folks who impersonate her to help shoulder some of the financial burden of raising kids in today’s economy. Read the full story

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Into The Semi-Wild- An Alaskan Adventure


This is a record of a noble experiment conducted by me, rfreed. With this journal I will record my experiences of the next month over Christmas vacation during which time I will be alone in a cabin in the woods outside of Fairbanks, Alaska. In this period I will pursue the purifying of my mind and spirit as can only happen in true solitude and quiet. I hope in this time to break down the many walls between my soul and my true self and to attain lasting inner peace. I also want to forget about women, especially since they are the surest way to lose inner peace. Read the full story

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Something Unspeakable Happening On the AK Coast


Cordova, Alaska 8:35 AM- There has been an apparent series of attacks on residents in the small Alaska coastal town of Cordova, approximately 100 miles south of Valdez, Alaska. More on this as we get it.

BREAKING NEWS: Cordova, Alaska 8:50 AM- Anchorage radio station AUNK has reported that the local police in Cordova, Alaska have been alerted to a series of attacks on citizens in various parts of the town that may be coordinated. Individuals appear to have been attacked by unknown assailants in numerous attacks. There is rumor that this could a form of terrorist attack. Read the full story

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Glossy News Implicated In Wikileaks Treason Scandal


Office Of Homeland Security,
Washington, D.C.

To the Editor Brian K. White,

In the latest Wikileaks exposure, a document has been released that we find to be very disturbing. It is a missive sent via what are supposed to be classified channels from one of your ‘staff’, a Mr. Rfreed, to the Republican spokeswoman Sarah Palin. Read the full story

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Palin Develops Warts On Her Nose- Her Career Tanks


In a horrifying situation that would destroy the morale of many political pundits, Republican spokeswoman Sarah Palin has developed hideous warts on her face. Since their appearance Ms. Palin’s polls have dropped drastically.

Statisticians estimate that the normally sexy and attractive outspoken Republican mouthpiece has lost 90% of her loyal following do to this cosmetic detraction. The warts began to appear shortly after her huge effort stumping for the most extreme right wing candidates she could find in the mid-term elections. Read the full story

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Politicos Recovering After Freak Grizzly Attacks


SAN FRANCISCO, CA. (GN) —Glossy News Over the past several weeks, there have been reports of a number of unknown female grizzly attacks.

These reports are from Utah, Washington, California, Delaware, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Georgia, New Hampshire, West Virginia and South Carolina. They all state that female grizzlies have attacked local politicians, mostly Republicans, in out-of-the-way shopping mall parking lots. Read the full story

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Moose Take Aim on Chickenhawk Ted Nugent


POINT BARROW, Alaska (GlossyNews) — Local Alaskan law enforcement agencies were shocked recently to learn of a plot by local moose to do in redneck rocker Ted Nugent during a concert here. The normally quiet, vegetarian moose have been in a tither since his concert posters were first put up. Their anger is over the fact that the long haired and semi psychopathic Nugent is a famous hunter as well, one who seems to deem it an almost religious undertaking.

“The shooting of animals for sport and meat is a God given virtue that He has given unto man. We are meant to have dominion over the earth and its denizens. That means we have the right to blow them into teensy little pieces if we want to.” Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Blames Drill Baby Drill Comments on Evil Twin


Wasilly, AK (GlossyNews) -– Finally, what the American people have been waiting for from Sarah Palin, the truth. No longer do we have to guess why she would backtrack on her famous “Drill, Baby, Drill” comment when, in fact, it wasn’t she who said it.

“I have an evil twin, Sally, who is responsible for most of the awful things that come out of my mouth,” said Sarah in a recent tweet. “I’ve known about Sally for quite some time, but thought that if I told anyone about it, they’d think I was crazy, so I’ve just kept mum about it and took the heat. Read the full story

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Largest Ever Coprolites Found Half Buried in Palin’s Back Yard


Last week, while Sarah Palin was busy making her rounds on the Tea Party circuit, expounding her views on who is and who is not a true Patriot, a group of Palintologists were busy digging up dirt in Palin’s own back yard. Reports are slowly coming in from Wasilla that one of the largest coprolites ever found was dug up just feet from Sarah’s back porch.

When Palin was advised of the find, she is reported as saying “I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I don’t have any corporate executives buried in my back yard, for heaven’s sake.”

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