Portland, OR—The vanity of the world is reaching new heights, or should I say lows.
Recently in the news, a Korean husband divorced his wife when she birthed an ugly child, an Indian woman left her husband when she discovered he couldn’t spell, and a Mexican man, hell-bent on singlehandedly populating the world, abandoned his wife when he learned she was secretly using birth control.
News like that always terrified Jeremy Todd of Portland. Jeremy is married. He loves being married, but he has a dark secret he has been keeping from Kimberly, his wife of six years.
A secret, he feels, that would cause her to leave him. Jeremy Todd has no chin. He has a chin, but nothing that belongs on a post-pubescent male. Put it to you this way, Bruce Jenner would kill for Jeremy’s chin.
“I lost my baby teeth when my adult teeth came in. My adult chin just never came in. It never came,” Jeremy bemoaned.
In the mid 2000’s, the hipster scene started reemerging, and Jeremy thanks God for it every day. He packed his bags and moved to Portland. “They made beards cool again. I could finally hide my chin behind a beard and fit in,” Jeremy beamed.
“Sure I have to wear leather bracelets, collect old records, dumpster dive for lamp shades and ride a recycled bicycle, but as long as I can hide the void below my bottom lip, I’m happy. I’d join the Nazi party if it meant growing a beard,” Jeremy said while adjusting his knit top hat that was covering far too little hair.
But Jeremy’s Shangri-La wouldn’t last. Tragedy struck when it was announced earlier this month that in Portland’s dirtiest hipster community, Hawthorne, a rare breed of lice had broken out.
Traditional methods of medicated shampooing are proving ineffective against R36 super lice (also known as “hipster face crabs”).
“The only known method to eradicate the R36 super lice is to shave the infected area and douse your bare skin in melted Scentsy Perfectly Pomegranate aroma wax, which can be purchased at clydejohnson@scentsy.com” said head of Oregon’s CDC Clyde Johnson (It should be noted that any Scentsy wax will do, but independent sales reps earn double points for Perfectly Pomegranate refills sold in April).
Jeremy moved out of Portland, 60 miles east to Hood River to escape the outbreak, but it was too late. The hipster face crabs had already found refuge in the bristly divot where his chin was not. Jeremy had to do the unthinkable—shave off the beard that has hidden his secret for so long.
After Jeremy shaved, as he expected, Kimberly left. But not because of his tiny, girl chin. You see, the lice also nested in Jeremy’s pubes, and after shaving, Kimberly saw something else she had never seen on him before—male genitalia.
They first met eight years ago at a cliché Portland sideshow, and Kimberly thought Jeremy was the bearded lady act. Though Kimberly’s discovery that Jeremy was really a man doesn’t make much sense because they have three children together, but in her defense, she’s pretty stupid.
Jeremy has taken to hiding in the swaps of Louisiana until his beard recovers, and he can reemerge into society making duck calls with Roberts’ dynasty.