BLACKSBURG, VA – A newly released study reveals potentially upsetting news for millions of white Americans. According to the longitudinal study, the conclusions are shocking: Black Americans are getting happier – much happier.
The study by the University of Pennsylvania, tracking the “happiness gap” between black and white Americans since the 1970s, reports that the gap has dramatically narrowed in recent years to the narrowest margin since the study’s beginnings. Fortunately for white Americans, they are, on average, still happier than their black counterparts – but not by much anymore.
Even more alarming is the study’s finding that while blacks’ happiness has progressively improved over the past four decades, whites’ happiness has steadily declined. A spokesman for the National Association for the Advancement of Non-Colored People (NAANCP) argues that there can only be one conclusion to draw from this study: that over the past forty years, blacks have been deliberately and systematically stealing happiness away from whites, without even asking permission or so much as a thank you very much, leaving millions of white Americans outraged and nervous about their futures.
The study’s researchers claim there are other plausible theories for why blacks are getting happier: higher income levels, increased educational opportunities, and dramatic strides in career advancement, all of which have fueled greater optimism about their future, not to mention the fact that in most states, they no longer fear getting arrested simply for sitting next to a white person at a Denny’s (with the notable exception of Mississippi and parts of Arkansas).
When asked what he thought about the NAANCP’s interpretation of the study’s findings, Carlton Hewitt III, a 57 year-old white software executive reflected, “To be quite honest, I am not as happy as I used to be. For the longest time I used to attribute it to the fact that I am getting older, my fitness is on the decline, I don’t have nearly enough saved for retirement and my eyesight is failing. But now I realize that the actual cause for my sadness is black people. What have I ever done to them?”
And according to the same study, the reversal in the balance of happiness is even worse for white women. Until recently they ranked as the second happiest group of all – just behind Disneyland theme park characters. But now these same white women rank as one of the least happy groups. The reasons for this sharp decline among white women’s happiness are unclear, but several men’s rights advocates speculate that it may be in part because women miss being back in the kitchen waiting hand and foot for their husbands when they come home from a hard day at the office, like in the happier 1950s.
When a focus group of white people was interviewed about the study, all of them agreed with the NAANCP’s conclusions. When asked if perhaps they harbored any feelings of prejudice and resentment towards blacks who are improving their lot, the responses were unanimously dismissive. “That’s totally absurd,” snapped Reginald Spalding IV, adding, “Some of my best friends are people who know black people.”
Another white person, Anthony Leighton Cornwall (of the Rhode Island Cornwalls) was equally put off by the notion that he might harbor bias towards blacks, citing as proof of his racial color blindness that he once went to a Stevie Wonder concert, adding “I even listened to a rap song once for more than 60 seconds before changing the station.” He went on to add, however, “But when black Americans start grabbing for my happiness, that’s when I have to circle the wagons and protect my piece of the American dream.”
Carlton Van Wilkerson VI, the 26 year-old grandson of a wealthy shipping magnate, agreed with the study’s findings, noting how much harder his circumstances have become during this period of escalating black happiness. “Lately, I’ve been having difficulty making the payments on my 70-foot luxury yacht. For a while, I thought it was because I have recently been cut out of my grandfather’s inheritance. But now I realize it’s because somewhere in America, there is a middle class black family who is happier than they have ever been – I suspect because they’re probably getting my inheritance. It’s an outrage.”
As further proof of its conclusion that black happiness is coming at the expense of whites, the NAANCP pointed out a startling statistic about a large automotive parts supplier that recently laid off 1,700 workers – revealing that a shocking 61% of those laid off were white, compared to only 32% who were black.
“In these politically polarized times, many white Americans are feeling understandably fearful that black Americans are trying to interfere with white Americans’ pursuit of happiness, as mandated in the U.S. Constitution,” the NAANCP said, noting that when the Constitution was written, blacks weren’t even people.
As troubling as the study may be for Caucasian rights advocates, there was one silver lining in the otherwise gloomy report: Native Americans appear to be feeling as miserable today as they’ve been for the past fifty years. So for millions of white Americans, the news isn’t all unhappy.
We’re working on it, Kilroy. Should be very soon. And yes, Rfreed’s a right sneaky little character, but that’s why we keep him around.
Don’t have editor permissions. So THAT’S how rfreed gets out of the basement all the time.
P.S. I’ve tried locking Rfreed in the basement, he carries a skeleton key with him at all times.
Thanks Kilroy. Do you have editor permissions on Glossy? If not, let me know and I’ll let Brian clue you in and give you permission. Boy, I think we’re gonna get this thing going again. It’s like one of those old movies where the printing press is down and the hero comes in and with a little elbow grease and determination, makes it sputter to life again. I’m all teary-eyed, I am.
P-Beck-Let me know what I can do to help. OK, short of locking Rfreed in the basement for making shrewd observations. I’m normally a casual contributor but I’ll pick it up a bit if it keeps the site active.
To everyone else, I put one up today and I’ll make time as much as i can today to go through some other more recent stories and get them scheduled and see where it goes from there. One thing I’d ask to make it easier to schedule stories is these simple guidelines…Place the “more” command after you hit around 70-80 words (more is up where the bold, italic, etc. commands are); please try and include a picture if you can. The standard size is 300 tall, 450 wide, but can vary between 300-350 tall to 450-550 wide. and please add between 6-8 tags that are story appropriate. And please spell check your work before uploading. This will make it easier to just go through it, read, make little adjustments and then schedule it for publishing. Thanks all. If you have any questions, please contact me at patpenddiet@aol.com.
Ok l-t, I’ll contact you by e-mail and maybe we can work together on this. At least see if it is doable. thank you for stepping up.
Well I always hate when I say this, but? I’m willing to help.
Thank you Sean. I am not the owner of the site so I can’t really comment on having a schedule. I am just another writer who kinda steps up to the plate and tries to keep the site going. I have had health issues that have prevented me from doing more, but I’m trying. I agree with you. I’ve loved Glossy News from the moment I found it on the net about 3 years ago. I would hate for it to end.
As much as I’m not a regular, I’ll throw my 2 cents in…
Yes, I think the site is worth saving, but only if it gets back up to the daily, or at least regularly scheduled, updates. I used to swing by every morning, but then it stopped updating, so I stopped coming. Having been an editor for a comedy site before, I know how hard it is to keep things moving, but there’s really no substitute for regularly changing content; sites that update regularly build a core readership of people who know they can go to the site at certain times and not see the same old.
Glossy News is a great satire site in that it’s both reader-submitted material and isn’t full of suck, so I don’t want to see it go. Maybe a schedule is what it needs, rather than a post-a-story-when-it-gets-posted kind of plan. This would make it easier on you, too, as an editor, when you only have to move things around every, say, Monday and Thursday.
Got a question for you regulars, like liberties-taken, rfreed, Bobzaguy, kilroy…do you think this site is worth saving? If so, let me know and I’ll keep doing the work. I haven’t really heard much either way until of course freed got his panties in a bunch and declared it dead. It is a bit of work for me to keep it going, but if you guys say it should be kept going, then we’ll find a way. Post replies here. Thanks.
R.I.P.
Glossy News
1995-2012
Well, I’m not giving up my gold that easily Freed. Be nice and I might share.
I was just trying to pull an Al Gore and get the first claiming rights on what would probably prove to be a new social phenomena so that I would get credit on it and rack in the big bucks.
Excuse me, Rfreed, but I believe the term red-tufted lemur was first used by me in my story about Anderson Cooper Proposing to Kathy Griffin, to wit:
” And they are pretty sure she’ll get something in there about being so excited she just peed her pants before jumping all over Cooper like a red-tufted lemur.”
Therefore, I hereby allow anyone who wants to use the term as freely as need be in order to get chuckles from their audience, except you, of course, Mr. Greedy Pants.
This is to hereby notify all involved that the term ‘red-tufted lemurs’ is forthwith and forevermore copyrighted by one ‘rfreed’ who if anyone dares use the term again will have a rabies like convulsive attack and sue you so bad that you’ll think you have been given an enema by Thor’s hammer. Let this statement stand a a warning and let the abuser beware and perhaps also perhaps wear steel underwear just in case.
You can never be certain, especially when it comes to red-tufted lemurs, who are famously known as the masters of disguise in the animal kingdom…
And also? A while back I was commenting on a Conservative news forum. Another commenter took exception to my critique of the article, and said “From your picture you are very obese, so you should think about that before criticizing others.”
I thanked my new friend for giving me a whole new perspective on life, and then explained, that uhm… that’s Fatty Arbuckle in the photo. He was a famous comedy star of silent films. OR, it could be a red tufted Lemur.
The white guy who’s crying, isn’t that Richard Gere? It’s either Richard Gere or a red tufted lemur, I’m fairly certain.
Glad we can count on you. Look forward to your scathing review, in a very good way of course.
It is clever. But I’ll find a way to work myself up into a frenzy and be offended, no matter how many times I have to read it.
At first, I thought, oh no, a racist rant, but honestly this is a very clever piece of satire. Loved it.