Replacement Refs Replace Rules of Football

NEW YORK- Replacement referees, locked out referees, and team owners sat down on Monday to discuss disagreements that have arose over the first three weeks of the season. Sunday’s schedule was an outstanding example of just how creative the liberties were taken by the game officials.

The original referees are locked out after disputes over retirement plans and increased pay, the NFL has replaced them with less experienced referees, whom may have never seen a football before being employed by the NFL.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, explained in a press conference, “I like the out-of-the-box thinking used by some of our new officials. They also came at a good price.”

He went on to continue, “I can’t stress that enough. I couldn’t have payed any less for them, because it would technically be slavery at that point.”

Domonique Foxwood, President of the Players Association, expressed lament over some calls that the new referees have made.

“What do you mean do I think the new refs are competent? Did you just see that play? The ref just called traveling.”

The miscalled plays seem to be a reoccurring nuisance. The first three weeks of the season have seen yellow cards being thrown, foul balls called, and in a bit of confusion, a high stick call.

A representative for the new referees, who wanted to be kept confidential, said in a discreet press release that “These refs were plenty qualified.”

The press release explains that amongst other things, these refs had officiated lingerie football games, livestock at county fairs, and many eating contests.

Goodell defended his decisions in the press conference by stating “so no one noticed I hired a chick? First female ref in the league and were just going to keep talking about those other refs?”

There might be an agreement sooner than previously anticipated. Rumors of a settlement came from the meeting, after a long lecture on the rules of football.

“I’ve met British people who know more about this sport than these refs,” stated John Mara, co-owner of the New York Giants.

“Maybe they’ll forget the rules of football to the point we actually win,” expressed Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis.

Until an agreement can be reached, football fans can look forward to the newly fabricated penalties the replacement officials have come up with.

An unnamed replacement referee left the conference with his head held high telling a reporter, “We’re thinking about rolling out the ‘angels in the end zone’ penalty this Sunday. We’ll see though, it might be hard to squeeze it in between the new ‘not enough cheerleaders on the field’ penalty and ‘tickling the passer’ penalty.”