LEXINGTON, KY—Local resident Darren Windley claims to be able to stave off misfortune by living in constant fear of horrible things happening to him in the immediate future.
Windley says he discovered this phenomenon years ago after going to the grocery store and having never stopped thinking for a moment about the fact that he would certainly be mugged and murdered in the parking lot.
“It didn’t happen,” Windley boasted, “which just shows that [relentlessly anticipating disaster] works.”
RIGHT: Photo by Simon Scott via Flickr. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)
Windley went on to say he couldn’t believe he used to go through life so carelessly enjoying it, surely tempting vindictive fate in the process.
“There’s no telling how many terrible things would have happened to me if I’d gone out to countless social gatherings over the past few years,” he said.
A visibly somber Windley stared into the distance; full of regret over all the life experiences he had, knowing that any one of them could have been his last.
“Life’s too short and precious to take risks,” Windley concluded.