In the news...
Snore-a-Scopes (horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. Even YOU, ya super snorin', over/under sleeping (hyper?)insomniac...
Dec 6, 2003, 07:51
Elvis Sighting at Macy's
A man fitting the description of Elvis Presley was seen Saturday afternoon at Macy's. While we at Glossy News normaly refrain from exploiting dead celebrities, we're certain the King of Rock & Roll is alive, as he ripped off an entire deli tray at our office Christmas party in 1998. He was supposed to be filling our stockings with drugs...
Dec 4, 2003, 07:15
Penguin Probing Alleges Leakage
The Department of Penguin Justice launched a full scale investigation into what it believes are leakage points in the national protection moat. The nation is now on a Level Mauve penguin terror alert. If you observe any suspicious penguin activity, contact the authorities immediately.
Dec 3, 2003, 07:24
Turkey Unpardons Turkey
The First Turkey unpardons the Thanksgiving Day Turkey, on the suspicion Second Turkey is terrorist. The pardon was issued null and void on the suspicion that Stars is a covert Al Qaeda operative.
Nov 28, 2003, 08:30
Tarot Deck Accurately Predicts 1974: Scientists Baffled!
Psychic or Charlatan? Using a Ride Waite tarot deck manufactured in 1968, Leroi McCaroni, a prominent New Orleans psychic, has astounded research scientists by predicting with 100% accuracy events that actually occurred in 1974.
Nov 26, 2003, 08:16
Megaman Kills Last Penguin, Tells Capcom to "Kiss Off"
Citing irreconcilable differences with Capcom, Megaman left his employee ID card on the roof of the corporation’s headquarters this week, leaving one of the most lucrative video game hero careers in history for the pursuit of a culinary career.
Nov 25, 2003, 07:33
Slut 2.0 Introduces Hot-Swappable Ports
On the eve of release, designers and critics alike are praising the much anticipated release of the newest version of Slut. Whether you are a casual user or a diehard Slut enthusiast, the robust build promises a hole new experience in high speed access.
Nov 24, 2003, 05:20
From Archives; Real Life X-Files, Get XXX-Rating
In a bizarre development in the war on terrorism, it has been claimed that the CIA has revived its paranormal research program in a desperate attempt to locate Osama bin Laden.
Nov 22, 2003, 11:46
Bush Down For The Hood, Vows to Boost Cluck Market
President Bush plan to allocate $18 million to struggling drug dealers. “Young people are struggling to make ends meet by selling prescription pills one at a time. That's not the American way. We need to get these dealers back on the streets with some boo-ya inventories."
Nov 21, 2003, 08:29
Microsoft Develops Loc Service Demon
Microsofts new MAUL 1000 is a fully-automated customer service mainframe that removes all humans from customer interface. While nobody is going to miss the inept yet completely incompetent telephone support geeks, the new system is displaying a few nasty, doomsday tendencies. Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
Nov 20, 2003, 08:00
BinGO Xtreme Headlines ESPN2's New Lineup
ESPN2 announced its new program lineup today, hoping to attract a wider audience to the content-starved channel. The shows will redefine "sport" as we know it.
Nov 19, 2003, 08:25
Man Moves to Utah for the Loose Women
Ricky Morgan of Kentucky decided last week he's moving to Utah in hopes to “get me a bunch of bitches.” Morgan, a self proclaimed “Ladies Man,” is fascinated by the idea of having several wives, and is heading to the Land of Bigamy to live out his dream. Sadly, he's never actually SEEN a Mormon woman before.
Nov 18, 2003, 08:30
Surfer Loses Mouth In Bizarre Accident
In yet another bizarre story of partially eaten surfers, California surf king Michael Castado is fighting for his life in hospital this morning, after a seemingly routine wind-surfing jaunt turned into a limb-flapping, flesh-consuming horror.
Nov 17, 2003, 07:02
New Rumsfeld Memo Leaked
Another Rumsfeld memo has been leaked by a White House intern. In it, the Defense Secretary muses on war, lies, and Saddam envy. Is this the beginning of the end for Ol' Donald, or is he really "The One"?
Nov 14, 2003, 08:30
Stop Feeding Your Big Fat Face, You Tub Of Lard!
In an exlusive interview, weight gain/loss/gain/loss/gain expert Oprah Winfrey talks about successful ways for adding and shedding hundreds of pounds WITHOUT expensive diet pills, stomach staples or industrial liposuction.
Nov 13, 2003, 07:30
Couple Admits Enjoying Carrot Top Commercials
Bill and Carol Adams of North Dakota recently admitted during a dinner party that they enjoy TV commercials by “that red headed phone-commercial guy.” “Um, yeah, they're pretty good…I guess,” said one guest, as another tried frantically to change the subject.
Nov 12, 2003, 07:26
From the Archives; Ron Jeremy's Stunt Man Captured
Saturday a raid was executed in Rawalpindi Pakistan in which the stunt man of famed porn star Ron Jeremy was taken in to US custody
Nov 11, 2003, 09:13
Badgers Badger Britain
The past week has seen amazing scenes of rural carnage unfold across Britain, as frenzied mobs of villagers have attacked badger setts and savagely beaten and killed their apparently harmless black and white occupants.
Nov 11, 2003, 06:06
Our Baby Is a Clone
A Mississippi couple, Bill and Raylene Jones, announced that their newborn is, in fact, a clone. Unlike the infamous Raelian sect-linked company Clonaid that recently announced its own cloned baby, but refused to provide proof, the Jones' produced their baby through their own "in-house" cloning methodology.
Nov 10, 2003, 07:33
Who Got Benny Hill's Porn Stash?
In the ten years since the tragic death of saucy comedian Benny Hill, one question has continued to perplex his family and friends - just what did happen to Benny’s porn stash?
Nov 8, 2003, 11:10
Confused Howard Dean Campaigns for Enola Gay Rights
Apparently confusing the Enola Gay, the B-29 bomber that dropped the first atomic bomb, with the homo politically correct term “gay”, Democratic presidential frontrunner Howard Dean pledged to protect Enola Gay rights during a speech in San Francisco yesterday.
Nov 7, 2003, 08:40
Review: "Humongous Ta-Ta's 3"...uh..."Scary Movie 3"
Scary Movie 3 opens with Jenny McCarthy and Pam Anderson, who coincidentally enough shared the starring roles in my dream last night, in a room talking about a videotape that causes you to die seven days after you watch it. Sound familiar?
Nov 6, 2003, 12:33
Sun Harboring WMD, Coalition to Launch Attack
Recent solar activity from Sunspot 486 has prompted President Bush to declare the Sun a threat to the US. The President has authorized an interstellar attack against the evil fireball, and requests Americans everywhere to donate as much SPF-8,000,000 as they can.
Nov 6, 2003, 07:15
Local Man Subject of Probe
In this era of rampant terrorism, people can't even go to the mall without facing the latest in terrorist-fighting security tools. Think your 'package' is just gonna be X-rayed? Think again!
Nov 5, 2003, 10:30
Kobe Claims Woman Agreed To "Consensual Rape"
In a stunning interview with ESPN correspondent Robin Roberts yesterday, NBA star Kobe Bryant, standing trial for sexually assaulting a 19-year-old resort worker, admitted his act was indeed rape. However, Bryant maintains the rape was completely consensual.
Nov 4, 2003, 15:30
Decorative Basket Capital #1 in Male Suicides
Dresden, Ohio, the official “Basket Capital of the World”, has capitalized on it's fame by combining miserable husbands, suicides and designer basket-urns...they're to die for!
Nov 4, 2003, 09:23
12 Year-Old Siezes Oil Platform
A four-man Navy SEAL Team led by a 12 year-old boy re-captured an Iraqi oil platform from Saddam loyalists yesterday, striking another major, though obviously the same, blow to guerilla forces in Iraq.
Nov 3, 2003, 09:49
"I don't foul myself at night since getting corporate money..."
President George W. Bush says that giving up heavy drug use, humility and taking up dyslexic junkies has changed his short, brutish life. "I tell you frogs, folks - the pleasure of waking up and finding that I have not fouled myself with feces is very ready.... up... long out!"
Nov 1, 2003, 09:08
COSTUME REPORT - Jimmy, The Peep Show JizzMopper
Man, there's nothing like working in the adult entertainment industry...hot chics, quivering flesh, various discharges of a viscous nature. A smart young man can really clean up in this jiggling, juicy environment.
Oct 31, 2003, 15:00
Jim Morrison's Corpse Faces Rape Charge
A California woman in Paris to visit the grave of Jim Morrison has filed charges against the deceased singer, accusing him of rape. Renowned lawyer Johnnie Cochran will defend the dead rocker, and was quoted as saying, "Are you high on crack? The man's DEAD!"
Oct 31, 2003, 09:30
Fat Office Lady Dresses as Fat TV Lady
"It was so surprising," said coworker Adam Finley. "Every year she surprises us, and this year was no exception." Becky Bettenfield, of Purdy Daniel Affiliates has been dressed as a fat lady from TV for the last 14 years, it's only a matter of which fat lady she wishes to be this year.
Oct 31, 2003, 07:10
COSTUME REPORT - Queen of Cell Block C
Don't it just warm your heart to know that prisoners get not only three square meals a day, cable TV, and fine jobs making license plates, but they also get their own governing body and legalized rape system? AND some fine, orange-colored prison jumpsuits? Sweeeet!
Oct 30, 2003, 15:30
Door-to-Doorascopes (Halloween Horrorscopes)
Halloween Horroscopes: Consult the stars to find what your trick-or-treating future holds. Candy, gum, rocks, razors, a hot babe in a latex devil's outfit and a battery-operated pitchfork...it's all in the stars!
Oct 30, 2003, 08:21
COSTUME REPORT - Hush Little Choir Boy, Don't You Cry
Never mind the Ninja Turtle, Spiderman, Hulk, SpongeBob Squarepants and Anne Nicole Smith costumes! If you want some REAL treats, you'll dress up they way Father O'Malley suggests...
Oct 29, 2003, 15:19
"Other" Site Runs Biased, Incomplete and Frankly Broken Article
On October 23rd an article on Broken News appeared about how confusing baseball is across Europe. With harsh writer bias and numerous errors and omissions, I fail to see how this ever slipped by the handsome satire magnate Bill Doty.
Oct 29, 2003, 10:15
Razor Blade Sales Down Despite Halloween
Despite Halloween being just a few days away, razor blade sales have continued to slump on poor economic forecasts. Additionally, hypodermic needle and glass shard demand remain at an all-time low. What kind of holiday has this become??
Oct 29, 2003, 07:30
COSTUME REPORT - The Human Popsicle
A clever yet simple costume that's selling like mad this year. Yes, that's right, the human popsicle. Not raspberry nor chocolate (well, OK, in special cases you might say so...let's just leave that alone for now...)
Oct 28, 2003, 14:48
Safe Halloween? Personal Body Armor Costumes Are FUN!
What are this year's Halloweeners wearing? They're wearing the finest in protective costume-wear or nothing at all. And that means Kevlar-Only costumes for this year's fashionable candy-monger.
Oct 28, 2003, 08:32
COSTUME REPORT - Martha Stewart Inmate Collection
Being on a prisoner's budget doesn't mean giving up feeling fashionable. Today's penitentiaries offer a veritable cornucopia of costumes for Halloween. Just believe and you can do it!
Oct 27, 2003, 14:15
Crips, Bloods Deployed to Dis 'Ssein Clucks
The US has decided to intensify the effort to root out the remaining Hussein loyalists in Baghdad by injecting America's highest-trained urban warfare personnel: the Crips, The Bloods, NS-13 and the 18th Street Gang. Whadup, 'Ssein-man?
Oct 27, 2003, 08:05
Sunday Funnies: Tank McNamara (sort of)
Hey Kids! Do you love sports as much as we do? Does Daddy send you outside to play whenever women's tennis is on? Wanna find out why? You bet you do!!
Oct 26, 2003, 08:22
Halloween Candy Special Report
Is yours the house that, year after year, gets egged, soaped, t.p.'d, spray-painted, set on fire or surrounded by an angry horde of little costumed terrorists? No? Then try some of these carefully selected trick-or-treater hand-outs ~
Oct 25, 2003, 08:35
COSTUME REPORT - Ultra Creepy Ghost
Imagine a ghost that's both visible and tangible. Imagine a ghost that anyone can see, that looks just like a normal man. Imagine a ghost so real, so life-like, he could pass for one of us. Imagine he's looking over your shoulder right now...
Oct 24, 2003, 12:00
Drinking and Driving Overrated
I may never comprehend...couldn't even keep my head on straight enough to try. Eventually nothing else mattered...still content with my drinking...oblivious to everything else...good times in the testing lab, bad times for the road.
Oct 24, 2003, 08:31
COSTUME REPORT - The Divorced Man
You're never too old for trick-or-treating ~ ~ This years most popular costume for middle-aged men can be made up of things he's already got...no money, no kids, no house, no future...and a custom-made midlife crisis. Scary? You bet!
Oct 23, 2003, 11:00
Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone
The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol.
Oct 23, 2003, 07:14
COSTUME REPORT - Moving Targets
The D.C. snipers are on trial, and John Allen Muhammad decided that defending himself isn't such a swift idea, despite historical data saying that one in every eighteen kajillion self-defenders win their cases. So, what better time to make tasteless halloween sniper jokes for profit?
Oct 22, 2003, 15:04
The True Story Behind The Downfall Of Olestra
Six years ago, Olestra was born, and life as we knew it changed dramatically. Olestra allowed people to eat a bag of potato chips and gain only two pounds instead of five. Unfortunately, the remaining three pounds tended to exit the body uncontrollably in the form of Rectus Eruptus Maximus.
Oct 22, 2003, 10:20
Longtime Pooh Friend, Piglet, Hideously Butchered
Christopher Robin, the local mentally disturbed man who for years believed a pig at his family's farm was sentient, finally snapped back into reality last week and butchered his friend and longtime swine companion, known to residents as "Piglet".
Oct 22, 2003, 07:38
Bush Devises Cunning Covert Plan
Early this morning the venerable President Bush announced a new covert operation plan, allegedly devised by the President himself. Though he was unavailable for comment, no one else was willing to take even an ounce of credit for it.
Oct 21, 2003, 13:53
Shaq Signs Deal For $850M, California
The ever rising cost of securing the services of a high profile professional athlete may have escalated out of control this weekend with the signing of marquee center Shaquille O'Neal by the Los Angeles Clippers.
Oct 21, 2003, 07:30
COSTUME REPORT - Corporate Raiders of the Lost Stock
Oh, these dastardly powermongers! Imagine the terrifying power of those who single-handedly destroy and devalue billions of dollars of hard-working, honest stockholders and employees.
Oct 20, 2003, 15:30
Blaine Gets Whiff of British Cuisine, Vows to Starve To Death
After briefly ending his 44-day starvation stunt, illusionist David Blaine willfully retreated back to his Plexiglas box for another 44 days. Blaine, who emerged from his suspended enclosure Sunday in London, took a deep breath then immediately retreated back into his box after catching a whiff British cuisine.
Oct 20, 2003, 10:16
Rush Says Reefer High an Oxymoron; Morons Disagree
Over 20 million Americans enthusiastically enjoy the effects of marijuana each year. Still, incendiary radio personality, Rush Limbaugh refers to the drug as "hype in a pipe", and insists a reefer buzz is nothing compared to....uhhhh...ha-ha-ha-ha!...what?
Oct 20, 2003, 07:30
Waves of Weirdness - Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc Fish
Being the head honcho of anything that involves a group of people larger than, say, two, can make a person susceptible to all kind of brainwave distortions, and it seems the longer you’re in charge, and the bigger the group, the bigger these brain palpitations can be. Reverend Doc takes a look at his own temporal load transmissions in this week's Savin' Souls With Rev. Doc Fish.
Oct 19, 2003, 11:37
Arizona Man Hasn't Had ANY Phone Call In 39 Years
In this day and age where telemarketers are granted permission to call households at will, you would think Harold Hendricks would have been deluged with calls. After all, he's had the same phone number for 39 years, is listed in the phonebook consistently, and is on a number of mailing lists.
Oct 18, 2003, 21:51
GOP Shocked By New Gropenator Allegations
Two weeks after their landslide win in the Califonia recall vote, GOP leaders are expressing dismay over newly released allegations of sexual misconduct by Governor Elect Terminator, AKA "The Governator", AKA "The Gropenator".
Oct 17, 2003, 15:00
'Brothers in Peace' Leaders to be Executed
An unprecedented joint Israeli and Palestinian court sentences the leaders of Brothers in Peace to death. Finally something both Israelis and Palestinians can rejoice over!
Oct 17, 2003, 07:54
Couch Potatos! Make Money Doing Nothing
Say, are you one of the millions of lazy bastards born in the '60's, still living at home, waking up at the crack of noon every day just to watch TV or decide if today's the day you take a shower? Then this new money-making program is for YOU!
Oct 16, 2003, 15:00
Cubs Lose, Cosmos Safe
After trailing the series 3-1 to the Chicago Cubs, the Florida Marlins save planet Earth from certain destruction by beating the Lovable Losers and advancing to the World Series.
Oct 16, 2003, 08:00
Canadian Financial Tsunami Unnoticed
After nine years of service, the Canadian Minster of Finance has been given the ax for reasons unbeknownst to himself, the cabinet and apparently also the Canadian Prime Minister, who offered only "I'm not sure what him leaving is all aboot, eh?"
Oct 15, 2003, 08:18
Russia Launches First Yak Into Space
Russia, out-classed by China's foray into the space biz, disgraced with budgetary shortfalls on the ISS project and their failure to produce a viable shuttle has decided to boldly go where no yak has gone before.
Oct 14, 2003, 15:32
Kobe Bryant Stars; "Who Wants to be F'd Real Hard"
A surprise newcomer to the world of off-color reality programming, PAX tv is set to change their image. The new show, rumored to star NBA star and diamond-buying rapist Kobe Bryant is already in the works.
Oct 14, 2003, 05:57
Babies-To-Go™ Franchises Closed by FTC
The well thought out business called Babies-To-Go™ was officially closed last Monday. The two tiered business offered both attractive baby rental as well as purchase programs.
Oct 14, 2003, 04:06
Weed Overrated Says Limbaugh
NEW YORK CITY - Over 20 million Americans enthusiastically enjoy the effects of marijuana each year. Its overwhelming popularity can be attributed to the hardiness of its plant source and an exceptionally devoted consumer base.
Oct 13, 2003, 23:50
New Weapons System: Too Smart
The Modern Ordnance Reinvestment Official Network (MORON) at the Pentagon announced today that its new "smart missiles" are being "withdrawn for more study".
Oct 13, 2003, 08:43
7th Inning Apocalypse - Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc
It's fall, even in South Florida, and that means such fall classics as college football, Sunday NFL, the World Series and the end of life as we know it. The Apocalypse could come before thousands of cheering fans at Wrigley or Fenway, and it could make for an ugly game. Reverend Doc pitches up some spiritual sliders in this week's Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc Fish.
Oct 12, 2003, 11:32
Kids Love Komix; It's Peanuts... kinda
Hey kids, do you love Peanuts? We don't have the salty snack, but we do have some rare behind the scenes footage for you. Good grief, Charlie Brown!
Oct 12, 2003, 08:24
Exploding Monk Showers Crowd With Pins
Death swooped on China's capital city last night, when a monk broke his 15-year meditation in a deadly fashion. Min Padgea had sat cross-legged in Kung Po Church for a decade and a half, in protest at the government's banning of pencil cases in schools.
Oct 11, 2003, 09:14
I Fear I'm Becoming A Pirate
As we get older, we all experience change. Some subtle, others monumental. Yeah, I'm bigger. Yep, stronger too... But now my hair is turning red?
Oct 10, 2003, 20:01
E-Z Guide to Religious Recruiting Methods
The Church Of England's bearded, hippy pacifist, homosexual friendly, Welsh druid as its new Archbishop of Canterbury - seems a desperate attempt to appear 'relevant' and modern in attracting new followers.
Oct 10, 2003, 15:46
WMD Overstock; Buy Now While Prices Last
In response to criticism for failure to evidence actual Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, the United States has just publicized an auction of weaponry to ordinary citizens, corporations and foreign interests. Chemicals, biohazards and savings galore!
Oct 10, 2003, 08:25
Pets Figure In Gender Balance
Having suffered as the only 'xx' in a household full of 'xy's, Virginia Smart of R.I. announced family gender rebalancing through pets. "I had household gender balance once before, but things happen...you take on a partner of the opposite gender, have another kid, of the opposite gender, and before you know it - bang, it's 3 males to one female. No good. I was feeling oppressed."
Oct 9, 2003, 15:34
Suicide Bomber to be Cloned For Execution
Following last months bombing outside a city building in Jerusalem, state officials have completed their lengthy trial of Abdar Mohoosher and have determined the best fitting punishment.
Oct 9, 2003, 08:05
NAACP Declares Kidnapping Race Biased Crime
With the numbers of child abduction cases across the country on the rise, serious charges have been raised by leaders in the black community. They are strongly suggesting that these men are guilty of far worse crimes beyond the obvious charges.
Oct 8, 2003, 17:42
Girl Sent Home From School, Not Looking "Trashy" Enough
This Week, Wilmington Middle School Student Council voted eleven to nothing to send Irene Sullivan home for not adhering to the school's stringent "trashy dress code."
Oct 8, 2003, 06:45
Child Star Search Full of Old People
Saw ads for a "child star" search and decided to tune in, you know, check it out. What a mockery on show business this is. All I saw was old people, like five to twelve years of geriatric age.
Oct 7, 2003, 16:03
Amazing X-10 Buys Yahoo for Cash
In a surprising, last minute bid, this week Amazing X-10 Camera Corp of Modesto California announced the success of their $84 Billion cash deal to acquire Yahoo.com.
Oct 7, 2003, 14:31
Math Doctorate Disproves Late Fees
After a two-hour presentation early Thursday, James VanDerBerger successfully disproved $140 in Washington Mutual Bank late fees. "I knew it could be done," VanDerBerger told waiting reporters, "but it wasn't easy."
Oct 7, 2003, 08:08
She-Devil Death In Minneapolis Courtroom
Greed, a gun, and a bitch prove to be a explosive combination. This has “based on a true story” written all over it. Let's hope Nicole Kidman stars. Or Mary Carey.
Oct 6, 2003, 14:55
Handsome Latin Athlete "Had Enough Tang"
Since emigrating from Brazil in 1998 Emelio LaFeurre estimates he's had no fewer than 2,000 sexual partners, and frankly, he's had enough. "I've got the accent, the olive skin, I speak French, I'm tall and a professional soccer play. It's frustrating to go out in public.
Oct 6, 2003, 08:55
Komix 4 Kids! Time for your favorite ZIGGY!
Don't mistake him for any other, this is your old pal Ziggy! Come on kids, learn something new about your hero and join in the fun!
Oct 5, 2003, 09:45
Total Bore-ascopes (horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be... even if we bore you to tears...
Oct 4, 2003, 09:34
Bare Breast Banter Bridged With Beer
Blonde Dr. Bacardi Breezer has shocked the world with her theory on how booze can help men do a Shania Twain and "really feel like a woman". It has nothing to do with having the decorators in once a month. Dr Breezer's controversial theory centers on two separate areas of the brain, and bridging them with massive quantities of alcohol.
Oct 3, 2003, 08:39
Study Finds "Flintstone's Kids" Numbers Diminishing
"Flintstone's Kids", once numbering around 10 million, were placed on the endangered species list by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Tuesday.
Oct 2, 2003, 09:04
Bassist Entwistle Died From Simultanious Blows
The cause of death for the Who's legendary bass player, John Entwistle, was ruled "death due to two simultaneous fatal blows. Put simply, too much blow." However, murder has been ruled out.
Oct 1, 2003, 07:40
Chicago Cubs Make Playoffs; Repent Now
The Chicago Cubs have clinched the NL Central Division title, and are in the hunt for the NL pennant. In other bizarre news, Madonna has released a children's book, Elvis is leading the polls in the California governor's race, and the state of Utah was overtaken by extraterrestrials from the planet Ribeye 4.
Sep 30, 2003, 15:00
Super Sex Supplement Members Out of Control
The Federal Drug Administration today announced an investigation into a herbal sexual supplement that's been linked to massive members running amock across the countryside, and the numbers of deaths across the country is swelling at an alarming rate.
Sep 30, 2003, 08:39
Expanded Personality Types Simplifies Psychiatry
To save time in diagnosing problems or issues, doctors use personality types. The current list of personality types identified to date are as follows...
Sep 29, 2003, 15:30
Bishop Blames Tough Times On Dog Eat Dog Collar World
A shortage of Catholic priests (other than in prison), has caused a drop off in attendance and drastic measures to be taken by high-ranking church officials already preoccupied with raising millions of dollars for their "Maybe Some Money Would Help" abuse funds.
Sep 29, 2003, 08:35
Kids do love Komix! (Not Dilbert, I Swear)
Hey kids and grownups alike, ready to read some hilarity from our old pal Dilbert? No? Good, because this is the next best thing, not copyright infringement at all! Enjoy!
Sep 28, 2003, 08:59
Making War More Affordable For Everyone
The US Congressional Budget Office predicts that the on-going police action in Iraq would cost between $90 and $130 billion more. "It's a real bargain as police actions go," said anonymous defense industry spokesperson, C. Powell. "But it won't be this cheap forever. The government should start the war now to avoid any late season price increases."
Sep 27, 2003, 08:16
Can I Talk to Whoever's in Charge of Wardrobe?
Okay, I'm not trying to be nitpicky, but what on earth is the meaning of this? I look like I dressed myself here people! I mean really! Fire engine shoes? Miniature Elton sunglasses?
Sep 26, 2003, 10:12
Frito Lay Markets The 5-Foot Long Frito
In perhaps the boldest and most cunning marketing idea since "New Coke", Frito Lay has come out with a five-foot long corn chip that is literally flying off the shelves.
Sep 25, 2003, 15:30
Madonna: Slippin' Subversion Down Britney Spears Throat
With a prime-time slip of the tongue, pop-diva Madonna has seduced America’s favorite blossomed child-star into a world of flesh-baring, sex-driven narcissism the likes of which hasn’t been seen since…well, the LAST time Madonna pulled some saliva-based publicity stunt.
Sep 25, 2003, 10:24
Ford Unveils Eco-Friendly Car, Vows Not To Produce
Among the multitudes of new cars announced by Ford this year, one received the most coverage - the Mother Nature. Battery-powered, ecologically safe and operates on pennies a day. Expected production: 1 prototype.
Sep 25, 2003, 06:52
Future News: Remedy For Remedial Bush League
September 11th 2035 - Disgraced ex United States president, George W. Bush is due for release tomorrow after spending the last 20 years behind bars for his role in the illegal invasions of Luxemburg, Spain, Greece, Basutoland, Tibet, The Falkland Islands, Tahiti, The Congo and Monte Carlo earlier this century.
Sep 24, 2003, 15:35
Drug Dealing Actually a Pyramid
Zeek was a normal young man seeking a hookup just two weeks ago, now he faces a dilemma. "I went to my guy and he was like, 'hey, you're a pretty good customer, how would you like to get your stuff at wholesale?' and I was like, 'sure, who wouldn't?' but I knew there was a catch."
Sep 24, 2003, 09:03
Matt Damon Talks & Talks & Talks & Talks & Talks & Talks & Talks About his Career
Actor/entrepreneur/upwardly-mobile/career obsessionist did his four thousandth show recently talking about his career. The program, which enters the Guinness Book of Meaningless and Demeaning Records, was the four thousandth highly personal interview featuring Damon talking about how he made it using personal charm, greed, chicanery, and friend Ben Affleck.
Sep 24, 2003, 03:38
Arafat Thanks Israelis for Demolition
Ramallah, West Bank - In a move that surprised many pundits and politicians, PLO President Yasser Arafat released a statement Sunday thanking the Israeli government for the destruction of the majority of his Ramallah headquarters.
Sep 23, 2003, 17:50
Democrats Lash Out At Presidential Slippers
In what appears to be the latest assault on the President's credibility, Democrats are now questioning when the President knew that one of his aides had tied his blue bedroom slippers late Monday evening, and especially why he told reporters he himself had tied the slippers the day before.
Sep 23, 2003, 15:01
White Haired Lady; Stop Licking Me
Went to the park the other day for a pretty standard writing session and photo shoot, (I do my best thinking outdoors,) when I was summarily accosted by a poofy white-haired old lady.
Sep 23, 2003, 09:30
Woman Sues McDonald's for Super Sizing Husband
McDonald's is facing more legal action from people claiming that they didn't know McDonald's food was unhealthy. Maybe they should be suing their parents for bringing them up all stupid like.
Sep 22, 2003, 13:20
Intestinal Connect-Four Unwise, Unrecommended
I know how the game of Connect-Four is played. You drop in checker after checker at random hoping that they will somehow form a line of four censecutive matching pieces.
Sep 22, 2003, 03:39
Southern Baptists Demand Siemens Change Name
The German engineering firm Siemens has announced it will change the name of one of its US product-lines from "Zyklon." Jewish groups have protested the use of the name, as it coincides with the name of an insecticide used during the later stages of the Nazi Holocaust.
Sep 21, 2003, 14:02
Special Report; How YOU Choose Baby Names
Glossy News knows the struggle you have to find good baby names, so this week, we're giddy as clams to share with you the best information available to help you pick out the name for your precious newcomer.
Sep 20, 2003, 18:51
Four-on-the-Floor-a-Scopes (Hotrod Horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. Even hot-rodding freaks like you, ya guzzler head!
Sep 20, 2003, 15:58
AOL To Remove "AOL" From It's Own Name
Time-Warner, Inc. has tossed the "AOL" portion of it's corporate name like a used condom. AOL vows to continue to pretend it's providing internet access to it's clueless customers "until somebody catches on that they don't really need us."
Sep 19, 2003, 15:00
Bush Caught in Ratings Scandal
In an effort to raise the President's approval ratings, senior Cabinet members were planning to fake the death of Vice-President Dick Cheney, hoping that the American public would believe that Mr. Bush was actually making all his own decisions.
Sep 19, 2003, 07:08
"Crypto-mania" Tour Kicks Off
On September 24th, VH-1's "Cryptomania Tour" will kick off in Cleveland with some of the marquee names in the music business performing together for the first time in decades.
Sep 18, 2003, 15:09
Hurricane Survival: You Shoulda Left, Dumbass!
 |
To wrap yourself as shown:
1: Put leg of sturdy chair through 100' roll of duct tape.
2: Grasp free end of tape in teeth.
3: Start spinning slowly.
4: Continue spinning until roll is depleted.
5: Lay down for 36 hours, see what happens.
Oh, yeah...make sure you eat a hearty meal beforehand, but don't drink too much, 'cause all that pee is gonna gather around your shoulders, then migrate toward your head. And don't, under any circumstances, take a crap. Just think happy thoughts. |
ATTENTION PENDING HURRICANE VICTIMS!
If you're reading this, you're obviously in total denial about your roof blowing off and internet access being temporarily disrupted. Or maybe you're one of those idiots that was on CNN last night saying "Aw, hell, we'll jest ride 'er out!" Good thinking.
Well, kiss everything you have goodbye; plywood over your windows won't do shit, and you've probably already eaten your emergency Oreos. Your only hope is to wrap yourself up in duct tape and pray for you wash up on dry land soon (see hurricane survival photo, right). You'll be protected from the elements, you'll more or less float, and if you die there'll be no messy, bloating body to deal with.
ACT NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
Sep 18, 2003, 10:34
'War On Drugs' Now 'War On Smuggling Seniors'
The U.S. Border Patrol has been authorized to shoot “drug-running criminal seniors” attempting to bring low-priced prescription drubgs across the Canadian border. Canadian Claratin my ass!
Sep 18, 2003, 08:02
Labor Stats Show 'Labor Stats' Top Growing Profession
The Bureau of Labor Statistics announced today that the number one projected growth area for employment in the advancing decade is the up-and-coming field of labor statistics. We were kinda hoping for something in the porn market...
Sep 17, 2003, 14:25
Congress Leads Way in Fleeing Hurricane
With Hurricane Isabel only hours away from a U.S. landfall, Congress today ordered the “immediate evacuation of US congressmen, senators and their drivers” from Washington, D.C., clearing the way for pre-storm bedlam and post-storm looting.
Sep 17, 2003, 11:58
Grandfather Bequeaths Giant Ears
Genetic heirs "less than thrilled", stepson indifferent. Norfolk VA. At the will reading of Walter Heywood beneficiaries felt anything from indifference to disappointment.
Sep 17, 2003, 07:05
Inflation Swells Bill-Head$ Yet Again
Five dollar bill can barely hold an Abe head!" Unemployment has climbed steadily over the last 18 months and stock values have tumbled. United States Federal Reserve spokespeople claim inflation is "in check".
Sep 16, 2003, 12:08
NYC Wins Olympic Bid, San Fran Gets Pride Parade - Again
Ending competition that enraptured the dozens Americans that actually care about the Olympics, the US Olympic Committee announced New York City as their nominee for the 2012 Olympics, beating out San Francisco, again, leaving the City by the Bay with nothing but another fag parade, again.
Sep 16, 2003, 06:47
Girlfriend Has Complex AND Simplex
Since last month when Greg Pitt started dating "Foxy" Roxanne Norton, his friends have known she has a complex. "She's always bearing designer clothes, talking about her weight, money, and accusing (Greg) of being on drugs when he disagrees with her," reports Mary Jane.
Sep 15, 2003, 12:12
Kim Jong-Il Named New L'Oreal Spokesmodel
The international cosmetics and beauty products giant L'Oreal has announced that North Korean President Kim Jong-Il has been named as spokesmodel for their new campaign.
Sep 15, 2003, 08:24
Kids Love Komix! Oh, and this ain't the Lockhorns
Hey kids, who's ready for the Sunday funnies? Golly, I sure think I am, but maybe I'm just insane, criminally insane that is!
Sep 14, 2003, 09:52
Special Report: What YOU Are Doing for Extra Cash?
With costs ever on the rise and the increasing the difficulty of making ends meet, what are YOU doing to cut the mustard? We asked this question, and here's what we learned.
Sep 13, 2003, 14:50
Porno Industry Ass. Sues 300 File Swappers
Hard work of cum-g*zzlers, funk-sluts jeopardized by theft
“Many pornographic filmmakers, particularly amateur ones, have had their work stolen by these file swappers,” said PIAA president Scott Oswald. “But even more so, the sperm-chugging cock fiends who sacrifice themselves for their art are being abused.”
Sep 13, 2003, 01:15
Professor On Parole Loses Job Bid
A former Penn State professor who committed a triple murder in Texas nearly four decades ago has lost a job offer at National University, San Diego. Officials at both schools were blissfully unaware of the academics lurid past.
Sep 12, 2003, 15:00
CDC Confirms: Depp has SAWNS
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta today confirmed that actor Johnny Depp has indeed been infected with the dreaded SAWNS virus (Sudden Acute Withdrawal of Nutsack Syndrome). The CDC sent a team of specialists to Depp’s home in the south of France on Friday.
Sep 12, 2003, 05:21
Man Remembers 9/11 by Doing Same Shit He Does Every Day
AUSTIN, TX– 21-year-old University of Texas economics major Paul Gerrard spent this September 11 remembering the victims of 2001's attacks along with millions of other Americans. He honored those passed by doing the same shit he does every day of the week: going to class, watching TV, and getting drunk.
Sep 12, 2003, 00:02
ATF to Regulate Mullets
In a long anticipated move, the US bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms has been put in charge of the staunch regulation of mullets, and their possession.
Sep 11, 2003, 20:14
“Happy 9-11 Day!” Quote Brings Freedom Fighters, Enemas
Greg Graman was severely beaten in front of Firehouse 306 in New York when he walked by a large group of fire fighters and yelled “Hey guys, Happy Nine-Eleven Day”!
Sep 11, 2003, 11:54
Festering Carp Carcus Newest "Endangered Species"
The Outdoorsman's Guide To Dead, Diseased, Filthy Fish. Carp, the ugly, smelly, big-ass fish that you always see floating atop the water attracting flies, leeches, and scumsuckers, may be a thing of the past.
Sep 11, 2003, 04:05
Weeping Sore-A-Scopes (horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. Even if you are all weepy sorey.
Sep 10, 2003, 23:39
Age Discrimination Crippling Toddler Industry
Americans have fought for freedom and equality for hundreds of years, but sadly, very little progress has been made. Age discrimination has been created and propagated by old people unchecked to this day, with not so much as a glimmer of change on the horizon.
Sep 10, 2003, 14:37
Pepsi Challenge Too Close to Call
Americans all over the country stayed awake all night, glued to their televisions, as Coca-Cola came within 5 votes of beating Pepsi in a nation wide taste test.
Sep 10, 2003, 02:47
Nobody Loves Raymond
"Studio Spin-Doctors Really Pulling the Wool Over on Viewers." "Everyone Loves Raymond" is one of the television shows that networks dream about. It is a comedy that is a perennial Emmy nominee for Best Comedy Series without having something most hit comedies need to survive more than six episodes: humor.
Sep 9, 2003, 23:43
Dragon Season Nearly Upon Us
Okay gang, time to sharpen up your swords and tune up your big wheels, it's that time of year again. Despite the frantic pleas from national Renaissance committees, the dragon remains off the endangered species list.
Sep 9, 2003, 14:11
Hillbilly Wins Weekend With the Queen Contest
Cleetus K.K.K. Rhodekill of Alabama U.S.A., was the proud winner of the controversial "Win A Weekend With The Queen of England" Contest.
Sep 9, 2003, 11:45
American Greedy Trial Lawyers Association, AGTLA, to Sue Itself for Destroying Nation
American Greedy Trial Lawyers Association, AGTLA, to Sue Itself for Destroying Nation. His clients, the American people, want him to sue his own organization to seek damages for "grievous offenses against common sense and individual responsibility" wrought by Spencer's own friends and comrades.
Sep 8, 2003, 18:59
Internet Causes Falling CD Sales; Crappy Music "Blameless" says RIAA
Further addressing its new mission, the RIAA also answered allegations that the decline in CD purchases may not be due entirely to the popularity of online file-sharing networks. Many have postulated that what may in fact be a significant cause of falling sales is the fact that such a large portion of today’s music is squalid, hellish, wretched trash, devoid of any merit and totally lacking in any talent to create it.
Sep 8, 2003, 17:14
Bush Offers Daughters for Iraq Help
Ignoring Secretary of State Powell's objections, Bush to secretly use the 'twin' option to garner French and German support for International bailout in Iraq. Should make a great B movie in a couple of years.
Sep 8, 2003, 10:02
Iraq Responds to Bush, “Oh, it’s already BEEN brought!”
Warring countries advised to "resolve it on the dance floor, bitch". IRAQ – In response to the renewed fighting in the Second Gulf War, Iraqi and American troops this week have shifted fighting to the dance floor, allowing their cheerleading squads settle the dispute with a good-natured dance competition.
Sep 6, 2003, 12:16
Legal Trend: More Celebs Suing Over Name Misuse
Spike Lee's lawsuit against Spike-TV has sparked a disturbing new legal trend among today's celeb community. After Spike Lee made headlines for suing 'Spike-TV' for causing confusion in the public over who was the real 'Spike', now other celebs are getting into the action.
Sep 5, 2003, 19:49
Dubya Says; "Bring it on!" to West Nile Mosquitoes
In a move reminiscent of his staged landing of a fighter jet on the flight deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, costumed in an air force flight suit, George W. Bush, this time, outfitted in the cover-alls of an exterminator,
declared war today on "all blood-sucking evil-doers, everywhere.
Sep 5, 2003, 13:48
Kooky Kidz's Komix; Getting High with Hi
Hey kids, here's your big chance to learn third hand the downfall of drug use and all that it entails. Come read, come learn, come giggle.
Sep 5, 2003, 10:03
Random Porno Generator
Glossy News has the decency to review every porno movie in history, generated and displayed at random for your viewing delight. For the .01% of our family viewers, it bears mention that this post is not quite safe for work.
Sep 4, 2003, 15:43
Monrovia Tourism Takes Unexpected Drop
Dr. Kris Ungele, Director of the Monrovia Tourist Board, announced in a press conference that months of bloodshed have had an unexpected negative impact on the tourism industry in 2003 for the West African nation.
Sep 4, 2003, 08:38
Sometimes-Invisible Woman Charged With Failure to Appear
Hazel Leota Head, one of the FBI's most wanted criminals, has been charged with murder, arson, and several other crimes. But perhaps her most troubling offense is her repeated failure to appear.
Sep 3, 2003, 19:46
Fed Offers 90 Days Same-As-Cash and Free Toaster
In a move that's raised eyebrows in the financial world, the Federal Reserve Board announced today that they will leave prime lending rate unchanged, but will offer the option of ninety days same as cash...and a free toaster!
Sep 3, 2003, 10:17
KFC Eliminates Mice, Skunk From "Ingredients" List
Kentucky Fried Chicken has agreed to discontinue use of all animal meats, such as chicken, skunk, mice, ferrets, and zebra, and simply call it "Kentucky Fried Bones".
Sep 3, 2003, 08:01
American Foreign Legion to be Formed
Thousands of American soldiers want to come home while thousands of foreign soldiers are looking for work. The President thinks a new American Foreign Legion can kill both birds, along with anything else he wants, with one stone.
Sep 2, 2003, 12:09
Bush Urges UN to Hang 500' US Flag From Building
President Bush asked the General Assembly of the United Nations to stand behind US policy by placing a gigantic American flag on the side of the famous edifice of modern global diplomacy in yet another big attempt to gain support for the American effort in Iraq.
Sep 2, 2003, 07:18
Wrestling Body, Animal Group Tussle Over WWF Name
Lawyers and witnesses for the World Wrestling Federation and the World Wildlife Federation nearly came to blows in a London courtroom this week in what has turned into a nasty
trademark dispute.
Sep 1, 2003, 08:30
Labor Day: How Do YOU Honor Labor?
Hot dogs, hamburgers, a fun family outing(s), cracking scab's heads open at a picket line. How do YOU like to hornor American labor?
Sep 1, 2003, 04:00
Prepare To Meet Thy Ring-Ding - Savin' Souls with Rev. Doc
Life on the edge of the Everglades carries a few certainties, not the least of which coincide with hurricane season. Winds of turmoil are brewing over the east Atlantic, and the Faithful Herd at the First Church of The Holy Fish is preparing to meet the fury head-on.
Aug 31, 2003, 12:44
Loch Ness Monster Discovered
The Loch Ness monster, long sought by scientist, tourist, conspiracy theorist and general wierdo alike, has finally been found. The creature was discovered and subsequently photographed in a local park during a routine playground inspection at a birthday party.
Aug 30, 2003, 23:23
Tabloid Journalist Accused Of Truifying Stories
Weekly World News reporter Bruce Johnson may have submitted dozens of factually correct articles over the past eight years, violating the tabloid’s strict falsification policy, causing a tremor of outrage amongst tabloid publications worldwide.
Aug 29, 2003, 15:30
Sex Fiends From Mars Launch Attack Against Earth
The planet Mars is closer to Earth than it’s been in 60,000 years, prompting the Imperial Martian Empire to launch an attack on Earth. Despite recent “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” books, NASA confirmed the impending attack in a two-hundred page report,
Alien Sex Fiends Are From Mars, And We’re All F*cked.
Aug 29, 2003, 09:00
White House Offers American People Shiny Objects
Facing tough questions about possible economic recession, rising unemployment, the threat of North Korea, rising nuclear powers in the Middle East and the deteriorating situation in Iraq, President Bush offers a new solution to America’s woes: shiny objects.
Aug 29, 2003, 07:22
Gray Davis Proposes Recall Results by "Ball Size"
In what appears to be another tactic in the California recall campaign, Governor Gray Davis has proposed the job of California Governor be determined not by votes, but by testicle size. With a proposal like that, the Governor needs a wheelbarrow to cart his around in.
Aug 28, 2003, 15:00
The Awful Diet
Having trouble shedding those extra pounds? This new diet plan will have you hurling unwanted calories like a bulimic supermodel...and you can eat all the fat you want!
Aug 28, 2003, 10:09
Britney Spears Endorses Bubble-Gum Condoms
The Wiggly Chewing Gum Company of Kenosha Wisconsin announced today that popstar Britney Spears has agreed to become the celebrity blowperson for its new line of bubble-gum condoms called Britney Booblegum Condoms. Minty fresh, and leaves teeth sparkling white!
Aug 28, 2003, 07:22
Häagen-Dazs Introduces Ass-Flavored Ice Cream
Ice cream giant Häagen-Dazs, creator of such well-loved flavors as Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Vanilla Fudge Swirl, stunned the industry yesterday with the surprise introduction of its new ass-flavored ice cream.
Aug 27, 2003, 09:29
Long Lost Twin Found at Day Spa
There are few who wouldn't agree that I'm the hardest working baby in journalism. With that said, I have no problem admitting that I enjoy taking time to unwind from the work-a-day grind.
Aug 27, 2003, 07:17
Supreme Court Fills Hole in the Lives of Gays
Over a month has passed since the Supreme Court ruled on Lawrence and Garner v. Texas, which has made a huge opening for gays to push through by eliminating anti-sodomy laws. The initial spurts of emotion which resulted from the landmark case have now subsided, and it is becoming clear that this broad stroke of privacy granted by the Court’s decision is here to stay.
Aug 26, 2003, 09:15
Study Finds Diet, Exercise May Increase Chances of Sex
PRINCETON, NJ – A new study released this week in the New England Journal of Medicine shows evidence that may link regular diet and exercise to increased sexual activity. Doctors at Princeton University conducted a study of 10,240 adult individuals of varying age and ethnicity over a period of 3 years. Each subject was monitored for diet, exercise, heart problems, tendency toward cancer, sexual habits, and various other medical problems to see if any possible correlations could be found.
Aug 26, 2003, 03:17
Scientists Looking for Something New to Clone
Dwindling Supply of Non-Cloned Species Threatens Publishing Opportunities, Grants - At the International Symposium of Genetic Engineers today, scientists expressed deep concern at the rapidly dwindling pool of species to clone.
Aug 25, 2003, 20:07
Department of Homeland Security Issues Warning of Possible Wolf Attacks
U.S. law enforcement officials said Sunday they were preparing for possible attacks on America following newly released warnings of wolf attacks issued by the Department of Homeland Security.
Aug 25, 2003, 12:21
Comprehensive Guide To Senor Beckham
In a move that has sent shockwaves througout the soccer world, Spanish powerhouse Real Madrid recently acquired Manchesters United's David Beckham, the most popular athlete in the world. With interest in soccer at and its most charismatic star on the rise in America, we proudly present this comprehensive guide to all things Beckham...
Aug 25, 2003, 05:03
Hare Krishna Chapter Files For Bankruptcy
Charleston SOUTH CAROLINA--The International Society of Krishna Consciousness, or ISKCON, said its South Carolina chapter was filing for bankruptcy protection. The Hare Krishna congregation in the "stubbornly Baptist state, disappointingly never lived up to its potential," an ISKCON spokesman said.
Aug 24, 2003, 17:12
I Hated Gigli More Than You Did
It's been a few weeks now since the release of the cinematic train wreck that was Gigli. Now that the dust has settled, I think it's time to sift through the wreckage; to figure out what we've all learned from this experience. For one thing, we've learned that good looks and star power aren't enough to ensure box office success. More importantly, though, we've learned something about my tastes, and yours. Let's face it: I hated Gigli much more than you did.
Aug 23, 2003, 04:17
I May Be Small Boy; Airplane
I'm no longer confused in my life the way I have been in the past. I now have direction in a way I never have before. So instead of wandering thought life, listeless and unsure, I can now move forward.
Aug 22, 2003, 19:29
Jason Furious Over Second Billing In 'Freddy vs. Jason'
Undead serial killer Jason Voorhees is enraged over his second billing in the title of the new horror film Freddy vs. Jason, Hollywood sources say.
Aug 22, 2003, 10:48
Mouthful of Plump Meat Outrages Mayor
The American Legion in Berrien Springs has decided to add "Plump-N-Tasty Twelve-Inchers" to it's summertime menu. Despite the poularity of these big ones, ex Mayor Marian Kiljoy expressed grave concerns over the morality of having huge meat on the Legion's menu.
Aug 22, 2003, 07:20
Bush to Hire New Secret Service Officers: Bears
WASHINGTON, D.C.- President Bush announced Thursday that he will re-staff the Secret Service, replacing the current members with super-intelligent bears.
Aug 21, 2003, 06:36
Kids! Help Uncle Dubya Blow Up Some Iraqi's!
Hey kids, let's help crazy Uncle Dubbya blow up some Iraq folk! Just help the pilots through the maze to find Saddam's eerie secret hiding place...
Aug 20, 2003, 18:31
I Really Do Trust The Gator Corporation
As a savvy computer user, I know you’ve seen those messages on your computer. You’re surfing the Web when suddenly you get a dialog box that asks you if you want to install something called “Gator Setup.” What could go wrong?
Aug 20, 2003, 10:40
Suicide Email Bombers Strike Again
Terrorism comes in many forms, and it is now part of computer culture as well. A wave of suicide email-bombs have sent customer-support teams at Gateway, Sony, Dell, and Packard Bell scrambling for additional help- while phone lines try and keep up with the influx of calls.
Aug 19, 2003, 18:48
Boy Scout Troop To Execute Retard Scout
Eagle Scout Josh Jameson has earned 37 merit badges, worked more than 1,000 hours of community service and helps lead a Boy Scout troop in his hometown. The 19-year-old has another distinction - one that warrants his death: He's a retard. Scout leaders plan to follow the execution with a campfire and sing-along.
Aug 19, 2003, 09:31
Blackout Strikes Eastern U.S.; Americans Forced To Talk To Each Other
Fear Of Terrorism Gives Way To Fear Of Relating To Other People. Millions of Americans were traumatized today as a massive power outage struck several major Eastern cities, instantly deactivating televisions, computers, stereos, and other devices Americans normally use to avoid the difficult, uncomfortable experience of interpersonal communication.
Aug 19, 2003, 01:14
Pope Orders U.S. Legislators to Ignore Constitution
Pope John Paul II ordered Roman Catholic legislators in the United States to support legislation aimed at banning same sex marriage, including any possible Constitutional Amendment. Sources close to the Pope indicate that this move has been taken to help stem the tide of defecting homo/pedophile priests in the U.S.
Aug 18, 2003, 15:00
1st Annual Who-Bang-A-Thon Fails Miserably
Mac Townsend and company were hoping for a party of unimaginable magnitude and some killer videos when they advertised and hosted the 1st annual who-bangathon. This event was intended to draw hootchies from all across the tri-county area to participate in a mad sequential orgy with him and his colleagues Jace Watson and Robbie Miller.
Aug 18, 2003, 09:40
Queen calls Knights to Arms
Queen Elizabeth II has decided to go down in history like her royal predecessors by launching a bloody crusade. Her first step? The Queen has called the knights of England to take arms and assist the UK and US in their search for the devilish dictator, Saddam Hussein.
Aug 18, 2003, 07:41
Celluliod Passions - Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc Fish
Movies can move the soul, and ApostleBob® wants Reverend Doc to move the First Church of The Holy Fish into the 21st century with some old cinematic themes like love, lust, blood and murder. And that's just in the audience.
Aug 17, 2003, 11:36
Special Report; What Makes YOU Vomit in Vegas
With all the hulabaloo about the city of greatest sin and stupidity, not to mention spendy ass whores, Glossy News takes a quick time out to share this special report with you. And we don't just make claims, we teach lessons the way we learned them; the hard way.
Aug 16, 2003, 23:29
The President's Tale
Hey kids! Nobody in the world is as powerful as the President of the United States of America. Learn everything you need to know about George W. Bush with this handy tale of his time in office!
Aug 16, 2003, 15:31
Brother's Augmentation Totally Unnecessary
Enlarge this, reduce that, trim shape and sculpt. Take fat from here and quirt it in there. Permanently add, remove or relocate hair for a more pleasing look. Tattoos and piercing, lasers for every reason and season. When does the quest for physical improvement become too much? When does the line of handsome aesthetics get crossed and pass into the realm of unnecessary, silly and even meddlesomely interfering? When? I've got your answer; today.
Aug 15, 2003, 23:20
Shit, I Would Love to Get Raped by Kobe Bryant
I don't understand people sometimes. This 19-year-old girl in Colorado charges Kobe Bryant with sexual assault—not rape, meaning that she didn't even try to get pregnant. Eh, hello? This guy's got money out the ass, so let him give it to you in the ass (but obviously make him dunk it in the right hoop to finish Ever hear of Sean Kemp, lady? This guy's got like six kids across the country, all of them getting ree-aatch. Man, people can be so stupid.
Aug 15, 2003, 23:01
CDC Warns STD "Glitter" on the Rise
At any given time the US Center for Disease Control is tracking the spread of as many as 85 sexually transmitted diseases ranging from monkey clap, genital ticks, corroso-gyne, to nasal gonnorhitis. This summer, however, glitter is fast becoming the epidemic in New England.
Aug 15, 2003, 17:49
Free Government Cheese Targets American Fat-Asses
The Bush administration unveiled its plan today to revive the the giveaway of free "government cheese" -- but this time, the cheese will be provided only to the grossly obese. Belly up to the free cheese-wheel, you fat-asses!
Aug 15, 2003, 10:17
Whiskey Pour-a-Scopes
We recognize that not all people of all years born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be... and you my friend, are a hard-swillin' whiskey monger.
Aug 14, 2003, 22:40
Americans "Not Wearing Enough Logos"
According to a study sponsored by Tommy Hilfiger Inc., the GAP Inc., Old Navy Inc., and other designer retailers, Americans apparently aren't wearing enough corporate logos. A 400% markup on an otherwise $6 t-shirt seems unreasonable? C'mon...Just do it!
Aug 14, 2003, 09:00
Mott’s Introduces Applesauce-Flavored Applesauce
Mott’s, the popular maker of applesauce, apple juice, and other apple products, announced this week the introduction of a new flavor to its popular line of Fruitsations™ flavored applesauce. The new applesauce flavor will be called "Applesauce".
Aug 13, 2003, 15:03
CIA, FBI to Have Heads Joined to Share Intelligence
The Central Intelligence Agency and Federal Bureau of Investigation directors agreed to have their heads surgically joined to better share their intelligence and work more uniformly. Which heads we talkin' about?
Aug 13, 2003, 09:02
State Rape Law: Stop...Oh, God! Stop!
A new Illinois rape law allows a person to be charged with rape if their partner say’s “No” during sexual intercourse. Hubby lasting a little longer than necessary? Just say 'No'.
Aug 13, 2003, 07:48
Smith-Kowalski Merger Approved
The parents of Jenna Smith and Rod Kowalski ratified their matrimonial merger proposition by a 75% majority in a late night session last Saturday. The five-year contract is said to include two children with an option to pick up a third should neither be male.
Aug 12, 2003, 15:18
God, Black People Have It So Easy In This Country
Affirmative action my ass. The Supreme Court says that some jobless gangsters are going to get a free ride into college while my kids have to fend for themselves with my hard-earned millions. What a crock.
Aug 12, 2003, 10:18
RIAA To Hunt Down, Imprison Music Pirates. Yes, You.
The Recording Industry Association of America announced this week its new plan to combat internet piracy by arresting you for downloading copyrighted music off of Napster and Kazaa. Yes, you, you cheapass.
Aug 12, 2003, 08:01
Attorney Gen. Ashcroft Fights Terrorist SUV Menace
In response to widespread left wing propaganda that SUVs and their owners sponsor terrorism, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced Monday that all Federal Marshals are to detain and interrogate SUV's and their drivers. Vehicles with "Baby On Board" signs are to be eliminated with "all necessary force".
Aug 11, 2003, 15:11
NAACP Rejects Most African-American Stereotypes
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) released a statement Tuesday denying virtually every stereotype regarding African-Americans. Throughout the country millions of black wannabe's are scrambling for new identities, and returning thousands of pairs of baggy pants and boxer shorts.
Aug 11, 2003, 10:00
Atlanta Pimp offers Ho-Dar Seminars, Franchise
Willy Kissinger is a pimp with a gift. "I can spot a ho." During the Atlanta pimp strike of 2000 Willy worked as a floater pimp, filling in here and there, brokering some transaction and smacking up some undercover vice cops. When the strike ended he stayed in the game unlike the vast majority of pimp temps who came along at the same time.
Aug 11, 2003, 06:40
Lizards & Oiled Virgins - Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc
It's summer in South Florida...lizards are mating, giant Palmetto bugs are tipping buses over, and the herd at the First Church of The Holy Fish is learning that proper preparation helps you from being burned to an everlasting crisp.
Aug 10, 2003, 08:10
Krazy Kids Korner: Garfield the Pussy (cat)
Krazy fun with America's favorite fat-cat. Come on now kids, one and all, and enjoy our fine humor bit-lets.
Aug 9, 2003, 06:38
Man's Life Goal: Outlive Mick
Local man sets goal for himself to outlive Mick Jagger. At age 46, local Midland, Ohio, man Grover Spinks, has one goal that rises above all others. Put simply, Spinks' goal is to outlive the godfather of rock and roll, Mick Jagger.
Aug 8, 2003, 19:06
Independent-Minded Loser Looking for Unique Way to Kill Self
PHOENIX– Ethan Sexson, a 16-year-old self-described “failure of a human being” who prides himself on his individuality, is planning to commit suicide as soon as he can work out an original way to carry it out.
Aug 8, 2003, 18:26
Viacom to Purchase English Literature
In a move said to have "astounded Industry insiders," the Viacom "brotherhood" of corporate companies today purchased all of English literature-which will be "reworked to fit the corporate capitalist agenda," according to industry "outsiders."
Aug 8, 2003, 06:00
ACLU Applauds Ebonics Affirmative Use of "Z"
The ACLU announced staunch support of ebonics this week citing their thorough, affirmative and even flagrant use of the letter "z".
Aug 7, 2003, 14:04
Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick Bangable
Is your girlfriend so ugly you can screw her in any position and still call it doggy style? Does her face look like it caught fire and was put out with a fork? Fear not; modern technology can turn your little Medusa into an almost passable human, so long as know one ever meets her.
Aug 7, 2003, 09:00
Miracle Diet a Deadly Scam
Promises of weight loss of up to 10 pounds per week prove true, the drug however, is Salmonella. The makers of All Natural Fish-Thin insist they were unaware of the conflict of interest created by knowingly infecting millions of Americans with the deadly illness. "People wanted to lose weight and we were able to help them. Rib-cracking dry heaves and terminal diarrhea aside I think we did the right thing."
Aug 7, 2003, 03:52
Punk Fan Has Actually Never Heard a Punk Song
A self-proclaimed “huge punk music fan” strangely has never heard a punk music song in her entire life. The soon-to-be high school senior owns a sizable record collection and cites punk and alternative as her favorite genres, yet nothing punk nor alternative can be found within her 150-plus records.
Aug 6, 2003, 14:35
Online Swapping: 'Pornster' Dominates Millions
Pornster, the porno giant that replaced Napster last year, has revolutionized online smut viewing for millions of customers worldwide. By the way, our Sex-Snoop software says you need to compress those 'Maidenform Grannies in Chains' files you downloaded last Thursday...
Aug 6, 2003, 10:00
Allah Bestows "72 Bea Arthurs" Upon Hussein Brothers
According to reports from our top post-living reporters, Uday and Qusay Hussein, killed by American gunfire, have been given harems of horny Bea Arthurs in appreciation of their brave entry into martyrdom.
Aug 6, 2003, 06:00
Pop Diva to Re-State Earlier Remarks
After these words, the news conference was immediately cancelled, as Ms. Spears was quickly whisked away to a waiting limousine by her manager. "Britney's a great kidder, and believe you me, she can barely read," he told reporters.
Aug 5, 2003, 15:00
Viagra "White Rabbit" Jingle - Feed Your Head!
Pfizer has released their newest commercial for the highly popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra. The new advertising campaign abandons their previous approach of "Blue pill makes pappy happy," in favor of their more direct demographic approach. No, it ain't Limp Biscuit ~
Aug 5, 2003, 10:12
Interview With a Vibrator
Watch out Anne Rice, there's a new nightly predator on the loose. He may be shiny, he may be ivory, but regardless of his look, he's got a one track mind and three speeds of adjustment.
Aug 5, 2003, 07:00
J-Lo's Ass to Secede From the Union
After months of inflationary pressure and exterior expansion, sources close to J-Lo's ass are reporting the beefy rump intends to secede from the main body of Ms. Lopez. If you see a two-ton mass of quivering booty on the horizon, stand back...there's always room for JaLL-O!
Aug 4, 2003, 12:02
Lose 30 to 50 Pounds in Two Days Safely
I've been dieting for the past 20 years. So believe me when I say I am well-qualified to give diet advice to overweight folks. Did you know that according to the FDA, 132% of the population is overweight? Yes, even embryos are eating too much.
Aug 4, 2003, 10:10
Buxom Porn Stars Demand Bigger Parts
The world of pornographic filmmaking was rocked today by a threatened job action by members of the Benevolent Order Of Busty, Immensely Enhanced Superstars to protest the lack of comparable attributes in their male co-stars.
Aug 4, 2003, 07:15
Vatican Vacation Thrills - Saving Souls with Reverend Doc
A Holy Vacation for the herd at the First Church of The Holy Fish takes a papal turn. Read about theme park thrills and holy interpretation of the Law in this week's Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc.
Aug 3, 2003, 14:04
Tora Bora-Scopes
Not all people of all years born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. With the recent death of Uday and Qusay Hussein, we tip our hat and present these interpretations customized just for our reader base of hard line Islamic militants hunkered down in the caves of Afghanistan. We proudly bring you the Tora-Borascopes.
Aug 2, 2003, 23:23
Special Report: Putting the Gold in Your Golden Years
Retirement investment strategy shifted from a company 401K to dumping every spare dollar into the state's lottery? Glossy News presents a special report on alternative means for making the Golden Years worry free...guaranteed!
Aug 2, 2003, 07:47
Man of Steel Exposed! Superman Strips Publicly
Declining availability of traditional phone booths is leaving the Man of Steel few options for changing from his mild-mannered business suit into his Buns of Steel flamer costume.
Aug 1, 2003, 10:30
Eminem Realizes He's White, Starts Playing Rock Music
Ultra-white rap star Eminem, famous for his misogynistic and extremely violent songs describing his crusade to destroy civilization, has finally come to the realization that he's a white guy. "Damn!" said one former fan. "That dude's almost as white as Michael Jackson!"
Aug 1, 2003, 08:00
Russian Roulette Now "Freedom" Roulette
Since the news broke that Russia is selling antitank guided missiles, jamming devices, and night vision goggles to Baghdad, Congressman Bob Ney (R-Asylum) has sponsored legislation urging the suicide sport known as Russian Roulette to be officially renamed Freedom Roulette.
Jul 31, 2003, 22:42
Office Worker Ostracized For Not Liking Sh*tty Music
A local travel agent has found himself alienated from his coworkers because of his dislike of shitty music. "What, this is good? You people are enjoying this?!? God in Heaven, just kill yourselves now!"
Jul 31, 2003, 10:30
Christian Cannibalism - Keep It In The Family
Having trouble putting food on the table? The Good Book says "Go Forth and Multiply", and if you've multiplied yourself into more mouths than you can feed, it may be time to make those numbers more manageable by whipping up a batch of rugrat stew. "Wow, tastes just like chicken!"
Jul 31, 2003, 08:15
French Leaders Abandon Paris, May Grovel For Help
Following the sudden, decisive invasion and subsequent conquest of the French Republic by Teutonic tourists earlier this week, Frenchmen worldwide are lamenting their huge, embarrassing failure to defend their nation once again.
Jul 30, 2003, 10:00
Uday, Qusay, Elvis Spotted at Wal-Mart
American efforts to convince the Iraqi people that Uday and Qusay Hussein are dead suffered a setback this week as rumors began circulating throughout the country that the two were seen with the King of Rock & Roll at the Bagdad Wal*Mart.
Jul 30, 2003, 07:00
Pothead Has Revelation After Seeing Tony Danza
An Austin marijuana user had a revelation after seeing an anti-drug commercial featuring television sitcom star Tony Danza. "Wait, wait...don't do drugs? Aw, MAN!!" commented the confused pothead.
Jul 29, 2003, 14:28
Germany Invades France, Weapons of Mass Deodorant Fired
In a totally unexpected and terrifying coup, middle-aged and elderly German tourists overtook Paris early this week armed with travel toothbrushes and an exhaustive supply of deodorant sticks. French resistance was reported "fleeing in absolute horror" at the prospect of forced personal hygiene.
Jul 29, 2003, 09:30
DOJ Rules Dr Dre a Monopoly
NOT another Dre Day. In a class action suit filed by industry hacks, allegations were made that noted rap artist and producer Dr Dre violated anti-trust laws, due to his control of some 70% of the industry's gold and platinum record reserves. It was proven in court hearings that he unfairly stifled competition by "repeatedly failing to suck and making the rest of us sound like shiz-nit."
Jul 28, 2003, 18:46
UN Plans Pay-Per-View Invasions
It's darned expensive to invade another country these days and that's why the UN is stepping up to help out. Outfitting an invasion force: $2 billion. Occupying a foriegn country: $4 billion. Having chumps at the UN foot the bill: Priceless.
Jul 28, 2003, 10:56
Convert Muslims? I Just Want Arab Midget Sex!
"Should Christians Convert Muslims?" A better question would have been, "Should We Place Plastic Bags Over Our Heads?" This is one missionary position we don't want to see.
Jul 28, 2003, 08:02
Filthy Pigs! - Saving Souls with Reverend Doc
It's pig-roast time at the First Church of the Holy Fish, and a few unappreciative folks are casting First Stones at the sacrificial swine. Learn the recipe for mouth-watering Biblical Boneless Pork with Holier-Than-Thou glaze in this weeks gospel according to Reverend Doc.
Jul 27, 2003, 07:00
Flag Burning is Wrong!
Teaching children right from wrong is serious business, and Glossy News is here to help parents in their quest for raising the perfect little All-American. Kids...they burn the darndest things!
Jul 26, 2003, 08:00
Drinking Myself to Sleep 'Not a Problem'
Some have expressed concern about my drinking. It is embarrassing at times, I'll admit, to have the bottle with me wherever I go, sure, but there are many more signs of a drinking problem one must consider.
Jul 25, 2003, 15:10
Die Hard Reno Supporters: "She's Still The Man For The Job!"
Former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno still stands strong in the memory of many supporters, and a group in Florida wants to see the former Top Cop make a comeback...either in politics or professional wrestling.
Jul 25, 2003, 11:40
Herpes: The Method Acting Approach
The itch...the irritation...the acid urination. Not since the days of James Dean and Marlon Brando has television seen such burning performances. FEEL the shame! SCRATCH the open sores! BE the herpes!
Jul 25, 2003, 08:00
Saddam and Gomorrah
The search for deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has switched to San Francisco, following sensational claims that he has spent the last three years not in Baghdad, but instead living as part of the Bay area's gay scene.
Jul 24, 2003, 11:07
Ebay sells Ebay to PayPal on Ebay via PayPal
E-Bay, the world's premiere online auction site, has announced plans to sell itself on its own service. Inside sources state that the auction could be the biggest in E-Bay’s history, and plans on stiffing the final bidder through it's payment company, PayPal.
Jul 24, 2003, 07:33
Kim Jong illin's Nu-Klee-Ah Rap Single Released
In a move that U.S. officials call a "publicity stunt", North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has released an audiotape which describes his plans of "ruling the world". This Korean Eminem melts in your brain, not in your hands.
Jul 23, 2003, 15:00
World Football Guide; "No Field Goal?" ask Americans
This pictographic Beginners Guide to Soccer explains in simple terms everything the American needs to know about World Football. From who this "scary mutha" is, to stuff about that Beckham dude, whoever he is.
Jul 23, 2003, 10:03
"My Friend From San Francisco Isn't Gay...Really!"
According to his friends, Justin Blake, a 22 year old temp from Sacramento, is a normal guy except for one strange quirk. Everytime he brings up his friend Steve, a high school buddy, he feels the need to quickly add "he's not gay" immediately after saying that Steve lives in San Francisco.
Jul 23, 2003, 07:26
Police Force Hires Total Bitch
The local police department in Berrien Springs, Michigan has finally sniffed out their latest recruit, hoping she can live up to her reputation as a sharp-toothed bitch that will snap your head of with the slightest provocation...at least 5 days a month, anyway.
Jul 22, 2003, 15:00
Hussein's 2nd Cousin's Former Gardener Seized
Donald Rumsfeld reiterates vow to follow all Saddam connections. Continuing a relentless search, coalition forces on Wednesday nabbed a man whom they claimed may have heard of Saddam Hussein.
Jul 22, 2003, 10:30
I Use A Mac Because I'm a Lazy Bastard
I want my own television commercial like that douchebag that did the Dell commercials. You know, the goofy looking geek that ended up being busted for chronic stupidity and an ounce of marijuana. Why? 'Cause I'm an idiot, too. I use a Mac.
Jul 22, 2003, 07:10
Papal Problems at O'Hare
Mr. Paul II finds himself a possible terror suspect. During his recent tour of North America, Pope John Paul II was subject to intense scrutiny at O'Hare International Airport when he set off the metal detectors. His Papal Highness had arrived at the airport via his Popemobile at about one o'clock yesterday, anxious to get out of Canada like so many tourists are.
Jul 21, 2003, 16:10
Bungee Diving Killed, Replaced with Bungee Humping
ESPN has cancelled it's newest sport, Bungee Diving, from the 2003 X-Games after 42 athletes in a row failed to meet the event prerequisite of surviving tryouts. Talks of spin-off events are under way, including X-Treme Screaming, X-Treme Splatting and X-Treme Bungee Humping.
Jul 21, 2003, 08:52
Ball Cancer; Testing your Testes
Among the rarest of cancers comes cancer of the testes. Glossy News brings you these helpful tips to keeping your balls healthy.
Jul 21, 2003, 03:49
Saving Souls with Rev. Doc
An overabundance of pancakes and Pat Robertson personal calls to God are turning heads - not to mention a few stomachs - at the Rev's Holy Compound. Is a Heavenly "Do Not Call" list far behind?
Jul 20, 2003, 12:14
France Abandons Industry
"What can I say, the experiment failed" says French interim Prime Minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin. "I think it's safe to say we gave it a fair run but, it's just not our thing."
Jul 20, 2003, 06:37
Sword of Zorro-Scopes
We recognize that not all people of all years born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be... ya swashbucklin' weirdo.
Jul 19, 2003, 23:28
Kind of like the Family Circus
Hey kids! It's time to go all kinds of crazy with a little bit of fun madness with the non-family non-circus.
Jul 19, 2003, 17:16
Approved Christian Slang for "Sex"
If you are going to talk about the act of procreation, it's imperitive to not go to hell. After all, there are many circumstances in which the church does condone the act, well, maybe the outcome if not the act. Sharpen your pencils, gang, it's time to learn some new terminology.
Jul 18, 2003, 18:36
Village Council to Vote on Nude Pool League
Following the success of their streak fries and streak dance, the American Legion club has started a nude pool league on Thursday nights, which pits two teams of five naked people against one another. Ball in hand, anyone?
Jul 18, 2003, 16:24
Couple Finds Profanity To Be Useful Argument Tool
Ed and Kathleen Thomas are just like many other couples. They are in love, they have a young daughter and a pet dog. Also, just like almost any other couple, they have their share of disagreements.
Jul 18, 2003, 12:37
Saddam to Host Fox Show
In a bid to expand its war coverage, Fox Network has signed a an exclusive twelve episode series to be hosted by Saddam Hussein.
Jul 17, 2003, 22:20
Mayor Loses Boobs
After last being seen Friday night rubbing up against Gary Rader, Mayor Marian Kiljoy's boobs have come up missing. The boobs are described as flesh colored, sagging, and constantly rubbing against other human bodies. The missing boobs were reported by Kiljoy late Friday night when she gave Police Chief Jim Lesterke the following statement: "I think they fell off."
Jul 17, 2003, 12:08
Review; Teething Jelly Makes Bwuh Mugga Phwuh
So I’m sitting there, just minding my own business, experiencing a bit of discomfort in the gum region. My mom, who still lives at home by the way, decides to take matters into her own hands with this clever little ploy of hers… she grabs of tube of who-knows-what.
Jul 17, 2003, 10:46
Pat Robertson Prays for Elton John's Demise
Televangelist Pat Robertson aims his current prayer offensive at the Rocket Man. Says Robertson, "Please God, if you kill him, I promise to never again run for President."
Jul 16, 2003, 21:10
NOW Disbands, Disrobes
In a press conference Tuesday, Patricia Ireland, president of the National Organization for Women (NOW), announced an end to the war against feminism by stepping down as president and called for women to "Break out the maidenform bras, make your man a martini and get back in the kitchen!"
Jul 16, 2003, 08:30
Olsen Twins Gone Wild!
Los Angeles, CA -- Icons of the kid and teen video scene for most of their lives now, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are releasing the next in their series of straight to video movies for their lifelong fanbase. With the twins reaching the age of 17 this year, this life parelleling movie making process seems to have taken a downturn.
Jul 16, 2003, 02:51
Jeb Bush's Foolproof Terrorist Detection Plan
In response to jokes about how many of the 9/11 terrorists lived and trained in his state completely unnoticed, Florida Governer Jeb Bush has unveiled a new plan to help local Florida law enforcement spot potential terrorists.
Jul 15, 2003, 13:54
Additional Limbs Discovered
I was delighted this morning to find that, in addition to the two appendages I’d already located and employed, there were at least one, though perhaps as many as five new appendages.
Jul 15, 2003, 09:15
USS Reagan Fails to Report for Duty; Crew Says They Forgot
Just three days after being commissioned, the USS Reagan failed to begin its maiden voyage to its San Diego home port early this week. The entire crew apparently forgot to set sail, raising concerns about similarites between the ship and the former President.
Jul 15, 2003, 07:04
Iraqis Warn: U.S. Military Must Leave Or Face War
In a move that had U.S. officials scratching their heads, newly-appointed Iraqi leaders urged President Bush to end military occupation or face the prospect of war.
Jul 14, 2003, 14:17
Savin' Souls with Rev. Doc
This week Reverend Doc listens to the faint and somewhat whiney voice of prophecy, faces new challenges to diversity and affirmative action, and answers the call with electrifying action.
Jul 14, 2003, 08:00
America Bares Naked Aggression
American troops Thursday penetrated the southern cities in Iraq bearing only weapons by their sides and weapons between their legs, as war began in Baghdad. This after bombs were dropped Wednesday night onto Saddam Hussein’s presidential palace from cruise ships manned entirely by naked crews.
Jul 14, 2003, 04:45
Review: Natural vs. Formula
While both products are a common staple among eightlings, it seems further that there is a glaring lack of first hand accounts of preference. Our research has indicated that this is largely due to the ongoing age discrimination suffered at the hand of 1/1th sized humans, but that is another matter for another time.
Jul 13, 2003, 10:57
Krazy Kids Korner: Cartoon Fun
This week's Sunday cartoon fun: Hagar the Horribly Violated shows you what being a Viking is all about. Great moons of Odin!
Jul 13, 2003, 06:48
Ben and Jenny Merger Announced
During a taped interview with Diane Sawyer this week, singer-actress Jennifer Lopez and actor-writer Ben Affleck announced that they are indeed engaged as had been speculated in the media rumor mills over the last few weeks.
Jul 13, 2003, 02:06
Special Report - What to Steal from the Office
Disgrunteld, unhappy or just enjoy the power and prestige of swiping staples from work? This Glossy News guide to white-collar malfeasance will help you on on a career to more satisfying and creative cubicle crime.
Jul 12, 2003, 06:12
Invasion Replaces Baseball as Favorite Pastime
The successful war in Iraq and subsequent military occupation has led Americans to adopt foreign invasion as their new favorite pastime. Major League Baseball is responding with free giveaways and a 7th-inning strafing of the cheap seats.
Jul 11, 2003, 15:08
Billion Dollar Study: Sex Leading Cause Of Pregnancy
Scientists have released the findings of a year long, billion dollar study on human pregnancy, confirming that if a human being wants to get pregnant, good old fashioned sexual intercourse is the way to do it. Preferably, between a man and a woman.
Jul 11, 2003, 11:36
Head Cheerleader: "Our Team F*cking Sucks!”
Man, if our team loses one more game, I’m dumping that loser quarterback. I mean, what is he thinking throwing the ball on 3rd and 1? I’m just a cheerleader, but I’ve seen enough football to know pissing your pants in the huddle just makes everybody madder!
Jul 11, 2003, 08:30
Christina A’s Song, "Beautiful": Is "Whore" more accurate?
Pop singer Christina Aguilera deflected accusations yesterday that her hit song, “Beautiful”, was based on false intelligence data. "I'm beautiful!" the pop star declared. "I dress like a cheap whore to, y'know, look like everbody else."
Jul 10, 2003, 16:34
Porn Again Nuns - Habits of Debauchery
Johns seeking easy sexual thrills in downtown LA have recently been startled to find themselves being propositioned by nuns. "I couldn't believe my eyes," said one salvation seeker. "The Lord sure does work in mysterious and kinky ways..."
Jul 10, 2003, 11:14
Aodpt a Refugee and Receive 1 Dozen Donuts - Free!
With possible US involvement in Liberia and God-knows where else, hordes of refugees may be swarming into your own home town soon. Stay ahead of the infestation by adopting your very own refugee mob today!
Jul 10, 2003, 08:04
Teen Discovers Led Zeppelin; Parents: "Jesus, Stop!"
Is your little rocker suddenly thinking "classic rock" is cool? Did he just put a black light and Jimmy Page poster in his room? Stop him. He's gotta whole lot of stupid.
Jul 9, 2003, 15:31
“Fine, Don't Listen. Go Ahead and Get Knocked Up, Missy!”
Kids...you bring 'em up right, teach 'em some morals, tell about the evils of sex. But do they listen? NOOOOOOO! So go ahead, little Miss Grinds-A-Lot, invite the whole football team over. Just don't come crying to me when you get knocked up!
Jul 9, 2003, 11:00
Dr. Spam, I presume
Just because you are weasely, slimy, no good spammer doesn't mean you can't earn some respect. Now you can enroll in Yale University's new graduate program in Spamology.
Jul 9, 2003, 06:46
Bush Tells Kerry, Lieberman to Cooperate or Risk Conflict
President Bush accused Senators John Kerry and Joseph Lieberman of developing and storing weapons of mass destruction Monday morning in a radio address. Speaking from their Senatorial palace bunkers, both senators denied the accusations, calling the President "retarded'.
Jul 8, 2003, 15:00
DaimlerChrysler Vehicles to Feature Minority-Detecting Locks
Always striving for customer safety, DaimlerChrysler has promised to include minority-detecting locks on their more expensive car models, including the Mercedes S-class, the Chrysler 300M, and the Dodge Viper, by 2005.
Jul 8, 2003, 11:00
CNN Guilty of Plagiary; Omits Midget Porn
CNN, the world leader in news coverage, has boldly gone where no news agency has gone before by unashamedly ridiculing a June Glossy News technical report that uncovered a mystery of deep space.
Jul 8, 2003, 07:16
Music Critic Snaps, Admits Rap is Sh*t
After years of speculation, suspicion and deception, a noted music critic reviewer snapped Friday and admitted that all rap music is absolute shit.
Jul 7, 2003, 15:00
"While You Were Sh*tfaced" Remodeling TV Debuts
Need some new surroundings but only have money for binge drinking? TLC's newest reality renovation show allows you to remodel, regurgitate AND stay under budget!
Jul 7, 2003, 11:00
Man Has Sex For More Than 30 Seconds, Girlfriend Amazed
Last night Bill Jenkis and his girlfriend had sex. That in itself wouldn't be newsworthy, however the act lasted for almost 45 seconds, shattering his former endurance record by 20 seconds. His friends are in total awe.
Jul 7, 2003, 07:40
Saving Souls with Rev. Doc
Officials are strippping away the right to touch the souls of the nubile & naked, and GlossyNews' own Rev. Doc is staying abreast of the situation. Read about his hands-on approach to saving these tender sinners.
Jul 6, 2003, 13:45
Krazy Kids Korner: Caucasian Crossword Fun!
A Sunday Krazy Kids Korner crossword to teach your children the right way to hate their neighbor. Ages 2 months and up.
Jul 6, 2003, 10:15
Special Report - What WON'T Get You Some Lovin'
Part two of a GlossyNews exclusive report on what will and what won't get you the nookie you need. This week: things that will definately keep your lovin' a solo act.
Jul 6, 2003, 07:58
The Segway: Personal Stupidity Extension
The Segway Human Transporter: Advanced technology provides modern methods for proving what an obnoxious imbecile you really are.
Jul 5, 2003, 10:30
Special Report - Traffic Safety to Die For
Summer is here and vacationers are on the roads. GlossyNews brings you special traffic safety tips to keep you safe...or at least the one that lives through a horrible multi-car crash.
Jul 5, 2003, 08:32
Independence Day Boners
Break out the hamburgers, M-80's and butterfly bandages! It's the 4th of July, and Americans everywhere are celebrating independence and emergency medical treatment.
Jul 4, 2003, 11:22
Woman "Powdering Nose" Actually Taking Big Ol' Dump
Something didn't smell right when a woman excused herself to "freshen up" during a recent date. An investigation has reaveled that it wasn't just her excuse that stunk.
Jul 4, 2003, 08:30
Sex Squeals: What Do YOU Cry Out?
The peak of ecstasy can produce the most intimate cries of passion. GlossyNews presents a scientific breakdown of what YOU, our readers, are crying out in those moments of sheer...uh, whatever it is you're doing. You people are disturbing!
Jul 3, 2003, 14:30
Bryant Gumbel Publishes "Almost Black Like Me"
Fanfare accompanied critical praise this week as the New York Times best seller list welcomed it's newest member, REAL SPORTS own multi-blend Bryant Gumbel.
Jul 3, 2003, 10:40
Porn Sites Don't Spell Good
To all sirs, madams, and hot, horny hermaphrodites of internet entertainment. It saddens me to write this, but I can no longer be silent on a matter that has addled me for years and which now requires some manner of intervention. article may be unsafe for all readers...
Jul 3, 2003, 07:32
Big Boobies More Popular Than Bush
An exhaustive study was released early this week, proving that, despite the allure and mystique of Bush, it's Bodacious Boobies that draw attention.
Jul 2, 2003, 11:25
U.S. Trades Florida To Cuba
President Bush announced today that Florida will officially become part of Cuba. Experts estimate that no more than 21% of Floridians will notice much of a difference.
Jul 2, 2003, 07:13
Orca Whale Faces Deportation
On June 28 an orphaned orca whale named Springer was arrested in Seattle Washington. The whale is facing deportation after being taken into custody for allegedly terrorizing watercraft in Puget Sound.
Jul 1, 2003, 10:43
Local Man's Name Withheld
In a completely unsurprising event, police are withholding the name of local man who is generally unkown, unless the media gets a hold of it and makes him known, in which case the name may be released so that we'll know it.
Jul 1, 2003, 08:00
Bush Boinks a Biggie
A firsthand narrative account of an alleged affair with current President Bush. Kneepads not included.
Jun 30, 2003, 13:36
Man Kills Wife With Spork
Now dubbed the "Taco Bell Murder Case", a Detroit man is awaiting trial for sporking his wife repeatedly after she bitched about "not enough damned sour cream."
Jun 30, 2003, 11:15
"I Thought I Got It From You", claims He-Slut
A 19 year-old woman and her 21-year old boyfriend are caught in a heated controversy over who gave whom a nasty case of crotch-rot.
Jun 30, 2003, 06:42
Special Report - What Will Get You Some Lovin'
One dozen sure-fire ways to get some of that sweet, sweet lovin'. A GlossyNews exclusive for the latent lover lusting in yo....ahh, just read it.
Jun 29, 2003, 14:00
Savin' Souls with Rev. Doc
The Gay Horsemen of the Apocalypse galloped out of the Supreme Court and across Texas this week, and GlossyNews' own Rev. Doc was there to witness the stampede of rainbow souls.
Jun 29, 2003, 07:55
Reprecussion of Supreme Court Decision Felt in Texas
The recent decision by the United states Supreme Court in the Lawrence and Garner v Texas case is being credited for numerous instances of "coming out" in the State of Texas.
Jun 29, 2003, 02:04
Beckham-mania
Who is this man, and why is he screaming like a banshee? I dunno. It's a soccer thing. Learn everything you'll ever need to know about this English phenom...the Real Beckham.
Jun 28, 2003, 15:20
Arizona Wildfire Merger Violates Anti-Trust
 |
| or Arizona... |
A class action suit was filed Monday by more than 4,000 inhabitants in the territory encompassed by the newly formed alleged wildfire monopoly. Attorneys for the class action suit dressed as Smokey the Bear contend that the wildfire did not seek permission before executing the merger.
Jun 28, 2003, 03:17
Dirty Whoroscopes (horoscopes for whores)
This week Glossy News proudly features Dirty-Whore-a-Scopes. These special interpretations have been customized just for our hard working lady readers of the street. You know who you are, you go out night after night keeping it real.
Jun 28, 2003, 00:05
Frivolous Lawsuits For Dummies®
A new series of instructional guide books by J. Wiley Press include 'How-To's' on lawsuits, corporate threats and a step-by-step guide to being the Dummy You Can Really Be.
Jun 27, 2003, 15:35
Teens Having Less Sex (in the missionary position)
According to research conducted nationwide, conventional teen coitus is on the downturn. Not in favor of abstinence, but in favor of more exhausting, athletic and often dangerous positions.
Jun 27, 2003, 11:18
McDonald's Introduces 'McForty' Malt Liquor
McDonald's released a new drink sensation last week in restaurants across the US. The new drink, "The McForty" malt liquor, has been added to the standard array of soft drinks and shakes.
Jun 27, 2003, 07:33
Stoned Teen Ponders Wisdom Teeth
James “J-Man” Dooly pondered the function of wisdom teeth yesterday while bogarting a joint...huh....wha?
Jun 26, 2003, 11:10
Man Named "Neighborhood Moron" Third Consecutive Year
For the third consecutive year, Dennis Heckman of Naples, Florida has been voted “Neighborhood Moron” by the Verde Mar Homeowners Association. Heckman handily defeated several community newcomers who “were pretty stupid, but not nearly as much of an idiot as Dennis.”
Jun 26, 2003, 08:25
British MP’s Try to Slap Tax on Threesomes
Naughty couples who invite another woman to ruck up their bed sheets may have their ‘marry one – get one free’ enjoyment taxed following a motion by Ivor Neveradit, the MP for Stoke on Trent.
Jun 26, 2003, 06:11
Hoover Vacuum Sales / Testicle Surgeries Down 11%
Not too many red-blooded males have the balls to admit it, but after the Hoover vacuum cleaner was invented, masturbatory behavior was up nearly 58%. Alright, maybe they have the balls, but another critical attachment may be missing.
Jun 25, 2003, 11:01
Self-Amputation - Whacky New Fashion Craze
Limb-lopping is the latest craze! It's gruesome, macabre and shocking, and sort of like a tattoo without all the itching. Naturally, some do-gooders are voicing their concern over this new personal fashion trend.
Jun 25, 2003, 09:05
Barbie Not a Lesbian, but Her Girlfriend is a Total Dyke
Battling recent allegations of a lesbo liason with other "dolls of similar gender", Mattel Inc. has launched a campaign that it hopes will quell the rumors and set the record "straight" on their No. 1 girl.
Jun 25, 2003, 07:24
Playboy Sued For Masturbation-Related Incident
A possible precedent-setting new lawsuit was brought forth this week by John Mager, a psychologist from Albany, NY. Dr. Mager has filed suit against Mr. Hugh Hefner and the Playboy corporation for their involvement in the loss of his penis last Friday.
Jun 24, 2003, 12:04
The Dawning of the Crap Economy
Missed out on striking it rich in the dot.com era? The crap economy may be bigger and the best news is that there is still time to get in on the poop.
Jun 24, 2003, 09:10
Study: Green Monkey Semen "Not good for you"
A research team at John Hopkins released a report on Tuesday showing that despite popular belief, it is not safe to ingest the semen of the West African green monkey.
Jun 24, 2003, 00:16
PMS Program addresses Mood Swings and Tips on Husband Dismemberment
A local PMS informational program is being offered this week offered, including live demonstrations of PMS like activities, including hot-flashes, mood-swings, temporary insanity and 'Ten easy steps to dismembering and disposing of your significant other'.
Jun 23, 2003, 12:02
Jerry Falwell: "Masturbation Is Murder"
In yet another of a series of unremarkable announcements, noted religious leader Jerry Falwell proclaimed that the act of masturbation violates the 6th Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”. Are YOU a murderer? Oh, yeah....
Jun 23, 2003, 09:00
B List Beckons for Busty Babes?
Eggheads at the Royal Society for Keeping Boffins off the Street have made a shock discovery – large-breasted women can’t act! The men in white coats rated the screen performances of actresses across the last 60 years and discovered that their acting talents were inversely correlated with their cup size.
Jun 23, 2003, 03:17
US Embassy Ends "Help the People" Program
With the brutal assassination of Archbishop Juan Gerardi,a Guatemalan bishop who had protested military complicity in the murder of tens of thousands of Guatemalans-the US has officially ended its "Help the People" program.
Jun 22, 2003, 15:39
William William Pumpkineater Sick of Family Fame
"People are always asking about my brother, Pete, but what about me?" From his isolated cabin deep in the woods of Montana, William William shared with us how his life has changed since the limerickal exposé published by Mother Goose defaming his brother some years back.
Jun 22, 2003, 02:40
Bush on Energy: "Git Us Some More Oil"
President Bush announced a new energy independence initiative on Saturday, involving cloning dinosaurs, time travel and possibly Steven Spielberg.
Jun 21, 2003, 23:43
Music 101 for Suckers; What ya Gotta Know.
Admit it...your classifications of music types consist of "This Rocks" and "This Blows Chunks". Our handy-dandy music guide will take you from Musically Clueless to Grand Master Groove in just seconds!
Jun 21, 2003, 12:21
Capitol Hill loses century-old Senator to vermin
If a tree falls in the forest, and Strom Thurmond's hearing aids aren't on, does it make a sound?
Jun 21, 2003, 00:14
Study: Inflation Causing People to Work Long Past Death
Inflation projections are causing many people to plan on working long after they're dead. Sound difficult? Elvis has done it for over 25 years, and you can, too!
Jun 20, 2003, 12:26
Incredible Hulk Signs NFL Contract
Despite trouble with the US Government, a problem finding well-fitting clothes and some serious anger management issues, The Incredible Hulk was signed to a 5-year contract to the Oakland Raiders yesterday.
Jun 20, 2003, 10:05
Man Dupes Girlfriend Into Seeing Porn Movie
A local man tricked his girlfriend into thinking a video he rented was the action-packed Vin Diesel thriller, "XXX". In reality, the movie was the dwarf-packed XXX bestseller, "Midget Japanese Schoolgirls".
Jun 20, 2003, 07:05
Kelloggs Comes Clean On Flaming Pop-Tarts
Kellogg's Assasination Pop-Tarts ® ~ Now in six new yummy and painfully lethal flavors. They're GRRRRRREAT for on-the-go breakfast assasinations. Three minutes and Abdul the Terrorist is writhing in agony!
Jun 19, 2003, 13:02
Britney Spears' Bare Breasts Explode the Heads of 2,590 Males
Pop singer Britney Spears' breasts are at the center of an unprecedented event in the world of live performance: mammary-induced skull explosions.
Jun 19, 2003, 09:10
Holy Sh*t, it's the Holy Crapper
In a remote village in France, Jesus has decided to watch the villagers during their most intimate bowel movement moments. Don't forget to flush.
Jun 19, 2003, 04:03
Drunks Against Madd Mothers Having Trouble Getting To Meetings
Luke Harrington has been attempting to attend DAMM (Drunks Against Madd Mothers) meetings for the past two Thursdays; however mysterious mishaps always seem to keep him from getting there.
Jun 18, 2003, 15:27
Blind Date Fatter Than Expected
Friends came to the aid of Jason Hornig yesterday after he discovered a much-anticipated Internet date was “disappointingly chubby.”
Jun 18, 2003, 08:14
Dr. Laura Dead by Head
A terrible accident involving a 'personal massage device' has claimed the life of famed radio talk show host Dr. Laura.
Jun 18, 2003, 06:06
Midget Terrorist Group Seizes Six Flags Theme Park
A group identified as "It's Not A Small World After All", comprised of midget terrorists, has stormed and overtaken the Six Flags Amusement Park in St. Louis.
Jun 17, 2003, 14:30
Israel, Hamas Vow to Fight with the Finnish
Israel forces wedgied seven Helsinkians in its third "pull thong" attack in 24 hours Monday, creating a new gap in Israeli foreign affairs.
Jun 17, 2003, 08:30
Sisyphus Goes on Strike
Legendary Greek Boulder Roller Sisyphus has gone on strike, following a disagreement over a freeze in his current wages. His boulder sits motionless at the bottom of a hill where he is currently employed by Hades Incorporated.
Jun 17, 2003, 06:00
Chess Club Hazing Victim Unable To Remove Rook From Rectum
Chess seems innocent enough, but any game with a board full of phallac symbols has to be dangerous. Hazing... it's not just for jocks anymore.
Jun 16, 2003, 22:19
Father's Day Gift Special
With father's day just behind us, this helpful belated guide gives helpful tips on how to show dad he's your number one...
Jun 16, 2003, 14:41
More Parents Monitoring Children's Web-Porn Viewing
LOS ANGELES– More parents are taking the time to monitor the pornography their children view on the internet, according to the second annual Walt Disney Co. study on the subject.
Jun 16, 2003, 04:18
95% Surveyed "Never F*cking Curse"
We're a nation of potty mouths, but at least we're in f*cking denial about it. Survey trends released show that truth is now approaching skin deep, while denial is still a river in Africa.
Jun 15, 2003, 23:34
Porn Sites Demand Domain Expansion
If successful, the lobby for unique domains will result in more specific porno sites. Be on the leading edge of the .smut surge!
Jun 15, 2003, 09:32
More 'Time' Found
A new discovery about 'time', 'time gaps' and unused minutes solves the mystery of those personal blackout moments.
Jun 15, 2003, 05:00
Vatican Endorses "Holey Condom"
Who says the embattled Catholic Church can't change? Well, OK, maybe tens of thousands of sexually abused chuch-members. Anyway, the church is moving forward by supporting condoms. "Blessed - for His pleasure."
Jun 14, 2003, 05:15
'Map to Peace' replaced by GPS
Bulky roadmaps are a thing of the past, on the road to Middle-Eastern peace...the "Peace GPS" is making it's debut.
Jun 14, 2003, 05:14
Man Who Masturbates to MTV Starting to Like the Music
Going blind isn't the only worry any more; read about one man who's music video-whacking has had a far worse side effect.
Jun 14, 2003, 05:10
Bennett Starts 'Slots for Sluts' Campaign
William Bennett starts "Salvation for Sexworkers" campaign in Las Vegas in order to give prostitutes a safe place to spend the night.
Jun 13, 2003, 05:17
Gingko Doesn't Aid... Something, I forget.
A comprehensive and fascinating look into the benefits of....uh....well, something. Crap! I completely forgot what this article is about.
Jun 13, 2003, 05:15
Redneck Foundation Seeks Donors and Someone Who Can Write
Got a Confederate flag taped to the hood of your El Camino? Argue with the TV, microwave and "danged city hot-shots" often? Not able to read this? If you answered "Yes", government money may be yours...
Jun 13, 2003, 05:13
Investigators Discover Sosa's Use of Bong Bats
First it was corked bats, now it's bong bats and a dope empire. Sammy Sosa claims it's all an honest mistake. But Baseball Commission imposes dreaded Twinkie ban.
Jun 12, 2003, 05:50
Man Nearly Starves Waiting for Late Dinner
I
n a frightening, almost tragic, turn of events, Larry Winthrop of Houston, TX, faced near starvation last week when his normally on-time dinner was two hours late.
Jun 12, 2003, 05:49
North Korea has 'Nu-Clear' Supplies
North Korea's 'nuclear' weapons program turns out to be a new line of household cleaning products.
Jun 12, 2003, 05:41
Greenpeace Attacks 'Living History' as Toxic Spill Spreads
Greenpeace has declared an environmental Jihad on Hillary Clinton's 'Living History' memoir, citing "global pollution beyond the scope of human imagination."
Jun 11, 2003, 07:03
Mac Users Hanging On with Air of Smugness
While Microsoft may have ceased supporting anything it produced prior to 1997, Bill Smatherton of Ontario, CA, says he doesn't care. " These are the voyages of the Starship, 'Macuser'...
Jun 11, 2003, 06:58
Pornoscopes
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, no matter what type of sicko sex-fiend you may be.
Jun 11, 2003, 06:43
FAA, Ebonic Culture Clash Causes Airport Tension, Sniffing
Confusion over who "da bomb" caused still further airport security checks last week, much to the delight of booty-sniffing canines.
Jun 10, 2003, 06:50
Local Man Loses Car At Mall
Sherman Oakes went to the mall to "pick up some more batteries for the kids toys". He claims he parked his white '94 2-door Dodge Colt in the row with the beaver symbol. After hours of searching, Oakes faced the inevitable; he'd lost his car.
Jun 10, 2003, 06:43
Accounting Intern Accidentally Deletes The Internet
Julia Walters, a 19 year old intern at Johnson & Kelter Accounting was brutally beaten to death by co-workers yesterday, after she accidentally deleted the internet while trying to print a document.
Jun 10, 2003, 06:27
NRA to Remove Guns from Iraq
The NRA has received a grant to remove guns from Iraq and ship them to the US. President Bush thinks the plan is super-duper.
Jun 9, 2003, 06:08
Affleck Considers Suing 'Aflac'
"That duck is goin' down," exclaimed a clearly perturbed Ben Affleck recently. The quacking spokesduck for Aflac Insurance has more than ruffled the Hollywood star's feathers.
Jun 9, 2003, 06:04
Rescue 911 Bloopers - Hilarious Medical Misadventure Romp
Whoops - my bad! Madcap medical mayhem will keep you in stiches with these uproarious emergency-call blooper scenes.
Jun 9, 2003, 05:54
President Bush Shatters Head, Corked Brain Revealed
President Bush shocked fans on Wednesday when he broke his head during a cabinet meeting, revealing a corked brain.
Jun 8, 2003, 00:22
Rare Purgatory Acquittal Revives Gotti
Speaking at an impromptu press conference outside the pearly gates, Saint Peter announced the need to exhume the remains of the late John Gotti for formal resurrection, bringing the city-wide sweep of disorganized crime at an end
Jun 8, 2003, 00:12
Masturbators Anonymous Meeting Postponed due to Porno-athon
Havin' a Whack-Attack? Well gee, have a stroke about it, why doncha?
Jun 8, 2003, 00:09
More Government Reform Coming
President Bush today announced a sweeping new proposal to reform the government.
Jun 7, 2003, 06:45
Haggis Incident Puts Nations on High Meat Alert
Mad Cow disease, world-wide terrorism, Haggis attacks...can Meats of Mass Destruction be far off?
Jun 7, 2003, 03:03
Internet Piracy a Myth
Have you ever TRIED to make a living as an Internet Pirate? Good luck, Captain Dumbass! It's just another masterful marketing tactic by big, fat, treasure-laden executives.
Jun 7, 2003, 02:54
Fun Kids Word Scramble!
Help Dyslexic Dan untangle his jumbled head. Wacky fun for everyone!
Jun 6, 2003, 06:50
Interview With Martha Stewart
A candid peek into the thoughts of a beleaguered media mogul.
Jun 6, 2003, 06:46
Police Praise "Scare-Pimp" Success
Pimpin' is on the run in major American cities, thanks to a revolutionary crime-fighting weapon. Meet the bitch-slappin' Scare-Pimp!
Jun 6, 2003, 04:39
Sosa Caught with Corked Wine Bottle
Proving that major league athletes can sometimes be "corkheads," Sammy Sosa faces a tarnish on his record and a barrage of late night jokes.
Jun 5, 2003, 01:37
Alien Adductions Reach Epidemic Proportions
NASA is growing irritated at incomplete missions fouled by meddling do-gooder aliens returning humans to earth prematurely in the name of stellar safety.
Jun 5, 2003, 00:05
Bush Exposed at G8 Summit
Faced with humiliating questions about the whereabouts of Iraq’s elusive weapons of mass destruction, US President George W. Bush began a strip show at the G8 Summit.
Jun 5, 2003, 00:03
Solar System Much Like Ours; May Contain Similar Assholes
After 15 years of searching the cosmos, astronomers announced last week the discovery of an extrasolar planet that could possibly contain characteristics similar to that of earth: human assholes.
Jun 5, 2003, 00:02
Satire Editor's Slow-Speed Chase Ends Strange Saga
The final chapter in GlossyNews editor Brian K. White’s lost weekend was completed Tuesday when the missing satirist returned to Las Vegas in a tense slow-speed car chase with area police.
Jun 4, 2003, 11:55
Senator Santorum Raped by Rottweiler
In an ironic twist of fate, Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, whose comments regarding the unconstitutionality of sodomy, incest, adultery, and beastiality caused concern among both libertarians and gay rights groups, has been deflowered by a three year old Rottweiler named Stud.
Jun 4, 2003, 06:42
Barbara Walters Goes Out in Public Without Soft Focus Blur, Thousands Terrified
Barbara Walters has unleashed a personal Shock and Awe campaign on Los Angeles by appearing in public....without any soft-focus facial blurring!!!
Jun 4, 2003, 06:20
G8 Pin Hopes On New Mascot
Whether it's a sign of desperation or part of a shrewd tactical plan, the G8 hope to turn to a well-known icon of cereals to help rebuild their reputation and public persona.
Jun 3, 2003, 06:05
Rocket Fails to Launch
"Yankees, we have a problem."
"Roger that."
Jun 3, 2003, 05:03
Satire Editor's Strange Saga Takes Frightening Turn
The strange odyssey of GlossyNews editor Brian White took a sobering turn on Sunday when the troubled newlywed was reported missing by his vivacious dominatrix bride, Mistress Morgan-White.
Jun 2, 2003, 12:13
FBI Investigates "Kiddie Bartenders"
Martha Stewart says they're hot but the FBI says cool it. Children as bartenders. Would you have them at your wedding?
Jun 2, 2003, 08:43
Chaos Erupts at Streak Dance
Chaos erupted Saturday night and eighty-seven people were arrested at the American Legion's "Streak Dance".
Jun 2, 2003, 08:41
Priest Ostracized For Not Molesting Altar Boys
After nine weeks of surveillance by a private investigator hired by members of the community, Pastor Johan Fealy of image1Mulletville, Indiana was found to have not once touched any child, male or female, in an improper or sexual manner.
Jun 2, 2003, 08:40
A Satire Editor's Sordid Tale: Part 2
Brian White's sordid saga of despair in Las Vegas continues as he looks for love in all the wrong places...and then learns to face his pain.
Jun 1, 2003, 12:55
N. Korea on Bush: "Only After Our Coal"
Nuclear build-up? Global threat? Little Munchkin Sydrome? Kim Jong II says it's all about America's insatiable thirst for fuel.
Jun 1, 2003, 00:07
Vegetarian Zombies Hoping to Break Stigma
A new sect of zombism that hopes to break that stigma by advancing themselves with higher learning and a new vegetarian diet.
Jun 1, 2003, 00:03
Falwell Hates Detailed Dating Questionaire
Evangelist Jerry Falwell explores the anguish of online dating.
Jun 1, 2003, 00:02
Satire Editor Sinks into Self Destruction: Part 1
Like many unstable celebrities, GlossyNews Editor Brian White is self-medicating after scant response to a recent editorial plea. Read the first unnerving report of White's high-speed flight down his personal highway to hell.
May 31, 2003, 10:58
Canadian Beef Okay If Not Ingested
Much to the relief of cattle men across Canada, scientists have deteremined that Canadian beef is perfectly okay so long as it's not eaten.
May 31, 2003, 05:22
Desperate Jackson Opens 'Neverland' Theme Park
Michael Jackson may be near bankruptcy. See what the Man of a Million Faces is doing to get back in black. No, we're just talking finances here.
May 31, 2003, 00:03
Another Word Scramble with Dyslexic Dan
Hey kids! Test your dyslexic wits with another wacky word scramble. Fun for the whole family!
May 30, 2003, 21:33
SARS Fears Prompt Quarantine of Popular Cats
Toronto -- Growing concern regarding the spread of SARS has prompted health officials around the world to quarantine Garfield, the Cheshire Cat, and Hello Kitty in efforts to contain the deadly virus.
May 29, 2003, 05:14
Peterson Evidence Released: "Kill Wife"... uh, I mean, "Go Fishing"
State prosecutors have released key evidence to Scott Peterson's defense attorny, including Peterson's personal 'To-Do' list.
May 29, 2003, 00:27
Anti-Nuclear Non-Proliferation Groups Cancel Each Other Out
Pro-nuclear world wins significant victory when anti-nuclear and non-proliferation factions came together, cancelled each other out.
May 28, 2003, 14:52
Satirist Turns 29
If the 13th birthday marks the begining of youth, the 29th can be "last call". High school reunions with people I'd just as soon not remember aside (since I simply forgot to go,) I'm left with the often embarassing harvest of my inexperience.
May 28, 2003, 02:55
The Cutting Edge of Farming
Jerry Summit may be on the cutting edge of modern farming techniques, but he claims he is just following old family tradition. Mind you that tradition says that to survive you must always innovate.
May 28, 2003, 00:11
Mummy Business Thrives in Nevada
A local businessman has has cornered the cadaver market in Nevada. Is "Mummy Depot" next?
May 27, 2003, 17:31
Pentagon to Create Massive Line of Playing Cards & Toys
Pentagon officials announced today, based on the success of the Saddam Hussein playing cards, that the Defense Department (soon to be renamed the Dept. of Aggressive Kindness) will be making a series of "toys, video games, playing cards and froo froos" available to the general public.
May 27, 2003, 10:44
Spartan Airlines Flies Lean
New ultra low cost airline cuts costs by eliminating those pesky employees.
May 26, 2003, 15:56
Man Admits to Playing D&D, Dumped by Girlfriend
Jerry Frazier, 26, lost his girlfriend of six-months after he confessed his secret passion for playing Dungeons and Dragons.
May 26, 2003, 08:53
Arafat "Condones, er, I Mean Condemns Terrorism"
After an historic face to face sit down, Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat agreed on demands for peace terms. "It was great," said Arafat in his broken and nearly unintelligible English. "It turns (out) we both (want the) same (thing)."
May 26, 2003, 01:56
Korea Insists Nuke Plants for BBQ'ing
North Korean officials released a statement early today claiming that recently activated nuclear facilities pose no threat to the United States or any nearby nation.
May 25, 2003, 17:41
New Iraq Looks Very Similar to Old Iraq
War, regime change has done nothing to create a vibrant retailing industry in Iraq.
May 25, 2003, 17:09
Jackass Steve-O Jailed in Sweden, Probe Deepens
Swedish police are waiting for evidence that MTV's 'Steve-O" of Jackass fame swallowed a condom full of marijuana.
May 25, 2003, 00:47
Man Sues Ex for "Being a B*tch"
The small Wichita courtroom was filled to capacity this morning as Terry Summers read the opening arguments against Becky Winger, the accused "big bitch".
May 24, 2003, 13:24
Texas Teen Exodus to Oklahoma
Austin Students Avert Certain Failure
May 24, 2003, 13:06
Spiderman Reveals Identity, Demands Tacos
Web-slinging crimefighter Spiderman revealed his secret identity - and a craving for tacos - in a rare appearance at a county Representative's office last week.
May 24, 2003, 00:58
Placebonol Offers Miralce Cure(s)
This break through drug boasts over a 30% cure rate across the board. The drug may be taken preventatively twice a day as a precaution against cancer, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, bowel irregularity, male pattern baldness and weeping genital sores, just to name a few.
May 23, 2003, 15:13
Human Genome Cliff's Notes Available
Following the successful sequencing of the human genome and the some 4900 subsequent articles a condensed 32-volume reference is now in stores everywhere.
May 23, 2003, 14:51
Madonna's SEXplosive Interview
The Material Girl provokes debate over her "American Life" video and CD.
May 23, 2003, 09:58
The Scotty & Ohura-Scopes
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be.
May 22, 2003, 17:47
Hot ass Anna Kournikova almost beats some chick
Tennis fans and perverts around the world rejoiced as Anna Kournikova missed capturing her first WTA singles championship by a mere 44 points Sunday.
May 22, 2003, 17:34
WalMart Sex Ring Exposed
Bargain-Basement Brothel Undercuts Competition
May 22, 2003, 17:13
Time-Life Captures Iraq War
There's no better way to re-live the intrigue, excitement and devastation of the Iraq war than through Time-Life Books. Now, in this exclusive offer, you can get the entire 'Iraq War - 2003' collection for a fraction of the retail price.
May 22, 2003, 15:35
Fun kids word scramble!
May 22, 2003, 15:27
Fox Network Announces Survivor Clone
In a direct attack on competitor CBS's highly successful Survival series, Fox Network has announced a new prime time show titled, “True Survivor, Featuring Oliver North.” Both executive producer George Esactun and North were present for the announcement which was held at Holly's Green Tamale in Hollywood.
May 22, 2003, 15:14
US Confirms Weapons of Puny Destruction
While no Weapons of Mass Destruction have been found in Iraq the danger is still eminent enough that President Bush has called a press conference to announce the discovery of the less serious but still dangerous WPDs, Weapons of Puny Destruction.
May 22, 2003, 15:00
Confirmed; School Bully Has "Small Penis"
New York-Butch Jansen, senior and feared class bully at Hedgewood High School, lost all status yesterday when a ninth-grader saw his "thinger" in the gym locker room.
May 22, 2003, 14:38
Felons Screen Passengers as Security Tightens
U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge acknowledged Tuesday that “sloppiness” in the recruitment of airport passenger screeners resulted in the hiring of several undesirable security personnel.
May 22, 2003, 14:30
'Grilling, Suicide and Name-Calling' Plan Unleashed
Iraq's Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, announced a new, three-pronged Iraqi offensive today, focusing on roasted stomachs, blowing your brains out and some really nasty insults.
Apr 23, 2003, 09:37
Saddam Dead
In an amazing twist of events in the war against Iraq, new evidence appears to show that Saddam Hussein died in the December 1998 cruise missile attacks on Baghdad.
Mar 20, 2003, 18:47
Americans Cheer as Moo Forced to Watch Propaganda Tapes
Early this morning in England, a team of crack commando red-necks stormed the home of Chairman Moo and forced him to watch footage of WWII in which the US assisted England from the threat of Germany "bombing them in to the ocean".
Oct 13, 2002, 13:01
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