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Brian K. White

Editor in Chief - Brian founded Glossy News on the principal that all authors should have access to quality publishing, and all readers should be forced to read it. Having published eight comedy plays, a 13 piece cable sitcom and three screenplays, he earned several writing awards and honors. Combining the knack for making drunkards laugh with University of Washington creative writing education, Glossy News came to life all up on your ass. Dig that, but definitely dig this.

Mark Fisher

Staff Writer / Associate Editor - Born under the watchful eyes of the Eisenhower administration, reared by people that drank highballs and listened to Sinatra... a lot. When not busy playing the bagpipes or reminiscing of his night in jail (in a kilt no less,) he enjoys writing. His contributions include The Joe Bob Report, several satire sites and numerous plagiarized sick notes in junior high school. Last year, he had an epiphany; live to write, write to live (or it mighta been write alright, live to....damn, wish he'd have written it down for me). He's been writing since then.

Jennifer Gardner

Staff Writer / Associate Editor - Jennifer is a recent college graduate who spends her time tending bar on the weekends and mooching off her parents during the week. She desrcibes herself as very spiritual, praying every night before she goes to sleep, "If I should die before I wake, dump my body in a lake." Asked to desrcibe herself in two sentences, she says, "I am the greatest creature on God's green earth. I'm also very modest." Urinal Era

Brendan Alexander

Staff Writer / Jr. Editor - The youngest of our staff members, Brendan joined us at six months of age. Born the son of a struggling satirist and a redhead, a lifetime of unemployment and living with his parents fostered an ironic view of life rivalled by few. The majority of his life to date has been the pursuit of understanding the perplexing times around him. Knowing there must be others who wander and wonder as he does, he seeks to share his wisdom. The world around him is a puzzle which daily he seeks to unravel.

Reverend Doc. Fish

Contributing Writer/Staff Cleric - Founder and Holy High Minister of The First Church of the Holy Fish, a shadowy parish open to sinners of "miscreant, malfeasant or otherwise dubious backgrounds, preferably with some source of income". Rev. Doc introduced the world to "Holy Acts of Recompense", a monetary sacrament system of paying for sins at affordable rates. An ordained minister, he holds a Doctor of Divinity degree and tends to his faithful herd each week from his 12-acre religious compound in South Florida.

Joseph Kelly

Staff Writer - Lives and works in St. Paul, Minnesota. Surprisingly he is employed. From the outside his life appears almost "real". Joe tries to muddle through his existence according to the the renaissance ideal by being mediocre in all things. Unusual for humans, he has two sets of fully functional bunny ears. Staff

Contributing Writers - This is a pack of mad, crazy, yellow journalists. They write clever insanity from another side of some pond. Their plot to take over the world thickens by the minute, and as long as they stay clear of meddling kids, this time next year we'll all be speaking english. Check out News at Ten.

David Cumti

Staff Writer - Currently looking for a way to break into the world of writing. Got a job for him? A former slave to the corporate cubicle world, he seeks the truth as an aspiring journalist. Check out more of his writing at his site.

Johnny Dupe

Staff Writer - Johnny Dupe was a prune raised by prudes but always raised to be a raisin. Let the idiot be a prune, okay?- or he'll piss and moan about it for hours on end. If you humor him, he'll try to humor you with humor. Currently he's writing for Harv Banger's "Parody Nation" webzine, and whores his wares to other online publications like "The Daily Hog", "The Schmews", "Dead Brain", and this rag, "Glossy News". Check out all his stuff here.

Shawn M. Thorgersen

Staff Writer - For fear of going postal on children, Shawn left a very secure and practical high school teaching job. Having completed an MFA in Writing program, he's now working on a novel and several short stories, as well as news satire pieces for the 'zine community. He can be seen sleeping at the 7th Avenue Penn Station exit--donations welcome.

Jimmy Wellington

Staff Writer - Chimps with typewriters adopted him at 10. He started to randomly peck keys. After countless years of this, it began to resemble words, then ideas. Cast out when it was not the works of Shakespeare, he integrated back into human society, slowly learning hygiene and etiquette. He used his knack for writing as a source of income, by designing cardboards for panhandlers. He worked his way up to writing copy for feminine hygiene commercials and eventually to ruling the Fake News.

Beth Blevins

Staff Writer - Beth has worked as a newspaper reporter, federal librarian, waitress, maid, assistant bookstore manager, copy editor, and as publisher of the almost-totally-defunct, a very small magazine. After a respite from satirical writing, during which time she fulfilled her biological destiny, she has recently returned, driven by the absurdity of current events and the need to counter-balance her otherwise melancholy prose. She lives 15 miles north of our nation's capital.

Rudager P. Marshall

Staff Writer - Born in W. Virginia, on March 18, 1922, to a coal mining family, Rudager P. Marshall quickly grew tired of listening to his father complain about aristocrats throwing cigarette filters and lit fireworks down the mine shafts while he labored.

As he entered his twilight years, he began work on construction of The Rail, a paper with the most ideological biases of any news source in the history of the world. Whether it be the wit of the oligarchy, the hilarity of communism, or the downright goofiness and tomfoolery of fascism, The Rail covers it.


Staff Writer: Penguin is a cynical/sarcastic writer who writes about anything that he finds amusing. Sometimes he'll write about his crooked University or something odd in the media. You can read all about him and other bastard penguins for further research on the subject. AIM him at redrockedvoodoo.

Dr. Johann Frederick

Staff Writer: A mad (angry, not crazy) scientist and political analyst living in the contiguous United States. Following an early 90's accident during one of his highly acclaimed, "You Can Do It, Too" high school workshops, Dr. Federik wrote his first book, "Okay, Maybe It IS a Little Too Complicated for You Folks". Following a recent political fact-finding mission to Haiti, Dr. Federik began his next book, "Yeah, You and What Zombie Army?"

Kestutis Daugirdas

Staff Writer: Appears courtesy of, the most KICKASS sports satire page on this side of the Mason-Dixon. He spends much time working on sPERTS, and has probably written more satire than he has written for school-related work. Also known as st00ts, Stumanji, Stupac, K-diggity-diggity-dong-dang, he is from the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign. No, he doesn't care whether or not Chief Illiniwek (the mascot) will stay or go.

The Doc

Staff Writer - Having studied diligently for many years, he earned the much coveted title "Doctorate of Sleaze". Though much of his dissertation involved poignant commentary on world happenings, he never lost the steadfast resolve to spread the word of truth, even if it is littered with witticisms, Britishism, half-truths and mis-truths. Find more at Doc Sleaze.

Christoph Smiley

Staff Writer - freelance alchemist and tax collector in the employ of the Roman Empire. In his spare time he likes to write experimental poetry and satire. If he were a bear he would not be a koala because they are, in fact, marsupials. Also, he may be living inside your stapler. Please don't check there. See also

Jason Arnopp

Staff Writer - freelance music/film journalist for British magazines such as Heat and Word. He is also founder of surreal spoof news site A London, England resident, he is seen here making the 'devil's horn' sign at a box-bound David Blaine. "My girlfriend and I each spent £4 one Sunday," he says, "to go and see Blaine by the Thames. We stood there for five minutes, she had a cigarette and then we headed back to the tube train. It was electric."

Paul Cameron Vincent

Contributing Writer - Founder, creator, sole writer of WitNews - the world's only monologue-style weekly news satire ezine (pictured here self-medicating). A former student of improv & stand-up, having an extremely short attention span (result of an accident involving a photocopier or having worked for the gov't). Spends his free time creating short, strange, humorous quips plus occasional rants about happeneings in the news or life in general.

D.A. Blyler

Contributing Writer: Author of the recently published novel Steffi’s Club, “an absinthe fueled romp through the subterranean world of the Czech Republic.” His essays have appeared at, Exquisite Corpse, and the Nation newspaper in Bangkok. He presently lives in a gated compound in Thailand.

Ma Gores

Contributing Writer - Just your average guy with a Einstein brain, Homer Simpson taste in beer, a Kurt Cobain outlook on the future, and a insatiable desire to get more sleep. (And, according to my mom and my cat, I'm better looking than Brad Pitt.)

Adam T. Bentz

Contributing Writer - SWM, 20, loves world travel, mocking the hypocrisies of our modern world, and sunset strolls on the beach. A college student in south-central Pennsylvania (near central Pennsylvania) majoring in history and Spanish, so when he graduates he may be poor, lonely and destitude. He also co-runs Liberty Cabbage and enjoys speaking of himself in the third person.

St. Crispin

Contributing Writer - Third century Christian martyr, patron saint of cobblers, subject of one of Shakespeare's finest speeches, St. Crispin has published works on NewsHax, DeadBrain, the Daily Hog, and, of course, Glossy News, where he is generally appalled by all the gratuitous sexual references and wishes they would stop, though not quite yet. His unique medium is a middle-aged Midwestern medievalist-attorney muddling through his mid-life crisis writing satire.

Ari Schulman

Contributing Writer - This young 'un weighs in at a meager 17 years old. Denied editor-in-chiefship at his school paper for comparing Bush to Hitler and Stalin on his satire page, he has taken his rapist wit to the internet, where he holds the modest goals of ending organized religion, disintegrating the Republican Party, and eventually being granted all-encompassing power over every living being. But first he's going to finish high school.

Phil Rockstroh

Contributing Writer - Born in Birmingham, Alabama. Small for his age and the only Jew in town, he was early coined, "the littlest Christ killer." Too small to fight back, he turned taunting into commerce with a thriving concession selling counterfeit rusty crucificial nails to the locals. He later apologized for the hoax, saying he was remorseful and that, "if Christ died for my nominal sins-- that he grossly overreacted." The locals were charmed, and since then, he has retained the ability to evoke the affection of god-loving people anywhere.

Don Mowbray

Contributing Writer - Don Mowbray is an aspiring writer who dared to travel The Road Not Taken. His class action lawsuit against Robert Frost is currently pending in court.

Iracundus Humanus

Contributing Writer - Iracundus Humanus was born in the middle of the last century, of working class parents. He was a sweet and happy child, but far to observant of the Human Condition for his own good. Seeing the manner in which people treat one another, he shed his claim to humanity (and his "sweetness") and now occasionally writes brief notes on the ills of society. Having traveled the country in a search for truth and justice, he now resides in a Major East Coast City, wondering when someone will return his clothing and unlock the door.

Patrick Reed

Contributing Writer - Patrick Reed is a satire sevant who has been published in several satires sites. He currently lives in Chicago the satire capital of the greater Chicagoland area! Among his passions is an unhealthy obsession with getting his first novel: Change of Venue published.

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