Sao Paulo, Brasil (GlossyNewsSA)
Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.
Patrons at “Betty’s Eat-n-Greet” in Bon Temps, Louisiana voiced mixed reactions today on learning controversial religious leader Fred Phelps is at it again in their neighborhood.
Said shrimp fisherman and free lance alligator poacher John Rambo, “It’s a free country or it used to be. If they don’t like deviled eggs, don’t eat ‘em. I came back from Nam, people spit on me, called me baby killer.”
At least that’s what it sounded like the Medal of Honor winner was saying; he mumbles a lot. Local barmaid Sookie Stackhouse was more articulate when she said, “Phelps? I bet that guy’s banged too many relatives to list. It’s good he’s going after deviled eggs now. Maybe he’ll leave in peace the families who are just trying to grieve.”
Owner and operator of “Betty’s Eat-n-Greet” Betty Eaton was less kind in her assessment. Betty told this reporter, “No kidding, you can’t believe the freaks I get in here, vampires, werewolves, tourists who think they’re some kind of thing. That Fred Phelps is about the most screwed up creature I’ve seen in all my born days. He gives insanity a bad name.”
The Kansas-based Phelps agreed to an interview with your Glossy News correspondents. He was dismissive of all detractors.
“Thing is? I’m freaking crazy apeshit. That’s what I do for a living. I’m in Bon Temps, Louisiana because it seems a great place to annoy people. We’re leading a crusade against deviled eggs because that’s what we do. That Sookie harlot, I’ve seen her have sex about eighteen times on HBO. Made my granddaughters watch it with me, so they’d know what not to do.”
Phelps detailed how Satan runs a plan to destroy America, ever since the Salem Witch trials ended. “See? Reason for stumbles in Iraq and Afghanistan is God punishing this nation for fag-friendly policies. Satan got that started with getting Americans used to hearing about foodstuffs containing the name ‘Devil’ so we’re going root cause now.”
The interview ended after Reverend Phelps aggressively invited your South America correspondents to watch his ‘True Blood’ sex acts highlight tape, and suggested he has “really good stuff for special friends.”
—This is Maria. For a Porsche I’d do it with that horrible, nasty old man. Wouldn’t be a basic package Porsche though, I promise you that!—