A Smegmadale-on-Sea woman lured her 94-year old pensioner husband into the dark, deep woods with promises of a wild, drug-fuelled sex romp then slit his throat and left him for dead so she could rendezvous with a cyber-lover she had met on Facebook, according to prosecution evidence presented at Smegmashire Crown Court today.
Nymphella Sodomberg, 19, gave husband Wilf – and herself – mega-doses of the natural aphrodisiac known variously as Horny Goat Weed or Rowdy Lamb Grass, before he was blindfolded and led into the nearby Wankers Wood.
The pair reportedly romped and “rolled about on the crisp autumn leaves and through stands of thistles and nettles” as part of a “playful BD/SM game” to act out a sexual fantasy of Nymphella’s – or so Mr Sodomberg believed.
Nymphella then straddled her husband and slit his throat with a spud peeler while shagging the living daylights out of him, leaving a 12 cm wound, before plunging it into his neck and chest several times to enhance his – and her own – orgasmic sexperiences and pleasures.
She then abandoned him after being disturbed by a voyeur would-be dogger shouting “Hey, wot the fuck are yer up to?” and drove to the nearby Smegmadale Railway Station to meet radical anarchist Phil McCavity, a man she had met on the internet’s Facebook social networking site who claimed to be an international assassin for the Wu Tang clan.
The voyeur who disturbed Nymphella’s homicidal sex romp was actually an off-duty bisexual Police Community Support Officer who discovered Wilf’s plight and ‘comforted him’ until emergency services arrived on the scene.
Police arrested Nymphella later that night at the couple’s home at Smegmadale Sands, where they discovered she had staked her Facebook swain, the dubious Mr. McCavity, out in true submissive bondage fashion on the back garden lawn and was giving him ‘the business’ doggy style with a strapon dildo after discovering he was a closet transvestite.
A police forensics specialist told Fux News “This Horny Goat Weed really is deadly stuff – even worse than Spanish Fly – it works with equal potency on both sexes and the effects last for hours. Forget that Viagra crap – this gear’s the biscuit.”
Mrs. Sodomberg was later charged with aggravated rape, attempted murder, and grievous bodily harm – then remanded in custody – after treating the arresting officers to an all-round cluster fuck of Biblical proportions.
hey this was true we saw it on the bbc news website last week. really was horny goat weed. shit n wow where do we get some of this stuff , not that we need it lol’s.