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In the news...
Snore-a-Scopes (horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. Even YOU, ya super snorin', over/under sleeping (hyper?)insomniac...
Dec 6, 2003, 07:51
Elvis Sighting at Macy's
A man fitting the description of Elvis Presley was seen Saturday afternoon at Macy's. While we at Glossy News normaly refrain from exploiting dead celebrities, we're certain the King of Rock & Roll is alive, as he ripped off an entire deli tray at our office Christmas party in 1998. He was supposed to be filling our stockings with drugs...
Dec 4, 2003, 07:15
Penguin Probing Alleges Leakage
The Department of Penguin Justice launched a full scale investigation into what it believes are leakage points in the national protection moat. The nation is now on a Level Mauve penguin terror alert. If you observe any suspicious penguin activity, contact the authorities immediately.
Dec 3, 2003, 07:24
Turkey Unpardons Turkey
The First Turkey unpardons the Thanksgiving Day Turkey, on the suspicion Second Turkey is terrorist. The pardon was issued null and void on the suspicion that Stars is a covert Al Qaeda operative.
Nov 28, 2003, 08:30
Tarot Deck Accurately Predicts 1974: Scientists Baffled!
Psychic or Charlatan? Using a Ride Waite tarot deck manufactured in 1968, Leroi McCaroni, a prominent New Orleans psychic, has astounded research scientists by predicting with 100% accuracy events that actually occurred in 1974.
Nov 26, 2003, 08:16
Megaman Kills Last Penguin, Tells Capcom to "Kiss Off"
Citing irreconcilable differences with Capcom, Megaman left his employee ID card on the roof of the corporation’s headquarters this week, leaving one of the most lucrative video game hero careers in history for the pursuit of a culinary career.
Nov 25, 2003, 07:33
Slut 2.0 Introduces Hot-Swappable Ports
On the eve of release, designers and critics alike are praising the much anticipated release of the newest version of Slut. Whether you are a casual user or a diehard Slut enthusiast, the robust build promises a hole new experience in high speed access.
Nov 24, 2003, 05:20
From Archives; Real Life X-Files, Get XXX-Rating
In a bizarre development in the war on terrorism, it has been claimed that the CIA has revived its paranormal research program in a desperate attempt to locate Osama bin Laden.
Nov 22, 2003, 11:46
Bush Down For The Hood, Vows to Boost Cluck Market
President Bush plan to allocate $18 million to struggling drug dealers. “Young people are struggling to make ends meet by selling prescription pills one at a time. That's not the American way. We need to get these dealers back on the streets with some boo-ya inventories."
Nov 21, 2003, 08:29
Microsoft Develops Loc Service Demon
Microsofts new MAUL 1000 is a fully-automated customer service mainframe that removes all humans from customer interface. While nobody is going to miss the inept yet completely incompetent telephone support geeks, the new system is displaying a few nasty, doomsday tendencies. Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
Nov 20, 2003, 08:00
BinGO Xtreme Headlines ESPN2's New Lineup
ESPN2 announced its new program lineup today, hoping to attract a wider audience to the content-starved channel. The shows will redefine "sport" as we know it.
Nov 19, 2003, 08:25
Man Moves to Utah for the Loose Women
Ricky Morgan of Kentucky decided last week he's moving to Utah in hopes to “get me a bunch of bitches.” Morgan, a self proclaimed “Ladies Man,” is fascinated by the idea of having several wives, and is heading to the Land of Bigamy to live out his dream. Sadly, he's never actually SEEN a Mormon woman before.
Nov 18, 2003, 08:30
Surfer Loses Mouth In Bizarre Accident
In yet another bizarre story of partially eaten surfers, California surf king Michael Castado is fighting for his life in hospital this morning, after a seemingly routine wind-surfing jaunt turned into a limb-flapping, flesh-consuming horror.
Nov 17, 2003, 07:02
New Rumsfeld Memo Leaked
Another Rumsfeld memo has been leaked by a White House intern. In it, the Defense Secretary muses on war, lies, and Saddam envy. Is this the beginning of the end for Ol' Donald, or is he really "The One"?
Nov 14, 2003, 08:30
Stop Feeding Your Big Fat Face, You Tub Of Lard!
In an exlusive interview, weight gain/loss/gain/loss/gain expert Oprah Winfrey talks about successful ways for adding and shedding hundreds of pounds WITHOUT expensive diet pills, stomach staples or industrial liposuction.
Nov 13, 2003, 07:30
Couple Admits Enjoying Carrot Top Commercials
Bill and Carol Adams of North Dakota recently admitted during a dinner party that they enjoy TV commercials by “that red headed phone-commercial guy.” “Um, yeah, they're pretty good…I guess,” said one guest, as another tried frantically to change the subject.
Nov 12, 2003, 07:26
From the Archives; Ron Jeremy's Stunt Man Captured
Saturday a raid was executed in Rawalpindi Pakistan in which the stunt man of famed porn star Ron Jeremy was taken in to US custody
Nov 11, 2003, 09:13
Badgers Badger Britain
The past week has seen amazing scenes of rural carnage unfold across Britain, as frenzied mobs of villagers have attacked badger setts and savagely beaten and killed their apparently harmless black and white occupants.
Nov 11, 2003, 06:06
Our Baby Is a Clone
A Mississippi couple, Bill and Raylene Jones, announced that their newborn is, in fact, a clone. Unlike the infamous Raelian sect-linked company Clonaid that recently announced its own cloned baby, but refused to provide proof, the Jones' produced their baby through their own "in-house" cloning methodology.
Nov 10, 2003, 07:33
Who Got Benny Hill's Porn Stash?
In the ten years since the tragic death of saucy comedian Benny Hill, one question has continued to perplex his family and friends - just what did happen to Benny’s porn stash?
Nov 8, 2003, 11:10
Confused Howard Dean Campaigns for Enola Gay Rights
Apparently confusing the Enola Gay, the B-29 bomber that dropped the first atomic bomb, with the homo politically correct term “gay”, Democratic presidential frontrunner Howard Dean pledged to protect Enola Gay rights during a speech in San Francisco yesterday.
Nov 7, 2003, 08:40
Review: "Humongous Ta-Ta's 3"...uh..."Scary Movie 3"
Scary Movie 3 opens with Jenny McCarthy and Pam Anderson, who coincidentally enough shared the starring roles in my dream last night, in a room talking about a videotape that causes you to die seven days after you watch it. Sound familiar?
Nov 6, 2003, 12:33
Sun Harboring WMD, Coalition to Launch Attack
Recent solar activity from Sunspot 486 has prompted President Bush to declare the Sun a threat to the US. The President has authorized an interstellar attack against the evil fireball, and requests Americans everywhere to donate as much SPF-8,000,000 as they can.
Nov 6, 2003, 07:15
Local Man Subject of Probe
In this era of rampant terrorism, people can't even go to the mall without facing the latest in terrorist-fighting security tools. Think your 'package' is just gonna be X-rayed? Think again!
Nov 5, 2003, 10:30
Kobe Claims Woman Agreed To "Consensual Rape"
In a stunning interview with ESPN correspondent Robin Roberts yesterday, NBA star Kobe Bryant, standing trial for sexually assaulting a 19-year-old resort worker, admitted his act was indeed rape. However, Bryant maintains the rape was completely consensual.
Nov 4, 2003, 15:30
Decorative Basket Capital #1 in Male Suicides
Dresden, Ohio, the official “Basket Capital of the World”, has capitalized on it's fame by combining miserable husbands, suicides and designer basket-urns...they're to die for!
Nov 4, 2003, 09:23
12 Year-Old Siezes Oil Platform
A four-man Navy SEAL Team led by a 12 year-old boy re-captured an Iraqi oil platform from Saddam loyalists yesterday, striking another major, though obviously the same, blow to guerilla forces in Iraq.
Nov 3, 2003, 09:49
"I don't foul myself at night since getting corporate money..."
President George W. Bush says that giving up heavy drug use, humility and taking up dyslexic junkies has changed his short, brutish life. "I tell you frogs, folks - the pleasure of waking up and finding that I have not fouled myself with feces is very ready.... up... long out!"
Nov 1, 2003, 09:08
COSTUME REPORT - Jimmy, The Peep Show JizzMopper
Man, there's nothing like working in the adult entertainment industry...hot chics, quivering flesh, various discharges of a viscous nature. A smart young man can really clean up in this jiggling, juicy environment.
Oct 31, 2003, 15:00
Jim Morrison's Corpse Faces Rape Charge
A California woman in Paris to visit the grave of Jim Morrison has filed charges against the deceased singer, accusing him of rape. Renowned lawyer Johnnie Cochran will defend the dead rocker, and was quoted as saying, "Are you high on crack? The man's DEAD!"
Oct 31, 2003, 09:30
Fat Office Lady Dresses as Fat TV Lady
"It was so surprising," said coworker Adam Finley. "Every year she surprises us, and this year was no exception." Becky Bettenfield, of Purdy Daniel Affiliates has been dressed as a fat lady from TV for the last 14 years, it's only a matter of which fat lady she wishes to be this year.
Oct 31, 2003, 07:10
COSTUME REPORT - Queen of Cell Block C
Don't it just warm your heart to know that prisoners get not only three square meals a day, cable TV, and fine jobs making license plates, but they also get their own governing body and legalized rape system? AND some fine, orange-colored prison jumpsuits? Sweeeet!
Oct 30, 2003, 15:30
Door-to-Doorascopes (Halloween Horrorscopes)
Halloween Horroscopes: Consult the stars to find what your trick-or-treating future holds. Candy, gum, rocks, razors, a hot babe in a latex devil's outfit and a battery-operated pitchfork...it's all in the stars!
Oct 30, 2003, 08:21
COSTUME REPORT - Hush Little Choir Boy, Don't You Cry
Never mind the Ninja Turtle, Spiderman, Hulk, SpongeBob Squarepants and Anne Nicole Smith costumes! If you want some REAL treats, you'll dress up they way Father O'Malley suggests...
Oct 29, 2003, 15:19
"Other" Site Runs Biased, Incomplete and Frankly Broken Article
On October 23rd an article on Broken News appeared about how confusing baseball is across Europe. With harsh writer bias and numerous errors and omissions, I fail to see how this ever slipped by the handsome satire magnate Bill Doty.
Oct 29, 2003, 10:15
Razor Blade Sales Down Despite Halloween
Despite Halloween being just a few days away, razor blade sales have continued to slump on poor economic forecasts. Additionally, hypodermic needle and glass shard demand remain at an all-time low. What kind of holiday has this become??
Oct 29, 2003, 07:30
COSTUME REPORT - The Human Popsicle
A clever yet simple costume that's selling like mad this year. Yes, that's right, the human popsicle. Not raspberry nor chocolate (well, OK, in special cases you might say so...let's just leave that alone for now...)
Oct 28, 2003, 14:48
Safe Halloween? Personal Body Armor Costumes Are FUN!
What are this year's Halloweeners wearing? They're wearing the finest in protective costume-wear or nothing at all. And that means Kevlar-Only costumes for this year's fashionable candy-monger.
Oct 28, 2003, 08:32
COSTUME REPORT - Martha Stewart Inmate Collection
Being on a prisoner's budget doesn't mean giving up feeling fashionable. Today's penitentiaries offer a veritable cornucopia of costumes for Halloween. Just believe and you can do it!
Oct 27, 2003, 14:15
Crips, Bloods Deployed to Dis 'Ssein Clucks
The US has decided to intensify the effort to root out the remaining Hussein loyalists in Baghdad by injecting America's highest-trained urban warfare personnel: the Crips, The Bloods, NS-13 and the 18th Street Gang. Whadup, 'Ssein-man?
Oct 27, 2003, 08:05
Sunday Funnies: Tank McNamara (sort of)
Hey Kids! Do you love sports as much as we do? Does Daddy send you outside to play whenever women's tennis is on? Wanna find out why? You bet you do!!
Oct 26, 2003, 08:22
Halloween Candy Special Report
Is yours the house that, year after year, gets egged, soaped, t.p.'d, spray-painted, set on fire or surrounded by an angry horde of little costumed terrorists? No? Then try some of these carefully selected trick-or-treater hand-outs ~
Oct 25, 2003, 08:35
COSTUME REPORT - Ultra Creepy Ghost
Imagine a ghost that's both visible and tangible. Imagine a ghost that anyone can see, that looks just like a normal man. Imagine a ghost so real, so life-like, he could pass for one of us. Imagine he's looking over your shoulder right now...
Oct 24, 2003, 12:00
Drinking and Driving Overrated
I may never comprehend...couldn't even keep my head on straight enough to try. Eventually nothing else mattered...still content with my drinking...oblivious to everything else...good times in the testing lab, bad times for the road.
Oct 24, 2003, 08:31
COSTUME REPORT - The Divorced Man
You're never too old for trick-or-treating ~ ~ This years most popular costume for middle-aged men can be made up of things he's already got...no money, no kids, no house, no future...and a custom-made midlife crisis. Scary? You bet!
Oct 23, 2003, 11:00
Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone
The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol.
Oct 23, 2003, 07:14
COSTUME REPORT - Moving Targets
The D.C. snipers are on trial, and John Allen Muhammad decided that defending himself isn't such a swift idea, despite historical data saying that one in every eighteen kajillion self-defenders win their cases. So, what better time to make tasteless halloween sniper jokes for profit?
Oct 22, 2003, 15:04
The True Story Behind The Downfall Of Olestra
Six years ago, Olestra was born, and life as we knew it changed dramatically. Olestra allowed people to eat a bag of potato chips and gain only two pounds instead of five. Unfortunately, the remaining three pounds tended to exit the body uncontrollably in the form of Rectus Eruptus Maximus.
Oct 22, 2003, 10:20
Longtime Pooh Friend, Piglet, Hideously Butchered
Christopher Robin, the local mentally disturbed man who for years believed a pig at his family's farm was sentient, finally snapped back into reality last week and butchered his friend and longtime swine companion, known to residents as "Piglet".
Oct 22, 2003, 07:38
Bush Devises Cunning Covert Plan
Early this morning the venerable President Bush announced a new covert operation plan, allegedly devised by the President himself. Though he was unavailable for comment, no one else was willing to take even an ounce of credit for it.
Oct 21, 2003, 13:53
Shaq Signs Deal For $850M, California
The ever rising cost of securing the services of a high profile professional athlete may have escalated out of control this weekend with the signing of marquee center Shaquille O'Neal by the Los Angeles Clippers.
Oct 21, 2003, 07:30
COSTUME REPORT - Corporate Raiders of the Lost Stock
Oh, these dastardly powermongers! Imagine the terrifying power of those who single-handedly destroy and devalue billions of dollars of hard-working, honest stockholders and employees.
Oct 20, 2003, 15:30
Blaine Gets Whiff of British Cuisine, Vows to Starve To Death
After briefly ending his 44-day starvation stunt, illusionist David Blaine willfully retreated back to his Plexiglas box for another 44 days. Blaine, who emerged from his suspended enclosure Sunday in London, took a deep breath then immediately retreated back into his box after catching a whiff British cuisine.
Oct 20, 2003, 10:16
Rush Says Reefer High an Oxymoron; Morons Disagree
Over 20 million Americans enthusiastically enjoy the effects of marijuana each year. Still, incendiary radio personality, Rush Limbaugh refers to the drug as "hype in a pipe", and insists a reefer buzz is nothing compared to....uhhhh...ha-ha-ha-ha!...what?
Oct 20, 2003, 07:30
Waves of Weirdness - Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc Fish
Being the head honcho of anything that involves a group of people larger than, say, two, can make a person susceptible to all kind of brainwave distortions, and it seems the longer you’re in charge, and the bigger the group, the bigger these brain palpitations can be. Reverend Doc takes a look at his own temporal load transmissions in this week's Savin' Souls With Rev. Doc Fish.
Oct 19, 2003, 11:37
Arizona Man Hasn't Had ANY Phone Call In 39 Years
In this day and age where telemarketers are granted permission to call households at will, you would think Harold Hendricks would have been deluged with calls. After all, he's had the same phone number for 39 years, is listed in the phonebook consistently, and is on a number of mailing lists.
Oct 18, 2003, 21:51
GOP Shocked By New Gropenator Allegations
Two weeks after their landslide win in the Califonia recall vote, GOP leaders are expressing dismay over newly released allegations of sexual misconduct by Governor Elect Terminator, AKA "The Governator", AKA "The Gropenator".
Oct 17, 2003, 15:00
'Brothers in Peace' Leaders to be Executed
An unprecedented joint Israeli and Palestinian court sentences the leaders of Brothers in Peace to death. Finally something both Israelis and Palestinians can rejoice over!
Oct 17, 2003, 07:54
Couch Potatos! Make Money Doing Nothing
Say, are you one of the millions of lazy bastards born in the '60's, still living at home, waking up at the crack of noon every day just to watch TV or decide if today's the day you take a shower? Then this new money-making program is for YOU!
Oct 16, 2003, 15:00
Cubs Lose, Cosmos Safe
After trailing the series 3-1 to the Chicago Cubs, the Florida Marlins save planet Earth from certain destruction by beating the Lovable Losers and advancing to the World Series.
Oct 16, 2003, 08:00
Canadian Financial Tsunami Unnoticed
After nine years of service, the Canadian Minster of Finance has been given the ax for reasons unbeknownst to himself, the cabinet and apparently also the Canadian Prime Minister, who offered only "I'm not sure what him leaving is all aboot, eh?"
Oct 15, 2003, 08:18
Russia Launches First Yak Into Space
Russia, out-classed by China's foray into the space biz, disgraced with budgetary shortfalls on the ISS project and their failure to produce a viable shuttle has decided to boldly go where no yak has gone before.
Oct 14, 2003, 15:32
Kobe Bryant Stars; "Who Wants to be F'd Real Hard"
A surprise newcomer to the world of off-color reality programming, PAX tv is set to change their image. The new show, rumored to star NBA star and diamond-buying rapist Kobe Bryant is already in the works.
Oct 14, 2003, 05:57
Babies-To-Go™ Franchises Closed by FTC
The well thought out business called Babies-To-Go™ was officially closed last Monday. The two tiered business offered both attractive baby rental as well as purchase programs.
Oct 14, 2003, 04:06
Weed Overrated Says Limbaugh
NEW YORK CITY - Over 20 million Americans enthusiastically enjoy the effects of marijuana each year. Its overwhelming popularity can be attributed to the hardiness of its plant source and an exceptionally devoted consumer base.
Oct 13, 2003, 23:50
New Weapons System: Too Smart
The Modern Ordnance Reinvestment Official Network (MORON) at the Pentagon announced today that its new "smart missiles" are being "withdrawn for more study".
Oct 13, 2003, 08:43
7th Inning Apocalypse - Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc
It's fall, even in South Florida, and that means such fall classics as college football, Sunday NFL, the World Series and the end of life as we know it. The Apocalypse could come before thousands of cheering fans at Wrigley or Fenway, and it could make for an ugly game. Reverend Doc pitches up some spiritual sliders in this week's Savin' Souls with Reverend Doc Fish.
Oct 12, 2003, 11:32
Kids Love Komix; It's Peanuts... kinda
Hey kids, do you love Peanuts? We don't have the salty snack, but we do have some rare behind the scenes footage for you. Good grief, Charlie Brown!
Oct 12, 2003, 08:24
Exploding Monk Showers Crowd With Pins
Death swooped on China's capital city last night, when a monk broke his 15-year meditation in a deadly fashion. Min Padgea had sat cross-legged in Kung Po Church for a decade and a half, in protest at the government's banning of pencil cases in schools.
Oct 11, 2003, 09:14
I Fear I'm Becoming A Pirate
As we get older, we all experience change. Some subtle, others monumental. Yeah, I'm bigger. Yep, stronger too... But now my hair is turning red?
Oct 10, 2003, 20:01
E-Z Guide to Religious Recruiting Methods
The Church Of England's bearded, hippy pacifist, homosexual friendly, Welsh druid as its new Archbishop of Canterbury - seems a desperate attempt to appear 'relevant' and modern in attracting new followers.
Oct 10, 2003, 15:46
WMD Overstock; Buy Now While Prices Last
In response to criticism for failure to evidence actual Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, the United States has just publicized an auction of weaponry to ordinary citizens, corporations and foreign interests. Chemicals, biohazards and savings galore!
Oct 10, 2003, 08:25
Pets Figure In Gender Balance
Having suffered as the only 'xx' in a household full of 'xy's, Virginia Smart of R.I. announced family gender rebalancing through pets. "I had household gender balance once before, but things happen...you take on a partner of the opposite gender, have another kid, of the opposite gender, and before you know it - bang, it's 3 males to one female. No good. I was feeling oppressed."
Oct 9, 2003, 15:34
Suicide Bomber to be Cloned For Execution
Following last months bombing outside a city building in Jerusalem, state officials have completed their lengthy trial of Abdar Mohoosher and have determined the best fitting punishment.
Oct 9, 2003, 08:05
NAACP Declares Kidnapping Race Biased Crime
With the numbers of child abduction cases across the country on the rise, serious charges have been raised by leaders in the black community. They are strongly suggesting that these men are guilty of far worse crimes beyond the obvious charges.
Oct 8, 2003, 17:42
Girl Sent Home From School, Not Looking "Trashy" Enough
This Week, Wilmington Middle School Student Council voted eleven to nothing to send Irene Sullivan home for not adhering to the school's stringent "trashy dress code."
Oct 8, 2003, 06:45
Child Star Search Full of Old People
Saw ads for a "child star" search and decided to tune in, you know, check it out. What a mockery on show business this is. All I saw was old people, like five to twelve years of geriatric age.
Oct 7, 2003, 16:03
Amazing X-10 Buys Yahoo for Cash
In a surprising, last minute bid, this week Amazing X-10 Camera Corp of Modesto California announced the success of their $84 Billion cash deal to acquire Yahoo.com.
Oct 7, 2003, 14:31
Math Doctorate Disproves Late Fees
After a two-hour presentation early Thursday, James VanDerBerger successfully disproved $140 in Washington Mutual Bank late fees. "I knew it could be done," VanDerBerger told waiting reporters, "but it wasn't easy."
Oct 7, 2003, 08:08
She-Devil Death In Minneapolis Courtroom
Greed, a gun, and a bitch prove to be a explosive combination. This has “based on a true story” written all over it. Let's hope Nicole Kidman stars. Or Mary Carey.
Oct 6, 2003, 14:55
Handsome Latin Athlete "Had Enough Tang"
Since emigrating from Brazil in 1998 Emelio LaFeurre estimates he's had no fewer than 2,000 sexual partners, and frankly, he's had enough. "I've got the accent, the olive skin, I speak French, I'm tall and a professional soccer play. It's frustrating to go out in public.
Oct 6, 2003, 08:55
Komix 4 Kids! Time for your favorite ZIGGY!
Don't mistake him for any other, this is your old pal Ziggy! Come on kids, learn something new about your hero and join in the fun!
Oct 5, 2003, 09:45
Total Bore-ascopes (horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be... even if we bore you to tears...
Oct 4, 2003, 09:34
Bare Breast Banter Bridged With Beer
Blonde Dr. Bacardi Breezer has shocked the world with her theory on how booze can help men do a Shania Twain and "really feel like a woman". It has nothing to do with having the decorators in once a month. Dr Breezer's controversial theory centers on two separate areas of the brain, and bridging them with massive quantities of alcohol.
Oct 3, 2003, 08:39
Study Finds "Flintstone's Kids" Numbers Diminishing
"Flintstone's Kids", once numbering around 10 million, were placed on the endangered species list by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Tuesday.
Oct 2, 2003, 09:04
Bassist Entwistle Died From Simultanious Blows
The cause of death for the Who's legendary bass player, John Entwistle, was ruled "death due to two simultaneous fatal blows. Put simply, too much blow." However, murder has been ruled out.
Oct 1, 2003, 07:40
Chicago Cubs Make Playoffs; Repent Now
The Chicago Cubs have clinched the NL Central Division title, and are in the hunt for the NL pennant. In other bizarre news, Madonna has released a children's book, Elvis is leading the polls in the California governor's race, and the state of Utah was overtaken by extraterrestrials from the planet Ribeye 4.
Sep 30, 2003, 15:00
Super Sex Supplement Members Out of Control
The Federal Drug Administration today announced an investigation into a herbal sexual supplement that's been linked to massive members running amock across the countryside, and the numbers of deaths across the country is swelling at an alarming rate.
Sep 30, 2003, 08:39
Expanded Personality Types Simplifies Psychiatry
To save time in diagnosing problems or issues, doctors use personality types. The current list of personality types identified to date are as follows...
Sep 29, 2003, 15:30
Bishop Blames Tough Times On Dog Eat Dog Collar World
A shortage of Catholic priests (other than in prison), has caused a drop off in attendance and drastic measures to be taken by high-ranking church officials already preoccupied with raising millions of dollars for their "Maybe Some Money Would Help" abuse funds.
Sep 29, 2003, 08:35
Kids do love Komix! (Not Dilbert, I Swear)
Hey kids and grownups alike, ready to read some hilarity from our old pal Dilbert? No? Good, because this is the next best thing, not copyright infringement at all! Enjoy!
Sep 28, 2003, 08:59
Making War More Affordable For Everyone
The US Congressional Budget Office predicts that the on-going police action in Iraq would cost between $90 and $130 billion more. "It's a real bargain as police actions go," said anonymous defense industry spokesperson, C. Powell. "But it won't be this cheap forever. The government should start the war now to avoid any late season price increases."
Sep 27, 2003, 08:16
Can I Talk to Whoever's in Charge of Wardrobe?
Okay, I'm not trying to be nitpicky, but what on earth is the meaning of this? I look like I dressed myself here people! I mean really! Fire engine shoes? Miniature Elton sunglasses?
Sep 26, 2003, 10:12
Frito Lay Markets The 5-Foot Long Frito
In perhaps the boldest and most cunning marketing idea since "New Coke", Frito Lay has come out with a five-foot long corn chip that is literally flying off the shelves.
Sep 25, 2003, 15:30
Madonna: Slippin' Subversion Down Britney Spears Throat
With a prime-time slip of the tongue, pop-diva Madonna has seduced America’s favorite blossomed child-star into a world of flesh-baring, sex-driven narcissism the likes of which hasn’t been seen since…well, the LAST time Madonna pulled some saliva-based publicity stunt.
Sep 25, 2003, 10:24
Ford Unveils Eco-Friendly Car, Vows Not To Produce
Among the multitudes of new cars announced by Ford this year, one received the most coverage - the Mother Nature. Battery-powered, ecologically safe and operates on pennies a day. Expected production: 1 prototype.
Sep 25, 2003, 06:52
Future News: Remedy For Remedial Bush League
September 11th 2035 - Disgraced ex United States president, George W. Bush is due for release tomorrow after spending the last 20 years behind bars for his role in the illegal invasions of Luxemburg, Spain, Greece, Basutoland, Tibet, The Falkland Islands, Tahiti, The Congo and Monte Carlo earlier this century.
Sep 24, 2003, 15:35
Drug Dealing Actually a Pyramid
Zeek was a normal young man seeking a hookup just two weeks ago, now he faces a dilemma. "I went to my guy and he was like, 'hey, you're a pretty good customer, how would you like to get your stuff at wholesale?' and I was like, 'sure, who wouldn't?' but I knew there was a catch."
Sep 24, 2003, 09:03
Matt Damon Talks & Talks & Talks & Talks & Talks & Talks & Talks About his Career
Actor/entrepreneur/upwardly-mobile/career obsessionist did his four thousandth show recently talking about his career. The program, which enters the Guinness Book of Meaningless and Demeaning Records, was the four thousandth highly personal interview featuring Damon talking about how he made it using personal charm, greed, chicanery, and friend Ben Affleck.
Sep 24, 2003, 03:38
Arafat Thanks Israelis for Demolition
Ramallah, West Bank - In a move that surprised many pundits and politicians, PLO President Yasser Arafat released a statement Sunday thanking the Israeli government for the destruction of the majority of his Ramallah headquarters.
Sep 23, 2003, 17:50
Democrats Lash Out At Presidential Slippers
In what appears to be the latest assault on the President's credibility, Democrats are now questioning when the President knew that one of his aides had tied his blue bedroom slippers late Monday evening, and especially why he told reporters he himself had tied the slippers the day before.
Sep 23, 2003, 15:01
White Haired Lady; Stop Licking Me
Went to the park the other day for a pretty standard writing session and photo shoot, (I do my best thinking outdoors,) when I was summarily accosted by a poofy white-haired old lady.
Sep 23, 2003, 09:30
Woman Sues McDonald's for Super Sizing Husband
McDonald's is facing more legal action from people claiming that they didn't know McDonald's food was unhealthy. Maybe they should be suing their parents for bringing them up all stupid like.
Sep 22, 2003, 13:20
Intestinal Connect-Four Unwise, Unrecommended
I know how the game of Connect-Four is played. You drop in checker after checker at random hoping that they will somehow form a line of four censecutive matching pieces.
Sep 22, 2003, 03:39
Southern Baptists Demand Siemens Change Name
The German engineering firm Siemens has announced it will change the name of one of its US product-lines from "Zyklon." Jewish groups have protested the use of the name, as it coincides with the name of an insecticide used during the later stages of the Nazi Holocaust.
Sep 21, 2003, 14:02
Special Report; How YOU Choose Baby Names
Glossy News knows the struggle you have to find good baby names, so this week, we're giddy as clams to share with you the best information available to help you pick out the name for your precious newcomer.
Sep 20, 2003, 18:51
Four-on-the-Floor-a-Scopes (Hotrod Horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. Even hot-rodding freaks like you, ya guzzler head!
Sep 20, 2003, 15:58
AOL To Remove "AOL" From It's Own Name
Time-Warner, Inc. has tossed the "AOL" portion of it's corporate name like a used condom. AOL vows to continue to pretend it's providing internet access to it's clueless customers "until somebody catches on that they don't really need us."
Sep 19, 2003, 15:00
Bush Caught in Ratings Scandal
In an effort to raise the President's approval ratings, senior Cabinet members were planning to fake the death of Vice-President Dick Cheney, hoping that the American public would believe that Mr. Bush was actually making all his own decisions.
Sep 19, 2003, 07:08
"Crypto-mania" Tour Kicks Off
On September 24th, VH-1's "Cryptomania Tour" will kick off in Cleveland with some of the marquee names in the music business performing together for the first time in decades.
Sep 18, 2003, 15:09
Hurricane Survival: You Shoulda Left, Dumbass!
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To wrap yourself as shown:
1: Put leg of sturdy chair through 100' roll of duct tape.
2: Grasp free end of tape in teeth.
3: Start spinning slowly.
4: Continue spinning until roll is depleted.
5: Lay down for 36 hours, see what happens.
Oh, yeah...make sure you eat a hearty meal beforehand, but don't drink too much, 'cause all that pee is gonna gather around your shoulders, then migrate toward your head. And don't, under any circumstances, take a crap. Just think happy thoughts. |
ATTENTION PENDING HURRICANE VICTIMS!
If you're reading this, you're obviously in total denial about your roof blowing off and internet access being temporarily disrupted. Or maybe you're one of those idiots that was on CNN last night saying "Aw, hell, we'll jest ride 'er out!" Good thinking.
Well, kiss everything you have goodbye; plywood over your windows won't do shit, and you've probably already eaten your emergency Oreos. Your only hope is to wrap yourself up in duct tape and pray for you wash up on dry land soon (see hurricane survival photo, right). You'll be protected from the elements, you'll more or less float, and if you die there'll be no messy, bloating body to deal with.
ACT NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
Sep 18, 2003, 10:34
'War On Drugs' Now 'War On Smuggling Seniors'
The U.S. Border Patrol has been authorized to shoot “drug-running criminal seniors” attempting to bring low-priced prescription drubgs across the Canadian border. Canadian Claratin my ass!
Sep 18, 2003, 08:02
Labor Stats Show 'Labor Stats' Top Growing Profession
The Bureau of Labor Statistics announced today that the number one projected growth area for employment in the advancing decade is the up-and-coming field of labor statistics. We were kinda hoping for something in the porn market...
Sep 17, 2003, 14:25
Congress Leads Way in Fleeing Hurricane
With Hurricane Isabel only hours away from a U.S. landfall, Congress today ordered the “immediate evacuation of US congressmen, senators and their drivers” from Washington, D.C., clearing the way for pre-storm bedlam and post-storm looting.
Sep 17, 2003, 11:58
Grandfather Bequeaths Giant Ears
Genetic heirs "less than thrilled", stepson indifferent. Norfolk VA. At the will reading of Walter Heywood beneficiaries felt anything from indifference to disappointment.
Sep 17, 2003, 07:05
Inflation Swells Bill-Head$ Yet Again
Five dollar bill can barely hold an Abe head!" Unemployment has climbed steadily over the last 18 months and stock values have tumbled. United States Federal Reserve spokespeople claim inflation is "in check".
Sep 16, 2003, 12:08
NYC Wins Olympic Bid, San Fran Gets Pride Parade - Again
Ending competition that enraptured the dozens Americans that actually care about the Olympics, the US Olympic Committee announced New York City as their nominee for the 2012 Olympics, beating out San Francisco, again, leaving the City by the Bay with nothing but another fag parade, again.
Sep 16, 2003, 06:47
Girlfriend Has Complex AND Simplex
Since last month when Greg Pitt started dating "Foxy" Roxanne Norton, his friends have known she has a complex. "She's always bearing designer clothes, talking about her weight, money, and accusing (Greg) of being on drugs when he disagrees with her," reports Mary Jane.
Sep 15, 2003, 12:12
Kim Jong-Il Named New L'Oreal Spokesmodel
The international cosmetics and beauty products giant L'Oreal has announced that North Korean President Kim Jong-Il has been named as spokesmodel for their new campaign.
Sep 15, 2003, 08:24
Kids Love Komix! Oh, and this ain't the Lockhorns
Hey kids, who's ready for the Sunday funnies? Golly, I sure think I am, but maybe I'm just insane, criminally insane that is!
Sep 14, 2003, 09:52
Special Report: What YOU Are Doing for Extra Cash?
With costs ever on the rise and the increasing the difficulty of making ends meet, what are YOU doing to cut the mustard? We asked this question, and here's what we learned.
Sep 13, 2003, 14:50
Porno Industry Ass. Sues 300 File Swappers
Hard work of cum-g*zzlers, funk-sluts jeopardized by theft
“Many pornographic filmmakers, particularly amateur ones, have had their work stolen by these file swappers,” said PIAA president Scott Oswald. “But even more so, the sperm-chugging cock fiends who sacrifice themselves for their art are being abused.”
Sep 13, 2003, 01:15
Professor On Parole Loses Job Bid
A former Penn State professor who committed a triple murder in Texas nearly four decades ago has lost a job offer at National University, San Diego. Officials at both schools were blissfully unaware of the academics lurid past.
Sep 12, 2003, 15:00
CDC Confirms: Depp has SAWNS
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta today confirmed that actor Johnny Depp has indeed been infected with the dreaded SAWNS virus (Sudden Acute Withdrawal of Nutsack Syndrome). The CDC sent a team of specialists to Depp’s home in the south of France on Friday.
Sep 12, 2003, 05:21
Man Remembers 9/11 by Doing Same Shit He Does Every Day
AUSTIN, TX– 21-year-old University of Texas economics major Paul Gerrard spent this September 11 remembering the victims of 2001's attacks along with millions of other Americans. He honored those passed by doing the same shit he does every day of the week: going to class, watching TV, and getting drunk.
Sep 12, 2003, 00:02
ATF to Regulate Mullets
In a long anticipated move, the US bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms has been put in charge of the staunch regulation of mullets, and their possession.
Sep 11, 2003, 20:14
“Happy 9-11 Day!” Quote Brings Freedom Fighters, Enemas
Greg Graman was severely beaten in front of Firehouse 306 in New York when he walked by a large group of fire fighters and yelled “Hey guys, Happy Nine-Eleven Day”!
Sep 11, 2003, 11:54
Festering Carp Carcus Newest "Endangered Species"
The Outdoorsman's Guide To Dead, Diseased, Filthy Fish. Carp, the ugly, smelly, big-ass fish that you always see floating atop the water attracting flies, leeches, and scumsuckers, may be a thing of the past.
Sep 11, 2003, 04:05
Weeping Sore-A-Scopes (horoscopes)
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. Even if you are all weepy sorey.
Sep 10, 2003, 23:39
Age Discrimination Crippling Toddler Industry
Americans have fought for freedom and equality for hundreds of years, but sadly, very little progress has been made. Age discrimination has been created and propagated by old people unchecked to this day, with not so much as a glimmer of change on the horizon.
Sep 10, 2003, 14:37
Pepsi Challenge Too Close to Call
Americans all over the country stayed awake all night, glued to their televisions, as Coca-Cola came within 5 votes of beating Pepsi in a nation wide taste test.
Sep 10, 2003, 02:47
Nobody Loves Raymond
"Studio Spin-Doctors Really Pulling the Wool Over on Viewers." "Everyone Loves Raymond" is one of the television shows that networks dream about. It is a comedy that is a perennial Emmy nominee for Best Comedy Series without having something most hit comedies need to survive more than six episodes: humor.
Sep 9, 2003, 23:43
Dragon Season Nearly Upon Us
Okay gang, time to sharpen up your swords and tune up your big wheels, it's that time of year again. Despite the frantic pleas from national Renaissance committees, the dragon remains off the endangered species list.
Sep 9, 2003, 14:11
Hillbilly Wins Weekend With the Queen Contest
Cleetus K.K.K. Rhodekill of Alabama U.S.A., was the proud winner of the controversial "Win A Weekend With The Queen of England" Contest.
Sep 9, 2003, 11:45
American Greedy Trial Lawyers Association, AGTLA, to Sue Itself for Destroying Nation
American Greedy Trial Lawyers Association, AGTLA, to Sue Itself for Destroying Nation. His clients, the American people, want him to sue his own organization to seek damages for "grievous offenses against common sense and individual responsibility" wrought by Spencer's own friends and comrades.
Sep 8, 2003, 18:59
Internet Causes Falling CD Sales; Crappy Music "Blameless" says RIAA
Further addressing its new mission, the RIAA also answered allegations that the decline in CD purchases may not be due entirely to the popularity of online file-sharing networks. Many have postulated that what may in fact be a significant cause of falling sales is the fact that such a large portion of today’s music is squalid, hellish, wretched trash, devoid of any merit and totally lacking in any talent to create it.
Sep 8, 2003, 17:14
Bush Offers Daughters for Iraq Help
Ignoring Secretary of State Powell's objections, Bush to secretly use the 'twin' option to garner French and German support for International bailout in Iraq. Should make a great B movie in a couple of years.
Sep 8, 2003, 10:02
Iraq Responds to Bush, “Oh, it’s already BEEN brought!”
Warring countries advised to "resolve it on the dance floor, bitch". IRAQ – In response to the renewed fighting in the Second Gulf War, Iraqi and American troops this week have shifted fighting to the dance floor, allowing their cheerleading squads settle the dispute with a good-natured dance competition.
Sep 6, 2003, 12:16
Legal Trend: More Celebs Suing Over Name Misuse
Spike Lee's lawsuit against Spike-TV has sparked a disturbing new legal trend among today's celeb community. After Spike Lee made headlines for suing 'Spike-TV' for causing confusion in the public over who was the real 'Spike', now other celebs are getting into the action.
Sep 5, 2003, 19:49
Dubya Says; "Bring it on!" to West Nile Mosquitoes
In a move reminiscent of his staged landing of a fighter jet on the flight deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, costumed in an air force flight suit, George W. Bush, this time, outfitted in the cover-alls of an exterminator,
declared war today on "all blood-sucking evil-doers, everywhere.
Sep 5, 2003, 13:48
Kooky Kidz's Komix; Getting High with Hi
Hey kids, here's your big chance to learn third hand the downfall of drug use and all that it entails. Come read, come learn, come giggle.
Sep 5, 2003, 10:03
Random Porno Generator
Glossy News has the decency to review every porno movie in history, generated and displayed at random for your viewing delight. For the .01% of our family viewers, it bears mention that this post is not quite safe for work.
Sep 4, 2003, 15:43
Monrovia Tourism Takes Unexpected Drop
Dr. Kris Ungele, Director of the Monrovia Tourist Board, announced in a press conference that months of bloodshed have had an unexpected negative impact on the tourism industry in 2003 for the West African nation.
Sep 4, 2003, 08:38
Sometimes-Invisible Woman Charged With Failure to Appear
Hazel Leota Head, one of the FBI's most wanted criminals, has been charged with murder, arson, and several other crimes. But perhaps her most troubling offense is her repeated failure to appear.
Sep 3, 2003, 19:46
Fed Offers 90 Days Same-As-Cash and Free Toaster
In a move that's raised eyebrows in the financial world, the Federal Reserve Board announced today that they will leave prime lending rate unchanged, but will offer the option of ninety days same as cash...and a free toaster!
Sep 3, 2003, 10:17
KFC Eliminates Mice, Skunk From "Ingredients" List
Kentucky Fried Chicken has agreed to discontinue use of all animal meats, such as chicken, skunk, mice, ferrets, and zebra, and simply call it "Kentucky Fried Bones".
Sep 3, 2003, 08:01
American Foreign Legion to be Formed
Thousands of American soldiers want to come home while thousands of foreign soldiers are looking for work. The President thinks a new American Foreign Legion can kill both birds, along with anything else he wants, with one stone.
Sep 2, 2003, 12:09
Bush Urges UN to Hang 500' US Flag From Building
President Bush asked the General Assembly of the United Nations to stand behind US policy by placing a gigantic American flag on the side of the famous edifice of modern global diplomacy in yet another big attempt to gain support for the American effort in Iraq.
Sep 2, 2003, 07:18
Wrestling Body, Animal Group Tussle Over WWF Name
Lawyers and witnesses for the World Wrestling Federation and the World Wildlife Federation nearly came to blows in a London courtroom this week in what has turned into a nasty
trademark dispute.
Sep 1, 2003, 08:30
Labor Day: How Do YOU Honor Labor?
Hot dogs, hamburgers, a fun family outing(s), cracking scab's heads open at a picket line. How do YOU like to hornor American labor?
Sep 1, 2003, 04:00
Prepare To Meet Thy Ring-Ding - Savin' Souls with Rev. Doc
Life on the edge of the Everglades carries a few certainties, not the least of which coincide with hurricane season. Winds of turmoil are brewing over the east Atlantic, and the Faithful Herd at the First Church of The Holy Fish is preparing to meet the fury head-on.
Aug 31, 2003, 12:44
Loch Ness Monster Discovered
The Loch Ness monster, long sought by scientist, tourist, conspiracy theorist and general wierdo alike, has finally been found. The creature was discovered and subsequently photographed in a local park during a routine playground inspection at a birthday party.
Aug 30, 2003, 23:23
Tabloid Journalist Accused Of Truifying Stories
Weekly World News reporter Bruce Johnson may have submitted dozens of factually correct articles over the past eight years, violating the tabloid’s strict falsification policy, causing a tremor of outrage amongst tabloid publications worldwide.
Aug 29, 2003, 15:30
Sex Fiends From Mars Launch Attack Against Earth
The planet Mars is closer to Earth than it’s been in 60,000 years, prompting the Imperial Martian Empire to launch an attack on Earth. Despite recent “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” books, NASA confirmed the impending attack in a two-hundred page report,
Alien Sex Fiends Are From Mars, And We’re All F*cked.
Aug 29, 2003, 09:00
White House Offers American People Shiny Objects
Facing tough questions about possible economic recession, rising unemployment, the threat of North Korea, rising nuclear powers in the Middle East and the deteriorating situation in Iraq, President Bush offers a new solution to America’s woes: shiny objects.
Aug 29, 2003, 07:22
Gray Davis Proposes Recall Results by "Ball Size"
In what appears to be another tactic in the California recall campaign, Governor Gray Davis has proposed the job of California Governor be determined not by votes, but by testicle size. With a proposal like that, the Governor needs a wheelbarrow to cart his around in.
Aug 28, 2003, 15:00
The Awful Diet
Having trouble shedding those extra pounds? This new diet plan will have you hurling unwanted calories like a bulimic supermodel...and you can eat all the fat you want!
Aug 28, 2003, 10:09
Britney Spears Endorses Bubble-Gum Condoms
The Wiggly Chewing Gum Company of Kenosha Wisconsin announced today that popstar Britney Spears has agreed to become the celebrity blowperson for its new line of bubble-gum condoms called Britney Booblegum Condoms. Minty fresh, and leaves teeth sparkling white!
Aug 28, 2003, 07:22
Häagen-Dazs Introduces Ass-Flavored Ice Cream
Ice cream giant Häagen-Dazs, creator of such well-loved flavors as Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Vanilla Fudge Swirl, stunned the industry yesterday with the surprise introduction of its new ass-flavored ice cream.
Aug 27, 2003, 09:29
Long Lost Twin Found at Day Spa
There are few who wouldn't agree that I'm the hardest working baby in journalism. With that said, I have no problem admitting that I enjoy taking time to unwind from the work-a-day grind.
Aug 27, 2003, 07:17
Supreme Court Fills Hole in the Lives of Gays
Over a month has passed since the Supreme Court ruled on Lawrence and Garner v. Texas, which has made a huge opening for gays to push through by eliminating anti-sodomy laws. The initial spurts of emotion which resulted from the landmark case have now subsided, and it is becoming clear that this broad stroke of privacy granted by the Court’s decision is here to stay.
Aug 26, 2003, 09:15
Study Finds Diet, Exercise May Increase Chances of Sex
PRINCETON, NJ – A new study released this week in the New England Journal of Medicine shows evidence that may link regular diet and exercise to increased sexual activity. Doctors at Princeton University conducted a study of 10,240 adult individuals of varying age and ethnicity over a period of 3 years. Each subject was monitored for diet, exercise, heart problems, tendency toward cancer, sexual habits, and various other medi | |
