TEHRAN, Iran – Future suicide bombers around the globe woke up with a jolt today, when they realized they faced a surprising religious announcement from a leading Iranian cleric. No, it wasn’t the sound of their vests exploding, but it was just as startling for them considering the ramifications.

The Super Exclusively Grand Ayatollah in Iran acknowledged that the supposed 72 Virgins waiting in Heaven for any departed suicide bomber who has chosen the path of martyrdom are not always young. He also added with a grimace that they also aren’t always girls. Read the full story

WEST CHESTER, PA. – The civilized world was gobsmacked yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin. If your brain hurts from trying to cope with the notion that there are fewer people in heaven than there are in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, try coping with this instead: if fewer than one one-bazillionth of one percent of all the people who have ever lived were good enough to get into heaven, you’re probably screwed. Read the full story

What kind of Question is this? Are you Nuts? You might as well as ask a windy person, say, what’s the answer to: what’s the ultimate goal in life? why are we here? what’s the meaning of life? and so forth. Don’t you all find it rather Sisyphean to ask such question considering how all those before you weren’t able to find an “answer” to this intractable philosophical, theological inquire. Read the full story